• I sit here and I read Bukowski. He and I share similar interests, we both like Prokofiev and Vivaldi, our favorite poet is E.E Cummings. We are alcoholics (I'm supposed to be the next one in out family..it skips generations) I sit here behind my computer in my room, I'm talking on MSN. A close friend just lost his girl. On Valentine's Day. He is wanting to leave, leave life. I am sitting here, telling him it won't solve anything. Telling him it's foolish and not worth it. I am sitting here, crying my eyes out because I don't understand how it got this way. How did I let it escalate to this. My friend's used to always ask if he hit me, I'd say no, that would never happen, he's not like. I believed it too. I sit here and I read Bukowski's ''A Smile to Remember" and I fear I will become that woman someday, and I'll have to put my son/child through that. Shae is exactly 6'2 the height that is said in that poem. The height of the father who beats the two.. Is life really worth living, I do think of suicide. I can't lie and say I don't. I tell myself there is a new day ahead and it could be the best day of my life. Then I am scared by that though because if tomorrow is the best, then the rest must be all downhill and I wouldn't want to see what is considered down hill from this point. He's not always mean though. We get along a lot. It's just hard to cancel out all the things that have happened. I'm not trying to justify anyhting, I'm just saying that at times we do get along. Sometimes life isn't worth living, I'll give them that, but the beauty of life and earth is always work seeing.. at least it is for me. Even if beauty is sometimes found in obscure places. Someday I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel, I tell you that my friend, and someday I'll look back and have learned something and I'll be able to share that knowledge with someone who really needs it.

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