• hiyas lol its okay its safe ta read im not gonna bitch u out or nuthin =D its kinda long but please read it all b/c its important (ta me anyways) and its stuff u need ta hear and know about how ive been towards you!! ive been doing sum thinking....and im trying to apologize (again...) for the way ive been...and this time its different (ill get into that n jus a sec) it seems like everything was pretty great except my mood but ya know between us b/4 we became b/f n g/f...i still havent found out why maybe b/c i jus wasnt ready or sumthin and i know that that annoys u and i cant expect u ta understand but its jus the way i am and so we brokeup for w/e the reason i dun feel like u told me the whole truth but it doesnt matter this is wut ive come up wit....okay.... i actually jus got home from the hospital a few hours ago...on saturday i went over ta my grandparents as u know...and well i was great until where i jus got my ears pierced starting getting infected b/c i used my gmas rubbing alcohol ta clean my piercings and hes had an infection and she contaminated the acohol...so i ended up getting both of my infected to and they started throbbing it felt like i was getting my ear pierced over and over again and i had ta take the ear rings out...and then i got a 14ga tongue ring and told my dad ta shub it thro the hole n my ear so that i could keep it open which was a horrid idea b/c when he started forcing (thro a 20ga hole) blood and infection stuff started squirting out and so i ripped the thing back out of my ear and gave up...and went off by myself and started crying not b/c it hurt but jus b/c wut ive been doing to myself and all the shyt that has been happening (not wit u or my friends jus with myself) and yes its me who holds myself bac whenever i was younger i was physically, mentally, verbally, and sexually abused by my father and ive had trouble letting go of that even tho its over ill always have ta deal wit it and feel it and it effects my moods and choices today...i DO NOT under any circumstance feel sorry for myself...and im NOT looking for pity or sumone ta feel sorry for me i jus want sumone, like my friends, to understand but how can they when they dont know?? so i get myself no where...and anyways so i (once again) tried ta kill myself only this time i got sum rat poison and bug poison and sum other poison and drank/ate that n my gpas garage when i walked out i went into the living room wit my cousin Tony and was really pail so he asked me wut was wrong and i didnt say anything and about 5 mins l8r i went unconcious and so (i guess, i wasnt awake lol its jus wut they said) he called 911 and i woke up the first time n the ambulance and n shock i passed out again and woke up on an IV line n the hospital u could see the poison running thro my blood stream my veins were transparent and they were green and orange...so the doctor came in an so did a counselor and i spilled everything the doctor said it was amazing that i lived and thats jus it wut ive been missing i am alive and most ppl dun get 5 chances like i have so this whole time ive thought that god turned his back on me he was really looking out for and im still here so there must be sumtin more that he wants for me or id be dead so now im going to wait...and after i told the counselor everything...i decided that i needed help and im finally not too scared to ask...my mother signed me up for stress managment (which is a lot like anger managment except wit stress u physically hurt urself instead of other ppl) im getting some counsling once a week and more community service only working wit ppl who are less fortunate than me so ill learn jus how lucky and stupid i am and for once be thankful....im also FINALLY able ta change back to the way i was...lol of course it wont be over night but im starting now....and so now it comes bac ta u...JOE IM REALLY SORRY!!! sorry for so many things i dunno where ta start...im sorry for being a bitch...id do that b/c id see wut i could get away wit by pushing my friends away and seeing whod come bac....n the end i lost many of friends and a b/f to it...but it did help me ta see who my real friends are...but it was an unfair test.... joe; im sorry for bitching, im sorry for fighting, im sorry for hurting you n everyway that i did, im sorry for being selfish, im sorry for being a horrible friend, im sorry for not being a good, perfect g/f, im sorry for trying to test u when i knew n my heart i could trust you, im sorry for not taking the risk of trusting you better when u trusted me im sorry for not being there for you im sorry for not putting n all my/the effort needed into our friend/relationship im sorry for turning my back on you im sorry for not treating like u deserve to be treated im sorry for giving up, im sorry for acting like i dun care, when i truly do, im sorry for acting like i dun appreciate you, when i truly do, im sorry for saying that i love u and making it feel like i lied, when i meant it, im sorry for things i said that hurt and that i didnt mean, im sorry for repeatedky breaking your trust im sorry for not saying this sooner, im sorry that its too late. and theres so much more, the list goes on.... IM SORRY...i hope that u will find it n your heart to forgive me. b/c it will NEVER happen again! Here's a poem... Stone by Stone By: uhhhh hehe I've built a wall you can not see, Because its deep inside of me, Allowing my emotions a place to hide, And it cages my heart on every side, Blocking anyone trying to reach in, I can't remember when it began, I'm refusing to reach out, You wonder what it's all about. This wall that will remain, Results from pain, Self mutilation, And life destruction, So stone by stone I built a wall, That is now so thick it can't fall, Creating, in chains, a place of refuge, From the problems that seem to be s huge. I wish i could better explain, That it's not you, But please keep trying to break through, For love from you will make me stronger, I don't want the real me to die any longer, So bit by bit, Chip at my wall, Until stone by stone it starts to fall. The process will be slow, It's never easy to let go, Of hurts and failures made, From feeling the pain of dreams fade, I'm so scared to let you in, I know I might get hurt again. Building the wall, Has got me nowhere at all, Everyday, Stone upon stone i stack, Leaving between them not even the slightest crack, The only way to make it fall, Are imperfections in the wall. I did the best i could, but i left a few small flaws, Which are the key, To breaking through my cage to me, For just as stone by stone was laid, With every hurt, with every pain, Stone by stone the wall will break, As love replaces every ache So will you be the one who cares enough, To find the flaws, no matter what? I'm sorry if this has been corny lmao but im jus trying to explain Heres a song that reminds me of the way ive been to you, Staind Epiphany Your words to me just a whisper You faces so unclear I try to pay attention Your words just disappear 'cause it's always raining in my head forget all the things I should have said So I speak to you in riddles because my words get in my way I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away 'cause I can't take anymore of this I wanna come apart ~*~*or dig my self a little hole inside you precious heart~*~* 'cause it's always raining in my head forget all the things I should of said I am nothing more than a little *girl* inside who cries out for attention yet I always try to hide and I talk to you like children but I don't know how I feel but I know I'll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed But it's always raining in my head forget all the things I should have said. the raining in my head thing is like confusion Anyway...i was thinking and id love more than anything ta be your friend and i think that it would be really kewl ta have a guy that is my friend that i can trust as much as i trust u...and one whose like u n that you're nice and who isnt always jus using our friendship jus b/c he wants ta get wit me...so if you would still like ta stay friends please let me know...and sorry about that email i wrote that the morning b/4 i went ta my grandparents...Joe im really truly sorry :*(....and i im looking forward to talking ta you, if u still decide u wanna be friends, as myself....and hopefully this will be over and u will be able ta trust and get ta know who i really am...b/c im leaving the uglyness behind...so please...i wasnt sad or mad, my heart didnt drop into my stomach or swell up n my neck whenever we brokeup...i felt like a weight had been lifted b/c i believe its time for us ta start over so dun worry about getting an grief about that b/c as much as u [claimed] to have liked the fake, old me i know ull like the real me better....you mean a lot ta me and uve given me strength that i didnt have b/4 and words cant explain my gratitude towards you for that and i owe my new sucess ta you...even though getting here is pretty much too late and our friendship may be ruined b/c of my stupidity ill never forget you b/c of wut uve done for me and the countless hours of your time u wasted on my selfish [self] ways...it means the world to me and once again IM SO SORRY....please w/b and tell me how u feel towards us being friends n shyt lol cyas l8r.... lotsa love, -cynthia- (Syd) xoxo

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