• meh. i hate this holiday. it's so much easier when you're single... trying to figure out what to get your bf is harder that it looks. i made cookies. he gave me a pink beanie baby bear. it's got a little white heart on it... awww. but of course, a holiday designed to make people think about those they love leads me to thinking about him... and me thinking about people i like/love only leads to one thing- self-doubt. it's just so hard to take what i see in his eyes, realize that it shows just how much he cares about me... and realize i'm never sure how i can ever show that back. it's hard to understand that he can care about me so much and support me and believe in me when i doubt myself so much. he's so happy about us... and i want him to stay happy. it's just that lately i've been talking to him about a lot of depressing crap. that makes me worry bout getting him depressed... so then i feel even worse. and i know i should talk to him about this, but i don't know how. i am so afraid of something happening and me being afraid to talk to him about it... i am so afraid of losing him. i'm so used to hiding my emotions i doubt i'm capable of fully showing them, especially showing him how i feel. This is the first Valentine's Day that i've ever had someone to spend it with. he spent most of it sitting on a windowsill with R while I went to art club, came back, sat in the corner listening to my mp3, left again, walked around, talked to H, came back.. and so on. he finally asked me if i was ok and i was like yeah, im fine. he sat with me for a little while and then we went back to the art room, looked for Tay's piece (which we didn't find, btw, if you're reading this, Tay) and came back. the only problem was the whole time i was having really depressing thoughts. i don't even know how to word half of them. the worst one was how i want to be independent, but also i want to be close to him... and this afternoon i just felt so alone. and is it me, being too independent? or is it him? but of course i can't blame him... i just can't. so that makes it me... god, i am so screwed up. as soon as i find happiness, doubt finds me. and when given a choice between one or the other, doubt always finds a way to win.

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