yeah. i know. I have already written in this today, but i didnt know what to write about b4 but now i do. Life is fucking aweful. My mom is always bitching, my dad is never home, and im so confused about soooo many things. When I try to talk to some of my friends about it, some of them get annoyed and say that my life isnt that bad and all this other shit. So then I dont tell them and they think im liek suicidle. I mean, seriously! Just because some one doesnt want to talk about their problems, doesnt mean they're suicidle, does it? I dont think it does, but then everyone gets mad at me for not telling them whats going on! I mean seriously. i tell u and u get mad. i dont tell u and u get mad! what the hell am i supposed to do?! some times i just wish i wasnt here. and theres a rly big secret that liek nobody knows, and i'm not sure i want them to know. theres actually 2 (i think) but i'm not sure im ready to tell ANYONE the second one, because its rly recent and personal. im also rly fed up with some people. they jsut dont get whats going on and they just brush it off liek its no big deal, when they actually have no idea how big it is. and i wish i could talk to all of my friends about these things but i can't. and that rly bothers me. i used to be so close to all of them and its liek theyve pushed me away and i dont know y. and i rly wish i could tell this special sum1 sumthing and show them what i've written but i dont think i can. and i know i shud be able to, but i dont want them to get mad and liek freak out and get all worried cuz some of the stuff is rly deep and personal and i dont know how they would handle it. i wish i could tell them everything thats going on, but i dont want to sound whinney and bitchy and all that stuff. and i knwo i should be able to tell them, and believe me, i rly rly rly want to, but im rly afraid of how they would take it. and thats what scares me the most. im so happy right now (well in a sense) that i dont want anything to ruin it. And I wish i could talk to my mom and dad about all of this, but i can't. we dont have that kind of relationship and i rly wish we did, but we dont. and that bothers me a lot. and its too late to start now, which makes me sad. and i wish i had a rly strong relationship with all of my friends, but unfortunatly i dont. i mean, im close with some of them, but i wish things could be the way they used to be. it seems like after 7th grade (when my mom got cancer) every1 kind of seperated from me when i needed them the most. and one of my closet friends pushed me away when i needed her the most. and that rly hurt. but then i became RLY good friends with *L* which makes me rly happy, but shes always so happy and up beat that i dont want to bring her down when i talk about whats going on. so i dont rly tell her which also upsets me. Altho, now that we have entered high school, we all seem to be gettign closer which is rly good because i need some good friends right now, and i was afraid i wasnt going to have them. thts a lot for now, and i jsut dumped a lot. its getting late so im gonna go