• I don't think you really know how it feels unless you've been in one. I'm sure you're thinking, "just leave. just get out..go.." You see though, it's not quite so simple. What he does to me now, while I'm with him. What he would do if I left. I value my life, even if it's not the way I'd like it to be. Two years ago, I never thought any of this would happen. The thought never crossed my mind. This couldn't happen to me. I would just leave. Yea, I remember thinking that about other's who are in what I'm in now. See some girl on tv and think, 'What an idiot..just leave' Shae and I have been together for a year and a half, somewhere around there. I've been abused for let's see..about 9-10 months I'd say. Everything started out fine. Like normal relationships. Then after so long we slept together. He was my first, I wasn't his. Then about..7 months he started emotionally abusing me. Then that led to physical, then sexual. Sexual, not so much. He mostly emotionally abuses me. Physically not so often, but often enough.. I lead a double life. I have my life with Shae, and my own life. The life I enjoy. So far, they've never meshed. I'm meticulous about keeping my thoughts sorted. I know what to say what not to say, who to tell what. It's become almost routine for me. My best friend is a guy, so he's a secret, part of my nice life. We hooked up once, Shae knows about it. So that makes it ever worse. Bran (my friend) knows about Shae, how controlling and insane he is. He doesn't know the whole story though. He's edged me to get out, but he doesn't understand. I care for Bran immensely. I wish I could express that to him, but it would sound like I like him. Which is not what I want at all. Bran has helped me through some tough times...I wish I could tell him how much he's helped. That would be telling him the truth though, about Shae. I keep most my friends on MSN. I never give out my phone number or address. Few know where I live. I think some start to wonder why. They forget about it though. All my childhood friends are in other towns, which is a good thing. I have a few other out of town friends. Some from this site. I used to be romantically involved with someone. He was really special to me. He was like my little escape from this world. He was like that bit of ecstasy in one's life. That little thing you look forward to in the morning. He lived and hour a way though. We had met because he came to visit my friend, Er. He saved my life. I was going to end it all, and he saved me. Just when I was done listening, he gave me something to listen to. Shae doesn't know about any of that. He left though. Found someone else. As much as it hurts and I resent it, I'm happy for him. I still make wishes on every eyelash that he's safe and happy. Even though he hurt me so horridly. I went away for a concert. A Chiodos concert. For one weekend I came back and he was gone. Blocked me form everything. Then I remembered his myspace. That's when I found out what had happened. I finally got a hold of him. He said we could be friends, I was happy and okay with that. The next day he was gone. I still check up on him from time to time. Via myspace. He's doing well. I'm no longer hurt by thinking about him. I'm just happy he's okay. That may sound like a lie, but it's not. I can honestly say that... I've been listening to Reminiscence With A Stranger thanks to a friend I met here. His journal was on here, but he deleted them all. That friend I just spoke of. He gives me hope. In some odd way. I've never met him, but he is so smart and witty. It's refreshing. I always feel like giving up on humanity. Like I'll never meet someone that is interesting and smart. That has wit an humor. He always shows me there is someone like that. I'm sure there are more as well. I hope so at least. Today was a good day. Mostly because Shae was making up to me for the previous night. I think he saw how violated I was.. It was nice..until he start to stop caring or feeling sympathy..or whatever. Then it just went back to normal. Well, that's all for now. Salud.

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