• happiness only lasts so long. don't get me wrong, i couldn't be happier right now... but at the same time i couldn't really feel much worse. it's still a bit too soon to say "i love you." living a double life really sucks. let me tell you that... i mentioned that i can't tell my family about Nathan? it's really starting to get to me. see, in about, oh i dunno, three weeks? it'll be his birthday. what do i do then? even better, Valentine's Day is in two weeks. damn... mom knows i'm getting him eyeliner for his birthday... long story. lol. but i want to get him something more... i dunno, meaningful, i guess. eyeliner's just a laugh.. i want to show him i care. but how can i get him something without mom finding out? that would totally SUCK. and i want to talk to him about that... but how? i don't want to bring him down any more than i already have. i don't want him to... to what? i don't even know. and that's another thing i realized today- he knows almost everything about me. hopes, dreams, fears, loves, hates. but i know nothing about him. i don't know what he wants to do with his life. i don't know a thing about his past or his future. and i don't know what he thinks of me... i know why i asked him out, but i haven't the slightest idea why he said yes. * * * * * * * * and just a note for Tay- "Did I mention that *A* is upset. We went skiing over the weekend and she was sorta mad. I think I'm the only person who knows why. And I can't say because if eric,chloe or hannah read this then they would know and Anna would be mad. Hannah probly would too." Tay, you can't say that much and not give it away. i have a pretty good guess as to what it is... but only because you added that i'd prolly be mad. if you hadn't said that, i would have had no idea. but as it is, i think i know... but i'm probably wrong. If it's what i think it is, i wouldn't be mad- i can't do anything about that. it's only if... certain things begin to occur... that i would get mad. and i probably wouldn't even get mad, just goddamn depressed. * * * * * * * * i've got a thing or two to say about my darling parents as well. if you haven't gotten this yet from past entries, i pretty much wrote it out today for Rissa in bio... she asked me if i had told my parents about me and Nate yet. i said no, and tried to explain: "I just wish my parents would leave me alone. It's been a really long time since I actually felt like they supported me. mom doesn't seem to care about what's important to me. she just wants to see straight A+s. It always feels like the only reason she pretends to care even remotely is because she only cares what other people think of her. When people look at me, she doesn't care what they think of me or what I think of them. She cares what they think of her from what they see of me. She's so self-centered. The world revolves around her. It's always 'you didn't do this, so now I can't do what I wanted to do!' Well, mom, it's been a long time since you let me do what I wanted to do, much less cared what I wanted. And everything I do is subject to criticism. If it can be criticised, it will be. Everything I do is wrong. She read my diary a while ago. and she told me she did it because she 'wanted to know what it was.' Isn't it obvious it's a diary and therefore PRIVATE when you find it under your kid's pillow? So I don't trust her anymore. She lost her kid's trust and will never gain it back- she has no idea of how much I hate her. So combining this all, I just can't tell her about this. It'll be picked apart, criticised, blah blah blah... End result will be me bawling my eyes out. I'm so happy with him. and I don't want her to ruin that." * * * * * * * * sorry this was incredibly long. got a lot on my mind right now.

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