January 29, 2008

  • it's funny to watch my name move down the ranks. i wonder when it will disappear completely. too tired to care. a vegetarian zombie. all i care about is lying in bed all day. after my french religion exam tomorrow, i'm going home to sleep. and after i wake up, i'll stay in bed. they will forget me. and things will be better for them again. i don't know how this makes sense. i'm just going crazy. all these people in my life. pouring them through a strainer. let's see who sticks around. too broke to pay my reality check. staying in the kitchen after closing. sleeves rolled up and soap suds all around. this is growing up. i know how things will go down. no one stays for the bomb blast. they only want fireworks. i am just collateral damage. but i burnsobright. what really matters anymore? i've gone nerdcore, so i'm not pretty anymore. i've gone insane, so i'm not lovable anymore. will power vs. gasoline. i'm not sure which is more efficient. i don't care though, whatever gets me through. this is past wanting help, attention, or love. everything is fake. the way their smiles look after a few months. the way their eyes avoid mine. cause i got x-ray vision with a bonus 'goburninfuckinghell' laser. 'too many nights of with to go without' bullshit. maybe you're just not as strong as i am. 'are you fucking dead or something? its like you're trying not to talk.' actually, i'd say you're stronger. this is to all the people who used to love me. but don't anymore. and that's the key. cause i'm not bringing you down with me. nightmare smiles and dotted half-notes. sketching out a plan for imprisonment. tired of bungee jumping off the edge. the thrill is all gone, and i'm halfway there. i know how to stall, and i know which stall is best. shoot up in downtown, logic doesn't matter. and this sounds so good.
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