• I forgot to mention something. I've read a lot of people's journals since I joined sm.net and it makes me feel like I'm not a weirdo. I'm not the only person who feels like s*** all the time. In fact, most of the people on here feel the same way I do. That makes me wonder. Why are so many people feeling this way? How do we fix it? How come no one else notices it? What is it? Is it depression or just something that we've all somehow created in our minds? I don't believe that we all created it b/c it would be too coincidental and I don't really believe in coincidences. My closest friends don't even know this about me, so why can I post it in a journal on a website for hundreds of thousands of people to read? Maybe b/c it's a fear of being different, a fear of not being accepted for a hopeless feeling that I CAN'T control. It's hard to deal with. I don't even know what I'm dealing with. I WANT to know. I asked my mom to help me, to get me help and all she says is "it's called "high school blues". It'll go away. It's fine". Even after I told her about all of my thoughts, she still said it was fine. My only friend that knows about all of this asked me today if I was feeling ok and I said what are you talking about?. She said "ya know what I'm talking about. Ya know?! The thing you were gonna do. Are you still thinking about it?" I told her "yeah. there's not a lot of time that goes by that I don't think about it." And do you know what that ho said to me. "God, WTF? Why do you think about that? It's sooo weird. Why would you think about it? I really don't wanna know about that." Well did I ever ask her to call me when she was drunk and high or just drunk or just high??? Hell no! I don't need her to report it to me. I didn't ask her to call me 5 minutes after she makes a "mistake" by sleeping with someone she doesn't even know. I mean, sure, I want to know b/c she's my friend. But when she tells me some of that stuff, it makes me wanna rip my hair out. Getting drunk and high is horrible for her. I asked her to stop, but that jackass keeps doing it. And that's part of my problem. I get so scared whenever I hear sirens b/c I think she really screwed up and is in the hospital. Or I think she really hurt herself. Or she's dead. Oh my God, what did she do? Then, I get pissed off. It makes me mad and sad. I can't stand it. That's DEFINITELY one of my big problems. I worry and freak out. I've recently had to start breathing deeply and I'm pretty sure the next step is breathing into a paper bag. On top of that, all of her problems and my other friend's problems combined are always put on my shoulders. That leads me to wanting to do something bad.

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