• To: Him. CC: BCC: Subject: how do you say to someone else what you can't say to yourself? i think i love you. i think. i think. but how could you possibly understand that even as i say i love you, i will never ask you out? how could you understand? i've been so vocal about wanting a boyfriend... so now the opportunity presents itself and i am the first to say no. how could i possibly expect you to understand that? it's everything i've outlined in my journal. i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to be the next Anna. "you don't know me like i know me" i am incredibly inconsistent. i change my mind all the time. and i don't want to change my mind on you. i don't want to hurt them. rachel, marissa, lindsey, anna... i don't want anything between us. i don't want to do to them what so many have done to me. i don't want any of them to be mad at me.. i try to help people. i've been encouraging them all... i don't want to say to them "you definitely have a chance" and then the next day take that chance away. i don't want to lose their trust. i don't want to hurt me either. if i moved on, leaving you would be the most painful thing i've ever done. all my past crushes, my one almost-relationship, everyhting ended messily. i would always get absorbed by my anger at them... when that anger should really have been directed at me. i don't want to go through that cycle again. my worst fear about a relationship has always been that i'd be too much for my boyfriend. i don't want to weigh you down with all my problems. if i asked you out i'd start keeping things from you, just so i wouldn't hurt you. and that would kill me, because i never want to lie to you. i could never make you deal with a lying girlfriend, not after Anna did. i'd rather have open honesty and friendship than a prententious label and the loss of a friend. i will always love you, dearie. but then, that's what i said when i liked Caleb. and we know how that ended. so enjoy what you have. just don't expect anything from me. as much as it hurts me to say that to you. it's the truth. * * * * * * * * now i feel awful because i'm lying to him. i told him all i wanted from people was honesty and sincerity... and now i'm giving him neither. i'm ashamed of myself. he asked me directly if what i was sad about had to do with him.. and i said no. even though it did... i am a liar, a fake- i'm becoming her. and she is someone i don't want to be. especially after what she did to him... and now i'm doing almost the same thing.

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