• the more i'd like to let it go ~ RHCP, Snow ((Hey Oh)) i wrote him an email last night, saved it as a draft. i knew i wasn't going to send it but i had to do something. so i figured i may as well put it here. To: you CC: BCC: Subject: things i'll never [have the courage to] say. written January 8th, 2008 ============================= "i trust him. most of the time he understands and at least he tries to make me feel better. and i can tell he means it. most other people, when they try to cheer me up, say they understand, whatever, i'm never sure they mean it. they always seem fake. really fake. so that this one kid is honest with me, that means a lot to me. he has no idea how much." do you have any idea who this is referring to? i trust you more than anyone else, the only exception being Chloe. and you have no idea how much that means to me. "you only meet a few people who you will remember and who will mean something to you for the rest of your life- " and you're one. but now i'm keeping things from you that i would normally only trust you with- but i can't talk to you about it. about you. i don't want to ruin our friendship. but there's so much more to it that i could never bring myself to say to you. if only i could make myself give you the URL... but we both know i never will. this is hurting me more than you could ever imagine. and i want that to end, so i wrote this- but again, we both know i'll never send it. you left today. you left when i needed you. and that just broke me down... i'm sorry i can't talk to you about this. i'll save it- maybe one day in the future i'll actually send it. love you always. * * * * * * * * i know he'll never see this. i don't really care. but dammit, i don't want him... i love him, but i don't want him. how do i say that to him? how do i say anything to him? how do i tell him not to look at me like that? i can't take it! and he asked me if what made me depressed this morning had to do with him... how could i answer that? what is wrong with me? what the hell is wrong with me?

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