• *deep breath* 1. feared for my life today. don't wanna talk about it, so Chloe and E, don't ask. ask rachel if you gotta know- she's ready enough to brag about it. 2. i am so confused right now. i like Guyliner still, but at the same time i like one of my other friends.. or at least i think i do. trying to wear his 'emo' sweatshirt was a mistake, but that's a story for another day. problem here is, i don't want to let myself like him. -he's already got 4 people that are madly in love with him. it wouldn't feel right if he ever ended up liking me back... i wouldn't want to do to them what so many people have [unknowingly] done to me. -i don't wanna lose him as a friend. every other crush i've had i've gotten horribly angry at... and it can take me years to let go of a grudge. there are some i still have... -i don't want to be the next *A*. no offense to her, but what she did really hurt him. i don't want to end up with him and then have it turn out i like someone else better. i'm so afraid of that... i would never forgive myself for putting him through that again. -i'm afraid of relationships. my deepest fear about a relationship is that i'd be too much for my boyfriend and my problems would just weigh him down... i could never do that to him. again, i'd never forgive myself. it's just that... he's the only guy i'm this close to, he's the only guy i always look in the eye. i don't think i've ever been this comfortable with a guy before... i could tell him anything. he means the world to me. [just like you do, dear. you know what i mean.] and without him and one or two other people, i'd be dead right now. or worse. [yes, there are worse things than death- another story for another day.] and it's not just that we're really close as in friends- with the exception of a few people, i have a bit of a personal space bubble. i don't mind people breaking it for like a hug or whatever. but he's the only guy i'm comfortable enough with to lean on his shoulder, and... well. at the christmas party, i was leaning on his shoulder and he was comforting me, arm around me and stuff... any other guy i would have shook off. i more or less buried my face in him... and i know that sounds ridiculous. 'cause it does, even to me. it's just that being this comfortable with a guy is so important to me. and i know if i actually went out with him it'd last a long time. and i don't know if i'm reading too much into this, but today after school [when i was wearing his sweatshirt] there was a look in his eyes... just a look, but it was... i can't explain. whenever i'm around him it's like it's just me and him... i dunno. maybs i'm just thinking too hard. maybs i don't really like him as much as i say i do... oh dammit, i don't want to like him as much as i do...

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