• it was Friday yesterday. all the kids come out on friday. thinking they're hardcore. im one of them now. should've known the day was gonna go tits up when i walk in to history and Alex is there looking depressed. we all read the signs and dont say a thing.. apart from Baize, who had to be told to shut the fuck up when he asked her what was wrong. Jamie told me anyway. i think Alex thought he'd been ignoring her on the way to school and he was suddenly desperately terrified she didn't want to go out with him anymore and he said that if that happened, he'd kill himself. i couldn't hear that. Jamie was the one who saved me. i constantly feel as though i have to return the favour. i was steeling myself up to launch myself into another saving of another relationship, but hey, this is Alex and Jamie we're talking about. they have their bad days, but they're always gonna be together. they're 'the couple' of the group. but still, if Alex and Jamie were having a bad day, how bad was it gonna be for the rest of us? we got to look at our reports first thing. i read all the teacher's comments, and they still havent twigged yet. im not a good kid anymore. they still think im quiet and hardworking and conscientious. (however the fuck you spell/pronounce that.) A*s in everything, thats what im getting if i continue working like this and listen to the teachers. Apart from drama. it'll be cool if i get a B in drama, but she'd like to se a little more confidence and maybe i can push it to an A. how the fuck does she not know? im not a fucking quiet kid any more. im outspoken. a dickhead. the only reason i dont put my ideas in is cause our class is full of fucking preps and i know they look down on me. and its more fun just to sit back and piss around with Liam for an hour. the group we have to work in is me + Liam, three preps and a chav. they're alright for preps and chavs, but sometimes im just silently urging them, 'go on, you've heard about my reputation, judge me a little.' im just desperately trying to lose the geeky kid image. doesnt help how im predicted A*s all over the shop. "Tenth smartest person in the year." Baize can fuck off. it's alright for him. he can get away with Cs. and if he slips a little, it's ok, we understand, you're dyslexic after all. but tenth smartest person in the year. you have to fucking live up to it. You get anything less than perfect and you're a failure. The only subject i care about had a decent report though. im predicted A*/A in that too, i think. well i must damn well be, im a fucking genius at it. Art. i dont give a shit what she said about me in her report. i know im an artistic genius. i sound so fucking stuck up, dont i? so fucking prep-like. i dont give a shit. i can fail in everything else, i'll be a disappointment but i'll still like myself. but i cant fail art. if i do i'll never forgive myself. that's why i need this insane self-belief. everyone always tells me im good at art. i believe them every time they say it. it was weird, reading the reports. The report. my art report. i was just sat there, so fucking full of myself, the picture of arrogance. Laura aint gonna listen to her art teacher, Laura can do it all herself. she's a fucking genius. God, i was so fucking arrogant in IT, too. it was the last lesson of the year, and instead of doing any real work we got a lesson on 'internet safety'. Fuck fucking that. 87% of teenagers use an IM service. for once im in a fucking majority. 'you should never give out your real name, age, gender, picture, phone number, or any other personal details on the internet.' oh fucking hell. you can fuck that in its arse. this guy i only know over the internet, we've started talking lots recently. we know which county each other lives in, we know we're both fourteen, we call each other by our real names. i sent him pictures of myself, he sent me one of him, i gave him my phone number. (but it's only 'cause he's one of the angels. he said i have a cute smile..) So obviously im gonna get stalked, raped and murdered. or fucking not. there's a different between 'teenage girl' and 'complete idiot'. im both, but they're not the same. (he said i wasn't an idiot. 'we all have intelligence in different things'. A*s all over the shop mate. the thing that makes you an idiot is bunking school when you have that intelligence to live up to.) so David Easton is obviously a 56-year-old convicted murder who's worked out where i live and is gonna come kill me in my sleep. bring it fucking on. why the fuck cant they let us trust our friends? just cause we met over the internet doesnt mean our friendship is any different. im a naturally trusting person and i like talking to people online. So im gonna fucking get myself fucking groomed, arent i. Just fuck the hell off and dont tell me what i cant do. oh, and we failed. Kirsty came to me this morning, looked me in the eye. "Tell him everything." Followed him about all fucking day, trying to lure him away from the preps and dickheads he spends his time with, trying to talk to him. at lunch, it just got to the point where Coleman hunted him down and dragged him to my feet. And so Rob was just stood there, expecting me to launch at him and have a fucking go, but i had no fucking clue what to say. i tried, i really did. but im not the one feeling Kirsty's emotions. i told him exactly what she told me while trying not to sound stupid. but when you're trying to convey someone else's emotions, not you're own, you just sound a bit.. pathetic. and it was a lost cause anyway. "I know what she wants from this relationship, and i obviously can't give her that. she's better off without me anyway. she could do a lot better." "But she loves you." "I'm sorry, but you know in your heart when you dont love someone." he walked away. i went and smacked my head against a wall. Coleman came over. "..Worst case scenario?" "Yeah.." i buried my face in my history folder. why couldnt the angels save them? Dani was stood next to me, leaning against the wall. she looked sad. i dont know whats happened. but i cant deal with everyone, and i had to go after Baize. he's fucked up, has Baize. he's been in love with Martha for over a year now, and he finds himself in with a chance with the girl, so what does he do? go out with some year 9 kid. Dickhead. thing is, he couldnt see the bigger picture for the colours. if he'd have just asked for my help instead of pushing me away, he could be with Martha right now. she kept talking to me on msn (oh, the reckless child! there she is, talking to people she's never met on the internet again!) and telling me to give Josh this message, ask Josh this, hey Laura, is Josh going out with Hannah? (It is so fucking weird hearing other people call him by his real name. Like i can't see Jamie as James any more, i can't see Baize as Josh. funny that.) so Baize had a plan; dump Hannah on friday and he can get with Martha on saturday. it was a plan that was gonna work, but he's a pussy, aint he? he didn't do it. i was stood there amongst Baize and Alex and Hannah and random friends and friends of friends, just hissing "Be a fucking man!" into Baize's ear, but he did fuck all. its stupid. considering the conversation i'd had with him a while back. "..I'd just go back to admiring from afar.." "You always say that. why can't you just get over it and move on?" "No! You can't just move on that easy." "Can't you?" "No! Then you'd just be a.. a.. a woman-hopper. Trust me. i've gone over a year. it's killing me, but it'll be worth it in the end." so i start taking his advice. don't be a man-hopper. hold on, 'cause it's gonna be worth it. (i swear, my plan has to work. insane self-belief again. thank fuck the first time around gave me this kind of confidence.) and then he just goes back on his own words like the dickhead he is. so i couldnt be doing with my pussy of a best mate, so i went back to the steps where the rest of us sit. And you know who the fuck was there? Fucking Cressida. And that Emily kid, Anna's friend, in tow. There were fucking preps. in our fucking territory. Luckily Nige was walking next to me. Yeah, Nige was in school for once. Thank fuck. i need him around. i just said "Nige, quick, grab me," so he did and put one hand over my mouth. if he hadn't, i'd have flown at her. she can't show her face to my friends after what she did to me. Fortunately she turned and walked back to the prep's side of school just as we arrived. but Emma said something to her about our drama class, and she turned and yelled something back, and she smiled and waved. Girl. We hate your guts. Get the fuck away from us. i'm actually surprised Ben didn't get up and kick them. They were two pretty weak-looking preps, and he hates preps, and he can take people out with his kicks. trust me, i've been floored enough times. but then again, if we had kicked the shit into them, we'd all have been outside Mr Stewart's office up to the neck in incident forms for the rest of the day. i sometimes forget we're in the real world and there are consequences and irritating things like that around that you have to think about before you do stuff. anyway, i think they were talking to Whippy, the preps. on behalf of Anna. Whippy and Anna.. for weeks, he's been trying to ask her out and she's been trying to reject him. and we always went on at Whippy for being a pussy. but then Anna had to get her friends to come bite the bullet for her. so maybe we're all as bad as each other. so that was Whippy sunk into a wave of depression for the rest of the day. and that was only school. there were a few more fights to come. one before i'd even had a chance to get home. we were all walking back together as usual, and there's this girl we've dubbed 'fat chav' who walks our way with her sad little posse. we all hate her after she grabbed Baize and had him up against a wall on one of our walks home. he was just taking the piss, as usual. our mouths get us into some shit sometimes. but anyway, this girl was walking behind us, and she spits. not even my kind of spitting, which is disgusting and all over the shop, but proper, gobbed up, projectile spew kind of spit. and she was aiming for us. and this would have been funny. she'd have got me, i'd have turned round and knife-handed her. or pissed myself. she'd have got Jamie, who she was actually aiming for, he'd have probably laughed and waved. or thumped her. but no, she got Baize. all down his back. it was funny at first. gave her the laugh that says 'wow, you sure are pathetic, even for a dickhead,' and walked on. Baize handed Jamie his bag and took off his jumper, now covered in chav drool. But she spat again. she got Jamie this time like she intended - but instead of actually covering Jamie in the spit, she got it all down Baize's bag. Oh, fuck this, gotta go. Finish later.

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