• Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire.. i wasn't even gonna go out today. but Kirsty called me, and y'know, i thought 'what the hell' and told her to meet at the underpass in ten. it was 'cause Baize said he'd be out and Matt was over, that's why. turns out those two didnt come out in the end. which turned out to be fortunate. Me and Coleman are gonna save Kirsty and Rob's relationship, that's what we're gonna do. 'cause Coleman's Rob's best mate and he knows what's up with him, and i'm close to Kirsty so i know what the score is with her. and we know that if Rob dumps Kirsty it'll kill her, but it's going that way 'cause they don't seem to be going anywhere. oh well, we're gonna save them. i know we are, my angels are with me on this one. anyway, Rob and Kirsty ended up going in, so me and Coleman went down to the field. i remember going there with Dani and Kirsty, with the mist and the sign we snatched from Tesco. 'Cloud Nine!' my feet got wet. they didn't tonight though. all the ground's frozen over. i love the feeling of frozen mud beneath my shoes. it's one of the only nice things about winter. i used to love winter. it was 'cause summer screwed me over. how the tables have turned. so me and Coleman were walking down to the field. talking. "Looking forward to Saturday?" he's having a piss-up. "Sure am. =)" "Yeah, it's only gonna be me, you, Dani and Josh though.." "What about Channy?" "Oh, yeah, she might be there too." i haven't seen Channy in time. i miss her bad sometimes. i hope she is there saturday. so we were discussing what would go down saturday evening, 'cause us five on alcohol means shit's gonna go down. "Wait.. if you get Dani," i pointed out, after Coleman tells me his plans for the night, "then that leaves me and Baize.." "So? don't tell me you don't want to do him." "Yeah, but i don't particularly." "oh come on, you know you want to just a little bit. trust me, i can see these sort of things. i can tell. you act like a girl who fancies someone when you're around him. but then again, that could just be because you're such good friends.." "Yeah. we're just good friends. And anyway, i fancy someone else." "who... Ben?" at this i freak out. "You fucking ninjas! Get out of my life." i don't know how they do it, my ninjas. always know everything about me. sometimes even before i know it myself. "well, you know how i know?" "How?" "Well, you asked him out.." "Yeah, but i'm supposed to be over it. that's what i'm telling everyone. i've got to keep this charade up." "Don't worry, i won't tell anyone." "Good." and then i realise i can trust Coleman. "do you want to know the truth?" "Okay then." "Right. the truth. i fancied Ben, but i really did get over it when i got rejected; and you were right, i did start to fancy Baize. but it was only like a two day thing. and now im over that and back to liking Ben again." Coleman didnt react or anything to this. just promised not to tell anyone, was cool. im glad for that. some people would have been 'OMG' and forced an opinion on me. but whatever, its hardly my biggest secret. anyway, we got to the field, walked right to the middle of it, away from everything, and lay down in the frost and mud. looked up at the stars. i love the stars. they have my angels and my secrets. Coleman had some stories to share too. we gave our word; what's said in the field stays in the field. haha. Coleman told me about his family, all the shit that they do. it sounds brilliant. it may not be ideal, but its more exciting than my family any day. "So what about you Laura? What are your secrets?" "Hmm.. Well.. it was around this time last year. the week between Boxing Day and New Years." "Yeah?" "My best friend nearly died." "Really? Who's your best friend?" "She's called Geo." no one knows Geo. they've all heard of GeofromKent and LaurafromWales, Laura's best friends, she met them on the internet and met up with them last year, no they're not paedos. but no one's met them. i dont think ive ever really mentioned them to Coleman before. "How did she nearly die?" "She had a terminal lung disease." "Woah." "She survived." "I nearly died before." he had problems with his kidneys when he was a kid. actually crossed the line between life and death, had to be recussitated. (how the fuck do you spell/pronounce that?) "So what about your secrets?" he'd talked about his family but not himself. he talked about work and not being able to sleep or something. "..And i've had sex three times.. but i think everyone knows about that." "Yeah." i laughed. he told me the story of how he lost his virginity. quite entertaining. "i've never had sex.." that aint one of my secrets. everyone knows it. its hardly a bad thing. but then Coleman asked me something funny. "if someone, someone you actually wanted to have sex with, asked you to have sex with them, would you do it? d'you think you're what they call it, 'ready'?" "....It's funny you should ask that." "..Why?" a long pause. stared up at the stars. its ok kid, the stars have your secrets. second time in under a week i find myself lying in the dark telling myself to bite the bullet. "Why the silence? Why's it funny i should ask that?" "..Nothing leaves this field, right?" "Right." "It happened." "What.. someone you wanted to have sex with asked you to have sex with them?" "Yeah." "I take it you said no." "Yeah.." and they wonder why i've been so fucked up all week. "Who was it?" "Not saying." "Was it someone i know?" "Not saying." "Was it Ben?" "..i'm not saying." Fucking ninjas. that's the thing about my friends. there's no half-truths with them. they always know, even if i dont want to tell them. i never really expected i'd be having this heart-to-heart with Coleman, though. i was planning on Nige being the one i shared my woes with. but he's been ill or bunking all week, and hasn't been out. i get why now. they made it happen for a reason, so i'd end up telling Coleman. it feels best like this. i mean, i had to tell someone. i feel relieved now i have. and the angels knew if i told Nige it would all get out, 'cause he's so close to it all, so they kept me away from him. i feel i can trust Coleman, anyway. "..What do you think is beyond all this? Where do we go?" he motioned towards the stars. "We're all gonna find out some day." "i guess so." "What do you think happens?" "...Nah, you'll laugh at me." "No i won't!" "Okay then.. you ever hear of Valhalla?" "i think so.." "Valhalla. Paradise. But you have to die a true hero's death to reach the paradise.." "...That's so awesome." i want to die a hero's death. A pause. guess i should make my input. "i believe in angels." "so do i." at least Coleman won't think im crazy. "Guardian angels. Watching over us." "i think there are things that watch over us.. not angels maybe. but something that's out there, looking out for us." "Something to save us." "We all need saving sometimes." "...sometimes i can't believe i'm here." "what do you mean?" "this time a year ago.. i had no friends. i was a geek. and now.. i've got all you lot, i'm bunking and getting pissed and all sorts of shit, and it's all turned around." "see, i'm like exactly the same as you." "really?" "yeah. this time last year, i had no friends, i'd fallen out with Rob and that, i was being bullied, i hated my family.. i was miserable. could've killed myself." "i'm glad you didn't." they saved Coleman as well. maybe that's why we're here. we went home soon after. i needed that. everything gradually gets better, just like they told me it would. i'll tell you about the angels tomorrow.

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