• Current Music: Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls well, i could say i made a huge dent in my applications, but that would be a lie..it's my fault. i am a huge procrastinator. i haven't finished any of them. it's a huge shock that i even took the SATs..most of the time i wish things could be different. if only my mom hadn't died last year, if only my dad was a better person, if only my sisters understood me at all, if only i felt that my friends are true friends. my life is full of a million "if onlys." i have so many trust issues with every single person i know. i'm convinced that no one is actually on my side..the only time i really felt..loved, was with sam. which makes no sense cause i haven't even known him that long. i've discovered that i have a fear of being single. it's called anuptaphobia. ever since sam and i broke up, i've just been thinking about how i would take him back in an instant if he gave me the chance. my friends called me crazy for even thinking about taking him back after how he treated me like complete shit. but it really doesn't matter, i'm a romantic, and i believe in second chances even though i am always let down. it's a bad mix when they are together..believe me. well, to completely change the subject...thanksgiving is almost here. which means yet another night i get to dread with my family. holidays are such a joke in my family ever since my mom died. i mean the thought of even sitting in the same room with my dad and sisters makes me hate them even more. oh and thats another thing..my nephew is apparently the thing everybody has to now focus all of their attention on now. he's only 7 months old and my sister makes it seem like no one else fucking matters. we were talking about my birthday (i'm turning 18 in march) and she started to say how my birthday isn't gonna be a big deal because her son's birthday is the month after mine. i flipped the fuck out and was like "he isn't the most important fucking thing around. believe it or not bitch, other people have lives that don't revolve around their kids." ok, so i didn't call my sister a bitch but i was so close to it. and at one point during this conversation i said that my mom would have disowned her if she had a baby when my mom was still alive. my sister had riley when she was 21, my mom died before my sister ever knew she was pregnant, but if she were alive, my mom wouldve flipped out and kicked her out of the fucking house. it's amazing how barely a year has passed and already they have basically forgotten about my mom. i don't remember the last time anyone talked about her...it's like they never cared. i'll be the first to admit that i wasn't upset when it first happened. we all saw it coming, but when school started, thats when it hit me, and it hit hard. i'd give anything to go back to when my life made sense. sometimes i miss my mom so much that its unbearable...there have been days that i didn't want to see anyone or do anything. it was even a surprise if i left my room. i wish therapy worked for me, cause i would so try. but the last time i tried therapy, the fucking bitch told my mom everything i said. i hated her so much from the moment i met her. it was weird, but she always reminded me of my geometry teacher, who i also hated..it was a very vicious cyle. idk, i guess i don't have much faith in people.. for someone who claims to be happy, i spend a lot of my time being depressed. i cannot wait to go to college and forget about everything here. make new friends, do better things with my time..become a completely different person. and forget that my life here ever existed. i have every intention of leaving here, never coming back, and never speaking to my family again. as cold and bitter as that sounds, it's the only chance i'm gonna have at a normal life. the only thing i will honestly try to hold onto are my best friends. but even with them, i'm already seeing myself outgrow them both. it's sad but true. it's as if i'm losing everybody and i just can't seem to hold onto anything. maybe i'm just being pessimistic, but i can't just change into an optimist, no matter how much i want to. *written much later.. Currently Music: Teenagers by My Chemical Romance my life is so sad lately. i haven't done much of anything the past few days. writing this is probably the most interesting thing i have done at all. oh yeah i gave someone a ride today, oh hey atleast i left the house though. i guess thats always a plus. atleast i'm starting my new job on monday. that'll give me something to do. and i definitely need the money. i'm so addicted to watching sex and the city right now. it's always on tv. i think ive seen every episode, which is kind of sad, i mean what am i going to do with that information? i really hate my sisters. they don't understand me at all, and they sure as shit don't respect me. i get the feeling all the time that they hate me too. which is really fucked up cause family is supposed to be who you love and trust the most. i will never feel that way about them though. did you ever get to a point in your life where you realized that no one is there for you? that theres no one to turn to and theres nothing you can do about it? thats where i am right now. i just want everything to be different. but nothing ever changes, everything will always be the same idk i'm just a huge mess right now. might post again later :(

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