• Man...I miss Hilda....oh and I think I know why I like Stephanie so much...I've noticed...but I just thought I was being paranoid...but I've confirmed it.....it turns out the reason I have a crush on Stephanie is because she looks just like Hilda...I'm serious..they look identical almost......I don't know I think I'm just trying to replace her.......she was just such an amazing girlfriend....I miss her......anyway today was so fucked up.....1st period was okay...except while everyone was busy working on their clay project my stomach decided to make a little outburst ...it was so embarrassing...loud too...I felt like everyone was looking at me...you see all I ate in the morning was a quesadilla...another thing that happened a lot today...I thought a lot about my uncle Chepe....1st period I was fine....but then 2nd period..I broke down...for no apparent reason...I was feeling sick to my stomach...I had my head down all period...feeling like I was going to puke.....then...I started to thinking about everything..and the tears just came........I doubt anybody saw me..or noticed.......but yeah...Cara might have seen me....Sarah might have...she didn't write back....big surprise...but she did come up to me and ask if everything was okay....she then gave me a hug...well she layed on me for a while.....I don't know what that meant...she was probably just worried...that made me happy though...she still means a lot to me.......but anyway yeah I was crying so much.....when Mrs. Rasmussen asked me to sign my detention slip...I couldn't she had to hold it down because I was shaking so much...I felt so pathetic.....guys don't cry...I'm so weak...so vulnerable....Mrs.Rasmussen asked me if I wanted to go to the counselors..but I refused...I knew they would just force me to talk then they'd think i had depression which I most likely do....and then I'd have to take pills and my mom would worry about me...nah..thanks but I'll pass.....she also offered to talk to her any time I wanted...but no thanks you wouldn't understand..besides I'm not one to want to talk things out...I usually don't rely on anyone but myself..if I'm hurt its my pain to deal with my problem and mine alone...kind of a sick way of thinking...I guess even I have my limit...maybe it was just time I let it all out...so yeah...I just walked out of that class and on to the next...it wasn't going to change my whole fucking day..I wouldn't let it....so yeah as I walked out that door and into the hallway...I found that guy Jose form my first period...the guy who always says..."Calmate animal!"...heh dumb ass....anyway he saw that something was wrong..he was about to ask me what was wrong...but I just walked away....I have no reason to explain myself to anyone....anyone..so anyway I went to third...I tried to fight the tears..but they just kept coming...I though I'd be okay.....that nobody would notice me..and well they didn't until Kiva noticed.....I didn't cry anymore after that..but still...I don't know I hated today it was so.....you know what I don't even care what it was ...I just want today to end...so anyway the rest of the day was okay..i guess....lunch I tried to sit by myself...I don't have any real friends anymore...Daryl...fuck Daryl......I don't know ..Oh yeah I tried to sit on the stairs by the drinking fountain..but some stupid teacher said I couldn't sit there..so I had to go to the cafeteria to sit..despite the fact that I don't eat....but yeah lunch was weird..first some guy I didn't even know came up to me to see what I was doing....meh..and then this kid who used to sit at Daryl's table before they moved..(he tagged along)..he pissed me off....he thinks I'm emo.."Don't cut yourself it's not worth it!.."..and he also said some shit about how....I could go to THEIR table when I was ready.....heh yeah...Don't pity me asshole...I don't need your pity....thanks but NO THANKS.....anyway..then this other kid who I knew..came up to me...he's pretty cool...but still I didn't need the pity.....heh since when did people start caring so much.....so yeah after lunch there was French then Health....On the ride home...Mario wasn't such an ass....he was okay..for once....Oh but today I got a really pleasant surprise....Crystal...who I talked to a lot before...wrote to me today...that girl is so random.....she had apparently heard that I was crying...man that kind of creeps me out...it seems that she has connections out there that check up on me.....heh she knows what happens to me even though I never see her anymore..and i don't have any classes with her...anyway her letter was so sweet...she even gave me her phone number which is kind of odd...because....well...this other time before..she asked me out..kind of..yeah she did.....she wanted to go to this party thing...where she was going to be acting....i don't know.....I think she might like me....too many signs...I don't know I'm too naive when it comes to these things......at first I didn't like her.....but now it seems she really cares about me..and I don't know....I think I just want to feel loved.....what do you when you need love..and someone loves you...but you don't love them...should you be with them just because of the love they have for you?..I don't know.....but I....I don't know ...whatever.....man I hope this day ends soon...I'm beginning to have a major headache..

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