• I finally have come to the realization and truth of my longing. She died a long time ago with everything good and best in me along with my hopes, dreams, fantasies, and part of me I wish I could take back...5 years ago? No it seems longer then that...centuries ago. All this time I've just been wanting something that has gone and past and I can never have back, a state of denial. The one that now stands before me is just a shell of who she really was, I just thought that maybe in my last desperate attempt I could coax out her former self or find a fragment of the whole that I could cherish and keep hold of and maybe some day restore it if I nurtured it enough, but it doesn't work like that...once it is complete they cant change back no more then butterflies can go back to being a caterpillar, even if they wanted to. Life was her catalyst to change I just wish I could've been there when it was happening to stop her or change with her. When I saw her again for the first time in so many years I knew something was different I just didn't know what, now I know it was something deeper than features, she was now a complete stranger and so was I to her, all this time it wasn't her rescinding her promises but it was the stranger, the real her would never do something that wicked. All this time I thought I was crazy and stalker-obsessive but turns out all I was really doing was looking for the truth. So its time for me to stop being angry and bitter at the shell and leave it alone because their is nothing it can do about it, I'm asking the impossible, years before I believed you could always go back to the past and to how things were but now I know the truth you can't...you just can't no matter how bad you want it and no matter how desperate you are. I also have to let go of this reverie and save myself and move on to something different, because now I realize that she isn't waiting for me as how I had thought, so I've been stalling for no reason but not in vain though because I have learned much from this long depressive exhausting life-sucking experience, she is gone, sometimes bad things happen I don't know if their is or isn't a reason but they just do and now the worst has happened to me. I lost part of me. I will always love who she was in the end and I always have, I can still see her sweet smile and remember the time when she lovingly offered me her hand out of the blue when the first one I saw the most in let me fall, that day I realized she was the only one for me she was mine and I was hers, once I think about it she was always helping me or saving me in some way or another I wish I could've repaid her even just once. Just knowing if she was still around that we would be together, makes my heart lighter. Now that I've come to realize, this is surely the last time I will speak of her, just like someone deceased she is no longer among us but is in my most loved and cherished memories which will also fade and grow dim in time but the warmth I feel for her will not...Man do I miss her. R.I.P - "Here lies Cilla the symbolization of everything that could've been and would've been but ended before she began." 09/11/90

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