• i am so fed up with my life right now. i can't stand the way i am living. i'm not close with my family at all, which makes things soo hard and i have no idea what lies in my future, and all i want in this world is to know the truth! I'm so sick of being sheltered. i just want to get out and move to my dream place and live my own life the way i want to. Everything just seems hopeless and it feels like i don't want to even live anymore. don't worry, i'm not suicidal or anything but i'm just sooooooo frustrated! First of all, my mom and sister are completely against me. Everything i do, is considered "wrong," "bitchy" or immature to them. They never sincerely consider my feelings about things and they automatically think that are superior to everybody because they "believe in God." Don't get me wrong, i'm catholic and believe in my faith, but i feel that they both of them use their beliefs to turn things around in order to get their way. They're always saying shit like how i can never cut my short because it would be "sinful" to not stay with a hairstyle that looks BEST on me...because if i were to change that BEST hairstyle, then i would be offending God by not looking my best for him at all times. R U FUCKIN SERIOUS?! i swear they just make shit up to control my life and what i want to do with it. And they think they are sooooo right about everything...to the point that they are extremely arrogant, which i'm sure is against the church too. I'm just soooo sick of their shit. I may grow up and look back and believe i was just being an immature bitch and they had a good point, but right now i'm just so overwhelmed with their fuckin minds. I'm also stressed with college b/c i don't kno how things are going to work out with my switching schools n stuff. So thats another thing on my mind. I feel like my friends r backin away from me too :( i know i've already lost one of my best friends from high school b/c she turned gay and doesn't talk to me anymore. Its like, all of sudden, she doesnt have a care in the world for me and wouldn't feel bad about our friendship dropping. I don't care that she's gay...its against my religion but i don't tell other people how to live their lives. Its just that she can never speak to me again and wouldn't feel bad at all. My other best friend and i seem to not have much in common anymore. We really are two peas in a pod but when we talked on the phone today, it just seemed different and we weren't talkin as best friends, but as..i don't know. I'm sure once we get together, we'll bond again but it just feels awkward. She's seriously my most dear friend and i can't lose her ! maybe i'm over-reacting. And my other best friend hasn't called me in a while. I kno that i just got back from vacation but i seriously doubt she thought of me at all. She has a new boyfriend which is totally cool cuz he's sooo sweet, but we've gotten so close this summer and it feels like she can easily blow me off. And another thing that i feel terrible about is that my third very good friend would do anything to keep me happy, but i kno i haven't done my share of the friendship mending. On top of all this shit, i still am having the weirdest non-existent love life right now. I can't get my mind off that certain someone. This is soooo whack! what the fuck does this mean?? I've talked to him for only a year but i've had a crush on him for 2 years. But of course, i've had a few crushes n stuff in between, but i always seemed to keep him in the back of my mind and more than ever, i just want to know what he's feeling. I want him to feel comfortable with talking to me about personal stuff and i want him to share his dreams with me. I want him to know that i think he's such a mystery to me...don't kno if thats a good thing or a bad thing but whatever. But furthermore, that mystery is what keeps me interested. It makes me want to know even more about his thoughts and his desires. wow, now i'm starting to sound creepy. Nothing weird! i promise! just revealing some thoughts goin on in my head. So yes, i have alot on my mind right now. I just wish i can move away to New York City and start all over. but u can't just runaway whenever u have problems in your life. Just gotta keep on living. I better go to bed cuz i'm beat. Got to go to work blah!!!!!!! then i need to work out cuz i'm getting fatter by the minute. thats another great thing thats screwin up my life. Friday i'm goin with some friends to get tattoos..haha should be fun. I think i might get one too but i would be murdered if my family found out. so i better wait till i move out so it can truly be my own life. but who knows...maybe i'll be in my usual rebellious mood and get it anyway. we'll see :) good night world! hopefully tomorrow will be better..."after all, tomorrow is another day!" (Gone With the Wind)

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