• I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains. -Anne Frank I suppose that should be my outlook on life. It's not though, the constant sight of misery and despair has worn me down, and no, i have yet to seen the horrors in which Anne Frank dealt with and that makes me feel much more humble, and some how greatful that despite all of my turmoil there is still so much worse that has been and has yet to be endured. Well, today, if anything makes me want a cigarette. And it's so weird how i often crave them at the end of a bad/chaotic day, when i have never even smoked in my life. But ohhhh, how I just want to take a drag and enhale while letting the nicotine fill my lungs and allow the sudden calming effect to overwhelm me, in a sweet subtle way. Well, this morning i had plans to hang out with Nick. Mom has been such a neurotic lately though, she really is going mad and it's annoying to say the least, i really have no sympathy for it. I'm sick of dealing with all the neurotics of my family. Shall i introduce them, even though i haven't introduced myself yet. Well to be honest i don't know who i am, or who i want to, so lets just start with what i do know. Mom- A once beautiful, kind woman, who loved often, and yelled even more. She is so much more a basket case now, someone i feel is quite lacking in intelligence, and fully lacking in maturity. She over reacts, over compensates, and overwhelms. And despite how mean this sounds, well don't judge me, you don't know. If you knew you would say much meaner things than I. Moving on... Dad- Someone who doesn't quite deserve to be called brilliant. But i suppose he's a mastermind at manipulating and fooling all into thinking he really is good. In reality, he is an anger filled, alcoholic, abusive, sodomy loving man. He is a fake to my mom. He is a fake to his work. He is a fake to God. But i see past all of that. I do, i don't know why he doesn't feel the need to hide his real self around me but he doesn't, and i wish he did. I wish i didn't know the truth. Like Elliott Smith and I say, a distorted reality is a necessity for freedom. Well allll'be damned. Ain't that the truth? It is who you are is a base of what you've observed from your parents. So, so far, my future holds an immature, overreacting, enraged, alcoholic, fake. Well what a blessing. Sister- Introverted. Crazed introvert. Sociopathic. Future alcoholic. Extremely over reactive, like mom. Extremly immature, like mom. Extremly suicidal, like the rest of the world. Extremly angry and abusive like dad. She's drugged, cruel, easily angered and easily hurt. She starves, she smokes, she hates. Maybe she's more alive then me? Well, when my family is this disturbed where does that leave me you ask? Well, i like to believe i have more hope then they. But who am I to be deserving of a potentially good life? ...makes you want a fag doesn't it?

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