• The fact that i'm now consciously aware that no one is reading this, has now if anything, given me the perrogative to write poorly, and to divulge any true feelings i may have regarding extremely personal issues. This, however, is not as liberating as you'd think it would be. I suppose you can be the first to know: I love Chris. I have no doubt in my mind that what I feel is not love, the scary thing is, what kind of love? Ohh how i want it to be true, so badly, that I fear i'll just create that illusion in my head. I feel like it's sort of a mess to be made. Because just reading other song lyrics, and hearing stories of other people's lost love and heart ache, makes me question my belief that he is my soul mate; despite my lack of believing in the true exsistence of a literal soul mate to an extent. But now, i hear these stories of how so many people have thought that, and now i feel that i'm slightly deluded and severly blinded to the fact that this love could be everything but true, and it worries me because a distorted reality is a necessity to be free. (yes, that is the name of the ever popular Elliott Smith song) but i suppose, that truth is an even better reality, however, a distorted reality hurts so much less then the truth. i think that by the way i feel now, i really wont be able to handle the truth when the time comes. i feel like i will be lost without his love. Or lost without the idea of love? i think it's too soon for me to be thinking about all of this now anyways. MY first love though, i really hope he knows how much that effects me. i try and keep my cool around him but i swear he sees right through me. He is everything i ever wanted and sometimes less, and sometimes more, but what's so great is that the things that are less, well that's ok. because i love him despite those imperfections that i never thought i would like. And he suprises me by being someone so much more then i ever thought exsisted. You know, my dad really destroyed my perception of man. My dad, has forced me to believe that all men seem good on the outside, but in reality are pigs. Well Chris, you have destroyed that stereotype, and at the same time you have saved me from being a bitter, lonely, old lady. That rescue i don't think will ever be something you'll know you accomplished, but despite that i appreciate you all the same. You make me a better person, you know, you really do. But oh, how i miss you. And i really believe that will be the demise of our love. But who am I to not trust God's plan? For all i know the distance will be the one thing that keeps us together. Lord, i pray, i can continue to put my full faith in You. I think writing in this will be a greater form of release then i realize. I finally have a place to put all of my bottled up feelings, now it's just whether or not i'll be able to release them.

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