• I had fun today. I woke up late and ran around town with my dad. Then I hung out with my best friend for a while, and then I came home and slept again. My mom took me to the gym. I actually worked out.. and I felt good. So why is it that I kinda feel shitty... 1) I probably need to sleep. I sleep all the time.. its my solution for everything.. and a way to waste away my life (not what I want, though) I'm always tired. 2) People piss me off. I never tell people how I'm feeling because I don't want to seem any more self centered then I already am.. So all I do is ask people about themselves. Damn they rant like no other. I'd kinda like to rant. I'd kinda like someone to ask me how I'm doing and actually be interested in what I'm saying.. or at least pretend. ha. I'll rant on here instead. 3) Why do I like this kid. He fucking pisses me off. He's made me feel probably almsot every single emotion out there.. good and bad. When its the good ones, I want to date him. When its the bad ones... I want to kill him.. or myself. And I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. And him for that matter.. he likes me so how can he be such an asshole? It dosn't make sense. 4) I know I'm a coward. Its just a fact. I won't risk anything. I won't date anyone because I'm afraid that they'll be dissapointed, or that I'll be embarassed. I won't talk about what I want to because I'm afraid it won't be accepted. Which it probably won't, but I should be myself. I ramble pointless shit that the fuckers out there find amusing... so I get by. That was harsh. I take it back. But I tell people what they want to hear. 5) I need to drink. Why the hell is it so hard to get your hands on alcohol around here? Idk. But alcohol keeps me from doing things that are worse. And it lets me say what I want. It SLIGHTLY gets rid of my fucking fear of life. Yea. I'm afriad of life I guess... so I'm not really living it. Which is fucked up. I have friends though, good ones, and I'm honest to them. I just wish I could be honest to everyone. I've told too many lies to keep them all straight. I lied to my mom today. She asked what I did to my leg.. it had bandaids on it. Haha I told her I scratched it with the edge of a book. What the hell but it went by. I don't cut. I try to not do that... but sometimes I'm tempted. What I did was scratch words onto my leg.. is that considered cutting? No idea. But I was pissed. So my legs have various words on them that I didn't want anyone reading, because it looks obviously intentional. Probably a stupid idea to do it in the first place, but I wasn't thinking. I really just want to be straight up with this kid. Tell him that I want to date him but I'm scared and he pisses me off so much sometimes. I don't think I can do it.. but turning him down all the time is making me beat myself up. I need some good music. And iTunes isn't working. Maybe I'll sleep instead. xoxo

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