• sooo.. this is entry numero dos.. very exciting. i never really wrote for awhile.. probably because my internet has been deathly slow these last few days. but clearly that's just an excuse for my incompetence. haha. anyways, i started a new job yesterday. it's at a department store downtown (and by downTOWN, i mean downVILLAGE).. and no body shops there so i mostly stand there all day. its awesome.. minus the awesome. so.. i'm frustrated with myself. in more ways then one. i'm kinda getting "close" with a friend of mine.. and its confusing.. because i have no clue where we stand.. and i dont know how he feels.. he tells me he loves that i'm in his life and all.. but i dont know if he means it in a friendly way or what.. wow my problems are so.. dumb. i can't help it though. and i always think like.. how can i be down in the dumps when i know there are people with problems ten times bigger and harder than mine. i dislike myself for it. but i think we all do it.. i think anyways.. back to the guy. one of my best friends lost her virginity to him.. but now doesn't want anything to do with it. but i still find it awkward if she sees me with him or whatever.. because she is a close friend. and i know everything she's gone through and done with him.. sometimes i wish i never knew.. oh well.. i guess that's my fault for being a nosey friend. i always find myself messing up. especially with this guy. he always wants to hang out. and i would love to hang out with him. but my parents really dont like him and i kinda don't blame them.. clearly i choose the wrong guys to date. but yeah.. so i'm always nervous about asking to hang out with him because i know they'll say no.. and it seems that there's no point in even doing it. then i feel bad because i let him down.. and yeah. yuck. i hate it. i feel like i need to prove that i want to be around him before anything happens in the first place.. if that makes sense.. and i've told him this. he says there is no need for me to prove anything. but it's really not for him. it's for myself. if i can stand up to my parents, it will show me that i really care about him. man i sound like a dummy haha. i love me. this is a long journal i think. i've been typing for awhile. but not a long while because i am a fast typer. :) haha.. so i'm listening to the sunscreen song.. its really good.. technically not a song.. just a speech put to music. but yeah, i listen to it when i'm feeling negative about my future.. which is quite often.. it scares me that i have no clue what i'm doing when i grow up. and i'm going into grade 11 in the fall. it upsets me that i realize that i have to figure it out, but i don't. i can't. i dont know how and truthfully, i'd rather not think about it. i'd rather live my life one day at a time, to the fullest. but i think i've failed that wish so far. my life isn't full. i'm not saying its empty. but i think there's a lot of room for improvement. and i do not say this to blame anyone but myself. i take the blame for it completely... i really dont know what i'm talking about.. haha this happens often. anywayssss, i'm going to conclude this short novel. haha :) - L

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