• pray for them, if u believe... they're gonna need it. i'm hanging by such a thread. by day, i'm like the spazziest person u can meet. my friend's stepmom said i was 'glowing' and 'blossoming'. right. she has no fuckin idea. so then at night, ya no, once the sun goes down and the dark sets in, the same transition takes place in my soul. is this normal? for me, prolly; for any sane, normal person, probably not. u no the song imaginary by evanescence? that line about the paper flowers always made me think they'd just dissolve if it rained. i'm one of those flowers. it starts raining and i'm depressed and out in it, i fall apart. completely. sometimes my 'depression to the point of clarity'. sometimes to the point of crying. right now, its raining inside watever is left of my soul. i think, if i could step out of my life, if i could step out of my body, if i could see the world thru someone else's eyes, i could be so much happier. but i can't, and so i'm not. which sux. im sorta afraid that this pattern- happy/depressed. happy/depressed. wake up-crash-cheer up-crash-fall asleep- will never end. i'll be like that for the rest of my life. even worse, i wont be able to hide it any longer and my friends will find out how fucked up i really am. ha, i "drop the f-bomb" way too much in this journal. and i bitch way too much. and complain and whine and crap. all about things not really worth complaining about. and myself. self-hatred is one thing that i'm really good at. so is finding and bitching about my own insufficiencies. to quote linkin park: "i dont know what's worth fighting for or why i have to scream i dont know why i instigate and say wat i dont mean i dont know how i got this way i'll never be alright so i'm breaking the habit i'm breaking the habit tonight I'll paint it on the walls cuz i'm the one at fault i'll never fight again and this is how it ends" except that i CAN'T break this habit. i am the one at fault, but i'm still fighting. myself. my friends. my parents. conformity. society. basically, even life itself sometimes. this isnt how it ends though- it will never end. for me there is no light at the end of the tunnel; for all i know, the tunnel could have no end. for all i know, i could be walking in circles. all i know is that i keep hitting the walls and splattering, putting myself back together. the wrong way. there seems to be no right way to put myself back together. at least my life isnt what's shattering- i still have something to fall back on. my life support. i dont know if my unicorns will make it. we'll see. you'll all be invited to the memorial service if they don't. rsvp- KittyKat_13@verizon.net one thing i do know- i like metaphors way too much. and make them too elaborate. and bore you all with my poetic bitching (isnt that ironic?) luv u all

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