• im gonna try to be happy and NOT depressing! yippee! it shouldnt be too hard cuz im so sugar high. well, i was like half an hour ago. we had a 2nd yrbk party 2day. which roxed. we played crack the whip (which i havent played since like 5th grade) and red rover outside after and it was awesome. so my math project is gonna be awesome. not. its all about transformations of figures or images and crap. my pic is a cat. =^..^= so i'm gonna call my project Transformations Of A Cat Named Virtute. no one at my schools gonna get the reference, but thats ok. love that song! (Plea From... not Translations Of..., for those who don't know what I'm talking about.) i have so much HW. i should be doing it but i'm not. yet again. i'm such a procrastinator :) o ya. today i found out that Meriwether Lewis (lewis and clark lewis) was a depressed little freak. hmm. we must be related. lol. not funny, dunno y i'm laughing. but i am. ok. now im gonna be depressing. i feel so bad for tay- 'the d-man' is really playing with her and just tearing her apart. he likes ES now, apparently (supposedly?), and its bugging her how she can't get over him. :( ha, mieolhc, ur ttly right. white with pink polka dots. or maybe rainbows and unicorns. lol. i dont ttly think of my perception of the world as black. just hazy grey, with a few holes in the clouds so the sun can come through once in a while. see? what'd i tell u all? i get poetic when i'm in my freaky depressed mood. it makes me laugh, sometimes, though it doesnt make me feel any better. i just feel like my life is rushing by me too quickly for me to live it. ya no wat i mean? its like wat squibb said- freaking whatifs all over the place. seriously, if my thoughts could paint a room... it'd be black and grey, dark almost-black purple... my thoughts scrawled across the walls in my own blood. the walls weeping for the pain i hide so well, the pain i can't explain... the pain i've picked up from fictional characters of my own inventions. the bloody words smearing, rewriting themselves, scarring the wallboard...how fucked up am i really? am i scaring you yet? nobody ever said this journal would be normal. i can't wait for summer so i won't have to stop hiding everything and i won't need reasons to go for walks in the rain by myself. it just scares me how dark i can get, then turn around and there is my mask of my own unicorns, though no one sees that they're black and fading fast. it takes effort to pretend to be happy, u no. i think i'll delete this entry tomorrow. so not too many people think i have major issues. which i do. cheers, drink up... haha. so much for being happy in this entry. once i actually find a place i can let everything go, i fall into my deepest thoughts and throw them out, black text flying across the blank page, filling it until there's nothing left inside. and then i read it and know i need help, from friends so close to me, but also doubt they can ever completely fix me. i just need someone to talk to, someone who won't care how fucked up i am, how bitchy i am, someone i can tell everything, someone who won't back off and leave me. in other words, probably some devout christian kid as my bf, to convince me i can be saved (haha, revelationsboy. i wish. *sigh*). even tho i won't believe it. o ya, mieolhc- jumped out of the plane and took the only parchute, as we fly on into the storms of our emotions btw, shout outs to squibb17! hope u cheer up Emilee! not that this entry will help u with that...

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