• lately i have been thinking about- what would happen if it all ended today, where do i go, who would miss me- and it worries me, are those suicidal thoughts? because i know i have so much to live for, i love my family, i love my boyfriend, and the few friends i have, i do care for. so much stuff just seems to constantly build up to the point of overwhelming. i dont care about school, i see it more of a waste of time than anything, but i have nothing else to occupy myself with. i have sat in my room all day today just listening to music which sends me to an almost high. i cant get the music inside me enough and the voices just overpower any other feeling i have. last night it was almost over between tye and i, and i was sad, almost desperate. but it made me realize, once again i have put my entire life into a boyfriend. i dont think he will betray me, but what do i do if it does end? i wonder sometimes if i am depressed, but what about? i am happy sitting by myself on a couch and just listening to music all the time, but i isolate myself from almost everyone i know except tye, because he is really the only one who can make me truly smile, but as i learned last night i cant depend on him all the time to occupy myself with. he feels overwhelmed because neither one of us want marriage in our distant but not so distant futures. im stuck in a void. i am tired of the people i call friends not being able to stand up to me. i know i can be an abrasive person and they have known the same thing since they first met me, but i hate the fact that if someone has a problem with me they cant seem to spit it out, they hide it from me like im going to lash out at them or something, and instead they put up a fake persona and make believe. last night i sat in my bed just playing what if's over and over in my mind. my family dealt with a death last year and i saw the devastation it caused, people in my family i saw cry that i have never seen show emotion before. my aunt saying over and over, when he gets home im going to..., when he gets home. i dont want to cause that kind of pain, but i want to disappear. would disappearing for sometime cause the same amount of pain? why do i want to disappear.. i live over six hours away from my family anyway.

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