• first...with Oz...everything about him...oh my god i love him. I never thought i would ever truely open myself to this...and thats the thing...i didnt do it...he did...he opened my eyes and "saved my soul" from the depths of this wall i had made...im so lucky to have found him...when he holds me close i dont want to leave...i want to stay in this beautiful world hes created... god...words will never be enough to describe this... ah yes...then the other shit that fills my head...(yay...?) my mother...how am i supposed to get over her not being in my life if she just keeps popping in and out of it to tease me again and again....she asked to see me on Mon...i said i couldnt....and i havent heard from her since...maybe i should have said yes...but everytime i do it turns to shit...i thought i didnt care anymore...i really did...but i guess i still have that stoopid problem of locking certain things up for awhile....then they resurface 10x worse....damn...and i thought i had learned my lesson. so was i just being paranoid and untrusting...or...smart when i said no? and of course..philosophy....the questions i had in teh beginning have gotten deeper and deeper with each answer...im in so deep right now...i feel insane...trapped in a room...a small suffocating room...with nothing but questions surrounding me. and i cant even word them right to say them outloud....thats not very helpful. lol whats been getting me latly is how people act... take my dad...he "studies" the toltecs (aztec philosophers that believe in the preservation of your energy and self...and that you contribute it to a "higher being" as in..."we are all one")...now in that mind set(which i have studied) because you are all one being...one energy...yelling, hitting, and doing things that are harmful to your body...hurts everyones energy...so in that mind set....you preserve your anger, fear...etc. because it is harmful to all....my dad is always sayiong how much he believes in it...and what does he do all the time? yell, hit, and inject toxic things into himself...doesnt really fit. so what i want to know is how thte mind process works...i dont doubt that he believes it...but he doesnt act on it...so ....why? cuz everyone is different...and i want to figure out what and why they are. eh...not like it really matters...im just curious.

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