I love my baby so much.
I wish we had more time to express ourselves...but parents and school get in the way...but i suppose when its meant to happen it will...but its driving me crazy trying to contain myself.
Today he gave me a letter that reminded me to look at the beautiful things aswell as what else is going on...i really appreciate that. Although there is alot going on in my mind...i cant let it swallow me and sometimes i need to be reminded.
Man...there is sooo much going on right now...between my dads actions and me trying to understand the reasons rather hten being hurt by it(because i know he has a reason for his somewhat insanity....and it saddens me that he wont open up to me...or maybe he doesnt even know the reason all the way...hmmmm)...my stepmom(who makes EVERTHING worse because she has absolutly no compassion...but i cant really blame her....shes never really needed it)....trying to teach my brother that ppl do care and the world isnt always as bad as it is at home...then cooking and cleaning and parenting my sister....then the real stuff starts...the stuff inside of my mind...there are no words to explain it...there really isnt...its crazy in there...hmmm then theres Derrick...the ever confusing man...i worry somethimes thta he trys to be something else.....i know hes trying to find himself...but sometimes his compassion seem like an act....im not saying he needs to have compassion up the ass...but he does need to be honest about who he is...hes one of my closest friends and i just want to make sure hes happy.
then theres Oz...ive been somewhat looking into him....but the problem is when i ask him deeper questions...he gives me a surface answer...IDK...i suppose thats okay...i just want to see more of what he hides from everyone...it seems as though he has this...concrete exterior...a smooth surface...always the same pace...same direction...same emotion...calm...and there isnt anything wrong with that (in fact i kind of admire it at times)...i jsut want to find whats under it....maybe it jsut hasnt been looked at in a long time...even by himself...
Hmmm....i want to go outside.....
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