• July 24, 2006 I’m back from New Hampshire. It was cool. We had fun. Too bad Molly couldn’t stay for longer and had to go to camp. Me and Michael have three cousins that we usually go see: Corey, Jared, and Molly. Corey’s twenty, Jared is Michael’s age, and Molly is almost thirteen. They’re great. Corey reminds me of Ted before his dad died. Jared is a cross between Danny DeWind and my old friend Gary. Molly is just herself, pretty mature and cool for twelve. Jared seems to have gotten excessively random over the past year. He’s just unnecessarily stupid now. By the end of the vacation, I was extremely tired of Jared. And when he was hanging out with Michael, he took Michael down with him. I’ve never seen such a maturity drop in him. He started acting like he did in his early sophomore year. So pretty much like a freshman, which he accuses me of acting like! We did do a lot of fun stuff, though. We went to Six Flags, even though I wasn’t thrilled about the idea at first. I’m scared of the roller coasters. I hate the falling/losing your stomach feeling. I went along with it, though. We went without Aunt Kathy and with (I think) their other cousin (from the other side of the family), Brian. Brian was cool and he was in his twenties. He encouraged me to go on the bigger stuff. They tried to get me on the Superman, the biggest roller coaster that Six Flags has. I said I didn’t want to. Superman has a straight drop down. I didn’t care that Molly went on it and made me look bad. I was scared. They finally went on it, and had to wait in line for about a half hour. That left me to spend a (to use New England vernacular) wicked awkward forty-five minutes with Uncle Doug, who doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not a kid anymore. So we didn’t talk much, and I contemplated what a coward I was. I’ll fast forward and tell you that they got me on it. I don’t know how. I just knew that I would never hear the end of it if I didn’t. I was freaking out. I strapped myself in and shot a terrified look at Molly, sitting next to me. “It’s okay, Claire,” she said earnestly. “It’s a blast. I promise you’ll love it.” I swallowed hard and said, “I really hope you’re right. I’m scared.” “Don’t be. It’s fun.” We started going up the chain. I was scared. Every prayer I knew shot through my head. Actually, only two occurred to me. The Prayer to St. Michael and the Hail Mary. We were halfway up and Jared, in one of his rare caring moments, said, “You’re okay, Claire. And now you can tell everyone you went on it.” Michael echoed him, saying, “You’re fine. It’s gonna be awesome.” We got to the top and Molly said, “Here we go, Claire!” We went over the top. On our way down. I gripped the thing in front of me and screamed bloody murder. Contrary to before, every swear word I knew raced through my head. I could hear Michael going, “Woohoo!” in front of me. Then it was over. The drop was over. It got sweet after that. What do you know. Molly was right. Fun. Not scary. We went on it three more times. I have to say I’m quite proud of myself. I was freaking out when I got home. Lenell told me that Amy had something to tell me but I had to hear from her or something. I assumed it was something bad and freaked out. I finally backed Lenell into a corner by asking a bunch of questions, and I got it out of her. Amy hooked up with Alex. And I was seriously the only one who saw that coming. Lenell was like, “What? How did you see that?” I really don’t know. Maybe it was because she flipped out on me so much. I could see it was there. Lenell is pretty bummed. I know why. No one likes to be the friend of the couple, and she’s worried about when they get into a bad fight or something and she has to take a side. I agree. This is going to go very bad, very fast. Everyone knows long distance relationships never work! I’m with Lenell. I don’t want people hurt, here. God, this feels like a bad dream. Wake up, wake up! Someone is going to be hurt. This is not going to work. And I can’t say all this to Amy. It’s the worst. She would kill me. As New Found Glory would say: “We never planned on this disaster”. She’s going to get over him fast. Or he’s going to get over her. Or they’ll break up and things will get messy. Something will happen. I wonder if Zach knows. I bet not. I swear this is out of my worst nightmare. I actually had a dream about the NEMC crew last night. I dreamed that we were all in a hotel and Lenell and Amy were standing by a nerdy kid and they were like, “Claire, this is Alex.” I hugged him and then asked him, “So how much do you weigh?” because he looked really skinny and nerdy in the dream. I picked him up and he was light. For the rest of the time we were sneaking around the hotel for some reason. Maybe it means that Alex has become Amy’s type. It probably does, even though they say dreams can’t tell the future. Maybe I’ll wake up, although it’s not looking good. Time = 9:57 P.M. EDST. Goodbye. July 25, 2006 Went to Amy’s today. It was nice to see her again after a month, but it was sort of weird after awhile to get used to the idea of them dating. I don’t know why. Maybe because she always said she would never date him. And now she is. I’ve just never seen her this, like, caught up in anyone. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that THIS WILL NOT WORK, no matter how much she likes him or how much they try. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, but that’s eventually how this is going to go. I wonder if I have some strange precognitive ability to know what my best friend is feeling. When David told me she called a bunch of times, I knew there was either big news or something was wrong. I also knew it had something to do with Alex. I also always knew she liked him, even when she didn’t. When I was asking Lenell all those questions, I wanted to ask straight out if they had hooked up. And it goes the other way, too. Amy always knows what I’m thinking. Even if it’s not obvious to me. The Walrus was her first guess as to who I liked, even when I thought I still liked Luis. Which I didn’t. I was just fooling myself. Strange stuff. We’re connected, that’s for sure, I just don’t know on what level. I’m worried. Amy isn’t going to take it well when Alex breaks up with her for another person. Or just breaks up with her. She’s going to be all hung up on him for months. Hopefully it’s not going to be a thing like The Fairy March put on her. We heard about him for a straight school year. One day she’s going to have to face the fact that Chester, Vermont (where he lives) is quite a few miles away from Ann Arbor, Michigan. Even if he still lived in Marlborough, Massachusetts, it wouldn’t be any better. She broke up with Zach just because she didn’t want a long-distance relationship. This is the SAME THING. Speaking of him, I had a dream about him last night. It defiantly came from the Amy/Alex thing, I think. I dreamed I woke up in my own bed and Zach was right there. I was a little horrified, I think. I don’t think we had sex, but we were living in the same house for some reason. I was following him around and he had a little sister that was bugging him. It was Uncle Doug’s house, actually. It was really scary, because in the dream, I was really in love with him. I woke up and was thinking, “What?” I really don’t dare tell Amy that one. I saw some pictures of Zach today. I think he looks a little like Keanu Reeves. I really can’t wait to get back to school. Everyone says sophomore year is a breeze. I hope it is. I can’t afford bad grades this year. I’m scared to screw up. I want to do good and go to college. I’m scared to look bad in front of Michael. I think I get more pressure from my older brother than from my parents, strangely enough. I can’t wait for Interlochen. I still can’t believe it’s marching season again. Tempus fuget, as we say in Latin class. Well, it’s only five more weeks until summer’s over. About thirty-five more days? Maybe? Something like that? Even less until Interlochen rolls around. That’s only in three weeks. Yay. I just have to find a way to make everyone NOT find out about how I went to Keith Hafner’s Karate for four and a half years. Time = 8:02 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye. July 26, 2006 It’s been kind of a boring day. I had to fake sick to get out of my swim lesson. I have my period and I don’t like tampons, although I know it’s inevitable that I’ll have to use one at some point in my life. It really sucked, because we had tacos for dinner. I love tacos. I’ll probably just have some tomorrow. I’m still worried about Amy and Alex. This is my best friend we’re talking about, here. She likes him a lot, but a long-distance relationship isn’t going to work. Maybe I should just believe in the words of Allister.... ‘Cause I know Life is like a racecar speeding down this one-way street that’ll go Anyway It feels like heaven down this one-way street ‘Cause I know That everything will be fine Racecars is one of my all-time favorite songs. I found it on an old CD of Michael’s that a friend gave him. That’s partly how I got my start on New Found Glory and added a bunch of good songs to my iTunes. Racecars talks about how you should look past your problems because they’ll usually work themselves out without you worrying about them in the meantime. Life’s too short, so look for the good stuff. I forgot to add this awhile ago. While I was looking for Mario, the original Game Boy version (because when we go out to New Hampshire, it’s a long-standing tradition that Molly and I play Mario), I was going through my closet. I found pages where I had documented an old fight of Amy’s and the Walrus’s. It happened on St. Patrick’s Day. I had totally forgotten what had started that fight. What had happened was Kevin had made some joke about people from the Middle East, where Amy’s family is from, and she was offended and they got into a huge fight over it. The Walrus was a tad stuck in the middle and he knew that Kevin was never going to apologize, so he told Amy to stop being stupid and make the first move. She took that as him calling her stupid and that started off the whole stupid thing. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. He tried to apologize, but she dissed him. He got pretty mad. Fuzz and I eventually got them to make up, but it took a long time. I think the only thing that made Amy at least make an effort was when I told her how I was about him. She called me nuts, but they’re doing better now. I couldn’t be happier. Fuzz, too. I’m actually wearing my hair down. I’m infamous for having it in a ponytail all the time. I realized today when I went into the bathroom that I like this look. Never mind that Michael calls me Jeff Foxworthy and Chewbacca and every other horrible name that a guy can call his little sister when she has her hair down. It’s sort of a long-standing showdown between Amy and me about my hair. I might consider leaving it down for one reason. Amy, when she was at NEMC, happened to show Alex one of the worst pictures of me that’s ever been taken. He apparently laughed at me and made fun of me a little, so I have to get a better picture of me to him. The picture she showed him was when I looked a hell of a lot different, back in January. Oh, no. I just realized, that’s the only picture of me that Zach’s ever seen, too! Damn. They both think I’m some kind of ugly chick. This is not good. I have to get ahold of Dad’s digital camera and get a better picture in circulation. I swear those guys are going to be the death of me. I really don’t know what to do now, but I bet I’ll probably find something to do. I usually do. Time = 11:01 P.M. EDST. I’m off. July 29, 2006 I guess it’s been a couple of days. Oh well. Nothing much has been going on. I went to Anne of St. Francis’s house last night. She helped me beat the Wind Temple, which I had been struggling with. I actually bought Wind Waker, since she wanted her copy back and we’ve been doing a game switch for about four months now. I remember that I was on Dragon Roost Cavern on the day Mrs. Goebbel called Mom to tell her I had skipped her class six times in two weeks. Amy’s going to Paris on Monday. It might be good for us. It’ll give me some time to talk to Alex without accusations. We were talking about how we have songs for people, songs that remind us of them. I have quite a few. The only bad part is that I made the mistake of telling Amy that I had songs for both Zach and Alex. Which is true. I didn’t tell them what they are. That was probably for the best. I’ll never, ever tell her that Alex’s song is “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5. She would probably freak out on me because it’s a love song. Zach’s is even worse. It’s about suicide. “Adam’s Song”, Blink-182. It was one of my favorite songs when I first met him. Also, in some warped thinking, I told her that I actually think Zach’s cuter than Alex, just so she feels like I’m not after her boyfriend. So, yeah, I have screwed up over the past few days. I do need to find out Alex’s take on this relationship, though. He has internet problems but maybe he’ll get past them in the next week. I got contacts. I couldn’t believe how different I look with them. I don’t look like I do now in the morning or after I take a shower. Maybe it’s the hair. Probably is. They’re so much nicer than glasses, though. I hardly feel them. And I can actually get them in this time! When I had them in eighth grade, I couldn’t get them in at all. Dad had to put them in for me. I got really frustrated and gave up. This time, I can put them in myself. Yay me. It’s funny, though. I keep trying to push up my glasses or finger the earpiece. That’s how ingrained my glasses were. Well, it’s understandable. I have had them since second grade. Mrs. Ferguson’s second grade class thought me getting glasses was about the coolest thing since Pokemon. I was one of the first at Allen to get any kind of glasses. I love contacts. Too bad I didn’t have the discipline to master them in eighth grade. I’m doing really good on my story. Fourth Ring, the gangsters, have already taken Jess, a.k.a Zach (I know, I know... but it was only fair. If Alex gets a character named after him, then so does Zach. I can just imagine the look on Amy’s face right now). Matthias suspects that they’re after Jess after hearing their dad’s story about how their mother’s father and brother head Fourth Ring, because Alexander was kidnapped to replace her brother’s son Colin, who was supposed to become Fourth Ring’s next leader. Right now, Jess’s uncle is questioning her. He tells her she has something that they want. Right now, I’m not quite sure what that is. But I think they made a mistake and Louis has it, not Jess. Whatever “it” is. Okay, I’m done. Time = 5:15 P.M. EDST. Peace. July 30, 2006 Listening to “Lover Lay Down” by Dave Matthews Band. That’s Ted’s song. I’m guessing it always will be. Reminds me of the time when I used to skip and hang out with him. Amy did get a kick out of that, though. She had no idea I liked him back then. Apparently Alex is past his internet problems. He was on earlier, but I guess I missed him. Amy really misses him. He might be planning a visit to Ann Arbor sometime. I wonder if Amy will let me meet him. I’ll just have to promise to be completely civilized. I’m seriously not attracted to the guy. I just don’t think this will work long-term. Amy’s going to Paris tomorrow. She gave me quite an interesting task to do while she’s gone. I’ve got to kick Paul to the curb for her. She can’t get ahold of him. I had to help her soften it a little, because what she said was kind of harsh. He didn’t ever call or write, and she wanted me to tell him that. I flatly refused. He’s my friend, even if she doesn’t want to go out with him anymore. So I’m doing that tomorrow. Oh boy. This is going to be a huge thrill. Nothing much went on today. I talked to Zach for awhile. He sounds okay. A little distant, but still okay. He did tell me to get that group photo destroyed as quickly as possible. The one of me at Amy’s birthday party. I looked terrible. I look completely different now. Alex (who just got on) told me that he mistook me for an anorexic male. It’s good he’s back. I will reluctantly admit that I missed him. My story is getting really good. Jess just got thrown back in the cell with Louis. Matthias is on his way to Pagestaff to try and hunt down Fourth Ring. Alexander is actually going to let Jess and Louis go, because he disagrees with their uncle’s decision to keep them as prisoners. Jess is going to escape and Matthias is going to be captured. The Brecksons have a talent for landing themselves in deep shit. The Tresters (I actually had to go through the phone book to find that one), who are the other side of the family, are just insane. Their uncle Alex is a vicious guy. Their brother Alex is this gentle, nervous guy because their uncle dominates him and is really tough on him. I’m going to go and talk to Alex (the real guy) for awhile. Maybe he’ll give me story ideas. Haha. Time = 11:05 P.M. EDST. Vale. July 31, 2006 Well, we’re on the edge of a new month. I can’t believe it’s almost August. We go to Interlochen in a few weeks. It’ll be fun. Everyone says sophomore year is the best, because you’re not quite at the point where you need to be worried about college, but you know everyone. I’m listening to Zach’s song. “Adam’s Song”, Blink-182. It also reminds me of about September, when I was going to Shrink Bob. I used to listen to that Blink-182 CD while I was waiting. And I guess I’ll never forget that it was that song that was stuck in my head the night that Gary and Lili hooked up. I might forget someday. Maybe. I think I’m going to start looking online for Geometry stuff. I got to learn. I want to be ahead, because it’s the only way I’m going to survive. I wish I was good at math. Or Asian, or something. There’s got to be something online. You can find anything online. Well, there was one thing I couldn’t find. I had been looking for an old Hyundai commercial online, but it didn’t work out. It had a really good song, and I wanted to hear it again. I tried to break up with Paul, but he wasn’t there. Too bad. Now I have to haul my ass all the way up the street for Breaking Up With Paul: Take 2. As I knew he would, Michael suspected I was up to something. He got it out of me. He said it made me look like Amy’s bitch. Maybe it does, but I know better than he does that Amy definitely doesn’t use me. She’s not that type. I’ve been looking for a CD today, an old one of Michael’s. It has all this Bon Jovi stuff on it that I want. Actually one song in particular, “The Last Cigarette”. Michael and I got into a huge thing about whether or not it sounds like a Green Day song, which it definitely does. It has the same three notes, but Michael can never admit when he’s wrong. It was actually really good to have Alex back last night. He taught me all about World of Warcraft. It sounds interesting, and I know he probably can’t talk about that with Amy, because she has a vendetta against video games. I got his number for her, however. I just can’t use it. When I told her I was going to get it, I told her about a time where I told Gary to call me and it came out completely wrong. She said something to the affect of “flirty girl”. I came back with, “Well, if I’m going to get Alex’s number I’m not going to go up to him and say ‘Hey, boy, lemme get them digits!’ My old pal Lucy taught me that one. So, yeah, we had a good conversation. He sounds okay. Maybe it was just me, but he didn’t sound any more thrilled than he was because he hooked up with Amy. Or maybe he just didn’t want to discuss it with her best friend. That was probably it. Zach probably told him that we know everything about each other and that girls talk. Which we do. I actually got my right contact in on first try today! The left one took a few more minutes, but I got them in position in under five minutes. I really think this might work out long-term. Hey, Mom and Dad both wear contacts, so I guess I can do it too. I’m way more coordinated than Mom. I know this is bad, but I’ve changed my AIM font to red (from blue) until Alex and Amy break up. That’s probably in poor taste, but it’ll be interesting to see how long it does last. I’m not so worried anymore, but I just hope no one gets hurt. Lenell is of the opinion that it’s all downhill from here. Haha, like the song. Catalyst You insist to pull me down You contradict the fact That you still want me around And it’s all downhill from here And it’s all downhill from here That song has no significance here. It’s just an awesome song. I first heard it in 7th grade, along with “Slide” by the Goo Goo Dolls, and “Feeling’ This” by Blink-182. Zach recommended a few books to me. I went and checked one out at the library. Michael told me that I didn’t go to the library, and that I went to Paul’s to break up he and Amy. He’s wrong. Unfortunately, I had to lie to the family and say I got a different book, because the one I got is big into racism and all that and it’s pretty advanced. Oh well. If Zach can do it, so can I. For the moment, I’ll try to forget that he’s a genius. I actually think he’s more of a mathematical whiz than an actual all-around genius. He told me back in February that he had done calculus in eighth grade. He’s actually not even doing math anymore because he’s too good and there’s nothing left for him to do. I feel kind of bad for him, because he likes math and if he lived here, he could do something with the university. I think Zach is my exact opposite. He’s good at math, I suck at it. He’s liberal, I’m conservative. He’s a guy, I’m a girl. I could go on forever here. I don’t think Amy meant for us to get along. She predicted that I would hate him. Funny. Life is good. A good day. Hey, Alex is on! Great. Time = 8:20 P.M. EDST. See ya. August 1, 2006 It’s only two more weeks until we go to Interlochen! I’m sooo glad. I’ve never been this bored out of my skull. I’m still finding it hard to believe I’m a sophomore. I’m used to being a freshman. They say no one likes freshmen, but in truth, no one likes sophomores either. I guess it comes with the pleasure of being a lowerclassman. Hopefully I won’t make such a fool of myself this year. I had a few major screw ups last year. For example, I couldn’t find a seat on the bus and I completely misnavigated on my way to sectionals. Middle of August, Interlochen, after lunch. I am lost. I know that. I’m walking down a dirt road where other people are, but the trumpets are nowhere in sight. I just HAD to follow the saxes and get completely lost. Me: (to a random dude) “Hey, do you know where the trumpets are?” Random Guy: “No, sorry.” Me: (thinking) “Crap....” I hear the sound of a golf cart driving up. It pulls up next to me. It’s Mr. Roberts, of course, here to make me feel even more like an idiot. I try not to cringe at his feel-sorry-for-the-poor-little-lost-freshie smile. Mr. Roberts: “You’re not where you’re supposed to be.” Me: “I know.” Mr. Roberts: (gesticulating at his golf cart) “Hop on.” Oh great. This is just great. I can only imagine how this looks to everyone else. Mr. Roberts shoots off in the opposite direction. I nearly fall off the golf cart and grab on. We don’t talk much. He stops to look at maps a few times. My metronome (which has a mind of its own) goes off several times. We finally get to where I’m supposed to be. Me: (jumping off) “Thanks for the ride.” Mr. Roberts: (nodding) “Sure.” I go in to the little hut that the third trumpets are in. Everyone looks at me. I wince inwardly. I glance around to see who’s there. That Caleb kid I met at rehearsal, that Zach (just a note- another Zach) kid in my squad, a black kid I remember being in Summer Band with, and a dark-haired guy I didn’t know. Me: (grinning painfully) “Sorry. I got a little misdirected.” Section Leader/Teacher Type Person: “That’s okay. Find a seat.” Hopefully I won’t do that again. That was by far my most embarrassing Interlochen moment. That was a pretty nice section, though. No girls, but they were okay. That was also the first place I met Luis. We did not get on at first. I hated him until marching season. I thought he was an arrogant son of a bitch. Which he is. But he grows on you. I’m using hairspray to hold back my hair. I think I need something a little stronger. My hair’s pretty think, so I would need something heavy-duty. I’m using whatever it is that Mom has, and my hair’s a lot thicker than hers. But I think this is how I was meant to look, if I hadn’t gotten all the bad genes for vision. I think I’m in the middle for the genes we got. Michael got everything good. Perfect vision, athleticism, thin yet muscular, math skills, decent good looks, and talent with people plus ambition. David got everything bad. Aspburger’s Syndrome, terrible vision, absolutely no math ability, extra bone in his foot, skinny with no muscle tone whatsoever, couch potato, no focus, no people skills. I got bad vision, bad body type for a girl in this day and age, weight problems, no math skills, and strange eyebrows. But I also got good hair, decent people skills, equal dexterity on both sides, musical talent, and I’m dead strong. I wish it was the 15th, that way I could be on the bus going to Interlochen. Well, actually, if it was the 15th, we would be there by now. Let’s see.... what did we do first? Oh, yeah, we marched. And we went to rehearsal. It’ll be interesting to meet all the new freshmen. Oh crap. I just realized. Anne of St. Francis might be in my cabin. I guess I have to rely on the odds and see that there’s not that great of a chance. I already warned her about broadcasting her karate history. She honestly didn’t know. I learned really quick in seventh grade. It was only Peter Court that saved me and said, “Come on guys, I’m sure it’s not a bad place.” People listened to Peter Court. I told her that people that go there are automatically considered second-class citizens. If they weren’t so damn over commercialized, maybe we could have stayed under the radar. It did get to the point where it just wasn’t a challenge anymore. That’s why Gary quit, and why a bunch of other people quit. Gary always said that we do nothing but play games in class. I’m forced to agree with him. Gary is really my oldest karate friend. We met in the beginner class, when I was ten and he was eleven, almost twelve. I was a yellow belt and he was a gold belt with four stripes (which doesn’t happen all that often-he should have been an orange belt). I remember I raised my eyebrows at his belt and he grinned back. We were friends after that. Rivals, but friends. He fell back sometime so we were equal rank. When we were purple belts, we became each other’s sparring partners. They had to pair me up with a guy, because I would demolish the girls. We would always go all out. Gary and I were infamous for losing all control when we would face off. We got sent out of class quite a bit. Mr. Rowton (the best karate teacher and at the time, my hero) loved us and thought we were great as partners. He thought we were funny. He knew I had a crush on Gary. I could tell. Actually, I really think everyone knew. I was a tad heartbroken when he left. Mr. Rowton had left a few months before that, too. So except for Cam, pretty much all my favorite people had left. Mr. Rowton is gradually losing his vision, so he couldn’t teach anymore. That’s our story. I quit about eight months later. I’m happy. I’m still in contact with ol’ Gary, though. Talking to him now, in fact. Good guy. Okay, time to go. Time = 8:28 P.M. EDST. Goodbye. August 2, 2006 I got up at almost three today. I couldn’t sleep last night. First I was hot, then I was cold. I was also thinking about Zach’s book, Invisible Man. It’s really profound. It’s not hard, but it’s really deep, so in a way it is hard. I can’t wait to tell Zach I checked it out. Not much is up today. They’re putting in a new window in the living room. It woke me up more than once in the morning. I was having the strangest dreams last night for some reason. I had one dream. I dreamed that I was at a carnival type thing. I wasn’t allowed to go alone, so Spencer Robinson went with me. He was wearing one of Michael’s Huron lacrosse shirts. He was my escort everywhere. We went into a store, where I met Saint Dane from Pendragon. He had assumed the form of a kid. We were talking and then I tried to beat him up. I kicked him in the nuts quite a bit and punched him in the face a lot. It didn’t seem to hurt him. The lady who was in the store gave me a crown and told me that all the medium costing stuff in the store was free. I guess because of my bravery. She pulled me into the back room and asked me to clean up and define two words before I left. I finally decided not to because I didn’t think I would ever be back there. I realized with panic that I didn’t know where Spencer was. I went outside to look for him and said goodbye to Saint Dane on the way out. I saw Spencer waving at me from a long way away. Then I got talking to this one girl and I lost him again. The carnival had cleared out completely. It seemed like good sense to climb a nearby tower thing to find him again. While I was climbing I heard a song. It was a mix of this Eagles song and “Never Tire Of The Road”, which Dad used to play when I was younger. When I got to the top, it was completely overgrown with this nice, green grass. I waved at Erin Reed (one of my old friends from Tappan) and then saw him so I climbed back down and joined him. Then I woke up. I know, bizarre. Too bad Amy’s not here. She would probably think that was really funny. It’s up there with the dream about the Walrus having my baby while Amy and I were playing soccer. I think my subconscious is a tad strange. The dream dictionaries are giving me conflicting messages. The crown means I’m going to do well in life, but being lost means I’m conflicted. Oh well. Time = 4:21 P.M. EDST. August 3, 2006 I finished an awesome book, Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment by James Patterson. It’s really cool. Easy reading, too. It’s about this girl who’s this mutant bird-human mix. Her name is Max, and she has a flock of kids who live with her and they try to say safe and survive. Their names are Nudge, Iggy, Fang, the Gasman, and Angel. Fang is my personal favorite. He’s a bit like Louis, even though Louis was halfway my creation. Mom said something last night that really freaked me out. She says she knows more about my life than I think she does. Maybe she was bluffing, but I think she does know some stuff. Like, she knew that Cam had a girlfriend, and she described her perfectly. I wonder if she’s reading this... if you are, Mom, I will tell you to mind your own business. This is my thing, not yours to read. And it was Bob’s idea, not mine. Take it up with Bob. Crap, if she is, that means she knows about all sorts of stuff. Like the fact that I’m still in contact with both Zach and Alex, who I’ve never met. She knows about the Walrus. She knows about the note, and pretty much all the stuff that’s been going on lately. Stuff about Michael. Oh, wait, I’ve never put his shenanigans in this. But if she knew some of the stuff about him that I know... well, someone would die. Maybe I should start being more vague. You know, I don’t think she is reading this. There’s too much stuff in this. She would confront me about it. Today has been kind of boring. I’m tired. I stayed up until four or so. This cannot be healthy. I did get a bunch of good songs off of a Michael CD, though. “Right Now” by Van Halen, “Boom” by P.O.D., and “Come Sail Away” by Styx. I love “Boom”. It’s really catchy. It’s good for blasting. What I really want to do is burn a playlist I made. It has all of The Planets plus the Scythian Suite, which Alex recommended and I really like. I would need a blank CD though, of which we have none. It’s nice to find a good song and actually know the name of it. There was a CD that Michael had at one point that had a bunch of good songs on it, but I didn’t know the names of the songs and Michael sure as hell didn’t know it. I discovered the method of Googling songs, or typing in a line of a song and getting the song name. The first song I did that for was “Best of Me” by the Starting Line. Tell me what you thought about when you were gone And so alone The worst is over You can have the best of me We got older but we’re still young We never grew out of this feeling that we won’t Give up That’s the beginning. I typed in the first line of the song and got the name. You know, I really think I had heard “Best of Me” somewhere else before, because I remember the line, “Tell me what you thought about when you were gone”. When Michael first played it in the car, I thought I recognized it. Same with this song, “Fields of Gold”. When I heard it, it really sounded familiar. Or it reminded me of something or someone. Actually, there are probably a million songs that were in my brain long before I got iTunes. Like “Never Let You Go”. I realized recently, that song’s been in my brain since I was about seven. Strange stuff. Tonight I’m going to bum some money off of Mom or something to get the next Maximum Ride book. It came out I think the same day that The Quillan Games did. I kind of want to see how Fang ends up. I’ve decided I usually tend to like the secondary male characters. Spader was the best in Pendragon, Sirius was my favorite in Harry Potter, George was my favorite in The Song of the Lioness, Neal was my favorite in Protector of the Small (even though George shows up there, too), and Rhys was my favorite in Two Sisters of Bamarre. Now Fang. Spader is my all-time favorite character, though. Sucks he’s still on Eelong. As my current away message says, I’m out like Fat Joe at Jenny Craig. Time = 7:03 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye. August 4, 2006 Less than two weeks until we go to Interlochen. It’s about eleven days. Should be fun. It’ll be nice to get away from my family for awhile. I like being independent. Strangely enough, I don’t think I could live on my own for long, but I don’t mind being on my own for a week. Almost makes me wish I went to boarding school or something. Like Harry Potter! Man, this day has been crappy. I’m on edge for some reason. Everything is annoying. I completely freaked out on Michael and David because they always make me feel dumb. We were going home from the bank. I like to come along for the ride. I was sitting in the front seat, being angry and hurt, and then Michael played “Some Hearts” by Carrie Underwood. It made me a whole lot happier. I also realized that we’ve found Zach’s new song. Crap. I feel like the most disloyal best friend ever. Why is it that sometimes I’m only happiest when I’m talking to Alex? Is he really that much of a release for me? Maybe it’s just because he’s such a lighthearted guy. He’s a cheerful type, and he makes me feel better. He keeps telling me to call him. I want to, but I don’t know how Amy would take it. After all, he is her boyfriend. You know, I know this is completely paranoid, but I’ve been thinking something. Maybe Amy was showing that terrible picture of me around on purpose. It would sort of make sense. She knows as well as I do that I look so much different now. I think she may have wanted to put Alex off of me. Same with Zach. I know how to handle guys better than she does. She says I have a better personality. It’s not true. I just grew up with two guys, so I know how they work. I think she was jealous and wanted them to think she was hotter. Wow, watch that be true. It would make more sense with Alex, because she always subconsciously liked him. Whatever. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Speaking of Zach, he’s been on for about ten minutes. I’m seeing if he’s going to IM me first. Not likely. There was a time about six months ago that he would have IMed me immediately after I got on. I wonder when that stopped. I loved him when I first met him. Thought he was one of the greatest guys I had ever met. It’s true. He is. Michael thinks he’s a loser, but whatever. That’s a story for another time. I had to turn down Gary to come to his birthday party. Me and his friends don’t mix. I couldn’t have come unless I had backup. I would have been one of the only normal ones there. They all go to Community. Enough said. It’s a high school for weirdoes. Never mind that I applied there at one time. It was only for the sake of staying with Cam. I didn’t want to be separated from him. Turns out I became separated from him anyway. Funny how that works. According to what I told him, I’m at camp. I didn’t want to say “Interlochen” just in case he knows someone in the music system that could tell him it’s not for another week and a half. I think I need some hairspray. My bangs are pissing me off. Maybe I’ll go for the wethead look. Nothing else works. My hair’s too thick. I had the funniest chat room in the world today with Zach and Alex. I told Zach that I had checked out Invisible Man. I hope he was glad I took his suggestion. Alex and Zach are hilarious together. I got to hear all about what they’re doing. They discussed their range for awhile. Zach finished Drivers Ed. I had to write, “Warn the pedestrians!!!” It was just too tempting. He’s got some funny stories, like one where he freaked out his mom because he pulled into a parking spot too fast. I went away for awhile and then I came back and asked, “What did I miss?” Zach said something to the effect of, “Alex had a hissy fit but it’s all under control.” Alex came back with, “We declared our undying love for you.” Only he made a typo and wrote “you” as “toy”. Zach and I lost all control at that. I also lost control when Zach said, “Assume a gangsta pose.” He’s completely white. He’s from Vermont. I’ve never laughed so hard at a chat room. Those two make me really happy. They’re just goofy fifteen-year-old boys, no matter how much they pretend that they’re more. Especially Zach. He’s really just a kid, even though he acts like a fifty-year-old. I hope they get back on. Time = 7:14 P.M. EDST. Goodbye. August 5, 2006 I’m listening to Jupiter and hoping someone will get online. I really like The Planets, no matter how much Alex says that it’s overrated. It’s funny, I put The Planets on the same CD as the Scythian Suite, which he says is underrated. Does it balance out if you have the underrated and the overrated on the same CD? Haha, I’m so clever. That is a damn good CD, though. I might bequeath it to Mom, who’s also a fan of the classical music. Amy is home soon. I forget the exact day. According to my iPod, it’s about 11:30 at night there. She’s probably asleep. I hope she floats the idea of Alex coming to visit soon. I kind of want to meet him. He did say that his new private school is expensive, so he probably wouldn’t be able to afford it. I also want to meet Zach at some point. Oh, they have a new song. “Boom”, P.O.D. It came from Zach trying to be ghetto yesterday. There’s a line, “Ready or not, here comes the boys from the south”. They’re sort of the boys from the east. Okay, it’s a loose connection, but it makes me think of them. Michael and I had a long conversation last night. I told him all about my academic underachievement, and why it was. The sad thing is, I look at it like a competition. I don’t want to work if Michael’s doing good, because he’s always going to do better than me at everything and I’ll always end up looking worse. I just don’t see the point. He’s better than me at everything. He was surprisingly sympathetic. I don’t know how he does it, but he always makes me want to work harder. He told me to just stop the comparison. He said that in two years I can compare where he is now to where I am at that point. Maybe I can actually do kind of good this year. Hopefully sophomore year is as easy as Michael made it out to be. He offered help on Geometry. He’s good at that kind of thing, though I might be able to enlist Zach’s help. He’s a math genius. I’ll take the advice of anyone who did Calculus in the eighth grade. I read some more of Invisible Man last night. Then I got the news that Mom read it at EMU. Now I’ve got both parents wondering why I’m suddenly picking up college-level literature. I had to lie and I said that we discussed it in Latin one day. I’m not about to go up to her and be like, “Yeah, Mom, a kid by the name of Zach Guiles recommended it to me. How did I meet him? Yeah....” I don’t really feel like informing her that I’m doing the one thing she always told me not to do online, which is talk to people I don’t know. I do think that they’re wondering how I suddenly know so much about the driving laws in Vermont, plus the boarding school schedule for Michigan. Interlochen in particular. One day I slipped up and said, “Yeah, Interlochen doesn’t start until the middle of September.” Michael shot me a look. He knows. He knows everything. About me, that is. He even knows about Alex. Better him than David. David would tell on me in an instant. He tries too hard to keep favor with the parents. Beyond all that, there’s really nothing much going on today. This has stretched to seventy-two pages. Wow. I don’t think I should ever print this out. I don’t even think we have seventy-two pages of paper in our whole house. And I bet it’s going to get a whole lot bigger, what with school starting soon and all that. If sophomore year is half as over dramatized as freshman year was, we’re in for at least another seventy-two pages. Time = 5:57 P.M. EDST. Peace out. August 6, 2006 Today kind of sucked. Dad and I were at it for most of the day. It started out when I was on the computer listening to an interview with one of my favorite authors, D.J. MacHale. He kept telling me to get off. Once I did, get off, all he could talk about was how sedentary I was and how I should exercise more. I was trying to stay calm, but that seemed to piss him off some more. He said something to the affect of, “It’s time to move your fat ass and get some exercise.” I’m sure you can imagine how I felt at that. The last person to tell me that I had a fat ass was Darnell Forte in fifth grade. I took a lot of abuse in elementary school for being fat. It all kind of came screaming back. Tears came to my eyes and I went to the library. I didn’t plan on coming back for a long time. A few tears came out when I was getting my stuff for the library. I dried them and reminded myself that I’m too strong to cry. I think too proud is more like it. Whatever. I was almost afraid to walk down the street to the library. People know me. I was afraid people would want to talk. Fortunately, no one was out. To make sure I wouldn’t cry in public, I inwardly sang one song. I catalogue these steps now Decisive and intentioned Precise and patterned specifically to yours The beginning of “Bend and Not Break” almost always makes me feel a lot better. I don’t even know why. Good guitar work maybe? Michael is officially a Dashboard Confessional hater, though. I’ve been playing a lot of them lately. I hung out at the library for about a half hour. Drank a Pepsi, quite self-conscious of my fat ass. Whatever. I turned at the crosswalk, even though I had meant to go home. I ended up walking along the road into Buhr Park. I wondered if David would see me, since the pool is right there. I wandered up the grassy hills towards Allen School, my old elementary school. The playground equipment was different when I went there. I was listening to my iPod. I finally sat on a swing and thought. I don’t know how long I sat on that swing. Long time. I listlessly stared out onto the field, remembering my years at Allen. “Soul to Squeeze” came on in my iPod. It’s the song that made me feel better when Ben tried to kill himself. You could say it’s my “Things could be worse” song. I only got off the damn swing when crazy Edwina came by and I didn’t want to talk to her. When I made it home awhile later, Dad was on me in a second. He told me to clean my room, like he tends to do. He came in and gave me a speech. I told him I didn’t care, and that it didn’t affect him. My own apathy scared me. I think I was just trying to piss him off. I don’t take orders from anyone who calls me a fat ass. He apologized later, but I can assure you that I’m not going to forget that in a hurry. And he apologized after he threatened to call Roberts and get me kicked off the Interlochen trip. I knew I would be out of Concert Band if I did that, so it was necessary to clean my room. No one was on today, to make things worse. I was sort of hoping that Zach or Alex would get on. They might make me feel better. I once tried to help Zach one day last February when he wasn’t doing so hot. He was going through what he called a “stall”. I talked him through it, and he thanked me for talking with him. Zach’s a good guy. I should probably go. Time = 7:35 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye.

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