• May 17, 2006 Ok, I have officially moved this to the computer. My parents have a history of going through my room, so I think it’s a little dangerous to keep doing it in a book. I plan to keep it with my AIM logs, which i don’t think anyone can get into but me. And I type faster than I write. I am listening to Jupiter, from Gustaf Holst’s The Planets. It’s really quite interesting. I was actually looking for a better recording of the Second Suite in F but I found this. Which is good, of course. Pretty uneventful day at school. We had a depressing assembly about drunk driving in the football stadium. It’s been canceled twice due to weather issues. Mr. Vogel says that’s God’s way of telling us that the assembly doesn’t matter. Mr. Vogel hates anything that “eats up instructional time”. The man is old school all the way. He is a good teacher, though, and very fair. One of my favorite teachers of all time. In band, Caleb and Ashley made me laugh again. We were making fun of the tubas (again). Well, you can hardly blame us. They suck. And Caleb did a hilarious impression of MacArthur, which sent us over the edge. Interestingly enough, Mr. Roberts didn’t seem to care. Believe it or not, I may have passed my math quiz today. I get everything we’re doing right about now. Amazing what doing all your math homework in Law class with your friends can do. Me and Sarah usually have to help Chris, though. He’s not quite as mathematically challenged as me, but close. At lunch, Amy and Fuzz called me out on my whole not-eating-lunch thing. I can’t believe that they didn’t notice before now. But then i made Amy feel fat because she should apparently eat less than me because of her size. I told her that was crap. I’m really just not hungry! I’m not an anorexic! I ate M&M’s in front of them, just to show them. And it hurt, too. They newly added crap to my braces, so my teeth are throbbing like hell. I am getting them off on Tuesday though! I wonder what it’ll be like not to have these stupid metal things on my teeth anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I’m as bad as Amy with body image issues. I wish I had a different stature sometimes, because my shoulders are just too damn wide to fit into anything dainty. I really am worried about Amy though. She has a terrible self-esteem. I think Melanie was right, that we have to raise Amy’s self-esteem before she can understand why the guys all stare at her. Which is why she originally hated the Walrus. Come to think of it, I’m kinda worried about him, too. He doesn’t have the greatest self-esteem himself. He’s seeking shelter in the same thing that Melanie is. And Melanie is highly depressed. I heard today that while she was seeking shelter, she and the guy were cutting each other at the same time. Ugh. I am just not into pain. I freak out over needles. I’m about halfway through The Quillan Games. It’s quite interesting, even if it is depressing. The 8th Pendragon will be called Pendragon the Great. Maybe D.J. MacHale will be nice enough to bring back Spader and Gunny during that one. Yup, you guessed it..... they’re still trapped on Eelong. Bobby is strangely unassisted in this one. The Traveler from Quillan doesn’t really do much. And the author killed off the Traveler from a territory called Ibara like in the first chapter. His name was Remudi. Ok I think it’s time to go puzzle out my Biology homework so I can raise my C in that class. Time= 8:22 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye May 18, 2006 I never did get to the Bio homework. Oh well. She didn’t check it. Instead, we did this lab that has a lot to do with math (which I’m terrible at). I do get what we’re doing right now though. Has something to do with solving for X with fractions that have variables. Well, the point is I can do it. Strangely enough, Amy can’t. She’s actually good at math. Today I had to explain to her how to get common denominators. It was like a parallel universe or something, me explaining math that I actually get to someone else. I’m reading a great book (besides The Quillan Games). It’s called Hawksong. The plot is interesting. Has to do with this girl who is part of this race that can become birds and how they have to make peace with the race that become serpents. I’m about halfway through it. Amy and Fuzz gave me some startling news today. I have less than a week to make a move on the Walrus. Some chick who is a junior (who I know of.... more about that in a second) is very attracted to him. She planned to ask him out after prom, which is this Saturday. They both think I should go for it. We compromised on an anonymous note, which I’m still trying to figure out whether I want to send or not. Okay, so about that chick.... I know of her well. She’s in Michael’s Psychology class. She talks ALL the time about remodeling her kitchen. And she is quite random. But she is an Asian chick, and I think he may have a thing for them. More or less. Maybe I will try to stop it, but I don’t have a history of being that forward. I may have to walk down the the library to think about this a little. Lucky for me Mom isn’t home and Dad usually asks no questions about me walking down to the library. Not that I do anything. I like the walk. It gives me time to think about stuff, like ideas for stories that I have. I got a great one yesterday. There are these people who act as guardian angels (who are second to the Arkies, or the actual guardian angels). I have to give them a cool name, like the Guardians of _______ (enter something....) Sadly enough I am searching the names at the back of the dictionary, looking for something cool. I’m gonna go down there now. Time=5:54 P.M. EDST. See ya. May 19, 2006 Oh, man, what have I done? I let Amy talk me into writing that anonymous note. Fuzz was supposed to give it to him after 7th hour, which means he already knows that some chick who knows Fuzz likes him. I hope he doesn’t ever figure out that it was me. I don’t think he’s gonna suspect me, because I made Amy type it for me, and she typed it all in cursive font and in pink. She changed some stuff, because it ended up sounding like a chip commercial. Well, I trust her, even if she does suck at grammar. When me and Fuzz looked over the note, we found periods in odd places, like after his name and in the middle of sentences. So before 4th hour, when she found us near the 5200 hallway, my greeting was, “Hi! You suck at grammar!” Lucky for me she didn’t offense. She did think we ditched her at lunch though. She was late, so Fuzz and I thought maybe that she was rehearsing with Paul or something (of course, the play was last week but that didn’t really occur to us). So, we were tracking her all around the school, but we just missed each other a few times. We asked the Walrus where she had gone at least three times. He did show us the direction she had gone, though. Once we had finally found her, we sat outside the band room for the remaining minutes, after assuring her that we had not purposely ditched her. Sitting there was a bit of a compromise. The Walrus was right down the hall. He hasn’t been eating with us. I hope he comes back. Mom’s gone until next Friday. She had a conference in Anaheim, CA. It might actually be a fun week, with just Dad in charge. He did say he was going food shopping soon. That means we’re going to have a lot of Oreos around the house for awhile. Dad tends to throw a lot of stuff into a cart, and forget stuff like milk and meat. Of course, I can’t eat much of anything right now. One of my bands on my molars came completely unglued last night. They didn’t think it was an emergency, so they’re making me wait until Monday after school. And the next day, I get them off. Done forever. No more appliance snapping crap. I’m glad. I do think that my friends are more excited than I am though. They’re telling everyone I’m getting them off. Zach gave me an interesting band arrangement today. It’s called Blue Shades, and the Interlochen band is playing it. He was talkative today. I don’t dare tell Michael that I still talk to him. Michael tells me I’m being a dumbass by talking to someone I don’t know, and usually I wouldn’t do it, but Amy knows him personally, so I’m sure he’s who he says he is. I trust that Amy wouldn’t go out with ax murderers. Here comes Dad. Time= 6:42 P.M. EDST. Valete, bitches. May 23, 2006 Lots of things happened today. First of all, I got these stupid braces off. Now I’m wearing a mouthguard-ish thingy that completely shuts off speech and sometimes breathing. I’m glad I don’t have to go through the braces-coming-off procedure ever again. It actually hurt when they were snapping off the brackets and then they had to use this thing to take off the glue. It vibrated. At least I was allowed to listen to my iPod. Never Let You Go is a good song to listen to while your in constant fear of your tongue being snapped off by the drill and while your whole head is vibrating. Now I just wear the mouthguard, which isn’t bad since I can take it off any time I feel like it. Second item that happened today: I may have told the Walrus. Ok, I did. It went better than I thought it would, even though I think I was a tad conversational about it. He couldn’t believe it, since we’re buddies and everything. He thought the note was me screwing with him, and not actually me. I had planned to tell him at lunch, but I couldn’t do it. I told Fuzz just to tell him for me, but he wanted to hear from the girl herself. I was sitting in the band room, hating myself for being such a coward, and then the whole class hears the familiar whistle-like sound of Huron High School’s fire alarm. I cheered. I admit it. The choir room (where he happened to be) is right down the hall from the band room. I was thinking: This is proof there is a God, because he gave me a second chance to tell him. We were out near the football field. Amy assured me that she would leave if he came by, so I could tell him. I did have to listen to Megan for awhile about her boyfriend (I dunno.... something about other girls that like him?) and then the bell rang for us to go back inside. He was walking behind me. When I said hello he wanted to know who gave him the note (because me, Amy and Fuzz told him we all know). I told him, “The chick is telling you in person right now.” He takes the prize as the most bewildered-looking person I’ve ever seen. Utter incomprehension. Then he squeezed out, “You?” I nodded. He took out the note we wrote as a group effort and raised it questioningly. Again I nodded. From me. After that he stopped looking so confused and went insanely happy, which I don’t exactly get. I’m the one that likes him, not the other way around. Whatever. He was ecstatic. He hugged me once we got back to the band room. I spent the rest of band discussing it with Amy, who (of course) was very proud of me. Amy was also perplexed at his reaction, but she retrieved that it was probably a good reaction. I agree. Now, all we have to do is initiate a total breakup, and it’s all good. I did tell Amy, “I’m not sure about how us going out would go down with my parents.” Which is perfectly true. I’m NOT sure how they would react if we went out. They don’t approve of guys like him. Michael calls him “trashy guy” (which is NOT true at all). I wish we were adults, and moved out and all that jazz. Only still hanging out and not all over Europe for college. Now all that remains to be seen is what happens to the Stoner School chick. Time= 5:24 P.M. EDST. Wish me luck. May 25, 2006 Interesting day today. I could have gotten my yearbook, but I was busy with the Walrus. Yesterday we determined that we’re just going to see where this goes before doing anything. I did have to ask one of the most awkward questions ever to the only guy I trust as a reference to my parents. Yup, you guessed it. Good ol’ Michael. It stopped short as the most awkward moment of my life, but it was still embarrassing. Whatever. He gave good advice. He said that Mom and Dad are going to want to meet him before we go out. Of course, the question happened to be, “Do you think Mom and Dad would flip if I went out with someone?” I honestly had no idea. They’ve always been overprotective. Speaking of overprotective, Michael flipped out himself when he found out who I would be going out with. I think his exact words were, “Uh-uh. No way are you going out with that guy.” I begged to differ with him. He wasn’t pleased. Of course. He was never protective when I did need him and now that I don’t need him he gets all protective. Needless to say, he’s not the only one that thinks I’m out of my mind. Sarah read me an impressive lecture on all the reasons I should NOT go out with him. Amy has given up. She thinks I’m nuts. Fuzz is the only one who approves. Fuzz is a good guy. And yet....it’s the strangest thing. I can’t bring myself to do anything with him. Except hug him. Maybe it’s because we were friends before, but I think it’s actually for another reason. I’m not used to going public with stuff like this. Liking anyone was pretty much a mark of shame at Tappan, especially for me, since me and Cam were rock-bottom of the middle school food chain. I guess I’m just not used to it. I wouldn’t mind doing more with him, but he’s very non-confrontational and easygoing. He’s not going to spring anything on me. I almost wish he would. I’m not confrontational enough to initiate anything. Hm.... maybe I actually am shy. Well, I guess with stuff like this I am. I think I’ll think something up tomorrow to get more than hugs here. It’ll probably end up as one of my half-baked schemes, as Amy would say. He wants more, I know he does. Maybe being direct is the only way to get through. Maybe I’ll try that tomorrow, though I don’t want to seem desperate or anything. Damn... this is so hard. Someone should have warned me. I really like him, but I can’t make anything happen. I feel like we’re going in a bunch of little friggin’ circles here. Something tells me he feels the same way. My mother always told me I can get anything done if I put my mind to it. I don’t actually know if it’s applicable in this situation, but maybe it is. Fact is, I want more, and now that I’ve had something of a taste of what him and me could be like, I know I want it. Though I do think that it’s better all out in the open. I think the Walrus always kind of knew it was me. He guessed that the note-sender was me a few times. We had to tell him no, just to keep up appearances. He was going crazy for a few days there, though. I remember one of his more desperate-to-know days. Lunch. The four of us were walking down the 4200 hallway like the nomads that we are. I led the way, in a way. I walked in front, while the others walked behind me not very far. Poor guy was going crazy on Amy and Fuzz. Finally he came up to me. He slung a friendly arm around my shoulders and gave me his most charming grin. “So, Claire, what do I have to do to get you to tell me?” I blushed and looked away. Damn him. He knew I was a sucker for that smile. I searched for the most unromantic bribe. “Let’s talk money.” He gave me one his calculating looks. He actually did have money, but I mysteriously doubled my rates at that moment. Fuzz and Amy finally suckered me into telling him because he thought there was no person and we were just messing with him, and we couldn’t have that. I couldn’t. Which brings me back to my current point. Tomorrow I am formulating a plan to get more. Perhaps Amy will help. Or perhaps not. Man, I am never going to live this down. Oh well. :). Time= 9:27 P.M. EDST. Peace. May 26, 2006 A calm day today. I found out that next year is going to be all one lunch that’s 50 minutes long, instead of 35 or whatever we get. This is great. It means we can all hang out again next year. The only bad part- Anne of St. Francis and (of course) Ben. Don’t get me wrong, I’m friends with both of them. The only part is I made friends with them at Keith Hafner’s Karate. That place has the worst reputation EVER. None of my friends have the slightest idea that I took karate that recently. Well, Amy does, but she doesn’t know where and I’d prefer to keep it that way. And it really doesn’t help that Ben has sort of always had something of a crush on me. I was close to dating him back in Black Belt Camp but we never went through with it. I have to say I’m glad it worked out that way. Now that I’ve made a fresh start, I don’t want any part of my embarrassing past to come back and bite me in the ass. I know both of them will go out of their way to come find me. Maybe we should go back to the Athletic Lobby. It’s quite secluded. Besides, there are good memories there. It just kind of hit me how much of my past is going to come back on me after the new freshmen come in. I hope it all doesn’t come back, like the fact that I liked Pokemon to an unnatural age of 14. I only recently gave up on it, like this year. That was actually one of the reasons I separated from Cam. Not that he’s a bad guy, he’s just not growing up like all my other friends are. I haven’t had normal friends in the longest time. Now I do, even though Michael maintains that they’re all losers. Oh well. They were normal at Clauge, and that is ultimate acceptance. Clauge either loves you or drives you out. Look what happened to James O’Connell. Actually, I think it was Charlie’s fault he left Clauge. Turns out all the guys beat on him at least once. Normally I would feel sorry for anyone Charlie beat on, but this is the exception. He was pretty much my stalker last year at Tappan. He took a tad of a liking to me during Mrs. Richmond’s infamous Wars Of The Twentieth Century class. I liked him at first, but then he got creepy. And stalkerish. I once asked him what school he came from, back when he was new and I was trying to be nice. He answered in one word uttered with contempt. “Clauge.” Not catching the hint, I asked something to the effect of, “What was it like?” He looked at me with his “angry eyes” and said, “Sucked.” Me, still being an idiot about this, “Why?” “People there are assholes.” Now I look back on that and laugh, because I realize what he was talking about. He was talking about what Fuzz calls “The Group”. All of their James O’Connell stories made me laugh twice as hard when they retold them for my benefit, because I realized I had joined the group of assholes that had pretty much driven him out of Clauge. They tell great stories. Apparently James should have gained some discretion before 7th grade. Even Fuzz beat him up once, and Fuzz is the most gentle guy in the world. They got a kick out of the idea of him being my 8th grade stalker, though. Some of their stories almost made me wet my pants, I was laughing so hard. That actually happened once, when I was trying to tell this story about my friend who had two hamsters. For some reason, I couldn’t stop laughing and then Charlie asked some question about whether or not the story had any backbone besides, “My friend once had two hamsters.... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”. I swear I laughed so hard I wet my pants straight through. It was embarrassing, but I don’t think anyone really noticed, since I covered myself up with my sweatshirt. I didn’t want some story to look back on, like, “Hey, guys, remember the time Charlie made Claire laugh so hard she wet her pants?” That would suck. I’m so glad it never happened again. We stood around for the whole 35 minutes of lunch today, talking to assorted people. That damn Lucy Lu would NOT leave us alone. All she could talk about is how her and Wyatt plan to do it, since his birthday is this weekend. Amy and I exchanged a private, “No way what the hell is this chick thinking?” look when she wasn’t looking. It’s sad, she jumped from the Walrus to Wyatt. Damn rebounder. I’m lucky the Walrus thinks she’s a bit insane. She is a bit insane! Michael walked by halfway through lunch and quickly pulled out his phone so he wouldn’t have to talk to her and so she wouldn’t start comparing me and him. She found out today that the exalted Mike Beaulieu is my big brother. She really didn’t take it well. She seemed horrified or something. Haha. Renton, Deskins, Lucy Lu... who else is going to leave me alone because of who my brother is? He’s a real advantage sometimes. Hee hee hee. I’m glad he doesn't scare off my friends. In fact, I was wondering what he would think of them when Fuzz and the Walrus accompanied me to the junior parking lot (they were skipping 7th hour..... shame on them. Haha) I was actually more worried about how pissed Michael would be because I was late as hell, at least 15 minutes late. I told them on the way, “If you see a very angry guy in a navy shirt, tell me.” The Walrus smiled. “I still have his headphones.” I laughed. “Well, he hasn’t told me if he wants them back.” It was a total lie, of course. Michael would behead me if he found out who I gave them to. I’m going to tell him someday what happened to his earbuds, but not for at least a couple of years. We reached the junior lot. Michael was, of course, waiting for his late sister. He held out his arms in a “where the hell have you been?” pose. I grimaced to the guys, gave the Walrus a hug, bid goodbye to Fuzz, and ran like hell for the Civic. Michael was not impressed by the hug. He shouted (quite audibly) “Oh, my God, I miss you already! I miss you so much!” I shot him a murderous look. He hinted for the millionth time that my friends were losers. Sometimes he and I have a very different idea about what’s “cool”. That was pretty much my day. Maybe next year we can find out a way to shake off Lucy Lu and her kitchen remodeling. We’ll have 50 minutes to think about it. Hopefully I can find a way to avoid Ben and Anne for a whole year, although I know that’s not at all likely. Not for a whole year. I think the Athletic Lobby is the answer. No freshmen but us have been there in ages. They don’t know the school well enough to go there. I should go. Mom gets back tonight. Time = 6:20 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye. May 27, 2006 It’s Saturday. According to Mr. Vogel, it’s Day 2. That stemmed from a discussion in Latin about historians changing B.C. and A.D to B.C.E. and C.E. Mr. Vogel is a practicing Roman Catholic, so you can see why that kind of thing would piss him off. He’s taught me a lot about how people think this year. He once told me, “There’s one religion that is okay to make fun of in this country, and that religion happens to be Catholicism.” I sort of have to agree with him. We all had a discussion about it while he was teaching us Roman history. Third hour, about halfway through. Mr. Vogel finishes his timeline with the fall of the Roman empire. I take a halfway vow of silence because I make a lot of noise in Latin and us who had placed in the National Latin Exam were going to be exempt if we were good. Mr. Vogel finishes his timeline and turns to us. Mr. Vogel: “Some of you may have seen this”-(points to his B.C.)- “changed to this” (writes B.C.E.) “I am going to tell you why I think this is crap.” I sit in the second row, surprised to hear the classy, mild Mr. Vogel use a word like crap. I knew why it had been changed. To take out the name of Christ. Mr. Vogel says this just as I’m thinking it. Mr. Vogel: “So, therefore, this becomes B.C.E. and this”- (points to his A.D.)- “becomes this.” (much like before, writes C.E.) I have a question, something I’ve always wondered. Me: “But, what marks the Common Era?” In Mr. Vogel’s class, if you have a legit question, he doesn’t mind you speaking out every once in awhile. Mr. Vogel: (laughing ironically) “What marks the Common Era? The birth of Christ!” Me: (rather outraged and/or not seeing the point of the “Common Era”) “Then what’s the point of changing Before Christ to the Common Era?” Class murmurs in agreement. Mr. Vogel: “I’ll tell you why, Claire. To expel the name of Christ.” Sometimes Mr. Vogel makes too much sense for his own good. The school board would drag him out in a second if they knew he was doing this. Mr. Vogel: (continuing) “Now, this is not the case for everything. As a practicing Roman Catholic, shouldn’t I be offended by this?” (writes “Thursday” on the board) Me: “Oh, yeah. That’s Norse or something.” Mr. Vogel: “Exactly. Pagan gods. Could someone tell me what day today would be in Norse?” I knew but Lauren beat me to it. Lauren: “Thor’s Day.” Mr. Vogel: “Very good. Yes. The big hammer god.” (mimes a hammer) “Now, shouldn’t I be offended by that? I want all the days changed to “Day 1”, “Day 2”, and so on and so forth. Isn’t that understandable?” The question was rhetorical. Mr. Vogel had made his point. In a large way. He is a very wise man. I hope he’s teaching Latin 2 next year. The pool opened today. I went for awhile. It sucked that I still have to pass the notorious Deep End Test for another two years. I called Amy back, once I had gone back into the lobby, since I had missed a call from her earlier. We talked about nothing in particular, as always. The only thing serious we touched on was a blowup between the Walrus and Melanie. He’s still trying to break up with his old girlfriend (who is completely obsessed with him) and still be considerate to her feelings. Melanie (who was trying to stick out for me) said that he better not hurt me. He went nuts on her. He said all this terrible stuff about how she’s changed and how we all want the old Mel back. Poor guy’s in a tough spot. There was a funny part in our conversation about him. Amy said that he told Fuzz that he wanted to hold my hand, but my hands were always in my pockets. I laughed out loud at that. “So that’s why he asked me that!” I exclaimed. He had once asked me, “Why do you always have your hands in your pockets?” I had answered, “I dunno. Habit, I guess.” I have a feeling I may be frustrating him. Amy laughed at that. She told me today that it was my (dumb) decision to go out with him, and that she gives up. I told her I appreciated it. We laughed. In other words, she somewhat approves, or she’s beyond an explanation. I became friends with Amy’s friend Alex today. We talked for a couple hours straight. He seems like a good guy. Less intense than Zach, who I also met online. Oh, boy, I can hear Michael now: “What the hell are you doing?! Didn’t we go through this with that Zach loser? You’re such a freshman sometimes!” I know he cares about me (being my older brother and everything), but I don’t need half the crap he throws at me. I should do this, I should do that, I should stop that, do more of this, start doing this. It never ends. Mom says he’s just trying to stop me from making the same mistakes that he did freshman year, but it still pisses me off! He says that Peter shouldn’t be captain of the lacrosse team because he leads in a negative way, but maybe he should go look in a mirror and stop putting down his only sister. Sometimes he’s just plain harsh. One time he drove me so far I seriously wanted to die, lying there in my bed. I would never commit suicide, but I felt terrible. Ok, that’s enough gushing about my 17 year old pain in the ass. I still love him. I hate to say it, but he’s my favorite brother. I wish the weekend would be over. I just want school to be over, so I can sleep and recuperate from 9th grade. Not that it was bad. Actually it was my most fun year ever. It changed me, but it was still the best. It’s kind of interesting to look back and realize what a kid I was 11 months ago. I didn’t know any of the people that are now so ingrained into my life now. No Charlie, no Amy, no Fuzz, no Mr. Vogel, no any part of the trumpet section, no Sarah, no Megan, just.... no Huron. It’s almost scary. I liked karate. I couldn’t wait to get my black belt. My room consisted of an air mattress and my bookcase. I feared high school. The best part of my day had been Math Support in 8th grade. I thought I loved Cam. Turns out some things do change. And they change in a 10 on the Richter scale. I’m listening to David’s iPod. He was recharging it and I just found out that I can listen to his songs. Some aren’t that bad. I should go to bed soon. Hm... but it’s not even 11 yet. I’ve got time. I just have to make sure I cut off the song before it ends so there won’t be record of me listening to it. Something tells me that David would call me out on that. Hm... “Your Beautiful” by James Blunt. I don’t hate that song as much as I tell everyone I do. I wouldn’t add it to my iPod, but it’s not terrible. It’s hysterical when Michael sings it. He copies the bad singing voice perfectly. Now I’m tired, so I’m going to go. Time = 11:09 P.M. EDST. Goodnight. May 28, 2006 It was hotter than hell over here today. I had to go to the pool. I’m attempting to start constructing my zoology project for Goebbel, but it’s not going well. It should be an easy project. Last Friday, I was a little worried that Lauren Williams (from Bio) was going to hunt me down and shoot me or something. You see, she apparently wanted the tiger. Goebbel was drawing numbers for who gets first pick, second pick, and so on. I got first pick. I chose the tiger, and then Arthur Tsai chose the leopard, which was her second choice. She pisses me off so much. If we were allowed to fight at Huron, I would teach her that the world doesn’t revolve around her. SUCH a brat. It was funny, Hannah Spencer took an animal that Dimico Taylor wanted. Now, I usually find Dimico Taylor about the most annoying guy alive. But when the sheet came to him, and he saw that the animal he wanted was taken, all he did was grin at Hannah and say, “Aw, Hannah, you took my animal. I hate you.” I realized that in a bizarre twist, Dimico is really more mature than Lauren is. Lauren spent the rest of class stalking around, claiming that she was not going to do the project (for Mrs. Goebbel’s benefit, of course). Goebbel couldn’t care less. She doesn’t encourage that kind of thing and, quite frankly, she doesn’t give a damn if you fail her class or not. I wish Lauren wasn’t such a brat. If she had been one of my friends, like Hannah is, I would have offered to switch animals. Maybe someone will pound her at some point. Not that I encourage fighting. I was overly violent up until recently, so I know it really sucks not to have any control over yourself. Hurley and that Josh guy who hangs out with us almost got into a fight on Friday. I wasn’t really looking, but I think Josh pushed Hurley and he rammed into the fire alarm or something. Hurley pisses off easy, and went at Josh. Charlie waded in and pulled them apart, and then Madame Ulrey came onto the scene. She’s the French teacher, and a creepier woman you will not find. She screamed something at the top of her lungs about suspension over the last weeks of school, and then sent them off to different corners of the area. I think that freshmen guys are both overly confident and overly aggressive. It’s amazing they can take classes together. I would really appreciate it if this weekend was over already. I’m sure I’m going to regret saying that once school starts for the week. I just want to take the damn finals and be done. I woke up and was actually disappointed it wasn’t time for school. That was a first. If I miss everyone over a three day weekend, I have no idea what I’m going to do over summer break. Everyone’s going to be gone. Amy’s going to Europe. I’m going to Seattle. The Walrus is going to assorted football camps. Fuzz will be around, but it’s no fun without the rest of the lunch crew. I’m going to miss them a lot. I’ve made some interesting friends over this year. Amy told me today that I’ve rubbed off on her. She said I’ve made her more secure with herself. I’ve told her she has no right thinking that she’s fat, because she’s NOT. Now I have to bring up everyone else’s self-esteem, too. Fuzz needs some confidence in himself. The Walrus needs to acknowledge that he’s not as ugly as he makes himself out to be, and that he’s a great guy. And, of course, I need to bring up my own. I don’t think I’m pretty or good at anything. I think Michael’s starting to worry about me. He once told me, “You once thought you were the shit. What happened?” Truth is, I used to be the smart one. He took that away from me his sophomore year, when he started outperforming me in everything. Now he’s President of the Key Club, about to be captain of the lacrosse team, and getting all A’s and B’s. He’s successful and I’m not. End of story. There was a time where I wouldn’t stand to be out shined by anyone, especially my older brother, but that time is now gone. It’s almost too bad. I liked getting good grades. Maybe I still can, although I’m now devoid of willpower. And they just think I’m lazy. Stupid, stupid people. Wish I could tell them the real reason. Great, now I sound emo. Next I’ll be cutting myself and joining theater. I try to stay normal. If I don’t, they’ll drag me back to Bob. Not that I had a problem with Bob. He was a good guy, and I liked to make him laugh. He just didn’t really understand my situation. My parents originally took me to him because they thought I had anger issues. Of course, David didn’t have to go. I told ol’ Bob that in the first days. David makes me mad. I react. Parents get angry. It’s all my fault. Life goes on. I know my parents expect me to be more mature with David, since he has Asburger’s Syndrome and “doesn’t know any better”. Sure, he doesn’t. I hated that they automatically assumed that the problem was all me, and not what David does to me. I have a short fuse. What can I say? I’m the youngest. I can only be so mature. Actually, Bob did get me, a little. I told him about my parents. Dad, unable to admit that he’s wrong in any way. His stupid, old-fashioned values. Mom, neurotic and controlling and overprotective. He thought we should “communicate” better. He makes me want to become a shrink. If I were, I would specialize in teenagers. I know about all the stuff my friends are going through, and I want to help with that kind of crap. Like Amy, at war with her mother and convinced she’s fat. Her ex, Zach, under an incredible amount of pressure at Interlochen Arts Academy. Lucy, constantly cutting and sexually abused by her adoptive dad. I could go on forever. Even families like Dad’s, estranged from each other and totally dysfunctional and substance abusing. Maybe I actually will. We’ll see if I can dig myself out first. I should go, and try to get some research done. I’m feeling happier after all that gushing. Hee hee hee. Time = 9:11 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye. May 30, 2006 Had to stay after school today to work on my Goebbel project and my new Bryant project (on Irish immigrants... oh boy). Michael was none too pleased. He said I was using him when I wanted a ride. Somehow we got to me telling him for the millionth time how I felt about him being successful and me.... well.... not. He told me it was bullshit, but didn’t give me reasons why. I think he was sorry or something, because he came down while I was watching TV wearing David’s blond wig for some theater thing and declared himself Bon Jovi. I had to laugh. It was funny. I told him he looked like Ellen DeGeneres. Which was perfectly true. I got an A on my Latin quiz! It would have been a B if Mr. Vogel hadn’t been being nice to me. It was a funny thing though. Third hour, in the beginning half. I was drifting, thinking about nothing in particular. Mr. Vogel: “Let’s hand back a quiz.” (pulls out a stack of papers, begins handing them out) “Paul got a 100.” Me: (to Paul) “I’m appalled at you.” Paul: (grins) Mr. Vogel: “Claire got an A.” Me: (a tad surprised) “Oh. Cool.” (Mr. Vogel hands out rest of the quizzes) A few minutes later. Mr. Vogel: “Now, the middle class of Romans were called equites. Most of you got that, although Claire invented the term equiteers. Now, I sort of like that. It’s almost like charioteers.” (mimes a chariot) Class laughs. Me: (still laughing) “I also said the highest class was the Rich ‘Uns.” Mr. Vogel: (also laughing) “Indeed you did. Unfortunately, I had to take off a point for that.” Me: “But not for my equiteers?” Mr. Vogel: (smiling) “No. I cut you some slack on that.” Latin is always fun. I’m really going to miss that group of people next year. It’s not the same without Mataeso telling me to be quiet for once, and without Ursala swiping my ponytail. I know they all love me, really. I’m like the freshman that they have to teach stuff to. And they’re not completely immersed in how great and wonderful my big brother is, like some of the other juniors are. Speaking of juniors, I’m about to kill Lucy Lu. She WOULD NOT LEAVE US ALONE today. She is sooooooo annoying. I wanted to pull a gun on myself halfway through lunch, so I said, “Well, we have to go this way.” I quickly moved myself down the hallway, with Fuzz following me. Unfortunately Paul did not catch our drift and we had to leave him behind. Lucy looked like she was going to follow us, so I muttered, “Oh my God, quickly, Fuzz!” Paul caught up to us and we explained about her. Maybe dislike of annoying Asian chicks is genetic, because Michael doesn’t like her either. I went to go see everyone after 7th hour, when I had left the library. First I talked to Fuzz, and when he went to go head off Lucy Lu (to keep her throat intact from me) I talked to the Walrus. We made a mutual decision to wait until next year to do anything serious, and just get to know each other this year. I guess that’s good enough for me right now. I’m relieved, and not relieved. I don’t suddenly have to take on the responsibility of a boyfriend right now, but we both know that we feel more. And it’s only three months or so. I can wait. Maybe. And we’ll see each other. Hang out over the summer. You know, I think Amy was right. I do feel much better now that I’ve told him and it’s all out in the open. He may have a girlfriend, but I don’t think he likes her very much. He says she’s fat and annoying and obsessive. Works for me. I didn’t want to become like George becomes in the Song of the Lioness. Never mind that he ends up marrying her, but he was constantly telling Alanna that he loved her, but she wouldn’t have him. I didn’t want to be that person. That’s why I was reluctant to reveal myself as Larry. I didn’t want to lose someone to awkwardness. But now, it’s out in the open, and half the 9th grade knows already. News travels. This should be a better arrangement, and maybe we can do something over the summer. I need a yearbook. I got shut down today by Mr. Trocchio for one, but I did get to meet him finally. He seems like a nice guy. Hopefully I’ll get him next year. I was asking his assistant for a yearbook, and he came to help. He told me I should find a receipt for the yearbook, and then come back. I nodded and said, “Mr. Trocchio, right?” He gave me a very shifty look that somehow reminded me of my friend Ted and said, “Maybe.....” I laughed. “You had my brother last year.” He seemed interested. “Who’s your brother?” “Mike. Mike Beaulieu.” Of course, he knew him. Everyone knows him. That’s ok though. I’m actually kind of proud of him. He’s straightened out his life a lot since he first came to Huron. It stuns me that the same guy who was caught smoking weed in a basement could now be President of the Key Club and on varsity lacrosse and getting good grades. Things change. A lot. Life is good, most of the time. Time = 9:54 P.M. EDST. ‘Night. June 2, 2006 Five more days of school. You would think I would be happy, but no, I’m not. I feel the same way Charlie does. One day we were in the library and he looked at me with sad eyes and said, “You know, I really don’t want this year to end.” I agree. I’ve never had a more fun year. I’m going to miss them so much. Not Lucy Lu, though. Hee hee hee. The scale test was today. I’m exempt for about a week, due to my braces coming off. I did get to watch everyone else do theirs, though. The trumpets and tubas all went in a room with MacArthur and did the scales. It was actually really fun. Luis Anderson went first. He used to play trumpet, but he switched to tuba because he was last chair. I really liked him up until me and the Walrus got tight. He sucked, needless to say. He’s just not very musical. We went alphabetically. Caleb (whose last name is Kline) was about to go. This was one of the highlights of my day. In the practice room, 5th hour. We are seated in a rough semicircle. Caleb looks quite nervous. He licks his lips and raises his trumpet. Then MacArthur interrupts. MacArthur: “Hey, what if Caleb was spelled with a K? I think that would be really neat.” We all look around at each other, like, Is this guy fo’ real? Then Brain Kim speaks up. Brian Kim: “Yeah, if his middle name started with a K then he could be KKK.” We chuckle a little. I glance at Luis. By the look on his face, I know he’s about to say something sarcastic. Luis: (sarcastically) “Hey, everybody, what if Killian was spelled with a C?” Killian Williams is his best buddy, and our first chair trumpet. I think he loves Killian as much as a sophomore guy can love another guy and not be gay. MacArthur smiles like its a huge joke. That’s his only defense. He grins and freaks out people. A lot of people think he’s either gay or a pedophile. I think he has potential for both. Caleb starts his scales. He does well. I would be happy to be a choir person right about now. Braces don’t affect singing as much. And I hear that Doc is very nice. Not like Roberts the Nazi, pretentious pain in the ass. We usually have lots of fun down near the band room and the choir room though. Lots of stuff has happened down there. Today we were treated to Romeo and Juliet As Told By Charlie McMacken next to the band room. It was honestly one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Well, most people know that there are several roles in Romeo and Juliet. Charlie was a one-man acting troupe. He wanted us to see what he had put together. It was..... interesting. He played all the roles and did all the lines by himself. Whenever he put on a certain article of clothing, he was a different character. His flannel shirt was Tybalt, the gummy straws were Benvolio, his top hat was one of the servants, and wearing nothing was Samson. It was especially funny during the fight scenes. Well, he knew his lines, I’ll give him that. I had to skip Ms. Bryant’s class today. Unfortunately she saw me, but I don’t care what she thinks. I’ve even thought of an alibi. I thought the class was being held in the library (wink wink) but it wasn’t. I was in project crisis. My Bio project is due this Monday, and I still had work to do on it. I wasn’t about to skip lunch. No damn way. I’d rather skip the blowoff class. Chris laughed at me during math about it. Okay, I admit it. That was completely unslick of me. Oh well, she loves me. Maybe I can smooth it over. The good news is that I finished it. I also got a lot of my Irish Immigrant project done during 7th hour, which is the Bryant final. I got to talk to the 7th hour people after, too (namely the Walrus). I had to use his phone to call Mom to come pick me up. He has an extremely broke phone, even if it is a camera phone. Paul has taken to hanging out with us at lunch. That’s very good for Amy, since she really likes him. He’s technically Against The Rules. We’ve even given him a nickname. He’s the Penny Guy. The Walrus calls him The Big Red Book. Maybe it’s good she’s moving on from The Fairy March. He took a huge toll on her and her emotions. I tell her she should go for it. She says, “NO!” I really don’t get it. Of course, she doesn’t get why I like the Walrus. It’s probably good the guys we like are polar opposites, so we’ll never find each other’s guy attractive. I feel so sorry for Amy, though. She could get him. At least the Walrus knows how I am about him. Those kind of things are better sometimes out in the open. Or maybe we’re just weird. I didn’t want to tell him at first because we were good friends and I didn’t want to lose that. I still love him as a buddy, as much as I love him as more. I commanded Amy to tell Paul. She said no. I even tried to put it in a historical metaphor. German history. Hitler made himself dictator by creating an emergency and changing the rules that were not convenient to his ideas. Germany is the situation. Paul is the emergency. Amy is Hitler. Amy should change her rules if they are not convenient to make herself dictator over this situation (Germany). She didn’t really get it. I thought it was a legit metaphor. We might have to compromise on an anonymous note for them. Amy could write it. She helped me with mine when it sounded like a chip commercial. Ooh, she’s online now. I’m going to tell her to write the note. Time = 8:26 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye for now. June 3, 2006 Have you ever had one of those dreams where you don’t want to wake up? I had one of those last night. I was pissed as hell when I woke up, and really rather sad that the dream couldn’t go on. Some parts of it are unclear, but overall it was the best dream I’ve had in awhile. I was standing in the 4200 hallway with Fuzz, waiting for the Walrus. I wanted to kiss the Walrus, and I was thinking about that. For some reason, Fuzz grabbed my shoulder and I looked up. We kissed, and I was thinking, “What the hell am I doing? I don’t want my first kiss to be with Fuzz!” And then the Walrus came down the 4200 hallway and saw us kissing, and I said, “No. It’s not like that.” I think we had a fight, because he didn’t believe that I didn’t like Fuzz and was being sarcastic. Then we were in a bathroom, all four of us. Apparently we had gotten over the me-kissing-Fuzz thing, because the two of us seemed friendly. The bathtub that we were all sitting in was similar to the one in our old house at the court. I was in the bathtub, wearing clothes, even though there was water in the tub. I think Amy came in the tub, also wearing clothes. Then the Walrus got in. I don’t know where Fuzz went, I just know that he went away. So we were chilling out in the bathtub in our clothes. Amy wasn’t doing much, so I looked to the Walrus. I thought he had been wearing a shirt, but it was off now. He grinned, and then for no reason I kissed him. it was so weird. Even though it was a dream, and I don’t know what kissing guys is like, I felt it. I felt warmth, mostly. While I was kissing him I was thinking, “Hey! I’m actually kissing him!” We were about to do it again, and then I felt myself coming back to the real world. I was actually disappointed. I wanted more. I was laying there in my bed, angry. I wish I was like Dad and could pick up dreams where I left off. It rains. Most people would find rain depressing, but personally I love it. I purposely took Bailey on a little longer walk to walk in the rain. Reminds me of the time I went to Amy’s and her and Fuzz and me all got caught in a downpour. Amy was wearing a white t-shirt, so she had to borrow Fuzz’s brown Roca coat. We got soaked. We had a blast. Of course, that was also the time I got busted for going over to a friend’s house with no parents there. That’s when we all brainstormed the idea of a secret anonymous love note for me. That was fun. I really, really, really wish that the year wasn’t ending. Amy’s leaving for the whole summer pretty much. Between band camps and other crap we’re not going to see much of her. I wish it were about December. Of course, if it was December then I would still be heartbroken because my favorite trumpet player had left the section. This is the third or fourth month that things have been this good for me. Yeah, it was late February or early March that the four of us started hanging out. It has been the best couple months of my life. I think I’m going to look up on an online dream dictionary to figure out my sick subconscious. Time = 5:37 P.M. EDST. Goodbye. June 4, 2006 Didn’t do much today. Mostly I sat on the couch and watched Diagnosis: Unknown on the Discovery Health Channel. David whined into my ear for awhile about how he wanted to watch TV. He is seriously the most immature 19 year old ever. I told him to go upstairs, because I was actually watching something. He whined a little more, then called ME immature. I snapped. I pushed back the covers and stood up. WHAM! One-two-three. Straight into his back and stomach. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been on snapping point today. I hit Michael twice today. I’m a little scared of myself right now. I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me. I need to bring up my grades. I have quite a crappy GPA. I can’t stand it when people complain they got a B. Be happy, for God’s sake! I haven’t gotten any kind of B in math all year. Straight C’s. I’m incredibly frustrated. There’s no one I can talk to about that. Amy gets good math grades all the time. Michael would tell me to stop whining and actually pay attention. I do! I really do! I just can’t do well on the test for some reason! I actually got 58% on my last test. Now I realize how Cam felt last year. I would always get a high B last year on science tests, history tests, and language arts tests. He would fail. Miserably. Must have been hard for him, with me getting the good grades and him.... not so much. He’s always been a deplorable test taker. Now I feel for him. I’ve just been frustrated today for some reason. Maybe they’re going to drag me back to Bob. Maybe I still need Bob. I didn’t think I did at the time, but now I realize that it was actually kind of nice to have someone listen to my problems in an unbiased way. That’s one thing my friends cannot do. And I could sound refined around him. I stopped sounding refined in 8th, when people made fun of me. Ok, here comes Dad. Time = 10:40 P.M. EDST. ‘Night. June 5, 2006 The worst day ever. Last night, we got a strange phone call. We didn’t pick it up because it said private and we thought it might be someone from Dad’s work. So we kept on eating dinner, and then someone checked the messages. I was asleep, but the message said in this really creepy whisper, “McMacken has seven more days.” Mom and Dad chose not to involve me (yeah never mind that my friend could be in danger) and they sent Michael down to Mr. Samaha, one of the counselors. They called Charlie down. Now, all the while I’m getting.... not the whole story. At first I thought that Michael was making prank calls to Charlie, and I was mad. Then I thought that Michael was accusing Charlie of making prank calls to us, and I was even madder. So I hear this and get majorly pissed off, because I thought Michael was trying to screw my friends over. Halfway through Bio I sent him a text message: What the hell did u do? His answer: it was necessary My reply: it wasnt him Him: who then, and y? Me: u think i kno? Me: Y him? He didn’t answer, which pissed me off some more. It was only after school did I get the whole story. I was relieved, to tell the truth. That was really not the way I wanted Michael and Charlie to meet. But Mom and Dad wanted me to hear the message. Before, I had been thinking of people who would screw with me like that. I came up blank. Dad pulled up the message, and I listened. Sure enough, “McMacken has seven more days.” And then I knew. BEN! Ben’s a real head case lately. He’s getting weird. So I called him. I told him to at least call that shit into my cell, because he really freaked out my parents. I told him about that whole counselor thing. He didn’t seem to care all that much. It was funny, because when they called Charlie down and asked him if he was suicidal, Michael said that he said, “Uh.... no. I like life.” And gave them a thumbs up. I laughed so hard at that story, because that is just so Charlie. But, they called his parents and everything! I was sooo pissed off at Ben. That was completely uncalled for (no pun intended). I was kind of glad Michael was around for that, because he was really just looking out for me and my friends. I should probably apologize for being an ass to him all throughout the day. He was just concerned. I don’t want to see Ben ever again, really. We have to find some way to avoid him next year. Time = 7:45 P.M. EDST. ‘Bye. June 6, 2006 It’s 6/6/06. Hee hee hee. A pretty normal day today. Charlie and I discussed how perverted Ben is. I know this, but I was sort of wondering how Charlie might know that. He told me at the beginning of the day about something that Ben had said. It was quite unnecessary, and it had to do with a threesome with me and the Walrus. I don’t know what’s up with Ben these days. His brother has an attitude like, “What’s going on, man?” but Ben is smarter and more of a head case. He’s smart enough to figure out how to get away with stuff. Today was a fire drill, or someone pulled the fire alarm. Either/or. And I had an orthodontist appointment. Just like the day I told the Walrus, with the note and everything. Together me and him were trying to get Amy to tell Paul how she feels. The Walrus said, “Guys like it when girls go up to them and tell them they like them. Like me. I was so happy when I got a note from a really cool person.” “Yup.” I agreed. I actually didn’t get locked out this time on the way back to the band room. The last time I did, and felt like an idiot. But I think that may have been because I took my sweet ass time with the Walrus, telling him about how it was me that sent the note. I urged Amy to do the same thing and write him a note. Look what Amy did. She made me a firm believer in notes. She doesn’t want to for some reason, even though it would work. It really would, maybe. Or he could just diss her and say he needs to study this summer, which sadly I can see happening. But she likes him so much! I know how that feels. Ugh, I really don’t want to wait a summer, even though I know it’s probably what we need. June 8, 2006 Completely forgot to record the time last time I wrote. Oh well. It’s been a shitty couple of days. Finals are coming and I’m completely stressed out. Worst of all, Amy got mad at me last night. She was being all possessive of Alex, and it went down from there. She doesn’t want me to flirt with Alex. I was thinking, “Well, that’s the first time I’ve been told that.” He starts it, and I just play off of him. And she apparently doesn’t like that. I don’t know why. Alex suggested that maybe this summer at NEMC she “wants to go Zach style” with him. In other words, go out with him. I could see that happening, maybe. So me, Alex, and Lenel all opened a chat room. We brainstormed stuff to do about Amy, so she won’t be jealous. We didn’t come up with much, except that she feels pushed aside. I’m really not trying to replace anyone here! Sometimes I get more attention because I never stop running my mouth and I know a lot of stuff about a lot of different things. I feel really bad, because this isn’t the first time this has happened. Back in about February, I met Zach. I wanted to meet him, because Amy had told me about him, and I wanted to meet him for myself. Well, we hit it off. We laughed and talked for hours on end over AIM. Amy got jealous, because even though she had no more feelings for him, she still felt like I was taking her place. I do remember that she once told me that she was going to be outshined if I ever started flirting with guys (which I don’t do....). Maybe this is because the moment of being outshined is upon us. I don’t know what to do. I don’t like Alex that way, even though I think Amy thinks I do. She mentioned once that I would probably fall in love with Alex. Maybe down the road I can see that happening, but not now! I haven’t even met him in person yet! There’s no way to be less close with someone, as Zach would say. But I’m not trying to come between them. Amy thinks I’m getting a kick out of pulling her and Alex apart or something. I’m not like that! Ok, I think I’m done here. Time = 10:49 P.M. EDST. Goodnight.

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