• This whole situation is ridiculously frustrating, and getting more frustrating by the hour. I've gotten more cynical lately, I know, but I have come to a realization: people are, by their very nature, liars. Thus any attempt at figuring out my problem with Ms. Cindy is met by failure. Here's how the conversation would go with Chris as the mediator: Me: "Ms. Cindy, I feel like you're not actually questing to understand me. Rather, you're trying to prove that I'm angry so that . . . I don't know why. It still baffles me. But your questions aren't meant to help you understand me, they're meant to psychoanalyze me. I don't need a psychologist, Cindy. What I needed was someone who treated me like an equal." Ms. Cindy: "Rachel! I love you so much, honey, and I don't understand how you've gotten to that conclusion. Of course I want to understand you! Something's been effecting our relationship, and I want to know what it is. I was asking questions to find out." Chris: "Rachel, you need to listen to Cindy. You're being immature. She's trying to reconcile here, and all you want is to be angry." Liars. All of them are liars. Maybe Cindy doesn't even realize that she's lying anymore - it wouldn't surprise me. Maybe her idea of caring *is* psychoanalyzing, rather than being there and supporting me. You know, support comes from the sides or from below. Support doesn't come from a distance where you're trying to figure out why I used this word instead of that. Yes, I'm angry. I'm not denying that. But that *doesn't* make my feelings and thoughts irrelevant. I hate it - I want to be honest, to lay my cards in front of Cindy and Chris, but I know that everything I'm feeling would be "pooh, pooh" to them. Then literally two minutes later they'll be espousing OSV, a former hellion in our youth group standing for Oriented, Save, and Valued. Am I feeling valued right now? Oriented? Safe? No. And in other news, I'm ticked at myself too. Mark came in to my workplace today, and I didn't say anything particularly intelligent, poignant, even especially nice. What was I thinking? I didn't freeze up, I guess I've just forgotten how to act around him. Dang it all. I'm given another chance, and I don't do anything with it. I had no chance anyway, I know, but why the heck couldn't I make the best of it? I almost think he wanted to talk with me more than he did, but I just couldn't figure out how to do it. Idiot. I might not see him for another six months, and what do I do? Act like he wasn't even a non-romantic part of my life.

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