• ok me and swan are in quite the situation here, i talked to her yesterday and well we stand here, we both want the same thing, but we seem to have a hard time getting that, because of how her mind has been working, she doesnt want to hurt me or ignore me, and she feels she will because at times she may be in her own little world and then she will feel too bad and break up again and she does not want to do that, and i understand that, and i dont want to force it apon her and make her feel bad, so yeah, man i wish i could just prove to her that she would not be hurting me, somehow give her the confidence to make the choice, if only she could see that i know her, i know that she is going through a lot in her head, i know what type of person she is, and i love her for who she is, if she has been true to me which i trust she has been, then she is the person i love, and if these sort of things really bothered me, then i wouldnt love her, she keeps saying she wont be a "good girlfriend", which i mean i understand, but really , i am not looking for a good girlfriend, i mean it would be easy to find some girl that is available all the time and thinks i'm cute and cool, nothing beyond that, and i thought she was ok and fun to flirt with, i mean relationships like that are all over the place, but there is a reason why i really never had a true relationship befor this, because i dont want those type of relationships, i want someone that i can a fun wiht but at the same time hold a serious conversation with or dont even have to talk at all, someone i can trust saying anything to, someone i would not mind spending any amount of time with no matter how long or short, someone who impresses and fasinates me, someone who is more then just a girlfriend,but a true friend, and well someone who loves me back, and well i honestly find all that in swan, i wish she knew that she is want i want, i dont deserve better because to me there isnt better,there have been times where i dont even feel i deserve her, i know her, i understand how she what state she would be in if we were together, but i also know how she feels towards me and that is all i need, to know she loves me, and well i know taht if she ever wasnt all there i know it would be because she has so much going on in her head , therefor it would not bother me, although i would feel bad for her and the stuff going on in her head, i would feel bad that she has so much on her mind, but not be hurt by the fact her mind is in another place, idk, i wish her mind could be healed of what it is all going through, i wish she could be happy, i am sorry for saying all this especially if it conflicts in your mnd more, i jus tthought i would say it all to idk help if it could, but who knows i could just make it worse, which i hope not and if it does i am sorry, you nkow i just want to end this entry with this, swan,if you are reading this, i know you have a hard time with this all, because you believe i deserve better, and that you would only hurt me, but just ponder on this,me being the same person i am, and you know me and you like who i am, what if i told you i felt i was not good enough, taht you deserve better then me and if i was with you i would only hurt you, adn i would rather be in the state i am then give you any pain, and that i was afraid i would be a bad boyfriend and even though you said you want to be there and taht all you want is to be with me, i just felt i was not good enough adn you deserve better, idk, i am only saying this as sort of my attenpt to help you see how i feel about you, but like i said, i could not hate you, and i just wish the best for you, i really do

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