• so...as ive said...im doing this whole self reflection thing(i hate putting it that way...)...but yesterday i started feeling this odd feeling...kinda of like a deppression but heavier and more curious... do i even know what i want?? its like...i have theperfect idea...but then i start thinking and it changes all the time...im so stoopid. Its like...i had love....right there in my arms and i pushed it away....although im confident in the reasons why i did it....i still feel it...what am i so god damn afraid of? I just cant seem to shake it...i hate it...i act like im fine....like im a rock...nothing bothers me...."go with the flow".....but its so HARD..... everything is dying on the outside of me...im worried the inside will die too...pushing these thoughts out never seem to work anymore...i know its time to face these things...and its so hard to facce them alone...but i know its better off this way...and something i have to do.... it just sux sometimes... and i do have people to confide in...i do and im so thankful, believe me...but you can never tell someone everything...ya know? so im trying to do better in school...cuz hte only way to beat the system is to get through it...im trying to deal with the problems in my "family" as if they dont bother me(cuz i know they wnt change...so dwelling only takes up space :(....) then i have Oscar....the most confusing thing ive ever had to deal with ever....i love him...but im not with him....i need to be alone...then i want someone there....MY GOD its driving me CRAZY.....and we're in a band together(which im glad for and cant wait to see where it goes) i jsut dont have enough time to sort through everything...as soon as i get through something...something else comes along I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im just not sure what to do anymore....and not knowing..being lost and confused scares me more then anything in the world. and thats exactly what i am right now..lost, confused, and afraid. and ill keep telling him everything is alright...

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