• Breaking the regular alternating deal, I'm going to mutter about the guy again. Maybe I'll just shove the alternating thing completely . . . I assume you won't be reading if you don't like angst, but I've been told that I'm really not that angsty (at least comparatively). Either way. Sunday was lovely - I do love youth band. It scared me a bit, though, because I felt a tiny bit of hope coming back concerning the guy. It seems totally inconsequential, but Sunday night, we were singing some song, I don't remember which. I keep the corner of my eye on the guy at all times, because his is the voice that I harmonize with (something changing after next week), so I sing off him in more ways than one. About halfway through some song - maybe God of Wonders? - and the guy turns a bit so he can look at me from an angle, then smiles directly at me for several seconds. Yes, it's practically nothing. But it meant a huge amount to me, and I wonder if maybe it belied a tiny bit of feeling from him too. Is it absurd to think that maybe, just theoretically, we could be meant for each other? Maybe that he actually rushed into this thing with the fiancee (four years could be rushing, sure), and I could have a chance? I'm a Christian, and I believe that God has set everything up for me in advance. I certainly have free will, but it basically comes back to "everything has a purpose." So to my mind, there are two options: I'm meant to be with him, or I'm not. If I'm not - the obvious, if not hopeful, choice - then there are two other options: I'm supposed to learn something, or I'm in sin. I can't believe I'm in sin, but . . . I don't know what there is to learn, either. I don't actually believe that the guy meant anything by that smile, but I've said before that I'm basically on a precipice with him; if he once smiled at me and *did* meant something by it, I'd fall hard and fast. For now, I'm safely half a foot away from the edge, but things like that shove me a little closer. I'll inch back eventually, but it's rather dangerous. He's so dang attractive. Even when he's just being silly, or when most women would find him too goofy to like, I find him alluring. He was cracking me up the other night - he had just gotten off work before coming to band practice, and still had his work shirt on. After about an hour of playing, he got hot and pulled off his overshirt. Underneath was this hilarious T-shirt with "Chichen Itza" scrawled across it in '90s letters. And he grins and goes, "I've had this since the third grade." Then we're like, "yeah, we can tell," and point to the giant holes in his armpits. So he gets this fake solicitous look on his face and puts his hands behind his head like a model and poses for a second. My gosh he's hilarious. Just the little things like that, when his sense of humor is showcased, make me want him. At this point, everything reminds me of him - Coldplay and The Shore, which we share an interest in, Ong-Bak and The Protector, anybody talking about guys, other guys, any form of music. I'm afraid I'll constantly be comparing other guys to him, and that this'll stay with me a long time. That's the last thing I want. I either want him, or to get over him. This coming Sunday is his last week with us, though. I know I never had one in the first place, but I'm afraid I'm losing my chance. I mean, would God even be able to convince him that we're right for each other if he never sees me anymore? That's absurd, I know. But I guess the biggest thing is that I won't be able to see him anymore. Even if I can't have him, I'd still like to be around him. I've not completely given up yet. I'll miss him horribly, for his humor as well as just being around him.

• No Comments

Log in now to tell us what you think this song means.

Don’t have an account? Create an account with SongMeanings to post comments, submit lyrics, and more. It’s super easy, we promise!