• Not entirely sure how I missed aday of journal-entry, but I did somehow. In any event, It's not like I have a lot to report: my life can get pretty bland at times. I wish there were more going on at times, but I would also want to have total control of those types of things. Not a realistic assessment of living, to be sure. No one can control all the little details, the day-to-day challenges and situational challenges that rise up in our paths. Maybe I should be thankful for slow, quiet days, except I spend time worrying that the calm is just the lull before the storm hits. I'm coming to the conclusion that I am suffering from a form of depression, and the thought makes me sick to my stomach with dread. I'm 40, a single parent with a teenager who has emotional issues of his own, and the most dysfunctional family relationship there can be. I blame no one for the mess of my life but me. I am not educated, and it is by my own doing. I am not financially secure, and this is by my own doing. I am divorced, and I had everything to do with that. There is no force in the Universe to take blame here, but me. I try not to lapse into self-pity, but it is hard not to at times. Sometiomes, you don't even recognize self-pity for what it is. You get too caught up in self-loathing, and self-destruction, and miss the Pity part. Well, this is not where I thought my journal entry would go today, but here it is. Maybe I should listen to some music to lighten my spirits. I know better than to keep Jesus And Mary Chain at work, and I try to avoid Love & Rockets, Bauhaus, Smiths, Sisters Of Mercy, Joy Division, Ministry, or New Order while I am work as well. I really need to turn myself around before the Holidays hit, or I am going to become dangerously close to being a Holiday statistic.

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