• Yeah, the title is a song from Maria Mena. I've been listening to a lot of her songs lately. This song kind of got to me, I guess... I read on songmeanings what the meaning of the song was, because all I understood of it was that she wanted to better, thinner, prettier. Well, I pretty much felt like that all my life. So I read she wrote it, because of her eating disorder, she had anorexia nervosa or something… I remember I used to be jealous of people with anorexia, because I wanted it, but couldn’t, I hardly ate at school, but then I got home and ate every last cookie and piece of candy I could find and ended up feeling very guilty and very sick. I couldn’t help myself, and sometimes I even wished I had anorexia, because then at least I would've been able to not eat all day. I wanted to be thin, so badly. Still do, I just eat more nowadays, because not eating and still working hard is exhausting. I had a chronic headache, nearly fainted and fell of the stairs several times, felt tired and grumpy. I felt so awful about the things I thought, because I knew it was wrong to want something like anorexia, it’s an illness, who on earth wants to be sick? Well, I did, still do sometimes. But the headaches, the stress, the not sleeping etcetera got to me. I had to eat, because school’s important to me, without school and learning and books I’m nothing, useless. But now I eat too much, I hate exercising, working out at the gym and stuff like that, because I always feel like people are laughing at me behind my back, think I look ridiculous and disgusting. I sometimes think I’m too fat to go outdoors. I can’t help but mind what other people think of me. I’m so terribly insecure, too insecure to tell anyone, so I put it on this website where nobody’s knows who I am. I’m such a coward. I know I shouldn’t care about other people, I’m the way I am and as long as I don’t have a problem with that, neither should anybody else have. But that’s just not the way it works for me. I’m glad I have a few friends nowadays, not best friends, but friends nevertheless. They know I’m shy, introvert and just not good with people, but they don’t know it’s such a big deal to me, that I take things so seriously. And when I hear some really pretty girl in my class has a tendency to eat too little and might have anorexia, I just get angry. What does she has to worry about? She’s pretty, and already way too skinny. I’m not, people don’t call me fat, when I say I’m fat, people respond with things like ‘you’re not fat, you just have big bones’ or ‘you’re just a little bit chubby, nothing wrong with that’. Well, fat, chubby, obese, it’s actually al the same for me, ‘not thin’. And it’s not just that I’m fat, I could go on and on about al the thing bothering me about my looks or personality. But I never do, I don’t want to complain, this is the first time I really write down what’s bothering me, talking about is not even an option for me. I know people are going to tell that I shouldn’t feel so sorry for myself, that I’m being a drama queen or whatever. They won’t understand, I’m not going to try and explain.

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