• (I love your journals, acoustic lullaby. :)) I need a life. I really do. It feels like when you're young and you feel like you can do anything, but in reality, you're just wasted flesh. I get myself depressed a lot... If you put me in a room, alone, with absolutely NOTHING else in the room (save for a chair for me to sit in), in about an hour or so, I'd be crying. Wouldn't say or do a thing. Just sit there and cry. I went to the beach earlier... I should be happier... At the beach I saw a family of little chipmunks or sand squirrels or something of that nature. They were scampering around in the dunes as my mom and I drove down the small road leading to the beach. We stopped and melted over their cuteness, noting how adorable they look standing on their hind legs, then moved on as they scampered away. I guess that's where my happiness became drained, after using it all on the ground/sand squirrel/chipmunk things. Hm... I need a boyfriend. Or at least some more friends. I made an ass of myself in PE today... I fell on my ass in front of everyone and then got hit in the face with one of those hard-ass, bruise-your-knuckle volleyballs. Every time I play volleyball, I always get hit in the head (or one whizzes about a millimeter away from my head.). Is that saying something? Hm... I've never been in love. Sure, I love my parents and relatives, but that's family love. I mean... romantic type. I've read other journals on here, I've heard other things, I've overheard girls in the hallways at my school saying, "Oh, he's going out with her" and "She said she's going to..." Last year, a girl and I were talking. We weren't real close friends or nothing. Somehow, the conversation starting leaning toward sex (not like that, you sick fuckers), and I told her I was a virgin. Nothing wrong with that at the FUCKING YOUNG AGE OF 13. She immediately whipped her head around with a look of shock and disgust on her face. She wasn't disgusted that I had said it, but rather that I was a virgin. Roughly quoted, she said, "Really!?... Oh, man, we need to get you a boyfriend or somethin'..." ...What?! *scratches head* Uh... Am I doing something wrong? I had unfortunately started to hang out with a group of kids that hadn't been brought up quite right... Every kid I the group (Of maybe 5 or 6 people) either had a Girl/boyfriend, had had sex before, or was raped. Or all three. But, I got into a fight with a girl in that group, and she said I wasn't her friend anymore. Sigh... I lose many friends just because I say the wrong things. The story: It was gym class and we were losing badly. She was on my team, and was slacking off. I'm competitive, and was getting pissed at all of the people not playing. Now I realize how much of an idiot I was. I said something to her, she said something mean back, I threatened her (not real harsh like "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!", but rather something else... Can't remember...). Later, at lunch, she announced to her friends (and me) that I had threatened her and was no longer her friend. I had apologized about 10 times before that, practically crying, saying I was sorry. But, she didn't budge. One of her friends said she would have hospitalized me if we had gotten into a knock-down-drag-out fight. I quickly and sheepishly slinked away to sit alone in the cafeteria, and they didn't bother to come after me. I sat there and cried. All because I had said the wrong thing, six people now hate me. Most of them are in High School now, but that still haunts me. Hm... I don't think I can stand to be around someone for that long for them to be considered a 'boyfriend'... I just don't like people all that much. I don't want to kill people or anything, I just don't like to be around people unless the occasion is something enjoyable or they're people I know and love. Also, appearence really DOES matter at this age... I'm not exactly Miss America. I mean I'm not ugly... but I'm not beautiful. All of the girls at my school that are thin, have a clear complexion, wear make-up, and talk a lot all have some kind of boyfriend. I never talk. Ever. EVER. This is practically the way I can get across my feelings: Writing. I dislike makeup because it's a bitch to put on (and it never really stays on for more than a couple class periods, maybe.), and I always look almost exactly the same, no matter how much I put on. I have close to a full figure for my age (kinda). I guess I matured quicker than my other classmates. I have some meat on my bones, I'm not super skinny like some girls in my school ;) but I'm not overweight... Why the hell am I decribing the way I look on a place where all sorts of freaks can come and look at it?!?!?!?! Also, guys do this stupid thing with me. I'd just be sitting in the court yard or library, minding my own business, when a guy would walk up to me with a mischievious grin on his face. He'd say, "Hey! My friend wants to go out with you!", and then you'd see a group of boys behind him, one of them backing away from me, shaking his head and laughing, along with all the others. I'd glare at the boy and turn away, disgusted, as he'd tap on my shoulder, repeating, "No! Really! He wants to go out with you!" By that point, the embarrassed boy whom he was trying to 'hook me up with' would drag him away from me and proceed to beat the tar out of him, while every one of the boys would be laughing (even the one getting the tar beaten out of him). Why do they do that? It's happened, like, six times to me. Assholes... Whoo... I gotta wrap this up.. my journal page is getting too long... So... yeah. After thinking it all through, I have come to a conclusion: Fuck love. I'll deal with that later... be glad for who you are. Don't even DREAM about looking like the women in magazines and shit like that, unless you're anorexic and are willing to get a boob job. Fuck what other people say, fuck the haters, do what feels right (as long as it's legal). Boys will be assholes, just keep looking. If someone decides to just break you off from a friendship over a stupid argument, they were never really your friend. Again, acoustic lullaby, love the journals ;D Keep them coming, please! Damn... did anybody read this thing this far?

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