• Today started off under par again. I woke up at 5 this morning to find Stephen still playing his game (since last night at 10, he's ridiculous). I got him to come back to bed and then he wanted us to stay up until work because we would only get another hour or two of sleep. I wanted to sleep but I was going to try staying awake. We had the TV on and we were going to look at Boxers online, but he fell asleep! So I just went to sleep and woke up 2 hours later when my alarm went off at seven. Knowing that Stephen wanted me to wake him up so we could have breakfast, and also knowing that he wouldn't be able to wake up, I just set the alarm for 7:30 and dozed for another half hour until then. Showered, which felt lovely because, like usual, the house is only cold in the early morning, and hopped back into bed for my fifteen minute snuggle with Stephen before I had to get up, get dressed, and drive to work. Somehow I managed to get out of the house early enough to grab coffee AND fill up my gas tank without being more than a minute late for work at 9. Printed the reports, drank my coffee, bought some crackers so I could take my pills. Read an email from my mom and cried for a while in the bathroom, partly because I feel sorry for myself, and partly because I disappoint myself daily. For my lunch hour today, I went with my dad to get my oil changed at the Honda place and we got a chance to talk for a while about a bunch of stuff. He basically told me that I can't spend my entire life thinking about the choices I should have made because then all I'll be doing is regretting my life and being disappointed in myself forever. He said that instead, I need to just learn from my mistakes and move on from them, and work on making the best out of my present situations. It makes sense. Cher said the same thing. Do things that you think are right, and then when you are older, just say "Shit, I shouldn't have done that" and let it go. I suppose I could try that strategy for a while, but I live with so much self-afflicted guilt about things I should have done, things I meant to do and forgot about, choices I made and then regretted soon after, and on and on and on. I'm going to try to make smart decisions, and when I make the wrong decision, I'm going to try to move past it and get on with my life without letting the past depress me. I hate having to stop being a kid, but I chose it and I guess all I can do now is stick to it.

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