I Think I Might Have Killed the President

It all started last week when I went on a date
She was beautiful, blonde hair - I picked her up at eight
I decided to take her to a magic show
My mom said I shouldn't, but what does she know?
"A lobster for my lady friend, cooked extra nice,
And some amaretto afterward would be just right.
Thank you, garçon, this is gonna be magnificent.
Oh! The lights went down, time for the entertainment"
A magician took the stage and sawed a lady in half
I could see her legs - so fake, made me laugh
Then they asked for a volunteer from the audience
I hid my face - no way, leave me out of it!
Next thing I know, my girlie's volunteering for me
She tells me she thinks "men on stage are very sexy"
So I play along, and go up on stage
Hoping that the stunt will get me... ya know!
So now they want to hypnotize me
They'll ring a bell and I'll cluck like a turkey
I say, "Yeah right, do your best.
This whole thing is faker than Pam Anderson's chest"
Big laugh from the audience, they loved that joke
Then appeared the hypnotist in a cloud of smoke
"At the count of three and the sound of a bell
You'll close your eyes and be under my spell
Ready here we go, one two three ding!"
I opened my eyes and... nothing!
But wherever I looked, the crowd wouldn't stop laughing
What had I done to elicit this reaction?
Now hold on y'all, this is the beginning of our story
And I promise later on, it's gonna get gory
So parents, grab your kids and tuck 'em off into bed
Because, I think I might have killed the President!

One week later, I haven't seen the girl since
And I get to school and we're having a field trip
"Class participation is a must"
The sign said Washington DC or bust
First thing on the agenda: the reflecting pool
And it made me remember that America's pretty cool
Then off to the White House for a special tour
Our guide was very knowledgeable in American folklore
She told us about Lincoln and George Washington
And even let us go into the room that they smoked pipes in
"Time to go downstairs," she called the elevator up
It arrived, I heard a ding!, and felt my eyes shut
I awoke on the floor, the walls felt all curvy
I was soaking wet and my stomach topsy-turvy
I was covered in blood, holding a knife - I dropped it
I looked around, I was in the Oval Office!
What had I done? I couldn't remember a thing!
But then some memories came back to me
I remember finding the President, and stabbing him in the neck
Then, cutting him into little pieces and stuffing him in his desk
Oh me oh my, I didn't mean to!
It must have been that hypnotist and his evil voodoo!
Now, some things are bad, like not paying your rent
But, I think I might have killed the President!

Well it's been a year now, since that fateful event
I framed a hobo to take the cops off my scent
And every time I hear a bell I stab someone in the face
But besides that I'd say that everything is going great
Please learn from my story, don't be a fool
And never let a Communist hypnotize you
Or you might... kill the President!
Out!