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I think this song is beautiuflly executed. Its just so deep, meaningful, passionate, and just.. breathtaking. It sorta has a personal meaning to me, but not in a "I'm gonna cry cuz this made me remember" sorta way. Just that I can relate. Ya, I used to cut. I'm blessed that I resolved myself with God before I took it any farther than I did. I didn't do it as much or for the same reasons as a lot of people. I didn't have the guts to use the dull serraded steak knife, thought someone might notice the nice sharp knives missing, and we didn't have any razors, so I used my old scissors. They were pretty dull, so I had to slowly rake the blade across my skin, pressing down as hard as I could. Then I would go over the same spot until I saw blood or just couldn't do it anymore. Then I'd move to another spot on my arm. I did it almost every night for about a week or two until my coworker noticed and made me stop. I pretended to be ok for another two weeks, but went right back to it, only on my thighs where no one would see. If you count by how many scars it caused, i did it about 20. I don't count by how many times I dragged the blade across my skin... That would be a lot. Most the time, I hear people say that they cut to feel something, or to relieve the emotional pain they feel. something to that effect. I didn't do it for either reason. I just hated myself. a lot. I hated being imperfect. And I saw every little imperfect thing I did and felt like I hurt everyone all the time. I always felt guilty and sorry and depressed and I just wanted to stop hurting. others and myself. I wanted to punish myself. I didn't want to relieve the pain, I wanted to inflict as much as possible. even after I cut, I would rub or scratch the cuts to make it hurt more to remind me of the pain, of my imperfections, of everything I'd done wrong. But in a weird way, I'm ok with all that now. Cuz its over and gone and its just a part of me now. Its in my past and thats not who I am anymore. I still hurt. I still go through the motions and get depressed and confused sometimes. But hey, I'm human. Thats what humans do. Because we all sinned, we hurt. Its the way things go. But I think that thats what this song is about. Its about how she got through her dark time by realizing she's not alone. Like at the beginning she feels alienated from God by what she's done. She almost feels like a stranger, but she's trying to say she's not. She's trying to get back. but she's still hurt and the tears still fall and sting. She wants it to stop, but she feels like she needs to cut to feel ok, to not feel numb. And then the "I may seem crazy or painfully shy but these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye" rings especially true. I really can relate to that. She's tired of being treated like a freak or like she's the crazy different one that everyone looks at funny. And people are always all shocked and hurt when they find out you cut, like you should've told them or talked to them about it, but they're always treating you different anyway, and they just prove the point when they freak out and treat them like you're disable after that. Like with me, i'm so used to the ones i love the most trying to decide things for me and giving me that dissapointed look when i don't decide what they wanted. Like i'm not good enough for them anymore. and i still haven't told most of them about it, over a year after the fact. Just cuz you get afraid of that judgemental "i'm dissapointed in you" look or how they'll treat you different if they knew. and ya, a lot of people do hide it. who wants to shout to the world, "hey i (used to) hate myself and cut myself to make it feel better. see my scars?"? But you can see in their eyes that they're not ok, if you just take the time to look. I think the whole point of the song, though, is in the last bit where she changes it to past tense "I fount it when I was cut" like she made it through the night; she doesnt' need that anymore because she's realized she's not alone and God helped her through that. Anway, thats my take on it... wow this is long. I haven't really gone this in depth into it to anyway. I hope this helps someone out there. Its only human to feel alone. but there's always Someone who understand what you're going through. one more little note: people always seem to think Christians are so perfect, that they don't have any problems or they don't feel pain. Wrong! getting saved and putting your trust in God doesn't mean you won't feel pain or that you're automatically going to be perfect. cleansing you of your sin and healing your scars takes time. It doesn't mean you won't ever hurt; just promises you won't ever have to go through it alone. :) |
