Name

This is a beautiful song. I understand that it has personal meaning for the writer. I respect the writer for pouring out his heart and soul and putting into this song and doing this tribute to his sisters. But, like all good art, once it goes out into the world, what it means to the artist means nothing. It is all about the beholder's perception based on his/her experiences and where he/she wants to go.

For me, it makes me think of my soul mate and the tragedy that surrounded us and still haunts me. I was living in Florida at the time and started a new job as a bartender at a restaurant. She was a waitress there, and as soon as I saw her, I knew I never wanted anyone else ever again in my life (I'll call her by her middle name, Aria). She had the darkest, most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, along with the darkest hair as you might expect from the offspring of an Italian father and Iranian mother. I was instantly smitten.

I soon found out that she was living with her boyfriend, who was a petty thug, a drunk, and abuser. I had no idea how someone so beautiful and full of light could be with a first class jerk like him (I'll call him Sanchez). I made it my mission to save her from him.

We flirted around the restaurant for a few months, and I tried to gain her confidence and trust. I was patient and eventually she confided in me that she wanted to get out of the relationship with Sanchez, but she did not know how to do it. She was estranged from her parents (because she was living with Sanchez), and had no money or any where to go. I told her I had a spare bedroom at my apartment, and she came home with me that night. She never used the spare room, however, and she never went back to Sanchez. She stayed in my bed, but she told me that Sanchez had physically assaulted and raped her and wasn't ready for any more than having me hold on to her at night, which I gladly did. Just having her with me was enough. That's how it was for a few months, and I did my best to be kind to her and patient.

Aria was afraid of Sanchez, and rightly so. She quit her job at the restaurant to make it harder for him to find her. I promised her I would keep her safe. She started taking acting classes and said she wanted to move to California. She wanted to be an actress and to put the past behind her. I told her I would take her there. I knew I was in love with her, and I think she was learning to trust me and in doing so, she was falling for me.

Three months after she first came home with me, she made it clear to me she wanted to start a life with me. She had about thirty little tea candles lit in the bedroom and had on a beautiful white silk night gown. She held my face in her hands, kissed me like I had never been kissed before or since, and told me she loved me. I told her that I loved her too and we made love for the first (and last) time. I remember one moment where the candle light reflected in her eyes. It is the most beautiful moment of my life. That image is burned into my brain and will never be forgotten.

We talked for hours afterwards about going to California, our dreams, hopes, getting married, and kids. We talked about the future, not the past, laying there, youthful, naive, vulnerable, and naked. The candles burned out one by one, and eventually there were none. So much hope, so much love. But beauty never lasts.

At about 5 in the morning, not long after the last candle burned out and we had just started dosing, a brick came through the window in the living room. I jump up to see what was going on, and Sanchez was climbing in the window with a pistol. He shot me first in the leg, then the abdomen. When I fell, he stood over me and saw I was still alive and conscious. He looks me in the eye and shoots me in the chest. He goes in to the bedroom and shoots Aria in the heart, instantly killing her, then shoots her in the head for good measure. He then kills himself with a single shot to the head. I had failed my promise to protect her.

After two months in the hospital, 7 surgeries, and two years of physical therapy, my body healed. My mind, however has not. I wandered the world aimlessly for many years, spending time in the Caribbean, Australia, China, and Europe, a man full of guilt and looking for something that could never be found. I worked odd jobs when I could, slept with a lot of women, and lived off the kindness of strangers. I tried hiding my pain (or was I searching for Aria?) in bottles, needles, joints, and in women. It never worked. I always had the pain as soon as the high wore off and I never found her. I did some stuff I am not proud of. I never hurt anyone, but drugs really can mess you up.

I'm in my 40's now, and I'm sober and have been in therapy for years. A few years ago I met a woman who I eventually married. But she is not Aria. Aria was my true soul mate and the only one that ever really wanted to be with. My wife is usually sympathetic, but clearly doesn't want to hear about Aria. I understand that. It's not fair to her, and I know it, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I love my wife, but it seems that it is more out of convenience or obligation. It's hard to explain, and even if I could, and I don't think this is the place to do so, and this is about Aria, not my wife.

After that night in Florida, I never went back to that apartment. A friend of mine cleaned it out and put everything in boxes. I had those boxes in storage for a long time and never touched them until last week when I started going through them. I can't really say why. It's been over twenty years now, maybe I just figured it is time. The first thing I saw when I opened up the box was the night gown she was wearing that night. Somehow it survived because most of the stuff in that room had been covered with blood and incinerated. A silent witness to both the most beautiful and tragic moments to my life. A symbol of the beautiful person that was Aria, the last thing she wore. Or perhaps it was a symbol of me, dirty, dusty, but still recognizable. I put it back in the box and closed the storage shed. Maybe in another 20 years I'll try again. Maybe I never will. I know I will never get rid of the boxes. The scars have turned to wounds again with that first sight of that gown. Years of therapy out the door. Just like me, I have no idea why that gown survived.

How does all of this relate to the song? We were both orphans, estranged from our families, we grew up way too fast because we were both on our own too young. I didn't want to tell anyone her name because I thought Sanchez might find her. Reruns are my life. I replay that night constantly in my mind, the good parts and the bad parts. I hear the word "beside" in the song instead of "inside," and she laid beside me every night for those 3 months, hiding from Sanchez. Scars, I got those souvenirs, no doubt about it, some you can see, some take getting to know me to see. She lost herself when she was with Sanchez. She had a draft of a letter to her parents unsent asking for forgiveness and reconciliation. The moment past by twenty years ago, but I still can't turn away. She got to be a star, not a Hollywood star, but a bright shining star in heaven. Our dreams together got tossed away the moment that bullet hit her heart. With a few exceptions, most songs about lost love sound cheap and and overdone, or "tired." I still think about her all the time and I know it's lonely where she is without me, but we will be reunited one day. I always heard the line about not needing the same as "I need the same" and was surprised when I came here and saw it as it was written. I need to know that she is watching over me and I believe she helped me many times in spirit when I hit rock bottom. She has to be thinking of me. To me every line in this song is about Aria, nothing more, nothing less.

Even though I only knew her for half a year, I miss her more than I can bear sometimes, even after all this time. I have a hard time getting through this song every time I hear it, as thoughtful and beautiful as it is. I love it anyway. It hurts and heals at the same time. Thanks to John for writing it and thanks to the GooGoo Dolls for performing it.