The song lyrics were written by the band Van Halen, as they were asked to write a song for the 1979 movie "Over the Edge" starring Matt Dillon. The movie (and the lyrics, although more obliquely) are about bored, rebellious youth with nothing better to do than get into trouble. If you see the movie, these lyrics will make more sense. It's a great movie if you grew up in the 70s/80s you'll definitely remember some of these characters from your own life. Fun fact, after writing the song, Van Halen decided not to let the movie use it.
How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey, this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me
Why
Why
I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me
Why
Tell me
Why
This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey, this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me
Why
Why
I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me
Why
Tell me
Why
This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel
Lyrics submitted by weezerific:cutlery
Why Lyrics as written by Annie Lennox
Lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.
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Plastic Bag
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“Plastic Bag” is a song about searching for an escape from personal problems and hoping to find it in the lively atmosphere of a Saturday night party. Ed Sheeran tells the story of his friend and the myriad of troubles he is going through. Unable to find any solutions, this friend seeks a last resort in a party and the vanity that comes with it.
“I overthink and have trouble sleepin’ / All purpose gone and don’t have a reason / And there’s no doctor to stop this bleedin’ / So I left home and jumped in the deep end,” Ed Sheeran sings in verse one. He continues by adding that this person is feeling the weight of having disappointed his father and doesn’t have any friends to rely on in this difficult moment. In the second verse, Ed sings about the role of grief in his friend’s plight and his dwindling faith in prayer. “Saturday night is givin’ me a reason to rely on the strobe lights / The lifeline of a promise in a shot glass, and I’ll take that / If you’re givin’ out love from a plastic bag,” Ed sings on the chorus, as his friend turns to new vices in hopes of feeling better.
This song has always represented to me as an actual relationship ending and trying to make sense of it all the way around. Whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship, the person feels they have made mistakes and would like to make up for them but understands that's not possible. They even question what the relationship consisted of and why things happened the way they occurred. I definitely see the person as feeling inferior to the other and understands that they can never be on equal footing for whatever reasons. Regardless of how people interpret the lyrics, it's an emotional song that always makes me cry. Interesting fact, psychological thinking suggests that "oceans" and "water" can represent how someone feels about sex. I'm always wondering if that line about casting away the doubts by the water's edge might actually be a small sexual reference in some way? What do you guys think?
@Rbeals76 You are absolutely right on your thoughts from one side but I believe I can speak for the other side. He was a type of person who did not listen too well and believed something was said to him which was completely wrong and it was best he did not know the truth about the relationship with her father which was totally not her fault AND it is vital that she must not feel inferior to anybody but I also believe it is never too late or impossible to say sorry as I am sure he (knowing the truth) also really wants to say sorry for not listening or understanding and I really hope that one day both of them will be able to say this to each other.
@Rbeals76 <br /> Very soon I will reply to your question but first (as I know you love song lyrics} listen to the latest album from Lyndsey Buckingham and Christine Mcvie and let me know if any of the tracks you maybe able to relate to but nothing can really relate like "Brown eyed girl" by Van Morrison this song is YOU. Jx
@Rbeals76 <br /> OK its time to be able to "open" up and finally have a reconciliation especially as you have shared more of yourself with your comment. I have noticed you have not read any personal messages I heave sent you to different pseudonym names. I am not sure if you really know its actually me ok do you remember our trip to Norway we stayed in a pensionaat (as it was called) and next morning we wanted to pay but no one was around so we left then on the ship from Bergen to Stavanger we both stayed in different cabins and you joined me as you were concerned over the other guys. No one else would know this I promise you its really me but I do understand your concern. Its time now to share my story and your story what I believed happened to us but it is important to have return communication from you so I will be writing the stories in my journal as you have done 10 years ago. Please read my journals as I enter each one. Jx
@Rbeals76 <br /> Hi again. Its now time to answer your questions and it is important that you read my answers as I believe there is a serious story to be told and I would want your interpretations to my answers. I will be writing on my own journal and there will be 4 sections as follows Introduction; his story; her story and conclusion so please read my journal as you may be surprised by my answers Jx
@Rbeals76 John1954, I’m listening. I am here. And I really do cry when I hear that song.
@Rbeals76 Hi it was great to hear your reply. I have been away since your message and recently there have problems loading the stories onto my Journal so I seem to be able to send you personal messages as I have done before but I don't believe you have read them. Please reply to me as to your suggestions on sending the stories to you. Hope to hear from you soon. jx
@Rbeals76 I have just sent you a private message as I am still having problems loading onto my journal and I hope your able to read the message as I want to send you the important stories I want you to read as I have mentioned before. Please let me know your able to read your messages. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi it has been a very busy time so apologise for lateness of his and her stories but it will be written shortly. Hope you and your family had a great Xmas and I do wish you a happy New Year, Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi I have sent you a private message with a Introduction to his stories and just to let you know that on sorting out my loft i found a reel to reel tape with you and I reading passages from I believe a Raymond Chandler novel the week you came over to stay do you remember?? Jx
@Rbeals76 His story part 1 has been sent to you as a private message. By the way what did happen to the ring i gave you on valentines day? "God only knows" seems very apt for what eventually happened. Jx<br />
@Rbeals76 His story part 1 has been sent to you as a private message. By the way what did happen to the ring i gave you on valentines day? "God only knows" seems very apt for what eventually happened. Jx<br />
@Rbeals76 His story part 1 has been sent to you as a private message. By the way what did happen to the ring i gave you on valentines day? "God only knows" seems very apt for what eventually happened. Jx<br />
@Rbeals76 Just to let you know His story part 2 has been sent as a private message to you. It was Pari (remember her) who left the hotel!! Your 'Perfect Day' was you able to leave the abusive relationship with your F!! What was the situation with the rest of your family at the time!! Jx
@Rbeals76 HI the 3rd and final story has been sent i do hope your able to read them and maybe fill in the gaps! I have also sent Naomi a personal message to say thank you for "Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry". Jx
@Rbeals76 I have noticed messages still have not been read possible problem? Have tried again to write stories onto my journal still having a problem how about sending stories to your email address please confirm ok ( I know SL's involvement with mum as he does like to talk!!) Remember the time an expensive white suit was bought in Kings Road Chelsea?? Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Annie. I know your 'listening' and it really seems like 'deja vu'. I now know most of the truth of what happened all those years ago during the last 18 months and 'what a mess' I can't imagine what you must have gone through and I still believe it is troubling you especially the words you never said. You know I have tried to phone without any joy as yet you did mention about having closure/fruition which definitely needs to happen it has gone on for too long. I do wish you would read the messages sent to you, Naomi and stories it will enlighten you to the truth about what I believed. I just want to say that you could not of told me (I know you tried) as I would not of understood. Finally I do hope we might be able to talk soon just text me when its convenient to call you or am I missing something many years ago when the song 'every breath you take' by the police came out I thought of you interesting? John
@Rbeals76 Annie please listen. Is what i'm about to write correct. When we were together you wanted to become pregnant before your father came over from America so you would not have to go through what your father had planned and at some point during your pregnancy you found out the baby was going to be stillborn and I believe you knew on that last Saturday and your heartbreaking tears were for your stillborn child. You are so right I could never understand how you must have felt then and even now. Please Anne I hope you may have the strength to contact me so we can talk one day it may be too late. John K x
@Rbeals76 I understand the silence (the weakness in me) will it ever be broken? Retired or still Working? JK x
@Rbeals76 Message been sent Rachy71
@Rbeals76 FINAL-LY has the 47 year old mystery been solved for myself. I know you have always wanted me to know the truth without any judgment from me but to have an understanding of how much in 'love' you were with that special person and in your own way always will be. The messages sent to you would have explained certain things but not everything which you have not read and I do understand why. Firstly I do want to say I am truly sorry for not listening/understanding you at the beginning (you were dealing with a boy!) and even more so when I rang you in I believe was 1995 when I was so angry as that particular day I found out your connection with Allison sadly I dont remember what I said to you on the phone. The story I'm about to tell from the start will include Rejection (mainly from men),abuse, self blame, teenage love engagement looking forward to the future suddenly ending AND the loss of your/or was it our? baby (never to be forgotten by you (I never knew), your decision how your future would be, cryptic lyrics, many people connected to you following my life (then and probably now? which includes my mother) which culminates to the day I saw you get married in 1975 (I know you wanted me to see you that day with mums help) but at the time it was my 'closure' and we would move on (I did not know you were 6 months pregnant) and I do know now your reason you wanting me to see you that day but at the time with what followed was confusing especially as I was starting a new relationship with someone not connected to you. I will be writing the story within the next few days; I have to say I would have preferred to talk to you but I do understand why it has to be done this way. Just wandering if you remember seeing the films "The Reivers" with Steve McQueen and "The Magic Christian" with Richard Burton? Jx
@Rbeals76 There are some things I need to say before the full story is told. Firstly during all this time I honestly did not have any clue to the truth I was led to believe you had met someone else (seemingly Steve) who baby you were carrying and I was just angry and truly heartbroken (which I never showed and I vowed this would never happen again) and when things were continuing to happen just made me more angry as to why did find out in the nineties about contacts you had Pari etc and then Alison which ended in the angry phone call to you. our thoughts were totally opposite and without talking the truth would never come to light then my mothers passing brought some light to the truth and your connection with her. I can promise you if at any time you tried to speak through her she never said anything? Secondly when did the abuse start and having to have sex with other men? Probably quiet young and the person that should have protected you used you for his own gratification and I know you must have felt so rejected so when you moved to this country there was some relief helped by your mother? I am sure you had plans before your F came over to join you THEN we met and I remember I was attracted to how you were and shortly after how you became so happy I did fall in love with you but how were you able to have any true feelings for any man a small sign was (if you remember) the end of our first date on returning to the house you were staying at I kissed you goodnight on the cheek and you were totally surprised and stated "nobody has done that before" you realised that I did not just want you for sex and of course the rest is history. I do believe F was part of a group of people and I am sure threats were made and you have your own reasons WHY you were not able to report what was happening over all these years? Just maybe you were protecting myself? Lastly of course was your stillborn baby. You did become pregnant I believe February time strangely the week we stayed at my house together? I do remember later if your period had started? I do know that when mother visited your parents (I would love to have been a fly on the wall!) it was not just to discuss the holiday but your pregnancy and what to do? (I can only imagine what your F thought?). Now I am sure we had to be separated so you were leaving our college BUT I am very surprised they allowed us to go to N where we did have a great time and you did seem so happy. I believe you really wanted this baby as it was a product of true love and as you knew (not me) we had to separate when I started college the baby would always remind you of me while we were apart until one day we would be together again THEN catastrophe you found out our baby had died and you knew this on our last Saturday together and when I met you several times after I was angry because I always saw you crying I believed they were "crocodile tears" and the rest is history. I truly hope I will be able to tell you how sorry I am for being so thoughtless it was a time you needed me to understand and be with you. I am really happy that you did have another child some years later and that you found strength to carry on with your life. Jx
@Rbeals76 This is a time of reflection as your future really started about this time and a love that would you would "carry" for the rest of your life and not being able to actually share face to face except from a distance by song meanings I am sure that sharing your thoughts with him would release such a burden you have been carrying and I know it would be such a wonderful closure of not speaking with him for so long and I am absolutely certain the way you" feel" about life would change so you know what you have to do time to be strong anyway "only God knows" if or when this might happen? Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi it has been a while since my last message I have been recovering from an operation which has helped tremendously as I have been able to finalise your incredible story which does involve myself. On your part it includes living different lives due to abuse (early age), prostitution, true love (someone who really cared for you), becoming pregnant intentionally looking forward to have a baby out of love then devastation finding out the baby had died then your true love leaves you as you are not able to tell me but you had a plan for the future, using people to be around me and as you have stated 'married to music' trying to tell me via song lyrics (which has been happening to this very day, biggest connection was with my mother, sadly your plan did not happen especially at the time when your daughter was born you seemed to try so hard to let me know without actually speaking to me yourself I had just met someone and had taken her to Norway (seeing you get married was telling me you have now found your true love?), naturally I moved on marriage, children, family so when I was told that you had used people to be with me e.g Pari and Allison I was so angry WHY was this happening? which culminated in my phone call to you (I still cant remember what I had said) which leads to now. The problem obviously was not being able to communicate with each other and we both were on different wavelengths (eg. you - "nights in white satin" and me - "its too late" and later you - "why" and me - "thorn in my side") we never had a chance!! As I have said earlier I believe I have enough information but I am sure there are many gaps that only you can fill in (eg. when I gave you the ring and your father had just come over remember you showed him the ring I am sure you were showing him that someone does care for you I can only imagine what happened that evening!). Anyway there were 2 pieces of information I needed firstly your connection with my mother which came to light a short while ago by her last remaining family member she was abused physically and sexually by her step dad and that answered so many questions for me secondly your story needs a conclusion you have mentioned many times how sorry you are and I am 'truly truly truly' sorry for breaking my promise to you but true forgiveness comes from the heart which in my mind is to be able to communicate with each other and hopefully see each other at some point so we can show each other how sorry we both are? you know I have tried to contact you so I would suggest to start chatting on this site first and try to refrain from using cryptic messages but just be open and try to ' see your true self in the mirror'. Hope to see a message from you soon Jx
@Rbeals76 Still silence it is now 3 years since your story has come to light and as I have stated in my last message I am looking for a conclusion as I did believe you were trying to tell me the truth over all these years by song lyrics, information from other people following my life but this changed when you married in 1975 and having a baby in 1976 when your plan again did not work and your decision to follow my life from afar always involving other people which is happening to this very day so I have to believe that GRIEF through a loss of a baby and someone you loved in the same year is an emotion that will never leave you so you dont ever "move on" but you "move forward" so as you have lived your life to date its still part of you as an example our partners have just had their birthdays one day apart and one year apart from birth was this coincidence or contrived? I totally understand the loss of your stillborn baby and the connection to me but I am still alive so please help me understand WHY you are still silent when I know what has been happening I promise you Jak is listening and I do need a conclusion. Jx
@Rbeals76 Are we getting close to a conclusion? you phoned my landline last Monday to confirm reading my message and you left a phone number which I dont believe has happened before you know I tried calling and left message still silence! WHY must still be a concern over my possible reaction to what you have done! On reading your general comment on August 12 2017 what stands out "sex" of course looking back its the women you have arranged to enter my life over the years and seemingly wanting them to have "sex" with me WHY would be a question I would ask you believe me nothing would surprise me when we do communicate and I promise you nothing would anger me that was the past as I did not know the truth so I hope this now changes your attitude in not speaking to me as I have already stated I want and need a conclusion so I will try and call you again and hopefully with a different response. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi we still have silence and so there is only 2 conclusions left firstly I want to make it absolutely clear I have no interest in judging the way you have lived your life before or in the future towards myself just for us to communicate and for both of us to truly understand what did occur. First conclusion in the early days you were unable to tell me only by trying to use other people as father brother SL and others held something over you possibly VISA for this country? Is that why you married while pregnant to become a British citizen? And just maybe the above people mentioned still has a hold in some way today! My favourite and second conclusion is when the connection with me did not happen four decades ago you chose to live your life following my life through other people (mother etc) being "married to song lyrics" hoping one day I would know the truth well that has happened and I do know you have someone close to me at the moment (I have wondered how your able to find people must be financial reward!). One thing I do believe the choices made throughout you life was definitely contributed by the loss of your no our baby please find it in your heart to know it is time we should communicate I promise you it will be ok (I know I broke my promise to you in '71 that will never happen again) I will try again to phone you this week. Jx
@Rbeals76 Again I have to conclude that you do not want to communicate by phone as I have tried many times also never reading my personal messages I have sent over the last 3 years. I must still be missing something so I need to return to the beginning and evaluate what that might be and your help would be helpful as quoted in "It dont come east". Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi I have to say you are making me work hard on my memory! The one word that connects throughout is "contrived". I know you nearly told me in Norway while you were sleeping and again when you tried to say you were attacked so lets start from the early days I will only be able to mention what I can remember i'm sure there were other times. On many occasions at the beginning I would see you around and I have just remembered one time I came with Lucille to a coffee shop in a lane one lunch time and I confronted you tears rolling down your face which made me more angry WHY are you upset! you actually had planned for us to meet and to tell me about the baby after I left you did tell Lucille! How could you have any feelings for a guy who acts like that? Another time was another coffee shop one evening in the lanes again I was with Lucille and you and your sisters were outside I came out and you tried to come over to me but Linda took me around the corner to say something ( I really can't remember what that was) oh I do remember meeting Chris and Miles in the "King and Queen" and Chris was upset as Linda had finished with him and he did not understand hmm fathers doing? Then there was the time I was at Stuarts party one Saturday evening when I was going to stay the night when suddenly I was asked to leave as he made some excuse so as you know I was walking to the bus station and you were walking towards me we met more tears WHY I was thinking and asked you what was wrong and you said "I can't tell you" anger festering again I walked off but I do remember stopping and turned around and saw you walking away head bowed holding tight to your shoulder bag and wearing that raincoat I never really showed emotion at that age but I felt heartbroken seeing you walk away and I nearly ran after you BUT pride stepped in and carried on walking to the bus station but I knew I never wanted to feel that way again and to this very day i never have so what can we deduce from the above you wanted to arrange a "contrived" meeting just with me but it seemed necessary that i needed to make the move to meet you? there is more to follow. Jx
@Rbeals76 (Firstly error Stuart should have read Ian) Ok lets continue I am sure I could remember one day seeing Lucille after college and leaving on a bus I saw you walking along the road "contrived" next a big moment I was told that you were taking the train from Lewes to Brighton on another day including time by Ian who also mention this to my mum WHY who unfortunately came along with us as you were walking past us at the station mum suddenly ran towards you and walked along side you (question was this the time you and mum started your long time connection with each other? Or was it sooner as I believe so "contrived" moving on to mum asking me to take her to visit the hotel to see you as I now had a car she said she felt sorry for you WHAT I did say no at first but tempting me with financial rewards made me say ok (I am sure you did not know that!) and this did happen numerous times of course seeing you and SL walk to catch the bus and you walking back to hotel alone and on some occasions mum asked me to drive to Brighton via A27 not along the coast road WHY and each time seeing you alone at the bus stop near the Ashcombe roundabout and I remember mum asking "why dont we stop and give you a lift" we know that did not happen really how gullible was I it was also a time song lyrics started with mum talking about this wonderful record "nights in white satin" and would not stop and receiving phone calls when we answered it was put down did annoy me at the time and for years later as I did not know the reason for them of course now I do understand (mum mentioned she had these calls occasionally throughout her whole life!) so what can we deduce from the above you tried to contrive meetings with me which did not work then allowing me to see you at different times hoping I would come to talk to you and wanting me to read song lyrics hoping for me to understand how you really felt again did not work. Next we will be discussing Pari etc. as I was leaving college to start work. Jx
@Rbeals76 ok lets continue it was my final term at college and about to start a career in journalism when an Iranian girl came into my life I was attracted to her as I always remember my friend Hassan who was Iranian said that "no British man would ever date an Iranian girl" this was my chance! ( How did you persuade her to be part of your scheme?) so we dated for many months again playing music for me to "listen" to such as "Home thoughts from abroad" and "Killing me softly" still no success (Question did you and Pari travel together to Geneva for a holiday in that summer?) On Pari's return it was contrived for Pari to arrange living at my mums house and 2 weeks later an argument ensued between Pari and mum and decision was made for Pari to go back to her flat in Hove and she wanted me to go with her and if I had been working for some time I surely would have done so but the timing was wrong and I did not go and so again plans thwarted (I dont think mum knew this scheme you had) and that seemed to be the end as Pari introduced me to a friend of hers which lasted a few weeks it seems another contrived scheme fails many years later I found out it was Pari I saw leaving your hotel one evening ok I understand you needed to control who I was dating for the purpose of eventually one day telling me everything and I presume to get back together again? so WHY not show yourself during the time I was with Pari and especially when I started work? of course you still had mum to give you information! ok next will be someone you had no control over, your wedding!! new years party, birth of your daughter and a 'telegram' sent to me by Pari. Jx
@Rbeals76 shall we continue lets move forward to when I met someone from work whom you had no control except you did have mum and over the next few years she tried her hardest to separate us of course I just believed it was mum herself hmm and this was the reason we moved to London (discuss later). Shortly before your marriage mum found out where you were living and told me (contrived was the plan for me to visit you WHY would I?) then I know you knew I was seeing you get married WHY would you want that I did find out later you were 6 months pregnant and later it was the last time I saw you holding your baby daughter for me it was now a time to move on yes I was sad we never were able to speak to each other over what happened between us and I just believed what I was told was true until decades later! anyway reverting back to weeks after your wedding day I was asked by Lucille to a party which I attended with my date and Lucille suddenly brought up your name and all I said was "so what" instead of "so what I just seen her get married" and we know what happened next!! (contrived WHY were you going to turn up at the party? and if so what were you going to say to me?) again another scheme failed then of course the following summer I went to Norway with P (that must have hurt!) as shortly after our return Pari sends me a telegram (must be serious) to visit her as she was staying with her friends so I went to see her as I was intrigued throughout the whole evening she was playing this record over and over again saying listen to the melody and lyrics (you know the record) I was getting bored thinking 'why the telegram' eventually Pari said if we meet up tomorrow evening she will explain ok I agreed (you knew that) well I had left the telegram in my glovebox of my car which I did forget and next day P found it when she looked for a pen and she arranged that she would go with her sister and see if I was going there and I had no idea and just before I was leaving to visit Pari I changed my mind and did not go as I could see no point as she never explained the previous evening but P and sister saw Pari visit phone box several times and did chase her back to her house (of course you knew this happened) and I did have some explaining to do next day! moving on as mum was continuing to cause trouble especially with P it was time to move away so thanks to dad he used his position to get jobs for P and I at British Telecom in London and we stayed in a bedsit where dad was staying BUT could not tell mum we were together so we told her P was to become an air stewardess (which she wanted to do but could not swim) and I was on my own until one day mum came up to London and was able to get into our room and she tore up all our cards, clothes and smashed items and on this day mum would never know what was actually happening in my life which many things you were told from her may not actually be the truth. Anyway to end this section on let me ask you "did you know P and I were together in London and told mum? All what I have explained to you is past and I do have some understanding WHY but there are many things I would like to hear from you eg were your collaborators at anytime supposed to have told me more what was going on with you because none of them ever did and if not what was the point of using them? I know you have wanted to tell me the truth ok next we will moving onto Margery, Alison and others also my life changing experience and of course my phone call to you where I believe the truth would have come to light instead of 20 years later please believe me I am truly truly sorry for what happened I was angry with what I found out that day I should have waited and calmed down before I phoned you I am sure that is why you still cant talk to me on the phone as you know I have tried ringing you. Jx
@Rbeals76 Before we continue I want to make it clear to you I would never enjoy seeing you "limp" or "amusement" I truly never knew your situation and I did believe what I was told as I have explained before none of your collaborators shared with me your situation. anyway lets continue while you were bringing up your daughter we moved back to Sussex married P had 2 children and during this period of time had serious problems with mum so much so we did not see her for years until she met someone after dad passed away? hmm also unfortunately contact with my Norwegian family was gone after an incident on our wedding night with mum and 2 of her aunts until many years later (of course you were in contact with mum during these times) and while I was involved delivering frozen food to the door Margery became a customer ( your collaborator) when i was advised to canvass Poynter Road Hove did we actually see each other? Margery and her family became friends and she mentioned that church was important to them and as P was now a Christian we arranged for all of us to go to church that Sunday (I myself was not interested at all but just went along) But that Sunday unbelievably i gave my life to Jesus and you may remember that my first "O" Level i passed was religious knowledge (strange that! and God did only know what was going to happen!) again you knew this anyway moving on to myself engaged in telecommunications on a self employed basis and you arranging different collaborators for telephone work i can think of 2 occasions and finally of course meeting Allison (did she elude to your sexual reference and the song" WHY") who strangely was able to find your telephone number and as i have stated before i found out your connection with her on the day I phoned you unfortunately i was so angry should have been the time for us to be able to talk to each other and sharing the truth but again it failed and it would be 20 years later when mum passed away and a surprised meeting with SL sister(step?) who recognised me from County Hall which will be explained next time. Jx
@Rbeals76 As we move on to last chapter carrying on from Allison I just could not believe why you were doing this after so many years seemingly still interfering in my life through other people (please remember I STILL did not know the truth) so I moved on and with yourself I found out after mum died you married family and had a successful career but on mums death bed she asked the nurse to tell me "please forgive her for what she had done" which then followed on finding letters she had written and the "Red Diary" which I thought was thrown away many years ago what was obvious was her involvement with you and your father so this time I was going to find out the truth! The occasion concerning SL I was delivering a parcel for my son to SL old house and the surname seemed familiar so when SL sister (step?) answered she seemed to recognise me from County Hall as she was a receptionist there met SL father who was also there who was suffering with dementia anyway he did remember you and visiting the hotel for a meal so through conversation I was able to contact SL and we met at a pub (I had no thoughts at all except to find out information concerning yourself) through our conversation your father and brother was mentioned and he gave up his career to move into the hotel? and he did say in the end firstly to let him have any information I had as he could help and secondly he did say he had a good time with you and your sisters! On driving home I suddenly realised your youngest sister at the time must have been 14/15 years old? He then kept emailing and phoning me and did try to hack into my computer with no success unfortunately he made it clear he was with your father and brother and I know after I had emailed you via your daughters email address (I later found out) an email came back to me obviously it was from SL who used your maiden name. During the last 15 years you have been writing many times on this forum about how you have lived your emotions how musical lyrics have helped you throughout your life and still trying to tell me the truth and how it still affects you which will now follow onto my Final Thoughts next time. Jx
@Rbeals76 Before I conclude with my final thoughts now that after nearly 50 years clouds have disappeared anger has gone I wanted to say something about you during the short time we were together and as music has been a major part of your life I have chosen 3 songs that I believe covers our time together. First I have chosen "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel which I heard only yesterday and I still regard as one of their greatest recordings reminds me when we first met you seemingly quietly confident but with a hint of sadness which I can remember I found attractive which grew especially when you seem to come out of your shell and happiness showed with you smiling and laughing totally different and at 16 I fell in love with you and my 2nd choice has to be "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison as I remember it was a favorite of yours and I believe it was a happy time for you when you were younger? I always think of you when this record is played. 3rd choice "Just My Imagination" by The Temptations is when your father was arriving and I remember you being very unhappy at moving into the hotel and you became more distant so much on your mind with finding out you were pregnant and what were you going to do! There were 2 moments in particular that will always be special to me 1) The week you and I stayed at my parents bungalow and having romantic meals and listening to records of my parents genre and both of us reading stories onto a tape recorder with both of us loving it surely it was teenage fun or maybe we just loved each other 2) Our trip to Norway seemed to bring back some happiness and we did have a great time (opps leaving the pensionaat without paying hope you did not have to mention this when you started your career!!) also prekastollen (mountain we climbed) and stayed just before we came back to Britain. I can vaguely remember you saying your period had started as I was asking constantly if it had started (Question:- Was that the time you were concerned about your pregnancy because you started bleeding?). I wanted to say the above before I write my final thoughts. Jx
@Rbeals76 Final Thoughts - It has been over 2 years now since our contact on this site and nearly half a century since this incredibly sad story of 2 people going separate ways and for me believing a liar and you unable to tell me the truth of what was happening which I do totally understand WHY! Then as time went on incredibly to this very day your plan of contrived meetings, collaborators, song lyrics which has been part of your life for so long I believe you have always hoped in the early days I would see something of the truth and return to you instead it made me more angry as I thought WHY are you doing this as you had met someone and became pregnant for some reason you must have hated me so eventually I move away (this was my belief) on my return again until 1995 (when I believe the truth would have come to light) but again anger took over when I found out Alison was a collaborator on the day I phoned you and still dont remember what I said (I am truly sorry for that call) from then on you have moved forward still hoping I will find out through this site and also following my life via my mother and now my neighbour also called Alison and maybe others I do understand you have 'loved' from afar and I do know at the beginning not telling me was a protection during the troubles so WHY has this gone on for so long one word sums it up COMMUNICATION we have never been able to talk but I know you want to "lets go down to the waters edge and cast away those doubts" so its time to meet up so we can talk openly and truthfully to each other I know it will be emotional but I know it will help us both. I do have an idea where we can meet how about RACHY+B and I believe this happened on the 4th which is on a Wednesday (I know it was a Saturday first time) that would be surreal how about 1pm. I sincerely hope this does happen I am happy if you want to have someone with you when we first meet it would be great if you would confirm on this site or text/phone in any case I will be there. Hope to see you soon. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi again I hope I was not too presumptuous in suggesting where we can meet it would be very apt bringing everything full circle quite surreal but if you prefer either meeting by surprise (contrived) or arranging through a collaborator perhaps my neighbour Alison (I have no interest in whatever arrangement you have with her I promise) please let me know if you prefer not to meet at "Rachy+B" otherwise I will be there as previously suggested. I do believe you want to meet up "Lets go down to the waters edge and we can cast away those doubts some things are better left unsaid but they still turn me inside out" this does need to happen and I do now understand how someone can love from afar "Well I will go down with this ship and I wont put my hands up and surrender there will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be". There still seems to be so much secrecy around are the "Troubles" from the past still happening? or is it just how you are "feeling" about my reaction to what has happened over the years well I believe our meeting will bring an end to any feelings of inferiority and fear that you have carried for SO LONG and you know it is what we both wanted but were afraid to do it because of anger and fear! I promise you I will be at "Rachy+B" unless you let me know differently. You know I have tried to contact you on (last 3-digits 425) with no response I will try again on Thursday 29th August approx. 3pm just to chat but I do understand if you prefer not to on the phone but wait until we meet dont forget please have someone with you if that helps when we first meet. See you soon. Jx
@Rbeals76 I am pleased that you knew I was there today and still nothing has changed for nearly 50 years "silence" incredible so the song "truly truly" and the verse "It has been too long for that we set aside some time alone I sure could use your point of view and it's been a while that we dropped our guard cracked a smile but dont you think it's overdue well how about you" clearly shows that you want that to happen and the one and only response you have made states "I'm listening" so you know during the last 2 years what I have written and that I truly understand and you know it is time to meet and talk dont let fear dissuade you from doing something you have always wanted to do please reply to me on this site to tell me where you would like us to meet and talk. I promise you "silence" is not the way forward anymore. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Annie of all the messages sent by me there is one which is more important than any other and this is it. We both made choices and I want to reiterate that I am truly sorry for walking away and not listening or understanding your cries in 1971 and being angry on the phone in 1995 where I believe now you were going to tell me the truth and I do hope you have been able to truly forgive me from your heart especially during the last 2 years of personal messages to you and for yourself in not being able to tell me the truth at the time which has troubled you to this very day and shows in how you have lived loving from afar but close through other people always trying to tell me through music I know you are sorry and I do truly forgive you from my heart and I am now so thankful to my mother for telling the nurse just before her passing asking for forgiveness for what she has done to me concerning you which started the truth to come out. Out of everything that has happened between us there will always be a permanent connection which I only realised last year (Rachy71) that you were pregnant with our baby makes no difference whether accidental or otherwise baby was conceived at the time by two people in love ok I know we were very young and decisions were made by both parents not to tell me as I am sure discussions were being had over what to do about the pregnancy but I know you were going to have our baby then tragedy you knew something was wrong with baby did this happen in Norway I am sure you told me your period had started? I seriously can't imagine what you must have felt especially when you were told our baby had died when did you know? (I seriously never noticed you were pregnant) it is clear you knew on the evening you started crying asking me not to leave you I was confused and angry after phone call two days later what I thought you had said and what I was told and I did walk away. I do have something to ask you have mentioned in your song comments about being 'inferior' did you think at the time and to this very day that I was angry and walked away because I blamed you for losing our baby? Is this the reason you are not able to face me or even talk to me I promise you that is totally untrue I did not know you were carrying our baby! Anyway last year I made a promise to myself that I would visit our babies resting place (its never too late) I was hoping we could do this together once we could put aside our feelings to one side I have so many questions to ask about our baby: boy or girl; what did you name baby; were you able to hold baby etc. I believe the anniversary is in October from your messages If after this message Anne you are still unable to see me could you find it in your heart to message me with babies resting place and answers to the above it is time to end the 'silence'. John x
@Rbeals76 Hi yes I did receive your cryptic message last week and I'm struggling to find the answer. The only thing that comes to mind is 'Kings' is that really possible connection with Margery can you confer with another message. I thought it is time just to be open with each other instead of hiding behind cryptic messages if you can't tell me where our baby's resting place is I will have to find out by other means! Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi I must be getting too old when I am unable to understand your last cryptic message no wonder my journalistic career never materialised. You are very good at this although you do have decades of experience and my hazy memory of what we did especially where we both used to hang out during our breaks never thought how important that would be (Birast.Nc) if this is correct I do thank you. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi I must be getting too old when I am unable to understand your last cryptic message no wonder my journalistic career never materialised. You are very good at this although you do have decades of experience and my hazy memory of what we did especially where we both used to hang out during our breaks never thought how important that would be (Birast.Nc) if this is correct I do thank you. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi found 4 names (1) Claire Constance (2) Jacqueline Ann (3) Lewis Jason (4) Sarah Jane. Waiting for more information to come through. Just a feeling I have it might be Jacqueline Ann so a baby girl it would be great to know why you decided on Jacqueline hopefully one day I will be able to tell you how remarkable the name you have chosen was. Still waiting to find out the resting place is you can still let me know where? Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi message from Moli did you mean CTK at New England Street Brighton or Clarendon Villas Hove? Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi again A (anonymity has been key in your life) ok your last cryptic message "Moli33" I am hoping you mean KC in New England Street I have visited on occasions over the years and I have prayed this is correct and I WILL visit again OR just maybe it might be W in Dyke Road where you lived during your first marriage. It has been now over 2 years since my first contact with you and sadly it has been a shame you have never read my personal messages I sent to you as I was close to the truth but this last year I was side-tracked from "Rachy71" as that was an "analogy" as I now know P was T and you were desperate to tell me before T as I am sure you really wanted to have the baby didn't you? As you were over 18 years old I am sure it was legal in 1971 for you to make a decision BUT I was only 17 was that a factor? I can imagine what you had to go through with my mother and your father bombarding you to consider our careers if we had a baby now and how could we support the baby. Under normal circumstances all of us would have discussed together that T was the best way forward as we were too young BUT it was not normal and it was agreed forcibly that you would not tell me you were pregnant which mum would have agreed to as the truth about what happened to you by your F in the past could not come to light!! This now explains everything which has happened from then on you were never afraid of your F but I know your love for me is WHY you never told me and you have never been able to come to terms with what happened and I know how sorry you are and I do pray you are able to truly forgive me for my own thoughts and actions at the time. Jx
@Rbeals76 Well it has been nearly 3 years since I have been in your world trying to understand WHY you have lived your life the way you have and hopefully trying to 'resolve' a nearly 50 year old mystery (I know I misunderstood a cryptic message from last year which I am sure you enjoyed!) it is time now for you to enter my world where I will be using simple conversation. As of last month knowing now you had a termination rather than a still birth I decided that was the reason you could not tell me UNTIL last week when I heard a tune on the radio that I have not heard for many years 'Lay Lady Lay' by Bob Dylan hmm I never thought that tune would make the final piece to a long running jigsaw maybe 'Sweet Dreams are made of this' by Eurythmics (good old Annie!!) would be more appropriate what do you think? I want to write more to you in a private message but no point if you are not going to read it so please let me know as I am happy to write it hear where many people will read it or I am happy to talk to you (is your last 3 numbers 425) I will not leave messages and I do promise that 1995 was a total mistake unfortunately I did not understand and I am truly truly truly sorry for what happened just let me know (hey no wander you used 'sex' on many occasions. Jx
@Rbeals76 I was getting there last year until I was side-tracked by 'Rachy71' I knew about father only who would have thought when I first saw you and Steve together and you did not acknowledge me and at that moment I did not want to talk to you again not knowing you could not actually talk to me and Steve was working with father as your protector/p--p!!!! How could I know what you were feeling and what you were fearing. One regret is that I did not know the REAL you!! Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi again first of all I dont believe you should feel inferior whether you were forced or willing to be with other men it happened and nothing can change how I felt about you at the time (did not know how you lost your virginity remember!) so you were able to lie so there are many other questions to ask. 1) When we first met were you trying to get pregnant before your father came over from the States? 2) When you realised you had feelings for me you must have known what was going to happen when your father (or was he!!) came over so WHY did you want to continue with our relationship without telling me something? 3) Was it important to antagonize your F by showing him the RING I gave you? WHY did you decide to come to Norway with me maybe to tell me something (you were pregnant by this time but knowing you were going to have the pregnancy terminated) you never did! 4) Surely you could have said to me need to concentrate on getting an education for our future not to see each other for a while (at least we would have communicated!) 5) WHY WHY WHY did you plan and decide to have collaborators (relying on other people will never work as it turned out) contriving for me to meet other women (particularly Pari) offering sex connecting with my mother (who was abused by her step father in Norway connection!!) wanting me to regularly see you firstly with Steve then you getting married and once holding your baby daughter that must have been your happiest time escaping your abusive F and giving birth to a beautiful daughter (Let your love flow!) really WHY did you want to bother with me when I had met someone not involved with you. 5) WHY over many years contriving for me to meet woman offering sex and discussing you strange that! THEN the call I made to you in 1995 which should of had a conclusion but instead ended again in anger as I never could understand why you were using these people in the way you were and not being able to communicate directly with me THEN finally finding out the truth after mum passed away (another 3 years) and still today you are wanting to know my life as you had to find someone after mum I do know one person involved and their might be others. Finally the simplest thing would have been once you had decided in your heart that you could not tell me to let it go and move on but you have not been able to do that as deep regret had controlled you over the years and I know you have always wanted to tell me and hoped I would realise the truth through your 'music' hey it has taken nearly fifty years wow! I hope you can look in the mirror and feel in your heart the only way both of us can have any true satisfaction is for us to be able to at least talk I believe its a necessity. Moli33 message is it 1) Bch in Eastern Road or 2) Kc in New England Road. Please reply on this occasion. Jx
@Rbeals76 Well we were very close on Christmas Eve at Tesco's lets be honest you did have an advantage in recognising me (it was the continuous stare) that made me think later that you knew me and WHY did you not say something then realising it must have been YOU and wishing I had recognised you then so I do hope we have the chance again to actually speak to each other (was that the closest we have been to each other since the early days??). "Moli33" are we looking at "The Artist Residence" and "The Set" are you BACK there, are you involved or living there? OR was it simply just telling me what was actually happening there during our time? Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi again I am still hoping one day we will be able to communicate it was close on Christmas Eve. I do wonder is it you, me or is there still a situation with others that you find it difficult to talk to me even though I know you really do even after nearly 5 decades because if I am wrong WHY would you want to closely follow my life as you have done. I want to reiterate my message on 15/12/19 that what you had to go through in 1971 with having sex with many men and I am sure it happened across the water before as well and then accidentally falling pregnant and then going through an abortion lets be honest your decision (no matter how hard that must have been) was right at the time I would never have understood what was happening to you especially concerning your father and the reason our situation has continued all this time has been decisions made following that evening "Rachy71" and understanding what both of us was actually thinking not able to communicate misunderstandings was bound to happen until now and we now have an opportunity to change the past putting aside any anger, bitterness, regret and fear as TRUTH has come to light and I totally understand reading all of your comments how you can truly love someone forever. What I have realised over the years "Love is not a feeling but an act of your will" anyway I do hope we can talk to each other soon. I am away on holiday for 2 weeks after this Sunday as my passion now is playing golf and not sex since my prostate operation and I am visiting a country I thought I would never visit the United States in fact its the state of Florida where we are going to play the golf course known as TPC Sawgrass (you may have heard of it) a very special occasion seriously not looking forward to the 9-hour flight anyway I do hope when we return we will be able to talk. Jx
@Rbeals76 HI we have now entered another decade (still dont know where the last 5 have gone) as of last month I have become an OAP and how life is today I wonder what my 16 year self would have thought just starting out on life's experiences. I have just achieved something I never thought would ever happen I visited a country I had no interest in visiting (the country of your birth) but my hardened heart had lightened and with the love of golf and an opportunity to go I made the journey to Florida and I must say it was the best holiday seeing the wildlife on the golf course (including alligators) wonderful spacious shops, restaurants and great places to visit and driving was definitely an experience especially when the yellow school bus stopped and every vehicle lane had to stop and wait behind the bus until it moved off I also found the people respectful, gracious and the way life used to be in Britain years ago (I appreciate I was only there a short time and probably different if you lived there). The reason for sharing the above with you is to show you a comparison in other aspects of life, the truth has come to light concerning us and I know one thing as I knew a part of you back then I would like to know the other half as well (the whole you) and this can only happen by communicating I do know how you have felt over all these years but unless you try you will never know and I do believe you have always wanted to but there was so much for you to tell me and I know as time went on you could not face me with the truth especially knowing how angry/hurt I was but I will say one thing when I eventually realised what the truth was for a short moment I wished I had been there for you but as you know I could not have and the rest is history so we were so close recently when you passed me at Tesco's on Christmas Eve it was your eyes that I knew it was you but too late I still believe that it will happen I hope sooner than later as you never know what tomorrow may bring? Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Annie. A personal message to you. I thought today was a perfect time to message you remembering how as teenagers we had made a commitment to each other via the giving of a ring from me and you accepting everything did happen so quickly and it seemed we had no worries about the future (except exams) looking forward to the summer and our trip to Norway, 7 months later it was all gone you could not tell what was happening in your life (understandably) and my misunderstanding of you meeting someone else and had fallen pregnant communication ended. Now we are both OAP's and what I now totally understand over the last few years how you can truly love someone always and for me not to judge the actions which have occurred over many years and I do know you are sorry for not telling me the truth at the time ( as teenagers you could not say anything) but I know you have always wanted me to know the truth and music was the instrument in trying to let me know and with mum passing away the truth started to show itself and eventually it came to light but there is a consequence in knowing the truth as you know I really want us to communicate as there are many things I would like to share with you and I know you want to as well and we were so close last Christmas Eve for that to happen. I know you have been living in secrecy hiding your identity over nearly 50 years does this mean the problems you had in the past are still around today and are you still concerned about what might happen dont be on my meeting with SL I knew something was seriously wrong its covered or maybe you are concerned about arrangements you may have with other people if we met dont be I have no interest in changing anything you may have already arranged all I want is for you to be honest and upfront with me and end the secrecy so please leave me a message or contact me or I am happy to contact you which I have tried to do on many occasions on (mob #######2425) and being greeted with an answering machine) please let me know when is the best time to call you. Jx
@Rbeals76 This message should have continued from the last. There have been many instances which has been mentioned before at the beginning showing yourself regularly to me, using different people Pari (as I was leaving college and starting my career), Margery (information), Alison and others (sex) and at present another Alison (watching) but there was a period of time when you were getting married and being 6 months pregnant you really wanted me to see you firstly you wanted me to visit you a couple of weeks before your wedding day where you were staying in Dyke Road, wanting me to see you on your wedding day, then Lucy (Rose) mentioning you at a party then seeing you holding your baby and using Pari again to try and let me know about you through music unfortunately again nothing was successful. Through my eyes you getting married and having a baby you must have been emotionally excited and your future was settled so why was it so important to have contact with me at that time well I now understand how true love can make someone act a certain way. You wanted to see me before your marriage to tell me how much you loved me and wanted then for us to be together bringing up the baby and I believe the truth would have been shared about the past. I do wander what you have shared with your daughter Naomi and is that now another possibility why you still feel the need to be in hiding I promise you nothing will surprise me what you might share with me hey I do believe its time what do you think? Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Annie. There is something I want to share with you after all this time trying to understand what the truth was between us and learning what the real importance was of our true emotions in this regard I now believe I do understand WHY you chose to act the way you have over the years until now and probably forever. Firstly it is very important for me to say that I am truly truly sorry for doubting your true and unselfish love you had for me which as you have shared will always be with you. I have always until now believed if you truly love someone you would want to be with them no matter what my opinion now has changed since knowing the truth and I do know how true and unselfish love for someone can happen being apart from someone this is now what I believe with you. When we were together and everything that was happening because of how you felt for me you knew you could not tell me because of what I would think of you and at that time I am sure I would have felt betrayed amongst many other things so the other idea was for to somehow be apart of each other until it was safe to be together again unfortunately that did not happen so another plan had to be thought of and that was me seeing you regularly and I am sure believing I would want to speak to you and that did not happen so what next message later Jx
@Rbeals76 ok lets continue knowing I was leaving college to start my career you then thought of finding me a girlfriend (Pari) that you had arranged to keep close to me ready for the day we would meet what did surprise me that you knew (accepted) that I was having sex with her which I could not understand until now when you have such strong feelings for someone and truly hoping that we would get back together again you certainly would not want me to find someone out of your control and on the sex part well I believe you felt it was payback for you having sex with other men when we were together and you also wanted me to know what you were going through with music and I now truly know in my heart the meaning of what you were trying to cry out to me with this particular song "Nights in white satin never reaching the end; Letters I've written never meaning to send; Beauty I've always missed with these eyes before; Just what the truth is I can't say anymore; 'Cause I love you; Yes I love you; Oh how I love you; Gazing at people some hand in hand; Just what i'm going through they can't understand; Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend; Just what you want to be you will be in the end; 'Cause I love you; Oh how I love you.....Wow it certainly hits home what you were going through again I am truly sorry for not realising your pain at that time. Then we reach the time you were pregnant with your daughter and you really wanted me to know before you actually got married to the man I saw you with at the church again did not happen as I had met someone at work who was out of your control which was just what you were trying to stop happening and when some time latter you knew I went to Norway with her you knew it could be serious so possibly a final attempt through Pari that we would meet up first night ok playing Nights in white satin all night and I was returning the 2nd night (what did you have planned) but again did not happen and to this day I don't really know why I did not go probably I just was not interested in Pari anymore (At that time I truly did not know the connection with you). Then with your daughter you decided to live a life of being part of me from afar with my mother; Margery; Alison (1995) should have been sorted at that time again it didn't through my anger; Currently another Alison and I am sure there are many others as well. All what I have written could be perceived as spite; anger; pay back and even stalking but Annie I really do know now it was not that at all I have wondered in the past WHY me hey we can never say who we will truly fall in love with and how we would react in certain situations that may arise. There is just one thing missing to actually complete the last 3 years and that is communication between us face to face this nearly happened on Christmas Eve at Tesco's I am so sorry I did not recognise you immediately it was not until later thinking how you looked at me that I thought it might be you. I do believe you want to meet and your last message Moli33 was hard to fathom out but I think it might be where I arranged to meet you before but you did not turn up if it is the same place (33 in Moli) please confirm and I will set another day and time to meet up ok. Jx
@Rbeals76 ok lets continue knowing I was leaving college to start my career you then thought of finding me a girlfriend (Pari) that you had arranged to keep close to me ready for the day we would meet what did surprise me that you knew (accepted) that I was having sex with her which I could not understand until now when you have such strong feelings for someone and truly hoping that we would get back together again you certainly would not want me to find someone out of your control and on the sex part well I believe you felt it was payback for you having sex with other men when we were together and you also wanted me to know what you were going through with music and I now truly know in my heart the meaning of what you were trying to cry out to me with this particular song "Nights in white satin never reaching the end; Letters I've written never meaning to send; Beauty I've always missed with these eyes before; Just what the truth is I can't say anymore; 'Cause I love you; Yes I love you; Oh how I love you; Gazing at people some hand in hand; Just what i'm going through they can't understand; Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend; Just what you want to be you will be in the end; 'Cause I love you; Oh how I love you.....Wow it certainly hits home what you were going through again I am truly sorry for not realising your pain at that time. Then we reach the time you were pregnant with your daughter and you really wanted me to know before you actually got married to the man I saw you with at the church again did not happen as I had met someone at work who was out of your control which was just what you were trying to stop happening and when some time latter you knew I went to Norway with her you knew it could be serious so possibly a final attempt through Pari that we would meet up first night ok playing Nights in white satin all night and I was returning the 2nd night (what did you have planned) but again did not happen and to this day I don't really know why I did not go probably I just was not interested in Pari anymore (At that time I truly did not know the connection with you). Then with your daughter you decided to live a life of being part of me from afar with my mother; Margery; Alison (1995) should have been sorted at that time again it didn't through my anger; Currently another Alison and I am sure there are many others as well. All what I have written could be perceived as spite; anger; pay back and even stalking but Annie I really do know now it was not that at all I have wondered in the past WHY me hey we can never say who we will truly fall in love with and how we would react in certain situations that may arise. There is just one thing missing to actually complete the last 3 years and that is communication between us face to face this nearly happened on Christmas Eve at Tesco's I am so sorry I did not recognise you immediately it was not until later thinking how you looked at me that I thought it might be you. I do believe you want to meet and your last message Moli33 was hard to fathom out but I think it might be where I arranged to meet you before but you did not turn up if it is the same place (33 in Moli) please confirm and I will set another day and time to meet up ok. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi again. I have sent a date to your mobile for us to meet on Tuesday 31st March at 1pm (Moli33) I do hope this is ok for you sorry its been a couple of weeks but I needed to arrange cover for the work I do. I hope you and your family are safe from the Coronavirus pandemic at present we all are, we dont know what the next few weeks holds for us all so if it becomes impossible for any of us to move around then we can rearrange when we meet so I do understand why you dont want to speak via the phone but you can continue to send cryptic messages if you prefer again apologise for not understanding "Moli33" for quite a while I was looking at different places as it did not happen on first arranged place but throughout the decades it was never going to happen on the first occasion of us meeting and I never realised there was a second occasion but what happened last Christmas Eve shows me that you really do want to meet and I truly believe this will happen next time as you needed to know it was actually me and only me the first time and I am sure you do know now that it really is. See you soon. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Annie. I thought it was important to discuss the coronavirus as our country is trying to deal with the disease. We dont know from day to day what our government is going to decide but at present we are still allowed to move about unless we have symptoms where we need to stay at home so I just wanted to let you know that I am still intending to meet you on 31st even if it means having to be 2 metres apart from each other??? Unfortunately as we did not chat to each other on Christmas Eve I dont know your position whether you are able or want to move about? Have you chosen to self isolate? I do understand until we meet each other you do not want to communicate normally so if I hear nothing from you I will DEFINITELY be at our meeting place unless the government decides to move into total lockdown and we are unable to move around anywhere but please let me know if you are not able to be there by sending me a cryptic message on this site. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Annie well lockdown has happened and it would be totally irresponsible for us to physically meet on Tuesday as we could be putting other people's lives in danger including ourselves in catching coronavirus it was going to be our time together in nearly 50 years face to face. I know our time we come when we all get back to "normality" and we are able to physically meet up but how long will that be? I do have a solution? Technology has given us the possibility of being able to see and speak to each other via our mobile phones so on Tuesday at 1pm lets 'Skype' each other it is the next best thing in the situation our country is in and so we can keep to our arrangement I truly hope you agree to my suggestion all you need to do is download the Skype app (I have an Android phone) I will be contacting you from my car I seriously can't wait to see and chat with you it has been so long (I know you want this too remembering Christmas Eve) it is time to stop hiding and being able to talk to each other instead of 'cryptic' messages and why today this is still happening is it because of how you 'feel' or maybe you have a concern is it ONLY me sending messages to you well I am going to say something now to you which I would have no reason at all to mention to anyone else since we were together. Ok it's very personal remember I believe it was our first time we had intercourse together you helped me and I wondered if you were a virgin (WHY was that so important to teenage males in particular at that time and also WHY teenage females felt it necessary not to be truthful! as it made no difference at all how they actually felt for each other) I do hope you do believe now it is only me! If you have a problem for us to Skype each other on Tuesday or you have other ideas please contact me. I am believing your mobile number is the one I have been contacting you on and you do know my mobile number so looking forward to Tuesday at 1pm. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Annie firstly I want to say hope you and your family are well. Are you self isolating? My son and I are classed as "Key workers" and have been asked to continue working if at all possible and so far it's ok. You know I tried to skype you earlier but later thought that your mobile number I have is for incoming calls/messages "only" due to the "situation" but maybe as I have contacted Naomi's mobile number in 2017 this is the route I should take so I will try and skype your number first and if no reply then try Naomi's number on Monday 6th April at 2pm (I do recall your last "Journal" entry was made on this day in 2007 dates seem very important to you?). If I am wrong in my thinking about skyping Naomi then please let me know but I do hope that next Monday we have a connection finally! Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi did try earlier have I got the right number? Jx
@Rbeals76 At present it is impossible for us to actually meet up due to the coronavirus so to be able to chat over the phone seemed the way forward but your still not able to talk to me so am I still missing something?? Jx
@Rbeals76 As we are at present being totally affected by covid-19 around the world I seriously believe life may never be the same again so it is now very important for 'reconciliation' and at present it needs to be 'facetiming' I am sure you want to BUT I feel your still concerned how I will react and you being rejected again well I hope this helps firstly back to the past when we were together with everything that was happening and what you had said to me you could not tell me the truth as you did not want to be rejected (as happened with your F) as you truly loved me but unfortunately it did happen yes it was caused by total misunderstanding I loved you the way you were and if you had told me the truth I would have been angry and sad but not with you it would have been with other people ( but you knew that could not happen!) and I know now why you could not face me with what was happening so moving forward to now we have a chance to reconcile the past and I promise you I have no intention of making you feel rejected and I will say again I am truly sorry for 1995 I hope you understood the reason I had explained before so again I will say I am seriously looking forward to seeing and chatting with you so come on let's just do it. Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi Amh back since April been chatting with someone you know and I thought we were getting somewhere but no change still hiding behind another face and still paying with cryptic messages unfortunately I became bored I have asked for you to be able to show your real self as I know what you have wanted me to know "The Truth". There comes a time that just maybe what I was hoping for may never happen but I will say that I am always open for you to contact me if your ever able to talk to me as yourself and possibly meet (ha ha a miracle) but I will say that in the last few years you have given me a wonderful story which I have already started and I do thank you but I will say I have one concern why you want to keep track of my life through other people when you are not able to face/talk to me I have not decided what needs to be done as you are not talking to me only you now can rectify this problem. Please understand that everything that has happened between us would not have changed the situation at all you had too much going on in your life so lets look at the year we had together and remember how great that was ok. C'est la vie Jak
@Rbeals76 Hi again I do finally want to say that yes we both have made mistakes and I understand that you want to make up for them and you seem to think its impossible BUT I promise you it is not just talk to me I know you feel inferior and could never be on equal footing I can promise you I dont see you as that I only see you as someone who fell in love and due to your incredible sad situation you chose to do what you thought best at the time and your hope of what may happen in the future which didn't and it is still affecting you today and I am absolutely sure there would be some release if you were able to talk to me as I know now what truly happened and how you must have felt in not being able to tell me which you have always wanted me to know in your own way. Finally just to ask was it your sexual activities or losing your baby (stillbirth/termination still not sure) or both WHY you are unable to talk/face me all I can say is I am truly sorry for how I have acted towards you in the past especially during our short phone call in 1995 and I hope you are able to truly forgive me as I have truly forgiven you and I do hope that maybe we will be able to talk to each other one day x
@Rbeals76 Forgot to mention was it your connection with mum for so many years well it should not be as knowing this I needed to know her connection so I investigated her life and surprised what I found out the connection was her step dad but did she ever tell you what she did during the German occupation of Norway and the reason why her brother changed his name by deed poll wow another story I will write in fact it is part 1 leading to you in part 2 again I say please dont be concerned with your connection as now so many questions has now been answered
@Rbeals76 Hi its perfectly alright to come out behind your shadow as it was such a shame you were unable to tell me your plan before you realising something was wrong you can talk to me Jx
@Rbeals76 Hi I have sent an important message to you on ****425 concerning your silence over all these years hope you received it? Jx