Think About It, Pt. 2

If the human body is made of so much water, why do we need to drink more
It sounds excessive

If you don't like eating vegetables, you can eat a vegan
Because they're pretty healthy for you

Here's an awkward sequence. You change your daughter's wet diaper
Then you go have sex with your wife

Do you ever look at a crowd of people and wonder how many still have turds
Waiting to come out

If you also suck at parallel parking in a nearby parallel universe
Then you're a fucking idiot

It would be funny if Facebook suddenly got rid of the Like button
Nobody would like it

What if you had to drive around with your selfies on your vehicle

What would you do if Donald Trump was never elected, and you found him
Squatting naked in your back yard eating cantaloupe

It takes more muscle to frown than it does to smile
It also takes more muscle to tell me that than it does to shut the fuck up

I don't have a foot fetish. I just love you from your head to your toes

Christians used to experience a different feeling when they got stoned
No wonder so many think weed is evil

The only female who ever talks to me is this dead chick through my Ouija board
To get-bud we have to bud-get
I drink just to pee, oh yeah baby
What's up baby girl? Oh, you're a forty year old man? Sorry, I'm feelin' myself today
Have you ever been so conscious of self that you become self conscious
Seeing your reflection in a window is like looking out and in at the same time
Why don't all laundry rooms have coin machines? That would make cents

When cats communicate with each other without having to purr
It's because they are using their whiskers. They whisker softly

If someone too often starts off with saying, "I don't mean it badly, but..." then
Everything that follows is meant very badly

My brother thought it was funny to sprinkle protein powder in the fish bowl
Now my beta fish is an alpha and I'm scared to be in my own bedroom

What if car air bags were titties? Mama's milk saving you again
The thing about hitting me with political correctness is that I can't actually feel it
I love my son and his son's son, but not my son's son
Why not go to the couch, get a little slouch and put it in my pouch
Dude, your ass smells like Stromboli gone south

If you can have faith in an immortal super human, then I can have faith
That my present day cat is the messiah

A walking stick is just a stick when you're not walking
I'm Daddy Danger in this bitch
This futon smells like weed and business
It's normal to feel weak at least once a weak every weak of the year

It's weird how we can call ourselves stupid when we fuck up
In order to help ourselves feel better. But we hate when someone else says it

You hit the jackpot with me because I'm not about the jackpot