I Will

The lyrics are pretty much self-explanatory, but here is my take. This is almost therapeutic to me, which is why this is so long:

This song has so much meaning to me. My best friend and I have been friends for 12 years and I relied on him for everything. He was the one person I could call at 2 in the morning just because I couldn't go to sleep and he wouldn't get mad. I could depend on him to be there for me when I needed him, whether it be to ask a math question or to have a shoulder to cry on. But over these past few years, I started to realize just how much I needed him and just how much he didn't need me. I realized that he only called me when he needed something, not because he just wanted to talk. I started realizing that he really didn't care what I had to say anymore and never took my side on things and overall, just didn't have anything invested in our relationship anymore. But I still held on, even though I knew the right thing to do was to let him go. I'm honestly still holding on, hoping that one day soon he'll call me. I know it won't happen, but I can't let go.

"It's not the end of the world, it's not even over but it will be soon. I never learn my lesson I just change my tune, and no one seems to notice, but you will, you will." -Deep down, I know our friendship ending isn't the end of the world but it is tearing me apart. It's like a divorce in a way because when someone that has been in your life for as long as my best friend has suddenly disappears, it feels like the end of the world. And I should have learned my lesson a long time ago that he wasn't going to call me just to talk and that he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him. Not that it would have saved me any pain, but at least I would have somewhat moved on.

"It's no big deal, but the last thing I think of when I close my eyes, and the first thing on my mind when I arise, it is a day and you're not really in my life." -When someone knows a relationship is about to end, all they can imagine is what it is going to be like to not have that person in their life anymore. How they will have to adjust their ways and how they will have to find someone else they can trust with everything they have because the person that had their heart before completely tore it apart. I think that Brandi is almost being sarcastic when she says "It's no big deal," as in you probably don't give a shit that this is what I'm feeling right now.

"You can try and you won't find it where you're looking. You can hold it 'til it's putty in your hands. And you can't break a heart that wasn't even yours to break, you could never be there for me in the end, but I will do the right thing, I will." -I can keep trying with him, calling him and inviting him places, hoping for something that won't happen, until I have worn him down to where he doesn't want anything to do with me, but I know this is not the right thing to do. I know that he won't be there for me when it's all said and done and I know that he won't pick the phone up and call me, so slowly but surely, I'm realizing that I need to let him go. I'll be the bigger, braver person and let him off the hook so if he is worrying about this relationship and where it is inevitably headed, he doesn't have to anymore. I'll end it for the both of us because it's the right thing to do, no matter how much it hurts

"You're not foolin' me, I'm not the sorta girl who can't see reason. But it's nothing that a little bit of time won't heal. I know it don't come easy, but I love you, I do." -He might think that I don't see the cracks in our foundation, but I do. I'm not naive. I know what I need to do and I know that I will recover from it but it will hurt for a little bit. The "I know it don't come easy" line is kind of random to me but it holds meaning. It hasn't been easy to love my best friend all these years, considering what he has given me to work with, but somehow I managed which makes it so much harder to separate.

"Comin' clean, means never closin' curtains I just change my scene, Oh but you know what I mean and I will learn throughout my life to never lean on what will bend." -Telling him that I need to end this relationship doesn't mean that I am completely blocking him out of my life, but instead I am just moving on to a different place. If he comes back and wants to repair this relationship, then I will welcome him back with open arms, but if not, I won't look back. Eventually I will learn not to depend on someone who doesn't depend on me. I will learn to see the signs of a failing relationship sooner rather than waiting until I am so emotionally invested that moving on is the hardest thing that I can do.

The next verse, where she uses "I" instead of "You" is where she finally realize the relationship's faults and realize that something has to be done and it is up to her to do it.

"I don't think you ever learned a thing from me but I'm sure that you want me to learn from you. You've drawn heavy-handed lines around morality, about yourself and I don't share your point of view." -This verse speaks volumes about my relationship with my friend. He used to be such a carefree person and went along with the flow, but he's changed and has these strict morals that have to be followed or else you're a bad person in his book. He is not open-minded anymore and won't listen to what I have to say or take any new ideas in that I offer. He is set in his ways at the tender age of 19 and won't change for anyone, especially not me. I feel as if the difference between my morals and his morals is what ultimately caused the end to this relationship because we couldn't agree on anything because he wasn't willing to set our differences apart.

"It's been time to let you go a thousand times, you'll never know that it hurts to be the one that you'd regret. I have to say that I am proud to know you, and I'll never be the same because we met. You might not miss this, but I will." -This is the verse that gets me. I know that I should have ended this relationship a long time ago. I've known it a thousand times but I just can't do it. But through it all, I am so proud to have had the honor to know him for these past twelve years and I will forever be changed by our relationship, good or bad. I have learned how to love someone and how to have a relationship with someone on a much deeper level than your standard friendship. I have known how it feels to have someone to rely on, even if it didn't end that way. I would never regret becoming friends with him and if I had the choice, I would do it all over, even if he wouldn't. And even if he wouldn't ever think twice about the end of our relationship, never once missing it, I would still miss it, every day, even if it wasn't the best. How could I not?