Dating Tips

People often ask me
Godforbid they say,
you're quite the ladies man,
what's your secret?

Well,
You too can be swimmin' in women
Afloat in seas of ovaries
But more importantly
Knowing whether behind those pretty eyes
You have a diamond in the rough
Or colored contact lenses and a rough (slipping sound) stripper named Diamond.

Let's recreate the scene: Make believe you're at a table seat
Talking playfully to the waitress at your local place to eat
Way below the apron
Maybelline,
smell of eggs and cheese,
bacon grease,
she's a babe
an 8 at least
You wanna push the plate of quasadillas off the table, and spread them angel's wings,
but you can't say a thing?

If you don't do well with women,
They sell prescription drugs on television
May cause loss of appetite
Malnutrition,
Dizzy spells,
And different bells were ringing,
And that's where I come in and give 'em a little extra help to get 'em

(You can't get)
You see, confidence is key when entering any situation.
(In her pants)
We all have insecurities
So why not build your confidence on the insecurities of others
(But you don't)
Hey, she's gonna (banging sound) somebody
(Give a damn)
So why not you!

The drunker you are,
The easier it is to get laid,
But the harder it is to (boing sound)
You may have to picture what it is this month
Whoever you been thinking of
The girl at the Pizza Hut,
Midgets,
Nuns,
Whatever little miss it was.
And with a little hard work,
A little luck,
If you haven't given up,
Maybe you can get it up!

Now a (poke sound) is supposed to be fun
Instant gratification, a roller coaster
But no one wants to get stuck over and over
Going home to the roller coaster
It's hard to watch your shows
And do your homework
And when the ride you rode is over
It'll cost more than a roll of quarters

(You can't get)
So pull out!
I know how warm and good it feels
(In her pants)
But it's getting crowded round here
Please! Pull out!
(But you don't)
If it's not the one you wanna stay with
You can avoid the face,
(Give a damn)
But not the abbreviation
Taking payments from your paycheck
You can do it! Pull out!

Men have what I call a Columbus Complex
Other people may have been there,
But we still want to feel like we discovered it
So don't tell the number that you done it with
Your summers in Columbia
When you were young and done a bunch of dumber (boing sound)
Rambunctious kids!
Wait for the second date to cuff the wrists
Sponges, rubber gloves, and whips, oven mitts
Now a well trimmed personal area, that's nice
But why's she so ready?
You don't suppose
That she never knows
When she might show somebody?
Now think of that before you go steady,
Or maybe at your own wedding.

(You can't get)
If she's your girlfriend
Leave her alone with your friends
(In her pants)
Now, I don't expect no virgin,
But let ‘em try to screw her
If she's flirting, or she (cartoon feet sound)
(But you don't)
It won't work man,
Get rid of her
And get yourself a new girlfriend
Remember,
(Give a damn)
The currency exchange rate,
At this party she's an 8,
At the club a 7,
At my apartment a 10.
Environment dictates.
The morning after,
She may slip to a three
Cause some things are better just to lust for.

This concludes the introductory segment of the Godforbid self-help collection

Hey, sleep with other races
Help out international relations.

For further behavioral instructions, consult the nearest strip club, and/or liquor store

Thank you, and enjoy yourself

(If it's not the one you want just let it go)

(This is a good country filled with good people. But what good is good? In times like these.)