Asleep

I most definitely relate to this song in a very personal way, and I do have a really special story as for this. The story of my life in fact.

In a nutshell: I had a brain tumor that began to rise when I was about 12, but we did not knew until october 2003. I am 23 years old right now. In between, my whole life had been swept away. When I was a teenager I was fat because of the tumor, and I was bullied to death. I never replied, I always lurked in the library. The principal did not wanted to do anything, I had to cope. And of course having your first love being a girl who jumps on the bullying bandwagon is, how could i say this, not so much fun, and especially when you have to see her everyday for three years. I could not say a word, I did not tel about it to anyone, I would have been bullied to death. I remember my father saying: you're too fat, lay off Burger King! Go do some exercise! He was really mean, but he was fair, for he wanted me to be as good as the other teens. I saw my friends eating pizzas and burgers to no end, and i barely hate a whopper a week, and my father kept yelling.

It was all because of the tumor! :(

Of course, I felt the need to be loved, but in highschool it was hopeless. When I entered college, people were nice, I made friends. I was in computer science, so there were not so many girls. I had say a few in sight. But then, I had to drop out, I was always tired and my eyes were killing me. I had tinnituses since january 1998, eyes photosensibilities, mosquito noise, presbytism extravaganzas since then, which get worse and worse every day. I did not knew I had all this tumor shit! I dropped out because I had terrible anemia. This was in the beginning of 2002.

I planned to finaly find a girl who would love me, but I had to refrain to my house because I was too tired to make any studies. I stayed the same since then, oh god how times flies. And then I lost all my contacts, my friends, I found just a few, who were all in other cities (I live in a minor city one hour from Montreal in Quebec, Canada), either to go to College or to work. All girls were engaged. All friends were at Montreal, I could see them once in a blue moon, but no one ever came to my house to see me, I was alone and suffering.

But I still had a normal life. However, in september of 2003, new medication was given to me and it made myh eyes go berserk. I was so hypersensitive I stayed asleep in my room all day! I had to go to the hospital, and then the tumor was discovered, in october of 2003.

I asked some info on some pills that were given to me. I was nearly like a rat in a cage! People gave me a dozen of humor pills without explaining anything to me, without knowing what they were doing, and it made my senses worser and worser! What a bunch of pathetic excuses for human beings! They enforced this into my throat without thinking when I said I was not sure, that it made me feel bad, that I could be right, and I was all along! :(

Since then, I kept all that crap away, I made searches on google to no end to find explanations on my brain tumor. I had MRIs. The tumor presses on my optical nerves, chiasma, and my hypophisis. And with all the crap that was given like this to me, I had neuropathic pain. No one could help me. I searched alone, I found my way alone, and only recently I have found a way to numb my senses, and if such is an option, go with a surgery. But people here in Quebec (free healthcare systems) try to keep their hands clean, I have to cope with what the system offers me. However, knowledge is power, and I used it to the very best. When I will get cured, I will be a new man, all my senses will be perfect since nothing in my body is damaged. It's just that tumor plus all that shit enforced upon me which ruined my life.

And that neurologist in 1998 who did not allowed me a scan despite me protesting. I would have had a normal life! May that bastard rot in hell for all I care. :(

I have never had no one ever, no girl ever in my life. And i am extremely sensible, romantic, I love women, but I had no one ever. I tried to make a shell, so that they would have to come toward me and she would be right for me. Unfortunately, in high school, I learned only recently that a few girls really loved me, butr with me being the turkish head, they did not wanted to be in the nerds category also. And in College, well I tried to make it slowly, and just when I had the opportunity, I had to stop. I have no degree, I would have to work two years for my degree to get done. And I'm sick of it all. I'm all out of love, I've become quite pathetic. Never had a gf, even a kiss. :(

Since then, the tumor has stayed the same. The pills will take time to work, but when they will work, I will have my new life. Thank god for my intact spirit, and my determination. I would have killed myself as not for that. An hormone in my body is overdosed, which spawned the tumor. This hormone is now normal, the tumor was supposed to shrink, but it did not. So we are all set: either the pills, or the nasal surgery. But I will have my life back. Sicne that hormone is now normal, I have lost more then half my weight, I have taken care of myself, I have become a beautiful young man. Intelligent also, knowledgeable, and caring.

Unfortunately, I am still stuck in my room. Since late 2003, my eyes and ears are so sensitive, I cannot listen to any sound coming from any speaker (except for phone, only as for conversations), and I cannot bear any video, animation, whatever. I was a dvd fanboy, a videogame freak, I read all day! I had so much severe intermittent presbitism, I saw all the little details on the paper and it drove me nuts. I had to give it all up! I cannot go outside to take a walk, I barely go inside and outside of cars for rides. Plenty of fishes in the sea, but I'm stuck in an aquarium, alone in my house! :(

I could not do anything. I had nothing else I could bear but talking, thinking, walking around my house, and talking to the phone. Everything else my senses were too much hurt as for the aftermaths. Only in the beginning of 2004 I did found a good LCD monitor which allowed me to use my computer again. And it still does. Thank god for this. :)

No song, no tv, no video games, no films, nothing in that matter (my retinas get burned to death if i accidentaly look upon a tv screen for a few seconds!), since end of 2003. Can you imagine what kind of life you live, with no friends, and virtually no one to talk to, no one ever who comes to your house, to help you! I am the elder, I see my sister finishing college, my brother beginning it, my other brother who has finished high school I have a 14 years-old sister, and soon she will have as much education as me, who has studied all of his life. And they all don't know what to do, don't care in the end, and leave me to rot alone in my room, except when they need me. But I was tired to me used as a tool, so I kept being excentricized over and over again. So I had no one. My parents divorced, my mother is to busy, is becoming numb, thinking of herself, barely speaks to me. I have no one to rely onto but me. :(

And after reading all of this (this is a nutshell ;), what's the link with the smiths' song asleep? Well, I had heard of the smiths when searching on the internet. I think i have hear them long ago, but i was way too young to remember. I then read all of their lyrics, and I said to myself, god this is me! Damn, such beautiful poetry!

I read everything, and fell in love with the band, even tough I didn't heard anything from them, except having read the lyrics! I imagined what kind of music was played, what kind of voice Morrissey had, and I liked it.

At one point my mother was becoming utterly bitter and comfortably numb. I would try anything to make her feel how bad I had become, she would not react. I then tought of this song, asleep by the smiths. I downloaded it. I never heard it. I told my mom: please listen to it, it might help you understand me better.

She listened to it three times in a row. She went back in tears and said: it's you! It's like if you were singing to me, like you don't want to ever rise up from your bed after such horrible hard-knocks! I was stupefied. Their music made my numb mom gentle again! Unfortunately, it weared out, but it kept my interest.

I asked my mom how morrissey sung like, and she did not knew what to reply. She said something like: the closest I can think of is the singer from Men without Hats. I was stupified, as I always envisioned Morrissey's voice as an high-pitched voice. Think of Brian Wilson with the Beach Boys, or Alan Parsons. I was, how should i say this, dissappointed a little. I kept reading back, and I related to even more and more of their songs, and especially asleep.

Then last Christmas, with all my family gone to parties, and partying around me, my senses forbiding me from doing pretty much anything because of hyperacusis etc, made me jealous and mad, depressed to no end. In the morning, I just said to myself: I need to hear a few songs. I made a folder with my favorite songs, and I listened to some favorites, and I had my favorties from the smiths.

After having hear Voir un ami pleurer by Jacques Brel (I'm french-canadian), I immediately listened to Asleep. Then I heard Morrissey's voice, and it touched me more then anything else in my life. I was striked as I would have like more of a Brian Wilson-like voice. But then, when I felt his deep voice, how I liked his british accent, and style, all with maturity, and just true emotions, I liked it oh so much. I heard asleep, the song I had imagined in my mind a hundred times, for the first time.

It exceeded all my expectations. I remembered it for days. I liked how it was not an angsty song, and not an happyness song, but more like a wisdom song. It helped me go through some of my spleen. I liked the piano, the lyrics made more sense, and the ending. And then, the little melody, oh boy. I related so much to it. It was kept in my memory. I then listened to a lot of other songs for hours. I used the lowest wattage powered speakers I could get my hands on, I knew I would abuse my ears, and I did. Only one week after did the pain stopped from all of this. But somehow, it made me feel more alive. :)

And as for the song, I can relate. With such hard-knocks, constant pain, morbid loneliness, morbid lack of affection, love, and a sometimes not so bright future, you sometimes want to kill yourself. I realised how many times I felt just like Morrissey in that song.

But I'm a wimp. I do not have guts, I don't want to suffer, I never even tried to kill myself. I tried to face it all and be patient, which i still am. I tought that patience would bring me good rewards.

There are nights were you don't want to feel anything, because litteraly, any feeling is just pain. There are nights were you want to die. Some others, you have so much trouble, you'd hope for sweet dreams, and to stay forever in those dreams. Others, you never dream of anything, you hope for sweet dreams. You hope to never get into reality again, which is only pain and mirages.

As for the beginning, sing me to sleep, oh how I'd wish someone sang me a sweet lullaby to heal my wounds, to dry some of my tears. To help me sleep peacefully. And when he says, don't try to wake me up in the morning 'cause I will be gone, well, sometimes people despise you and are very mean, even if you try not to hurt anyone. Sometimes I felt in the song that the message for me was: "help me, wake up! I don't wanna die, help me stay alive!" This was just as for me a wake-up call to my relatives.

Other times, you never want to wake up on your own anymore. Can you imagine how all out of love I am with such a miserable life I'd lived to so far? I'd give without regrets every good I have for one night with a girl who'd truly love me for what i am sometimes. It's incredibly morbid. You try not feel the need to be loved, but are unable to do so. Sometimes you dream of love, but then you wake up alone. Alone all day. You never want to wake up on your own! You want to wake up with your female sweetheart just besides you, smiling, feeling like a protector, a man in the end. But you are alone. This is so hard to cope with, sometimes harder then physical pain. Sometimes, I hope I'd never wake up, or that I'd make a 12 years nightmare I'd wake up from, because I don'T want to wake up alone with my libido, my heart tearing all of me apart to no end. I really related to that a lot.

Sometimes, I tought of it just to relax. It really works! And when he sings he'll be so glad to go, and then in the end he says there's a better world, well there must be, he's going to die (somehow), but he hasn't confidence in anything, especially himself, his life is so hard that he wants to die, even if he doesn't knows what happens after you die, if anything. This is oh-so touching like many of you said. A feeling of complete despair, sorrow, and then, you don't want to wake up. Either you'd kill yourself, or just hope to never wake up.

And then the melody at the end, such a good choice. I don't know the exact english title (damn french roots ;), but it's known as just the same. It's only a farewell, we'll see each other again, don't be sad, someday, we'll meet and be happy forever. But without any faith. It's the most heart-breaking moment in any song I've ever heard.

It was hard for me having not to hear any songs again, live in theory again, but every song I never heard, or just liked, they are all in my mind and they make me feel good. Asleep by the smiths makes me feel good. It's sometimes very relaxing, and in the end, it helps me realised that the hardest part is long before me, and that I will get my patience, and efforts', worth. I will be a man.

Thank god for the smiths. While they certainly are not the best band ever, they deserve a special place in any musical anthology. I like all of their songs, their melodys, and especially Morrissey's deep but so touching, real voice. Nothing superficial there. I think there is a lot of humanism in their songs. They are made in such ways that anyone can relate to it. Whatever your age, the situation, they are made so you can identify yourself, you're not the only one living this. Sometimes I think there are no genders as for the persons, there are no such specific things, so that anyone can relate to it, and that it helps them. Most intelligent music I've ever heard.

Yes their subjects are sometimes morbid, as for the youth, so they never went mainstream. But it was just necessary, sometimes innocent music, but with killer lyrics. You make someone listen to it with no attention at all and he will say: oh, it's nice relaxing music, it's good music. When they understand the lyrics, when they read it, then sometimes it's a 180 degress turn. The message in their songs is very clear, this ain't no David Lynch movie, there's nothing to decode, if not for the poetry, there is a clear meaning. But it's made in such a suave way, so that anyone can have their own interpretation.

Since their CDs are so cheap, I ordered all of their records, and I long for the day I am cured, and I can listen to everything, but this time, it wi lonly make me feel good, because it will remember me that all of these hard knocks i had in my life are just bad memories. Until then, patience must prevail. :)