We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

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Lyrics submitted by kevin

Standing Outside the Fire Lyrics as written by Jenny L. Yates Garth Brooks

Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

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Standing Outside The Fire song meanings

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29 Comments

+1
General Comment
This song is about the risks that you have to take to make your life worth living. The message here is that if you never take a risk, then you'll never reach your full potential.

This song is about the risks that you have to take to make your life worth living. The message here is that if you never take a risk, then you'll never reach your full potential.

Reason:

lila_mon April 26, 2002 Link
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@lila_m
+1
General Comment
i've loved this song for a long time, but this weekend it really took meaning to me. i took a risk this weekend that landed me in the hospital. i have to say, it wasn't the smartest thing i've ever done. but hell, if i didn't try it, i would've lived the rest of my life knowing i didn't take the risk. those who chace the sorrow and the shame take a riske of making fools of themselves, but to me, you can't make choices based on what others will think of you. you have to take chances in order to be who you want to be. you can look at this song along the lines of love, being something you've always dreamt of being, taking a risk, or just plain being who you want to be and nothing else. you can't live life to the fullest if you don't take any chances. it's like the man says: life is not tried it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire

i've loved this song for a long time, but this weekend it really took meaning to me. i took a risk this weekend that landed me in the hospital. i have to say, it wasn't the smartest thing i've ever done. but hell, if i didn't try it, i would've lived the rest of my life knowing i didn't take the risk. those who chace the sorrow and the shame take a riske of making fools of themselves, but to me, you can't make choices based on what others will think of you. you have to take chances in order to be who you want to be. you can look at this song along the lines of love, being something you've always dreamt of being, taking a risk, or just plain being who you want to be and nothing else. you can't live life to the fullest if you don't take any chances. it's like the man says: life is not tried it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire

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goofyasfuckon May 17, 2004 Link
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@goofyasfuck
+1
General Comment
I saw a music video someone made of the 1996 olympics and this was the song. it fit perfect it is about taking risks and standing inside the flame. people who stand outside the fire just let life past them by and never take a chance to change. I don't like country but i like this song.

I saw a music video someone made of the 1996 olympics and this was the song. it fit perfect it is about taking risks and standing inside the flame. people who stand outside the fire just let life past them by and never take a chance to change. I don't like country but i like this song.

Reason:

OelyOrangeon July 06, 2004 Link
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@OelyOrange
+1
General Comment
To me, this song perfectly describes the quote- "There is more lost by indecision than wrong decision"

To me, this song perfectly describes the quote- "There is more lost by indecision than wrong decision"

Reason:

GrtOne41on January 25, 2005 Link
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@GrtOne41
+1
General Comment
I used to think this song was about risks in general. But, now, after hearing it more, I definitely think it is about taking risks in love. Yes, it is possible you will get hurt, but it is better than never trying or having to face the world all alone.

I used to think this song was about risks in general. But, now, after hearing it more, I definitely think it is about taking risks in love. Yes, it is possible you will get hurt, but it is better than never trying or having to face the world all alone.

Reason:

HappyBerryon April 26, 2008 Link
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@HappyBerry
+1
General Comment
Such a good song. It does seem to define different types of people, how they face life, and how others seem to view them. My favorite part is those viewed as "weak", who give so much of themselves, who don't give up even when they fail, as opposed to their "strong" counterparts who are perceived as rarely if ever failing.

Such a good song. It does seem to define different types of people, how they face life, and how others seem to view them. My favorite part is those viewed as "weak", who give so much of themselves, who don't give up even when they fail, as opposed to their "strong" counterparts who are perceived as rarely if ever failing.

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Scorpy75on August 24, 2010 Link
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@Scorpy75
+1
General Comment
I agree with Philomathetes. Kyriel, you seem to have misunderstood that “hot” or “dancing within the flame” and “cool” or “standing outside the fire” are primarily metaphors for the intensity of one’s passion, and only secondarily comments on one’s social standing. “Dancing within the flame” (hot) means being full of passion, taking risks romantically, and putting one’s heart and soul on the line for love. It may be foolish, it may make one weak, vulnerable, it may lead to sorrow and shame, to getting the opposite of what you hoped to get. “Standing outside the fire” (cool) means playing it safe romantically, always staying in control of oneself, protecting oneself and one’s feelings, and always carefully thinking things through. It may successfully prevent one’s heart from being damaged, lead to a fierce independence and internal strength, or prevent someone from getting emotionally destroyed. However, despite the risks involved with “dancing within the flame” and the judgment of many that it is better not to take romantic risks and “face the world alone,” Garth advocates taking the risk, letting one’s passions soar, and putting one’s heart on the line for love. While one has to be a tough person to risk being rejected or having their heart broken or being destroyed by their uncontrollable romantic passions, these are the only people who truly LIVE. Surviving, by never letting oneself feel passionately about another or by being too cautious, is not living. “Life is not tried, it is merely survived, if you’re standing outside the fire”. One should get in touch with that fire in one’s own soul, the love which, while uncontrollable and dangerous, is what gives life purpose, direction, and meaning. Those who try too hard to control their love are bound to miss the best things that real living has to offer.

I agree with Philomathetes. Kyriel, you seem to have misunderstood that “hot” or “dancing within the flame” and “cool” or “standing outside the fire” are primarily metaphors for the intensity of one’s passion, and only secondarily comments on one’s social standing. “Dancing within the flame” (hot) means being full of passion, taking risks romantically, and putting one’s heart and soul on the line for love. It may be foolish, it may make one weak, vulnerable, it may lead to sorrow and shame, to getting the opposite of what you hoped to get. “Standing outside the fire” (cool) means playing it safe romantically, always staying in control of oneself, protecting oneself and one’s feelings, and always carefully thinking things through. It may successfully prevent one’s heart from being damaged, lead to a fierce independence and internal strength, or prevent someone from getting emotionally destroyed. However, despite the risks involved with “dancing within the flame” and the judgment of many that it is better not to take romantic risks and “face the world alone,” Garth advocates taking the risk, letting one’s passions soar, and putting one’s heart on the line for love. While one has to be a tough person to risk being rejected or having their heart broken or being destroyed by their uncontrollable romantic passions, these are the only people who truly LIVE. Surviving, by never letting oneself feel passionately about another or by being too cautious, is not living. “Life is not tried, it is merely survived, if you’re standing outside the fire”. One should get in touch with that fire in one’s own soul, the love which, while uncontrollable and dangerous, is what gives life purpose, direction, and meaning. Those who try too hard to control their love are bound to miss the best things that real living has to offer.

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Muthoson October 31, 2008 Link
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@Muthos
+1
General Comment
This song FEELS like it's telling me to take a chance and to fight for the opportunity to be with my soulmate. To accept that getting there will come with some pain and some hurt but that finding True Love will make the sun come out everyday WE are Together.....

This song FEELS like it's telling me to take a chance and to fight for the opportunity to be with my soulmate. To accept that getting there will come with some pain and some hurt but that finding True Love will make the sun come out everyday WE are Together.....

Reason:

missingUSon April 28, 2016 Link
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@missingUS

@missingUS
I have heard this song dozens of times but I heard it last week for the first time in a long time and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. The words speak right to my heart and say exactly what you just said. It's like you took the thoughts right out of my head....

ALLways...on April 28, 2016

@ALLways when all you want to do is pour your heart out, it's amazing how music can speak the works that describe how you feel. Yet sometimes it's HARD to even listen. Every song sounds like it's being sung to me and about US. Sometimes those songs hurt so much that "the clouds in your eyes down your face they pour". You question if you'll ever be able to hear that music again. You constatly want to FEEL that spark. That spark

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways
....That spark

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways That spark

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways That spark that changed your life! It's there and all you want to do is know that you're not alone who believes in it...believes in US. I can't be the only one who feels that its NEVER going away... in spike of others saying that it will fade. As long as the stars twinkle at 10:10, the desire to see that sparkle in your eyes will burn.

So many songs have that power. I bet Together we could make playlist filled with music that touches your soul and allows your heart to speak.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS the clouds in my eyes constantly pour down my face, I'm not sure how they haven't evaporated. I laid awake last night thinking of so many things. Knowing what is right for everyone else around me but not knowing what is right for me. The pain you spoke of that would be caused if you take the risk with your soulmate, its the pain you are feeling now from not being with that person. Its a pain that hurts like nothing you've ever felt, your heart is literally breaking. But do you think inflicting that same pain on the people that care so much about you, the people you thought you would be with for the rest off your life is fair? I hate the thought of hurting these people but is it fair to them to live life like all will be OK when deep down you never what to let go of that soulmate. That soulmate that everyone is telling us is wrong to be with, everyone says its not real. Sure FEELS real...

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS you are not alone, there is someone else who believes in US. Knowing that there is someone else out there that FEELS the same way has helped ease my pain a little in the last 24 hours. It helps knowing you are not alone. I'm so scared to take the next step, I fear that the hurt it will cause will be too much to overcome, not for me, not for my soulmate but for the people directly connected to US. I fear those people will never forgive US. It hurts me to know how disappointed they are in US. Why can't True Love be enough to make all that pain worth it. Why are we the only ones who FEEL that. Are we wrong? Are we blinded by our feelings? I am so lost and confused. The sparkle in my eyes, I've literally watched it fade. I have actually looked in the mirror and thought about the sparkle that used to be there....now all I see are clouds.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways you are not alone either. Like You I'm lost and confused and searching for the answer - an answer that my heart is screaming that it has found. What does it mean that I'm more concerned with fixing US than I am about repairing the damage. It feels like it means everything - but no one can hear me. Everyone wants me to try but my desire is elsewhere. They don't understand, yet it seems clear in my heart.

The sparkle is there, I saw yesterday and it crushed me to think it's being hidden by clouds. It just needs the sun to help it shine....

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS and there in lies another song... When you saw that sparkle, did you notice what song was playing after, it was "Here comes the sun" when I heard it I actually smiled. Something that I don't do very much anymore. I thought, is this a sign. A sign that when we connect it just feels right. The last 3 weeks have been unbearable but I felt some relief in that moment yesterday.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I don't know what it means that your concern is with fixing US and not repairing the damage. I wonder the same thing when I notice I really only cry when I talk about US and losing US. Everyone does want US to try, to try to fix things for OUR families. It's what they deserve, WE both know that and we are BOTH going to do just that, TRY. But what happens if trying doesn't work? Will our families do as they say and be OK with that cause at least we try? I heard somthing from someone today that told me they won't, that the family will never get past it and hearing that both angered and saddened me. I guess happiness doesn't matter as long as we do what is right for everyone else...

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways I did notice. And I noticed that when Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" came on it gave me That FEELING - and then you were there and when I wanted was to reach out to you....

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways my smiles feel fake, my laughter seems forced, and when people ask how I am - I want to cry. They don't want to know how I am... They want to hear that I've moved on, that is all better and that I'm sorry. But what I'm sorry for is the love lost. ALL is know is the one that got away - the catch of the lifetime. And I'm having to watch her die right in front of me.....

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways like you yesterday might have been the best day I've had. I still had tears but I felt That connection that I've missed - that I can't shake - that I don't want to fade. Those moments....our moments aren't going away. I'm protecting them. And it hurts me when people try and cheapen them or tell me they weren't what they were - AMAZING! Not something I regret, not something I want to forget, not something that aren't worth FIGHTING for.....

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways what does it mean to "try". Cause I wonder if it will ever be enough in the eyes of a skeptic. I'm finding out that I have plenty of false friends and maybe even some family that wants something that's different that what I feel. I haven't talk to a professional but how can I make others happy if I can't have happiness myself.
You mention hearing things, and I do to. People are judging a relationship that they didn't even know existed until 3 weeks ago. They have logic and are sharing it, but in the end it's advise NOT a life sentence.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways will it ever go back to the way it was - NO IT WONT. There will be lost friends and confused family. In fact there's where I live now - and I'm not happy. So I "try". I talk in hope that the answer is revealed. Yet in so many ways it feels like I see it but no one will hear me saying it. Even in pain I'm happiest when I'm talking about 1 person. People have to SEE that...cause I FEEL it.
"The Fear You Won't Fall" says it ALL, and can bring me to my knees. Cause it's US...

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways I guess you couldn't do it, but I'm only "One Call Away".....

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I am also only "one call away"

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I wish I could talk to you. Every single word you just said in all of those posts is EXACTLY what I am feeling. EVERY SINGLE WORD....every single feeling. I miss you so badly. I miss your smile and your laugh and just talking to my best friend.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways I called but went to VM. Maybe it's just not time....?

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS I had a thought while at lunch...you mentioned all you want to do is fix US. You know what I thought..I thought, you know what, US doesn't need to be fixed, US has never been broken. US is still US, right now it just can't be WE. Maybe some day US can get back to WE. But right now I think both of US need to figure out who we are. I think talking to a professional will help that. I have only gone once and all I did was tell her the timeline and cry. She had some good things to say and I am going back Monday. I will be telling her more about how I am feeling in this moment. I have been making notes of my thoughts on my phone. I wish you could see them.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS call me again

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry I had to cut that short. Let's do that more. We need to talk so we can figure this out. Do you agree? I missed hearing your voice so much.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS that was a great talk. We are gonna work through this together. I want you to try your best this weekend. Open your mind and maybe even your heart and be honest with her and yourself. "Do what is right for you. No one else is walking in your shoes."

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways I'd like to do That SO much more. But I don't want to be a detriment to YOU getting better. I will try and but I know where my Best is and its with US. Thau feeling has changed or waivered. I have doubts but hearing your voice validated my every emotion and FEELING. I will go through the process and respect yours, but maybe the answer IS as easy as it Feels. And it's just coming to grips with those consequences that I need to work on.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS do you remember what you text me, you know that long text that made me realize you wanted and needed to try?

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways Thank You for taking the time. I can't tell you how much clearer my head is and how much my heart feels whole. To KNOW that there is someone who Feels the same things validates me. And let's me know that I'm not "crazy". I might be to those who aren't walking in my shoes. Maybe I'm crazy cause I believe in something that other people read or watch movies about. Maybe I'm crazy cause I believe that with the right person, I can fight through anything.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS had you told me you didnt want to try, I would have just walked away and right into your arms. The person we have both confided in, has told me that you said you can't say you don't love who you are currently with. And that you need to try. Is that feeling different now?

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways it's not different. I love her and I'd always have a place in my heart for my 1st love. But it's not the kinda of love I want with the person I'm with. I want a Love That Is Alive. A love that I can't hide....

I saved that text and have read it often when I got down and felt myself sinking. Just to remind myself of what I said I wanted. I wanted to do "what was right" even if neither of us agreed with it.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways I've now told that person that I need more closure than that text or the walk that followed. I need to KNOW that you are ready to stop fighting for US....it would hurt but as I told you before I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy, even if it's loving you enough to let go......

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS since reading that text I have tried so hard to let go of US because I thought that was what you wanted and what I knew was right for everyone else. But I know no matter what happens I can and will never let go of you.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I thought the same thing about loving you enough to let go. But I don't want to let go. Like you I want to hold on to all our amazing memories and I get hurt when people say it wasn't what we thought it was. It was and still is the most amazing love. A love of a lifetime...

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways thats what I've ALLways felt. That you let me do all the talking...and its eaten at me that I didn't get to hear you say that it's what YOU wanted.
I still believe in this process. I don't know how long it lasts but I'm hoping we are learning something about ourselves that we'll be able to share TOGETHER.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways If those moments weren't what we thought....FINE. I'll forget 'em....but only for the opportunity to make new ones! Moments that aren't clouded in cheating and lying. MOMENTS that let us be US!

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS I told you I am indecisive person. I have always just done what I thought the other person wanted. No matter who the person may have been. With you I felt I could make my own choices, maybe not in that instant but during US we we equal. I want to be with you but I need to find ME. I am slowly working on that but talking with you today really helped.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS let's work through this process, see where time takes US.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I love the thought of making moments with you that aren't clouded. One off the hardest things for me was never getting to fall asleep or wake up next to you. The simple moments. As I laid awake last night I thought about that about you next to me...

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways I don't believe you're indecisive. You're just willing to put the desires of other before your own. I agree that WE worked together and made decisions and I found that so rewarding and healthy. It's why it's pained me to hear about "brainwashing" the very person I love. I hear people say "she wasn't who you thought she was - she was who you wanted her to me." But I don't believe that. I found you to be who you wanted to be. Maybe that is a different person that you were 10, 5, 2, years ago. But it is wrong for people to change and grow? I would be proud to say I help allow you be that women you want to be. And want you to find the confidence to say "here I am! Love me for ME, not for who I was."

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways those little moments.... If I could only have just 1 - it would be to have that slow dance with you. You know the one that never ends.....just US and That Connection.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways I deleted the playlist but I hope you still have the cd. If not, we'll make a new one TOGETHER.

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS I feel the exact same way. I don't think you made me into the person you wanted. It kills me to hear people say that. I just want to be me, the woman with confidence who loves to sing and dance and be silly. The one who loves her kids so much that she doesn't want them to see her living a life that isn't all it could be. The women who makes a terrible gangster face and loves watching the blackhawks. The one who loves to smile and laugh and share every detail of her day with her true love.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS the CD is in my desk drawer with the heart rock and your little love notes. I will be listening to the fear you wont fall on my way home

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways that is EXACLTY the person I fell in love with! And it's a breath of fresh air to hear you recognize yourself. You are an AMAZING women. Your strength inspires me and let's me you're gonna find exactly who you're searching for. And I CAN NOT WAIT to see her again!

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS oh that slow dance. Yesterday when "wonderful tonight" came on I buried my head in my hands and cried. In that moment I had to stop pushing you away and at least let our eyes meet. So I got up and walked around that corner and it was like you just knew and there you were looking at me letting me know you wanted to ask me to dance.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS your words are my breath of fresh air

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@ALLways I think I listened to Fear You Want Fall, One Call Away, and Wonderful Tonight 30x each today. I cried, I smiled, I teared up,I smiled and almost laughed. That's a full day of emotion...Thank You for every second of it!

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@ALLways it's the 2nd time I've heard that song since all this and both brought emotions. Yesterday brought tears and I heard your shoes and knew what was happening. And even without touching I felt the electricity in our eyes meeting.....
IT IS REAL!

missingUSon April 29, 2016

@missingUS IT IS REAL

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I havent even let myself listen to any of our songs, I knew I would lose it. Its hard at work since they play some of them over and over. When love is alive comes on I either cry my eyes out or smile thinking about when we danced to that with the kids

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I don't want to stand outside the fire anymore. I want to jump in and find ME and I want that to lead to US.

ALLways...on April 29, 2016

@missingUS I'm dying here....I need to know how your weekend was. I need to know where your head is.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I need you to be completely honest with me. Even if you know it's gonna hurt me.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I keep looking on here thinking you will reach out to me. why aren't you reaching out? I was kind of hoping we could talk on the phone again at lunch today??

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways couple things: how is that you ALLways know when I'm thinking of you(pretty much anytime I'm holding my phone. This morning I was re-reading this exchange.)
And how is that a small exchange like That can flip my mood so dramatically?!?

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways don't stop smiling. Yours is too great to not let it shine!
The weekend was exhausting emotionally. It was good in the sense that it was all about learning how to communicate feeling better. There were people A LOT worse off than any of us!
But it was tough cause there was still no "answer" just more internal questioning.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways now take a deep breath and KNOW that you'll get my honesty - you know THAT!
I wanted to reach out but as we said we don't want to derail any positive momentum we have going for ourselves.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS it's probably because I'm always thinking of you and you can feel that. I read this exchange on Saturday and again this morning. We said so many things in our posts. So many things...

Those little exchanges are all we have and I always feel better having connected with you.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways I apologize for leaving you in the dark though. I know how agonizing that is!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I don't want to derail any positive momentum. But having said that I need to know where your head is. After we talked and had our exchanges on Friday, I let myself shut down when it came to repairing Matt and I. He wants to repair us and move on and he thinks we will be better and our eyes have been opened. All I keep telling him is that I want to try but I don't want to end up hurting him again even worse. I didn't tell him you and I spoke but I wanted to very badly.....I knew if I did he might make the choice easy for me and tell me to get out. I can't tell you how bad I wish he would just hate me and tell me to leave. Then my decision would be made for me.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways
Wow back to back - these songs!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I can't handle them

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I'm a mess today

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways Let yourself SMILE ....it's ok to do That!
And if that doesn't help hold on to that rock. It's got stregth for you....And you are FAR from a mess.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways obviously I want to talk to you so if lunch works, we can make that happen.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I'm not feeling smiles today. I'm feeling scared and confused.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I have 12:00 lunch today. I was hoping I could just drive somewhere away from here and talk to you. I need to know what you are thinking. I will not be able to clear these clouds if I don't know that you and I are on the same page.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways Maybe this list will help:
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS nope but good try

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways 12:00 works for me. But to remove your anxiety. I'm there I was Friday. Still lots of confusion, frustration, and emptiness. I learned quite a bit about communicating but didn't get the answer to any questions. And I think that's ok. It's a process and doesn't need rushing. Too much at stake to just "pick". WE both know that. But know that my mind hasn't let go or anything like that......
I called a counselor on Friday, but haven't got a call back yet. Hoping to today

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS it is a process but how long do we let the process go? Can we really 'try' if neither of us is willing or ready to let go of the other?

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I watched Matt cry all morning yesterday. Locked away in our bedroom. I tried to comfort him. I know all he wanted to hear was that I love him like he loves me. That I want to try and am fully committed to making he and I better. I hadn't brought you up much but I told him that I'm missing you and that I'm having a hard time letting that love go. He just doesn't understand, no one undersands...

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I look at my kids and all I want to do is hold them and tell them that no matter what I will always love them. I am so scared of tearing their lives apart. I'm so scared of hurting them and that they will never forgive me.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I'm scared to let my feelings for you go. WE are so amazing together. I hate to think that I won't be able to feel that anymore. I would try to feel it with Matt and I but I just don't think it could ever feel like it does with US.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways well I don't know the answer to that but I know it's longer than 3 weeks. Probably a lot longer than that. I like both of us are tired of feeling "bad" so we want to find the answer but that's not fair to anyone including ourselves. Remember on Friday when you told me you wanted to find YOU? That for sure needs to be done before you could ever find an answer and reach a decision. Your counselor is there to help you with the process - it might take a long time before she can guide to finding yourself but trust in her. She's there to help.
I'm going to get that help too!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS Listen to When You Find Me by Joshua Radin on @AppleMusic.
itun.es/us/…

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS Listen to One and Only by Joshua Radin on @AppleMusic.
itun.es/us/…

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS Listen to Let Our Sun Shine Down by Joshua Radin on @AppleMusic.
itun.es/us/…

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways now keep in mind that TODAY I'm being strong when I say this but how can we be scared to let feelings go. IF we could do that it means it wasn't what we thought it IS. And if it's not than we should let it go. That's not my fear at all. I'm scared that I simply CAN'T let go. That even though I've truly tried, it's not going away cause it is exactly what we feel it is.
While I hate the idea of "testing" our love that's kinda what we are doing.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways if our love truly is ALIVE that it's gonna be there....in 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, or even longer.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I guess maybe that is what I was trying to say, I'm scared that I can't let go

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I was just thinking if we can't let go even given what we would be risking by taking the chance then it has to mean something

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS those songs I sent you say exactly how I am feeling. And I think our love with remain alive for eternity.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways yeah it hurts like hell getting there. But the fact that we aren't numb to hurting N & M tells us there are still some feelings of love there too.
I do the same thing with my kids. I tell them 20x a day that I love them and that I'm allways going to love them NO MATTER WHAT.
We keep waiting for this "sign" and right now we can see the ones we look for EVERYWHERE. In a song, an action, a thought, memory, they are all around us. But the reality is that we are still looking for the answer and I think if we respect the process it will come to each of us.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways THERE I got ya to smile!!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS as you walked away I smiled thinking about the signs we get. Like why did you find a reciept from the place you always tease me about?

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways was finding that receipt a "sign" ...who knows. But it brought a smile even when we hurt. I never want to be in a place that I can't share stuff with you like that. And my worst moments are when people telling me I have to.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS you are completely right today and helping me think more clearly. There are just so many unanswered questions but I will never question our love.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I'm only one call away....

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS did you listen to any of those songs I listed??

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways I listened to When You Find Me 3x and tagged the other 2 for this afternoons drive.
Wow - that one did say A LOT!!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS uh huh, they all say a lot

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS thank you for our talk and for helping me clear my head.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I didn't get the chance to tell you that I ordered that book you told me about. I should get it today. Do you think it has helped you? Have you heard from yhe Dr you left a message for yet?

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways you're helping me too. Just nice knowing that SOMEONE feels similar to what I do. Even everyone else is saying NO, even a "yeah" feels good.
I think the book as been pretty good. I'm not through it yet. I bought it via iBooks so I just read a section on my iPhone when I have a few minutes. But it tries to help you answer The Question so at least it's a resource for that.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I read someone's review that said its good for trying to decide between your spouse and your lover and how that choice will effect your kids. I don't like referring to you as my lover, I'd rather say My Love. I'm looking forward to reading to and seeing if it provides any encite on aswering That Question.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I feel like we both know the answer to That Question but the answer is loaded with so many other questions. It has been so nice connecting with you. I can't tell you how much I missed you cause I know you know exactly how much since you've missed me the same.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways I feel like it's the only real laughs and smiles I've had. I feel like the weight around my neck is off. I know it will be back but it's welcomed relief!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS yes! I have been feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Just one little shared glance with you makes that all go away. It only for a moment it is relief.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS pin.it/…

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways and I didn't/don't feel alone right now.
That's been another thing I've encountered. I used to always say I didn't mind traveling and eating alone but it's cause I wasn't alone - you were there. And the conversation was everything and anything.....

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways couldn't open the link

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS that link probably isn't gonna work but it is for quote I read yesterday....sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS we were never alone were we?! We ALLways had each other. I am glad I am feeling that connection again. The one that was always there and people were trying to convince me it wasn't real. It's the realist thing I've ever known!

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways we weren't alone, we were ALLways there. I guess I didn't see it or appreciate it till it was gone.....that's pretty sad to me. And very hard when I'm sitting there alone - wondering.
Our connection is real. People can discredit it but they don't know what we feel and never will. I believe in it. It made me happy everyday. Every single day. Even in the tough days it was there and ALLways gave one of us the strength to carry on and fight for eachother. It's pretty remarkable that people don't see it actually....

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS Baby, don't say you didn't appreciate it until it was gone. You showed me everyday how much you appreciated me and how much our connection meant to US. You are still showing me. On our toughest days we can find comfort in our love and that gives us strength. Strength to fight for what we believe in. Right now we believe in our love enough to take a step back and see which path is the path we are destined to take. One day I would love to take your hand and walk down that path with you, my soulmate and one true love.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways Sugar that kinda just made me emotional....

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways your ability to touch my heart and my willingness to open myself up to you, is describable. While I know that subjects me to the worst kinds of hurt, our connection guides me to our path HOME.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS you haven't called me sugar in a while Baby. It made me smile.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I love being able to be completely open and honest with you and I love that you can open up to me. HOME is where the heart is.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways I'm happy you found your strength today(and that I could help). Self doubt and all the outside noise have a way of doing that. I feel it too.
Thank for your kind words regarding me showing you how much you mean to me. It was easy and still is today to show you that appreciation.
You know it's funny but like Friday I can feel that my attitude is "different" right now. It's positive and I feel life in me. You shared that with me today. It will fade as the silence returns between us, but I'll KNOW a smile, a laugh, just hearing your voice will let those feelings rush over me again...and again...and again.
Take OUR strength with you today and tonight. Be honest, be open, and let your sunshine through.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS Wow, I have not felt like this in so long. I feel like I could move mountains as long as I know I have you by side. I'm still so scared but hearing you say that your attitude is positive and that you feel good gives me some peace.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS how do you think this positivity will effect you tonight? Does it give you the strength to try to open yourself up to her and possibly find a connection with her again? As I said earlier, if I had to choose today I would choose you but if I was told I have to stay where I am at, I think I would be able to find a way to live happily but there would always be a sense of loss and wonder of what could have been with US.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways it feels so good that I don't even what to go there but how will it impact me tonight...that's tough to say. I'm happy cause of OUR connection not what I'm gonna find at home. I almost tell like I better "tone it down" beforehand. What a way to live, right?!?
I feel similar to you. Could it be found - maybe, but it would always come with doubt and what ifs.

But I mean when it when I say IF YOU COULD FIND THAT HAPPINESS then you should pursue it whole heartily. Don't let me stop you......Don't let US stop you. If you can have that happiness TAKE IT!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I can't pursue anything that doesn't include you whole heartedly Baby

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS you've got my whole heart.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I need you to know today I'll wait for you ALLways. When I find you, I'll find me.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways my heart is racing. Like only you can do.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS that's the spark you're feeling the connection the love...US

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways take comfort knowing that I'm not going anywhere without your happiness.
As I've told you, I'm ruined.
We might not be perfect but......

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS listen to those other songs

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS we are perfect together

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways I'm listening now. Thank You for connecting with me, opening up, sharing the songs.
YOU made my day better - like you have countless times before and like I hope you would in the future.

You really out did yourself with these songs. I'm smiling as I gaze into your hazel eyes and have that dance I've longed for....

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS the songs say everything I am feeling and what to express to you. Thank you for helping me today.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS one and only, I don't want to hide anymore

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I am at my apt now. Thank you again for giving me strength today and making me better. I want to give you that dance....the kind of dance where the song never ends! I'll be thinking of you tonight as ALLways....

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways I'm speechless after hearing the words you are singing to me through these songs.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways Can't tell where you end and I began....

Let sun shine down!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS
Let OUR sun shine down!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways I don't have to keep talkin. I don't have to keep walkin. Just have to lay here with you....

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways and in case you want to wiggle just a little bit: Listen to What Do You Mean? by Justin Bieber on @AppleMusic.
itun.es/us/…
I kinda got into this song. Not cause the meaning really but just cause it was NOT something we struggled with. I've always known what you mean.

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I am out of my apt and will listen to that song now. I love sharing songs with you. I'm glad you liked them. I love that you imagined me singing them to you. Those words I sang to you are everything we feel for each other. My thoughts have not changed, you are my one and only. This process will take time and no one knows which paths will be taken but please always know, I'd rather be with you.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS here is one more for ya: Listen to Sound of Your Heart by Shawn Hook on @AppleMusic.
itun.es/us/…

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways explore the paths. Only you can decide what's best for You! And only I can decide for Me.
Maybe We can help each other but neither makes the decision for the other.
We continue to understand that and we seek the answer. And if they day come where we must lay down and stop fighting for US, I'll hurt but know it was for the right reasons.

I hope it went well today....

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways where are you finding this music that speaks to my soul???
Thank You for sharing....

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS it did go well, I think she is truly out to help me find me.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I heard that song on Friday after work. Wanted to share it then. I found the others this morning. No really love Joshua Radin. He has gone through some of the same things cause all his music speaks to me.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@missingUS I love what you said about our paths, you are so right. Let's find ourselves so we know if we will find OURselves.

ALLways...on May 02, 2016

@ALLways this is what I'm talking about. You're not indecisive. When you decide you know what you're after, you don't let anything stand in your way. You're courageous and determined. And it inspires me.
I've known you had this in you, I've seen it before and felt that inspiration.
LOOK OUT world here she comes....

I'm glad you found someone who you have the confindance in to know that they can help you find you. You're gonna get everything you want out of this experience and discover the path that lets you smile and puts that sparkle in your eye. I believe it you!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways I can't say that you'll ALLways enjoy the journey but maybe it will make the destination all that much sweeter. I'm so glad to here you understand that rushing the process would be foolish and unfair to everyone. Respect the process and the path will become more clear. It might be just as hard, but at least you'll have the confidence to battle those challenges KNOW that you made a decision that was not based purely on emotion.
You're AWESOME!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@ALLways I had only scratched the surface with Joshua Radin. You're getting into the deep tracks and you're right, he(and the chick singing with him) are US!

missingUSon May 02, 2016

@missingUS I am really not feeling that awesome right now. I was honest with M tonight about talking with you and I'm not sure where it's going to end up. He asked me and I just couldn't lie. He wasn't happy but when he said I just need to let you go, I couldn't say I would. I'm still committed to working on the process and want to find the right path but everything is so uncertain.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways well your willingness to be honest is awesome. I couldn't do it. When I was asked - I lied. Guess I should have known something was up for her to ask me so matter of factly....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS he asked what I did at lunch and I made something up but when he asked if I was telling the truth, I said no. I told him I talked to you on the phone. He doesn't know about this. He knows I can't let you go. I don't know what to do.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS he didn't say whether he told her or not but I didn't ask. I'm sorry...

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I'm feeling like he did. She said to me "it's so hard to trust" and then asked if I had talk to you at all.....and I lied and said No. I'm hoping you can tell me what to say to him, cause he wrote me.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS What did he say and when did he write you? When did she ask you about it? I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell him not to reach out to either of you so you can continue working on your marriage but I didn't. I did tell him you were trying to repair your marriage and he said well at least someone is...

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways he said "Thanks for your help we were having some progress until you had to talk again"
Wrote me that at about 7:45 this morning.
I think I'm going to say "are you willing to talk to me on the phone?" hopefully he is and I'll call him and explain that each of us is looking for closure tha we certainly aren't finding simply ignoring eachother.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I tell him while you and I both recognize that we strong feeling for eachother that both of us want to keeping trying for our families and while yesterday might have been a step back - there are days ahead that can be 2steps forward.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS you can try that

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS But really if you and I are not ready to let go of US...how are we even trying to make it right with them?

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I'm so scared. I am not ready to lose you but the consequences are almost unfathomable. But then I think if I am so willing to deal with those consequences how can I just let go, letting go of US seems more unfathomable in this moment.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS this song....

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS reading you say we are looking for closure scares me. I know closure is the only way you and I can even give them a chance but Baby I never want to let my love for go.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways YEAH! Did you request this???

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS no matter what is said I need you to tell me how it goes

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways well duh......
So he didn't treaten to kill me or anything so I'd say that's positive :)

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS he said he has something to talk to me about tonight and that he feels a little better

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS but all I want to do is cry

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I'm sorry I'm in a meeting. I'll update you soon

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I'm waiting....

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways ok so I told him that I feel like we are being setup to fail if he had the expectations that we are NEVER going to communicate. While talking like we did on the phone isn't the answer, believing that we would simply ignore the feeling that got us to this point and that we continue to carry was unreasonable.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways he seemed to kind of understand that. I told him that while this is a set back it doesn't mean that all is lost. I told him that you and I feel a lot alike and having everyone tells us just to stop feeling that wasn't working and that I felt good to talk to you and hear that I'm not alone is the way I feel.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I told him that it actually felt good just t even talk to him - and he agreed.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I told him that I didn't know how to STOP loving someone that was my best friend for the last 2 years - but simply ignoring them wasn't working.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS so where does that leave US

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS how do we STOP, I'm feeling like I can't ever stop I'm feeling like I don't ever wanna stop

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways be told me he has his doubts anything will "work" and I agreed that it is and had been very tough and it's been equally hard for N and I.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I told him I'd be more that happy to share the brochure from the weekend thing we did and he seemed open to that.
Both of us said that it actually felt good to communicate and I told him I wish I could help and if he thinks of anything that he wants or needs from me - I'd do all I could.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I need to show you a message I just got from N, that I don't know what to do with.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS thanks for doing all that, I'm sure it wasn't easy

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS show me

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I feel the same as you do. HOW do we and what if I can't. What if I don't want to cause it feels so right??

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways you know once we got talking it actually got easier and I'm not sure either of us were really ready to hang up. Like he said in his message it's weird but it felt like a positive step.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I don't know what to tell you to do about that text. Those are pretty much the same questions Matt has been asking me. I feel like in my head and heart now I am choosing the latter option. Trying to find myself and the eenie meanie game. But for me if I choose Matt it's not for him or me, it's for my kids and the commitment I made to him. Today I am not willing to let you go. Even if I "make things work" with him, I don't ever want to let my love for you go. I think it is way too soon to decide anything but I agree with N....and I have said the same to M. It's not fair to string them along if our end game is not to fix it with them.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS are we not supposed to talk, what did he say? I feel like you and I need a face to face talk. So we can figure this out. I'm scared to say that maybe the only way to try with them is to say goodbye to each other...for now. So I'm not saying it but I'm thinking it and thinking it is killing me.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways wow that song 2x now. My favorite line: we could stay here for a while, cause you know I just wanna see you smile.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I'm glad you have an apt next week. It touched my heart seeing that your dad wrote you. I'm so glad he is there for you. I really love you so much. I'm sorry we have to feel this pain and cause so much pain bc of the love we feel is right.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I have no smiles in me today, I feel like it's going to be an ending of something so magical

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I'm thinking that's what he's going to talk to you about tonight. We didn't really talk what that boundary is. I gets you have an opportunity to weigh in on that rather than him dictating everything.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I guess I'm not is a bad of a place as you right now. I should be but maybe I'm hanging on to your words yesterday and they are giving me the hope that I believed could exist.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways and I'm not saying that to lead you back. You have to do what YOU decide. And you don't need to decide anything today or this week. Or this month.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS Baby I'm always going to want to decide on you. I choose you....

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways for me, I kind think I should back a bag for tonight....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS This is so hard Baby, either way there is going to be unimaginable pain.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways after reading your message here from last night, I couldn't listen to any of those songs this morning. I wanted to but knew they would just bring me down and I know I can't do that if you are already there.
But last night in my dreams they were there. I woke a couple times with the words in my mind.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS that's all I want to do too, pack a bag and just go. Make the decision and just go. I don't think you need to decide that right now. Talk with her, be honest tell her we talked on the phone. Tell her what you said to Matt. Tell her what you are feeling.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS last night I put my earbuds in and listened to this songs for a long time. I listened to them this morning too.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways you are strong. Stonger than me anyway.....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways the ability to just go isn't going to fix anything. We can run from this cause being away from it hurts like hell. We want it in our lives but don't want to accept the pain is will bring to everyone that our lives touch.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I know I've got nothing to lose with being honest - or am I risking losing it all?

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS If you think being honest will risk "losing it all" I think you've got your answer. You need to try. And you need to be honest. I knew I couldn't lie to him about the phone calls with you...so I didn't. I thought at one point he was gonna tell me to get out but he didn't. I just told him it is too soon to decide anything. I was honest with him about hurting from not being able to talk to you and missing our emotional connection. I think that may be what I was missing with him. An emotional connection. With you I have that, I have my best friend and the physical connection you and I share makes it unreal.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS if you are honest with her she will either tell you to go or be understanding that you need more time. I feel like she may be in more of the mind set that she is willing to let go. Matt is set on never letting go.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways of course the song on my car radio is "It wasn't me" by Shaggy

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS you've gotta do what feels right. If you don't want to tell the truth bc your scared to lose it all, then you have to know deep down you want to at least try.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS that's a good song! Ha!

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I think neither of us wants to give up on US and I think we are feeling like trying with them and finding out that maybe we can make it work is like giving up on US??? But in my head I feel like I'm only trying to say that I tried and then I don't have to give you us. This is so messed up and confusing.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways are you tell me to let go of US?? Cause if didn't have the mind set that the risk wasn't too much to handle. I thought that's what I was determining....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I'm gonna tell the truth. I have to. I owe it now

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I am NOT telling you to let go of US

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I'm telling you to do what YOU feel is right.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways. Good cause I was a feeling as alone as I ever have

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I keep saying if I am willing to deal with the risks of choosing US then it has to mean something. Just like you have said to me before.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS now just so you know, I have not told him about this chatting, only that I have said hi to you at work and it prompted the phone calls.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS baby don't ever feel alone. I am always here

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS can we get in the same page, you are finding you and figuring out if WE can handle the risks of US???

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I want on that page but it feels like it's being ripped from me and US....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS why Baby, talk to me

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways thank you for keeping this between US.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS ALLways between US

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I don't know what to say....just when I think I've grabbed on to something to believe it and unravels and I'm left alone and questioning how, why, and what's next.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS listen to this song thats on now

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS when I hear it I think of M.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS thank you for talking with me

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS did we talk?!?!

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS here is that article

elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-soul-mate-is-a-mirror-we-accept-the-love-we-believe-we-deserve/

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I missed the song. Pretty much telling my Mom everything. You'll probably want to read this....and I'll share it when we are done.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I'll be waiting. I do want read whatever it is. The song was let it go by James bay.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I think I have to walk with S at break. If she asks if we talked I'm going to say yes and that M knows we did and that we are looking for closure of that is possible. I know it's not. You know it's not but neither of us are making any decisions just yet. We will get through this together, no matter what the outcome is.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways ok. I'll show you the conversation with mom after you're done.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS ok I hope it is going ok

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I hope you aren't making any final decisions yet. You need to talk to the therapist and see how that goes. You know I will ALLways believe in US. No matter what we choose.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I'm scared right now but it's a different kind of fear than I've had.....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I hope you're right about being able to get through this together. Cause I know I don't want to be alone. It's scary enough to think about my life without W & C.....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways pretty sure S knows something is up. She said she saw you stop at the copy machine earlier but I said that phone call was just business.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I told her we have had a moments of communication but she only asked me about it as we were getting back to her desk. I told her it feels better to have a little communication. If she asks we will just say we couldn't ignore each other anymore, it was making everything worse. No one will believe it's just small communication but we know and M knows some so it's ok.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I think I am feeling the same kind of fear you are. The fear that we might be making a decision that could ruin US and maybe everyone we care about is scary. I am here for you. ALLways...

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways she was talking to J and it looked like was getting close to tears.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways but I agree it was small communication - hi - have a good day - that sort of thing.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways really???!!! ruin US? That's all I have confidence in. Great......

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS neither of US knows how tonight is going to go for either of us. Let's just not lose sight of our love for each other and if that means we need to cut ties and try 100% then we will deal with it but no matter what I WILL NEVER LET MY LOVE FOR YOU GO. And if WE get to be US then you will never be alone no matter what else or who else is in our life.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS you can have confidence in me Baby. Know that I want you, I choose you.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS nothing can ruin US I know that. But if you talk with her tonight and feel like you need to give her 100%, I don't want to be holding back. Just like you told me yesterday.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways you can't not let US go 100% then how are we trying 100% with them?

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS you saw that sparkle today and I felt it. Just hold that tight.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I guess I'll been be able to give 100% but if I need to try I will. I just know you'll always be part of my soul.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways I didn't mean "you" can't let US, I meant WE can't let US go.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I guess I'll NEVER be able to give 100%.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways and I'm telling you if your truly can....truly and honestly - then HURT ME!

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I deserve to be hurt.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I can't hurt you

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS I think that is our problem we feel like we deserve to be hurt but we don't we are human and humans make mistakes and they also deserve to be happy.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS are you telling N we talked at work today or just on the phone yesterday?

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways can you just tell me what to do. What am I trying for tonight???

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I'll say you said hi but nothing more.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways God doesn't make junk. He wants us to be happy. Can we be happy knowing hurting people?

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS yes I am going to tell you what to do.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS these are all questions we don't have answers too but earlier we said as long as we are together it doesn't matter. But the hurt hasn't happened yet so it's scary to think about telling those kids there life is going to be different.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS so tonight be honest with her. Tell her we've communicated and it feels better. We are having a hard time letting go and need closure but fear that closure isn't enough. Just tell her what you feel. Tell her you want to try but can't do it 100% now or maybe not ever. But you want to talk to the therapist on Monday and see if she can give you incite. Don't make any decisions tonight.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways TELL ME. PLEASE!

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways that sounds reasonable....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways Thank You

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I will be doing the same thing at my house.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS no one knows what OUR future holds not even US but I know we will not lose sight of our love no matter what path is taken.

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS this song is fitting....ill be thinking bout you baby!

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways and I'll be thinking of you. Be gentle....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways S doesn't look happy.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I'm not worried about S

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS be gentle about what??

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways you're right. S is making assumptions at this point. I mean just remember his head could be in a different place than yours.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways I hope your night is Good. I really do......

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways of course S assumptions are probably right but she doesn't and won't know that EVER

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@missingUS I hope yours is good too. I really do....

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS no she won't not EVER

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@missingUS good luck

ALLways...on May 03, 2016

@ALLways @ALLways wow it hurts to hurt people! I don't like me. How can you?
I've destroyed A LOT of trust - like probably all and any that I had.

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways and this conversation thread can NEVER be exposed!

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways she was devastated that I lied...again. And I can't blame her - I'm a sick person

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways she's gonna make me make the decision but isn't going to sit back and wait for me to do it - not sure what that means but I told her I was trying and that I would make the decision as soon as I figured it out. I'm sure the therapist can help with that!

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways S wrote me ask how long would it take before she'd be able to believe that me saying you and I talking about "work" was truly that. I didn't reply....

missingUSon May 03, 2016

@ALLways not a good night. And all I can think about right now;
N called S to talk about everything. S told N that you told her that your counselor said you shouldn't be with me and that you should me with M. How come you didn't tell ME that? I feel like that was pretty big.....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways and I maintained that the phone conversation S say me having with you was WORK.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS can you call me now?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I want to talk this through and not on here.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry I called you making you quite possibly risk everything. I needed you to hear my voice and I needed to hear yours. I hate the hurt we are causing and I hate the hurt we are feeling. For the first 2 1/2 weeks we were feeling the pain of heartbreak, the pain of losing the love of a lifetime. Then last week, we talked and that pain went away. Are we being a detriment to our marriages by us talking YES, does it sound logical to us that we need this to find closure, YES but what we need to decide is whether or not we can get through the pain of letting go of US and give it our all with our spouses and not feel resentful for them or them ending up feeling resentful and leaving anyway. These are things we can't figure out alone. We need help. We are getting that help.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways sometimes the juice is worth the squeeze. That phone call was That. But it can Never come out and neither can this. NEVER.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS NEVER

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS Did you tell them what the "work" call was about? I just want to make sure our stories are straight.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways you're right we need help. But why does it feel like our talks are helping us? They aren't. The only thinking they are helping is US. And we know the consequences of US. Yet we keep risking it all....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways no but just say it was about the guy coming in for lunch(from way back when).

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS ok if asked I'll say it was about that and then if asked more I'll say he contacted you about it and we talked and said we can't.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS OUR talks are only helping US. We both want US. We both know that US comes with endless consequences. We need to figure out if those consequences are with it.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways is it this simple:
Choose US and the hurt is endless and touches everyone - particularly C,C,W, C.
Choose them and the only people hurting are You and Me?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS M asked me this morning if we got together would we still feel the same for each other after going to work everyday together like we would be with each other all the time and what if the people at work completely shut us out and we were truly alone just us. I didn't really have a good answer but in my head all I could think was YES we would make it! But would we? I feel like we would but what if it was too much would we end up resenting each other and then end up alone? I am just saying these things as thoughts so don't take anything to heart. We have to think of all of these things.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS you are right, it is that simple

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS omg this song I've never heard it but it's amazing

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS Listen to Better Place by Rachel Platten on @AppleMusic.
itun.es/us/…

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS here is the question that just popped in my head, do we love each other enough to let go of US so we don't hurt everyone, mainly C,C,W,C? They are all I can think about. YOU and them...

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I don't want you to hurt C and C. We wouldn't be ok with that. I don't want to hurt W and C. We wouldn't be ok with that....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways we said we loved eachother enough to let go - but we didn't. Now we have NO choice if we are going to avoid hurting them.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways we would need to let go of our "favorite thing"

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways Forever

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS forever is a long time

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS are we making this decision today? Do you want to see what your therapist says? Or do we just decide here and now and let the heartbreak start all over?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS We will have heartbreak but at least no one else gets hurt. Is this the right choice, probably, but man it hurts so bad.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways yes it is. And we would have to do it in a way that is "I'm hurting and dead inside" but inspired to live a happy life with the people around me. Cause if either of us sees otherwise from one another - we'll fall apart.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways CANT do it in a way that is "I'm hurting and dead inside"

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS we can say 'letting go' but I know I'll never let you out of my heart. If I have to tuck you away in a safe place and let you stay there forever, I will. I love you more than life itself.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I haven't been yet - you tell me, is the therapist really going to reveal to us a way?
A way to minimize/avoid hurting?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways then why isn't the risk worth it?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways you would have to let me go - completely. Like out of your heart even otherwise you'd never heal.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways and again it can't be a crushing thing cause you're getting something REALLY great! And protecting....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS maybe I don't want to heal

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS but it is crushing Baby

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS it crushes my every being to think of letting you completely out of my heart. Like so much that I would need to get a new job.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS if I have to let you go then I can't see you. Seeing you makes me happy seeing you makes me love you even more...

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways that would fade. I believe that. Not overnight or in a week or 2 weeks. But as the months pasted it would fade.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways it's crushing me too! Like I don't know how I'm gonna go on???

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS why does "one call away" have to be on right now

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways but I know I couldn't be happy if I didn't KNOW that you were. Like I couldn't wonder, I would have to 100% know she is happy ALL THE TIME. Cause if not the moment doubt crept in....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways on in my car too

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS if you believe that it would fade then maybe it's not worth the risk

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways and you would have to believe that I was 100% happy - there can't be any doubt.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS What is happy?? Does happy even exist?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I'll just look for a new job....

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways it would fade cause our minds would kill it and force it. Certainly not cause I want it to cause I don't. I'm trying to protect IT with everything I've got!

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways don't do that. Please.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I will never be 100% happy without you. So getting a new job would be the only way to keep the doubt away. To make sure you stayed happy with your life.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways that will make it worse cause then you truly will allways wonder.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways do you want to just say F@ck it?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways or do you want to commit to something?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways and I'm not saying decide Now. I'd like to get to 1 appointment and ask why I'm risking everything? Why am I willing to hurt everyone for my own happiness? Does that make me a monster who will never be truly happy?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS those are the exact questions I want to ask and find answers to.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways but at some point and probably soon, we as in each of us individually need to commit to something and go after it 100%. Or we'll never take a real step forward. We shuffle along like we have been but that's not what either of us wants.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS but I can tell you if we commit to them, I don't think I can see you. I'm never going to stop wondering whether you are in front of me or not. In my heart right now, I know you are who I want to be with but I don't want to hurt my kids and everyone else. I don't want to have to struggle even more than we already do for money. Are all these things worth it to me YES....I want you, I choose you. But choosing you isn't fair to anyone and if I just walk away from you then I'm making the decision I'm deciding to let you move on without me always here making you wonder.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I want to choose you too. But all that stuff is rational. Do I believe WE would make it work - yes I do. But again WE would have to be 100% committed to that. And if we weren't we would have to communicate every feeling and emotion we were sharing so that we didn't all anything to eat at or or break US down.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS Why do I feel like that will NEVER be an issue with US. We have always shared everything, every feeling and emotion.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS But you are right, if we commit to them it would have to be 100%. You and I can't decide to be together today, next week or next month. We need time but it's not fair to them to keep them waiting.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS like you said earlier it's as simple as hurting US or hurting everyone else.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS what happens if we choose them and then we just can't shake each other and 3 years down the road we realize we made a mistake letting go. Or what if 3 years down the road they are like Nope, you did this horrible thing long ago and I was second choice and I'm out now. What if, what if, what if......

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways it hasn't been an issue but we could never let it develop into one. So when we were struggling with the reality of the situation we would have share and explain those feeling and not allow them to be bottled up and held inside for resentment to manifest itself.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways and please don't talk about a new job regardless. You have a great job and it provides for you and your family. If you are 100% committed to them it isn't going to matter that I'm there. You throwing that away would devastate me - cause I'd feel responsible. Forever.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I'm not sure if it as easy as hurting them or hurting US.
BUT WHY CAN I SO EASILY SAY HURT THEM? Am I they selfish or do I have that much conviction in US?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways the what ifs will be there for a long t

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways ...be there for a long t

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways...be there for a long time but they'll never go away if it's not a 100% commitment.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I know this is REAL!
But I know seeing children cry is going to be real too.....and that is going to hurt worse than anything we've felt thus far.
Am we strong enough to lean on eachother to get through that. We have had our own little tests but this would be a whole new level.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS when we say "hurt them" we are talking our spouses. But there are kids to think about. We know we don't want to hurt them. Choosing US will hurt them. But will not choosing US hurt them down the road when they see their parents not completely happy?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I know to move on with them we have to commit 100% but for me no matter what it will always be 99%. ALLways.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I know that US is strong enough to get through the pain our kids will face. I have no doubts in OUR relationship. Not one single doubt.....never have and never will. I am just struggling with the hurt the kids will feel. If I'm hurting this bad I can't imagine what tearing their lives apart will do to them. Colton has enough on his plate, I haven't even told you he has to be held back next year. Carlee has my emotions and she will be so confused. I am just so scared. Scared to hurt them and scared to lose you, lose US.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways it will hurt the kids. No doubt. Will the love they see between US be enough to get them through the pain. You reminded me of something and I know it's true - those kids WILL feel our love.
But will putting them 1st and above all(where they need to be) ruin US? Will we drift away and lose the connection that is at our core?Not cause we "want to" but because life will steal our shine.
How will we keep the tree growing and the love burning?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways .....breathing but just barely.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I wish I could offer you a hug

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS If only I could feel your arms around me just one more time..

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I know in my core that we would fight for US. We may feel like we are slipping cause life gets in the way but we would be open and honest and communicate.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS But maybe that's not enough, maybe US knowing still isn't enough to make shattering all those kids have ever known worth it.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I believe that too. We would ALLways find US. We'd lose some shine but still sparkle.
But given that news - is too much?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways too much risk? Too much hurt?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I don't know Baby, I just don't know

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways maybe not knowing tells us everything

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS Risking our kids happiness for US would be completely selfish. But risking their happiness in the future by staying isn't fair either.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways so what do we do?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I don't know...

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways cause what I wants hasn't changed. I want to choose you and commit to you. That's completely self and the things holding US back are telling me and you "don't do it". But I want to so bad!!!!

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I want to fight for US. But don't want to lose US during the fight.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I agree 100%

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I feel like M might know we talked. He asked me if I have seen or talked to you today. I told him no you aren't here. He said good that makes me feel better. Then later he said. "All the details are on the table. Correct." I said I'm not sure what that means but yes.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I don't want the pain we inflict on the kids and delay their development.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways N is done with me if any of this is revealed. I'm holding on by a thread there. Like a single thread....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS he told me that if you and I touched again it would be over but I feel like if he knows I am hiding something he will be done anyway. You said that our call this morning can't come out and it won't unless he asks me or has proof but is US hiding that telling us we don't want them to find out and be done or are we just scared of the hurt we will cause??

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I know you need to do what's best for you but I need you to know where I'm at too. All of this needs to stay between US. And maybe even die with US...

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS it will ALLways stay between US.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I hate reading die with US...

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I'm scared of the hurt and not on them. That's there already

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS The hurt on our babies

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways you can confidently say there has been no touching. But anthing else needs to stay here.

I hate hate hate that US could die. Like probably the most of all the hurt. Am I selfish??!!!???

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I'm telling you he or anyone better have proof. It can't be just him asking your 2x if your lying. It can't have happened or the decision is made.....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS no you are not selfish, you are in love

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways and right now I'm searching for an answer not a decision.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I will not tell him we talked today. I will not tell him about this. You know that.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS me too, I want an answer to why we are willing to cause this hurt.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways can I tell you that as bad as my night was, I hoped yours was worse. And that you made a decision. And whatever it was(whatever worse means) I would have felt a sense of relief knowing what I needed to do.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I'm not longer talking about any of the hurt expect the little 4.
Can we get through that. I'm not saying get over it - cause we will struggle. But could we overcome. ALL of US Me, You, C, C, W, C

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I totally understand

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I agree and have said that from the start, the little 4 are my #1 concern. I feel that we could overcome the hurt but it will NOT be easy.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways could we build a bubble for the 6 of us to thrive - be happy, laugh, learn, play... ?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways nothing worth gettin is easy!

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I know we've said it but if we truly believe it then it isn't purely a selfish decision. Cause we'd be believing that we are Bettering their lives!

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS that bubble sounds like the happiest place on earth to me.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS can I ask you something?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways and we'd have to believe in it so much that we'd say it when people asked why.
At least to those who we felt needed to know the truth behind our actions.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways of course

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I am stuggling with helping him feel like I'm trying and connecting. All he want to do is touch and be positive. I give him what he needs but my heart is not in it. I feel like that is giving him false hope. What are your daily interactions with her? Do you feel like you push her away so you don't feel a connection with her and lose the one you have with me or is it just cause there is no emotional spark with her. Obviously that what was missing for both of us and that's what lead to US.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS after you answer me, listen to this. M sent it to me and asked me to listen so I did. I know how it made me feel and I want to see how it makes you feel.

m.youtube.com/…

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways after the 1st week her and I were in a good place were were connecting mentally and physicall(2x) and then it hit me like a truck that I might always have this self doubt and I started pulling back and push myself away. Even though she was trying to show me I should be "picking her" I didn't want that. So I closed up just like had been doing prior to it all coming out - probably more so even.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS that is EXACTLY what I did. The 1st week, I let him in and even felt a little connection but the next week, it was like no I'm still feeling a void.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways since that 1st week I don't even text her much at all. Cause like you I'm trying to limit the interactions that give false hope. She had turned cold towards me since Tuesday and now is very cold today.
Since Tuesday we've hardly touched...

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS He is still showing me I should "pick him". But I'm still pushing him away. I'm too scared to lose you.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS How does her being cold to you make you feel?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways it bothers me but I haven't shed a tear about it at this point.
But I think there is truth to the fact that both of us want them to be cold and push us away so we don't have to make the decision. They make it for us

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS Do you think that you could find a connection with her?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I watched the video. Sounds like you're gonna be going to church. Which is great. Which is great! I know I've felt better having cleared my conscious of my actions. But church hadn't changed my heart or my gut.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I think I could with M if I tried with my whole heart. But like I told you before, I can't do anything whole heartedly if it means you are not in my life.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS the church aspect is not what I'm talking about. How did their story make you feel?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I can't go back to that 1st week and create that cause That didn't last.
So I'd have to be 100%

Are you going to resent him for making you leave a great job they you enjoy. Especially when money is tight?
I know I would.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS It took them 3 years to get back to feeling that they had a connection. 3 YEARS. Why wait 3 years to feel what WE are feeling right NOW.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS Leaving my job was never even an option. It's only an option if we choose them....not saying I will leave my job but I do not feel I would ever be strong enough to see you and not want to love you.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS the song I sent you earlier is on again. I swear every word she is singing it everything we are. My favorite part is "you love the way I am". You do...you love me for me.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I can't imagine having 3 years of that kind of patience. There story was similar to the ones I heard last weekend. Those people REALLY want it.
I question what I want....cause no one agrees with it.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I want that, I crave that, I miss feeling that. I miss you. I love you. I need you. I want you.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I Do.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways and you do the same for me. I open up differently. At least I thought I did

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS You don't love me for who I was when I was 21. You love me for who I am now!

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS you have no problems opening up to me and telling me everything. And I feel the same. I need and want to tell you everything.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways that's cause you're really awesome....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I have to same desire to tel you everything. Even the stuff I shouldn't

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS You love me for who I am now and who I want to be in the future....someone who lives life to the fullest.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS we are awesome together Baby

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS We know that we are not perfect but perfect for each other. But we have to get back to the little 4....

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I thought of something after reading your texts with you mom. She mentioned N leaving with the kids. I thought oh my goodness, if she leaves(and when I say leave I mean move away) it won't just be you it affects. Your mom sees them so often and what about Breah. I hate to think that they won't be able to see them whenever they wanted. I hate thinking that you won't see them whenever you want, I hate thinking I won't get to see them. I miss them too. I love them too.....

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I don't believe Nickie would do anything that extreme. She knows that my family is going to support her no matter what. Could she move to GR yeah she could, but that would be it would be my responsibility to make sure their cousin life is still there. And I know WE would do that.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

I think N is convinced you'll be a wicked step mother but I know nothing could be further from the truth. Would it be different with someone else, yeah but they would feel the love. And neither of us is expecting to be the all powerful parent. At least I'm not.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS yes WE would but what about the rest of our family....mainly your sisters???? I'm scared to death of them.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I would never be an evil step-mother. I love them, my kids love them. There would be so much love....so much REAL love. So much TRUE love!

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS did you ever read the thing about soulmates and mirrors?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways any interaction with S today?
Please remember that this conversation need to be protected at costs.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS no I haven't talked to her and she hasn't talked to me but I've avoided her. It bothers me that she doesn't ever talk to me or ask me about things. I feel like she is not really my true friend.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS don't worry this conversation will stay a secret.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways she's trying to be a friend to everyone and it's just spread her thin. I actually sympathize for but know I need to cut my cord. And I thought that would hurt but it's nothing compared to the hurt in my heart

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways thank you

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS is the hurt in your heart bc you are thinking about letting US go?

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways the hurt is because is don't want to. In spite of every reason to do so!

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways and I don't want to EVER

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS Be honest with me. If you are ready to take that step then do it.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I want to let our sun shine down. On US AND the little 4!!!!

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I want each of us to have the process but maybe we don't get it. I want to know what happens when you tell your counselor this

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS that made me smile so big

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways I can't just do it - just like you can't. Cause it's forcing the others hand

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS you mean when I tell her we have talked and we just can't imagine ever stopping US....and we believe in US so much that we are not being selfish but positive for our kids so they see a TRUE love?!

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I meant just take the step to choose her

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS if that is what you truly think is best. I don't know what is best and you are right we need time but maybe we don't get it.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways yes I want to know what her reaction to you "choosing" US is going to be. Did she tell you you shouldn't be talking to me?

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I can't and don't want to force what could be the biggest decision in my life. Even though my actions are saying ice decided.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS she asked me if we talked and I told her yes but she didn't say whether I should or shouldn't

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS she is mainly just listening to me at this point and giving incite when I say something she thinks is important to how I am feeling.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I will ask her on Monday. I go back Monday at 5:30.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I am sure she is going to say no. Why would anyone but us think it's a good idea for us to talk.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS I need you to promise me that if you talk to your counselor and you feel like you need to really try 100% to make your marriage work and let US go. Then please do that please, hurt me. I can not and will not hold you back from what will make you happy.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS cause just like you said you wanted me to have a worse night and have a decision for you. just like you, I am waiting for someone to make this decision for me.

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@missingUS if I could choose and not hurt those 4 little people I would have been with you months ago...

ALLways...on May 04, 2016

@ALLways sorry I stopped to talk to my Dad and it led to an hour plus long discussion. He wants to come out to my house to talk to both of us tonight. Not sure what he's gonna say...my head is swirling.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I know what I want to choose - You. But like you want to me more confident for the little 4. I want to get there....

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways but I feel the exact same as you. If you hear and believe that you can be happy else where or just can stand that possible hurt on your kids - then hurt me. Make it hurt so good. Come on Baby make it hurt so good cause sometimes love don't feel like it should...

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I still can't believe these songs, they ARE US!!

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways I'll update you as I can but don't feel like you have to reply if you feel like this talking is ruining any chance you have left.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@ALLways and just to be clear - you and I both KNOW what would make me happy. Just as I KNOW what would make you happy. We don't doubt that. Never have, never will.
It's confidence we lack, not belief.

missingUSon May 04, 2016

@missingUS I knew you had to stop talking for a reason like that. I hope the talk helped. Let me know how it went please.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways the 1st talk went ok. But then he came to our house to talk to both of us and it was one of the most powerful experiences I've ever been part of. After he left we talked for hours not fighting but with an understanding of everything that I'm feeling - about myself, about You, and about her. And with me hearing her thoughts and feelings about me, herself, and even you.
In the end the ONLY thing she asked was that you and I don't let talking influence the help we are receiving from a professional. Because it would be a detriment to either of us actually getting better. And that's what she wants for me and you(as much as she hated to say it about you).
While talking feels good - REALLY good right now, if it's derailing any attempts at making YOU happy and figuring out that only YOU can make yourself happy(others can help - but only for so long. Then YOU have to have that happiness inside you).

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I'm not trying to cut ties and run like I talked about before(last time). That didn't work and I doubt it would if that was the attempt we made. I'm saying I need to give you a chance though and I kinda need you to tell me where that line is so that I don't cross it. Once you've had the opportunity and have found the insight, answer, or comfort to make a decision then I'd like to be able to sit down and discuss it together.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I wish I could tell you so much more but I don't want to steal the process for you. You deserve that for yourself.
I can tell you that I'm not running away or abandoning you or US. I just REALLY feel like for anyone to be happy including US, you and I need this.
Do we deserve to be happy with our lives - YES WE DO. But it's a process. What's meant to be, will be. But we have to respect the process. We owe to ourselves to discover what happy is, especially of what we think would make us happy is the ultimate path. We owe to the little 4, M & N. And all our family and friends.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways please ask me ANY questions you have so that you have no doubt and I know you understand. I'll tell you ALL I can but don't want to be detriment to Your process. So if l pass on some questions it's because I think it would influence to or lead you someplace that You need to find on your own.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I have not made a decision but I am more comfortable with the consequences that come with a choice. And will find peace - but only if I can find happiness within.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS thank you for sharing and thank you for being you. I am so glad that you have people in your life that are willing to reach out and open you eyes heart and mind. I am in such a terrible place this morning. I can't stop crying. I don't even know what to say what to feel or what to do.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways well you can talk to me to start. I'm not going to lean you someplace but I'm going to listen.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways and remember God doesn't make junk!

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways your emotions are neither right nor wrong. They are yours and in this moment that are what you feel....

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways and if you can't talk to me, tell me and I'll find someone for you to talk to.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I was in V's office for the last hour. I cried the whole time but it felt good to tell her how I am feeling. She was helpful.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS I would really like to have a face to face conversation with you. Maybe that can't happen. But I did tell M this morning I may need to talk to you more. I don't know when or where but I feel like if we are ever going to make a choice we need to get it all out there.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways as long as it's not going to derail you I'll do whatever I can to help you.
M is asking me to call him so I'm going to do that now.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS please let me know what he says

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I think you and I need have this face to face today. I've ask N and will ask M. You should ask M too

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I told him that you said we need to talk face to face today and asked him if that would be ok with him.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways he told me that over the phone and I just wrote and asked him if he was ok with that happening today.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I will tell you everything and I trust that I will be getting the same from you. I question that a little based on what people say to me but I know that sometimes I've said things to people(OTHER THAN YOU) simply because I think it's what they want or need to hear.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I have to take 11:30 lunch today. Do you want to do it then. Where would you like to do it?

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS I will tell you everything but I want to hear about your talks last night. I am not in the place you are today. I am still lost scared and confused.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways 11:30 works for me. I don't know what we'll do. We'll just get in the car and drive or we'll go sit at SMC.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I will tell you everything.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I know you're not there and I don't want to force you there.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@Allways I even have a dream that I had last night

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I love this song....I promise that you'll never be lonely. I am a lost boy from neverland. Run run lost boy

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS lost boys like me are free

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I can tell you this right now. And I told N this and I told M this today. Down to my core to the blood that pumps through my body - I can't move forward without KNOWING you are happy and will do anything and everything to ensure that. I understand the consequences of saying that. But it is who I am and I stand up to them.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS you are a good man, never let anyone tell you any different. We have so much to say to each other and I am so happy we are getting this opportunity. Thank you for making it happen.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I wish we could go NOW!

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I see a lot of hurt in your eyes and that just hit me!!!!!

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I see a lot of hope in your eyes and that helped with my hurt

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS this song...

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways you're an incredible women that's why I'm here. That's why I have peace in a moment that I'm going to make myself the most vulnerable that I've ever experienced.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I need you to help me Baby, help me

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I will give you all I have. Every last drop....

I might have some peace but I'm scared out of my mind. You are not alone. And you never will be.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS 1 hour is not going to be long enough

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways Not long enough to give you all I have or not long enough to hear what I've got?

It could be a start.
Or it could be the beginning...

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS 1 hour to hear what you have to say.

A new beginning...

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I'm losing it

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS don't lose it

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS you are the strong one today

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS today you need to be strong for me please be strong for me

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways and just like that I get stregth. From tears down my face to a sense of calm before the storm....

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS sugar, yes please

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS thank you for talking with me today. I am racking my brain trying to think of what the future is going to bring for me and for us. You telling me that you would choose me is hard cause you know I choose you too but then you turn around and say we need the process. I get that we need the process, we have been saying that all along but I am just....I am just.....

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways you are going through the process. Today I think you realized something. You realized what you want....a Heart FULL of love. Now let the process guide you to it. You might think you know today but we don't. If we didn't we wouldn't second guess. Lean on people to help even when you wonder if they are - they might say something that at the time means nothing but 5 days laters speaks to you. And you can reach back out and ask if you understand things clearer.
I don't want you to think I DECIDED. And now you should. I was just opening myself up and being vulnerable.
If you think that heart full of love can be found in your house than I want you to GO GET IT. But if the process reveils that it's not there M is going to be much more accepting of anything.

I didn't end up stopping to talk to him - he's was too busy.
Nickie was kind of a wreck thinking closure was gonna take place and that a decision was working itself out. I told her that it didn't happen. And as nice as it was to have that opportunity, in some sense we question if we accomplished much at all.
But it meant lot to ME to have that moment...and it is part of the process for me.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways are you scared to make a decision?

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways cause I am.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS no I'm scared of what my decision will do to our kids

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways but I know one thing. You will catch me. And I will catch YOU. Don't doubt that.
When you know...you'll know. And I'll know that you know. And WE will support eachother decision.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I just had a talk with someone here, someone I talked to Friday and I think you should really talk to her too. She said some things that she saw when talking to me on Friday and she knew my decision was made then.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS I know it is still too soon to really "decide" but are we trying just to say we tried?

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways and please remember THIS is the safe place. It doesn't go further

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways tell me who and what

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways I just talked to M for like an hour and a half on the phone

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS It was AF sits by V's office

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS she said after hearing me say that it was more than affair it was true love she could see in my eyes that I knew what I wanted. She is actually thinking that may be what's best as much as it will hurt everyone. Now she didn't want to tell me cause she didn't want to hurt my process but im glad she did.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS what did you and M talk about? How are you feeling now?

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I glad you found someone to confide in

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS this will ALLways be a safe place.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways see if AF believes in you than you can't be all bad ;)

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways we talked about Everything. Like everything and he gets it for the most part but doesn't like the idea of losing. Losing you....

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I don't think that changes what we need to do for ourselves but it was a sense of relief that maybe people will eventually get it. I'm not sure how you want to approach her if you do without telling her I told you to. I said she should talk to you but she said she's not sure you want to

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS what do you mean like everything...I am going to have to have a conversation with him too. I don't know what to say or what I shouldn't.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I will talk to ANYONE. I don't have the same reservations as maybe be should in these situations. For crying out loud I talk to your husband!

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways tell me that. That you don't know. Tell him how you feel today and that it's a death sentence it's just a feeling and listen to his. I know it sounds so simple...

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways * tell HIM that

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@ALLways we talked about how it went talking today. And how I think it all started way back when. And how important I think allowing you to find happiness within was. And how important a positive communication channel is for the future regardless of what happens - and that he should want that for himself

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS how do you think it started way back when? You've never even told me that

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS I'm just scared what I say isn't gonna match what you said and then it seems like we are lying. I know it was like we thought we were gonna figure this all out and have closure but we didn't.

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I'm not sure I can explain it here but someday I'll give you that.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS umm ok...

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry to say umm ok but I'm just scared. This is a life changing decision and I'd like to know what lead you to me

ALLways...on May 05, 2016

@ALLways I understand where you're coming from. I'm not even entirely sure. But I don't want to do it "here". Cause I will feel like I'm blaming or making an excuse.

missingUSon May 05, 2016

@missingUS I'm not entirely sure what lead me to you either. But your counselor will help you realize what was missing in your primary relationship that lead you to seek something from someone else. For me it was probably a lot of little things but the main one is the emotional connection. I didn't realize until now that he and never really had that, he likes to think we did but we just didn't.

He and I had a terrible night. I feel asleep and woke up feeling the most alone and scared I have ever been. EVERYONE tells me I need to find me, learn to love me or no answer will be found. But all I feel is pressure, pressure to "fix what was broke in my marriage". He says you won't even try, you won't even say you want to try then he says love yourself I'll give you time then in the next sentence it's you don't ever want to help us get better. I just get so confused. Then he's telling me what you and be talked about and making it sound like you are manipulating me and even him to get what YOU want. While I KNOW that's not true, like you, when you hear it, doubt creeps in. It's scary. I have been thinking about something you said yesterday, you said that when you stopped talking you your dad that when things started to "spiral downward". That's when you let go of trying with her and focused on seeing how unhappy I was. Hearing you say "downward" made me feel like, hmm, maybe I am bringing him down. Maybe he wants me to just let him go so he doesn't have to be the one to cause my pain.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS If I let go of US, I know in my soul that I will never stop feeling pain. I decided that on my way to the office this morning. Even if my quest in finding ME leads to staying with M I will NEVER let go of my love for you. EVER, will that mean I'm living a happy life yes, I will fake the most happy life anyone has every seen. And maybe someday I will truly be happy. I'm sorry to be such a downer but I am just feeling like all the pressure is on me and I honestly do not feel like I have anyone backing me up or caring about how I TRULY feel.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I know we should not talk anymore but you are the only one I can be truly open and honest with. So today we can chat but then maybe after that we should be done like you said yesterday this can be an outlet for when we are weak. I just don't know...how I can go on.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways 1st things 1st. Good Morining. It's nice to see the sun to start the day. I bet like me you're looking forward to feeling it's warmth....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I'm sorry to hear you had a tough night. I was hoping that my talk with him would open up the communication channel not continue to constrain it. I'm trying to be as honest as I can be and if that is construed as manipulation then I guess I know what I'm not typically honest with people - cause no one believes me anyway(what doesn't apply to you in any way, shape or form!)

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways with regard to the "pressure" - I'm sorry if you are feeling that particularly if it's from me. I'm not trying to push you AT ALL. I want you to take your time - and not even so much so you can find you. Cause I've seen you. I've looked DEEPER ;) in your eyes than anyone and I see you. And it is AMAZING!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways so much so that I want everyone to see it. I want you to be comfortable and confident enough to let your love shine down.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways and you could probably say the same to me! With you I'm the truest I've ever been. I've already found that. I know that.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry I should have asked how your night was instead of ranting about mine. How was your night?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS You aren't "pushing" me but I feel like for me the decision has been made but I just can't look M or C or C in the eyes and see there devastation. I know it's too soon to really decide and I need to love myself but when it comes down to it I just can't

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways you are not bringing me down and I think I either mis-spoke or was misunderstood. I spiraled downward cause I had lost sight of what made Me happy. I was trying change too fast and not allowing myself the opportunity to reflect and I had no one who HEARD what I said. They listen but I'm not sure they were hearing me. That makes us feel alone. I can't go forward if you aren't moving forward. In some sense I feel like I got you here and as your best friend I want to help you find a way. I could not do that. It was forbidden and that crush me to my core. It wasn't YOU, it was who I am and my desire to make you happy. You don't get to take a lick of blame.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways and those feeling have not and will not EVER go away or even fade. So if you think that I'm going to "stop talking to you" then you're mistaken. Cause I'm not going to let you sink. I'm gonna keep coming back over and over and over till I can help by best friend. I'm sure no one wants to hear that. But at my core it is ME. You know that about me.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways and I believe you when you say the decision is there. Want I hope for you is that you don't just stop the process because it's what you feel right now. Maybe it is. But maybe in 2 weeks or 3 more sessions you'd feel just a LITTLE" different. Maybe someone will say 1 thing to you and you'll think long and hard and just move an inch. You might not even think you want to move but you, because your open to trying. It might not be 100% trying even if it's 1% today - that ok. You don't need to feel pressure to be any higher than that.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS Blame is on US. We did something that neither of us ever thought we could do. So please do not blame yourself for this. We are in this together.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you are saying the most amazing things. You are truly an amazing man and I want to be with you ALLways. But I have to say something that I think we both are thinking and too scared to say. It may be what is stopping us from trying....

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I know that I love you and want to be with you but I also know that neither of us is giving our spouse the chance that they deserve. We are shutting them out because we are scared to lose US. I think that if both of us really tried, like you said even if it was just 1%, we would be able to find something in us that knows we need to stay. You say you just want me to be happy but you need to be happy too and so does she, you want her to be happy too. You've loved her over half your life. Please honestly tell me that you don't think you could find happiness with her.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS like I said earlier, I know that I can find happiness with him if I tried but even in trying and going through my life as usual, I will never let go of my love for you.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways there will be ups and downs and sometimes even some false hope.
And maybe in the end you do just "decide" to keep faking it. Maybe the consequences of disrupting C & C are just too much! That's ok. Your right maybe you would find your happy(after feeling like you're faking it). Cause I think what that means is that THEY are what truly make you happy and you'll sacrifice your own happiness for Them.
Thats not letting go of me or US. At least not in my eyes. That's you finding you and letting your love shine down.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I told M this and N this too. We talked about what life would be for you and I if all this was discovered. But the 1 thing we NEVER talked about was the possibility of you and I not being friends.
That was NEVER a possibility and to this day, I can't move from that. How would it work I have NO CLUE! But I'm not budging.
While I mowed last night I thought about a lot and I thought you know if I could make a deal with the devil, that said M & R are happy, N & N are happy....but N & R have a friendship that is healthy and respectful. Would M and N accept that??

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I don't think that would every happen but it sure sounds nice. However, that being said as I read it i thought about what a healthy and respectful relationship would be for you and me....I'm not sure it could ever be just friends. Do you?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I don't know. I thought yesterday was healthy and respectful. We had desires and urges but we respected the line.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I also think you hit the nail on the head by saying I could find my happiness as long as my kids are happy. But how do I know they won't be happy if you and I are together if we never take the chance. That's the scary part, once the chance is taken there is no going back. I would not regret it because I KNOW you and I would be happy ALLways but if our kids suffer we would too.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS but how long would we respect the line???

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways but maybe there is just too much there. We've failed at that in the past. Would we learn or just fall back to what changed our lives forever.....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I agree with you. We would happy and they would get everything we could give. But would it be enough for them?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I don't know Baby, I don't know

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS but I do know that I love you and ALLways will

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I also know that I love them and inspite of what people are saying they are all I think about

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you never told me how your night was...

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways it was kind of a mixed bag. N and I communicated well but I can tell its rough for her. She's willing to be patient for me to figure out ME. She anxious for me to go talk to a professional. And is going to make an appointment for herself as well.
I mean my mind never really goes anywhere else. I'm sure none of our do. And that just kind of keeps us in this constant "reserved" state of mind.
I want to just LAUGH and joke.....and be ME!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways well I'm not sure who is telling your otherwise cause I KNOW what and who you are thinking and agonizing over!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways yesterday was a really weird day. Very emotional.
I thought I had productive conversations but maybe I didn't.....maybe people just don't understand me. Maybe I don't explain well enough or I explain it like it is in my head and the message is misconstrued.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I am glad she is getting help too. I wish M would.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways he will. You know how he is - he'll research to find the right one before just going and getting one.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS Baby...I understand you. The conversations were productive but didn't really resolve anything. We all feel the same. I am like you any communication we have always leads to the same thing and then he gets upset or says something and I get upset, last night i wanted to just leave and drive for a while, it was 11:00 at night but I just needed to be away. I've begged for space and he says he's gonna give it but NEVER does. He says he wants me to find myself but then pleads to know if I am willing to work on our marriage.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I am like you, I just want to laugh and joke and be me!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS he said something to me last night that I can't get out of my head...we were talking about our relationship pre N&R and he said I loved who were. I paused and said "who was I?"

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways (I'm shaking my head)

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I don't want to "go there" cause there are a lot of things I could say.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways but just as you were shocked at that statement, so am I.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS and you know what he paused...he didn't have an answer. That crushed me. Of course he felt like I was testing him and maybe I was but that wasn't my intention.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I know you understand. That's why all this feels right. Cause we agree. Are our minds cloudy - yes they are. But just cause someone tells you it's cloudy outside doesn't mean the clouds go away. They might eventually but until they do, its better to make the best of a cloudy day. Rather than lamenting in the fact!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS he immediately said well who am I and I listed then things that came to my head. He got defensive and said I'm sorry I'm not emotional and can express those things and I'm not good with words. I felt bad and told him so but he wasn't like I'm sure N would have been able to say lots of things. I didn't say anything out loud but in my head I knew exactly what you would say.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS then it came to me....maybe I haven't changed like people, including me and you, have said. I think I am the same person I have always been. I've just learned to express myself more.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you helped me do that, you helped me come out of my shell

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways again maybe I'm cloudy but I can't say I've known anyone else beside you. I never have nor ever will understand the differences that people claim existed between "old" you and "new" You. Cause YOU is all I recognize.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways what do you think I would have said?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I think you would have said, you're Rudy, this crazy emotional, sensitive, fun loving, big hearted dork that I can't live without.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS and if you would have asked who you are, I would say, you are the man of and in my dreams that has so much compassion and emotion and a man who lifts me up when I am down and I lift him up when he is down. I know your vulnerable side, I know you are sensitive and seem so confident on the outside but you are more shy and reserved on the inside. A man looking for happiness and fun and love. A man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to get it. You are the man who came into my life and changed in ways I never thought possible.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways ✅✅✅✅✅
I'm glad you got dorky in there!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I think I'll keep going...

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways HEY - that does sound like Me!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS you're so funny and make me laugh like I've never known. You're laugh and smile light my life!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I am kinda funny. I use humor to find a lot of real feelings - especially sad stuff cause all I want is to make others happy and if we laugh we smile. And smiling makes me happy. "It's my favorite!"

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways ironically you get such a kick of me, that I end up laughing with you - and then at you :)

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS yes you do use your humor for everything! Sometimes too much!! But that's you and that who I love!!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS smiling is my 2nd favorite....you are my "favorite thing". I woke up singing that song today.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I should have listed clutzy for me!! Cause you always do have reasons to laugh at me!!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS gosh I miss you

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways your actually really smart too. I guess I don't know about your book smarts and I don't really care about that. You're savy smart. And a Really good friend to people that confide in you. And you're protective of those people that are close to you - fiercely.
You like to try new things - even stuff that "scares" you. If you feel safe you'll try to make the most of an experience.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS Wow....I guess you know me better than I know myself!! We are some pretty great people!!!! (Insert winking tongue out emoji!)

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I like that you used the word fierce....I'm not sure I'd use that to describe me but I do care about my peps and will protect them!!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS Baby....we are doomed aren't we?! We are never gonna be able to quit each other! Like never ever....

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways you know that toughest part. We are Both so protective US. Like fiercely! And right now people think they can take those shot at you or at me. We might not saying anything to the person but I can FEEL myself getting defensive of you and I start close off to that person. I kinda get the sense that has happen between you and your parents. Maybe I'm wrong....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways nah....we aren't doomed.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS ALLways we aren't gonna quit but I believe if we choose a path, we could carve out a middle ground. NO ONE would understand it. But it's not up to them.

How was it here this afternoon. Did you feel like people were trying to figure it all out?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I think a message from yesterday just popped up. About how people here were yesterday...

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS People here are ALL talking about it and NO ONE except a few know what we truly feel some of this people may still be judging but at least know it wasn't a fling.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I did finally talk to CO, she hasn't talked to me since it came out and neither has AO but i knew since CO saw us I needed to tell her it wasn't what she thought. I'm glad I did, it went well. She understands now but is pissed at us for lying. But we are talking like normal today.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS what do you mean by carving out a middle ground?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways both J and S wrote me last night to tell me they weren't turning there back on me. I appreciated that. I kinda want to reach out to AO but almost don't want to drag her into all this. She'd have a perspective though.... I actually walked over and was gonna ask her to walk at break but decided once I got there, against it.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways middle ground might just mean that we do SOMEHOW maintain a friendship. Not like it once was or anything even close. But one that allows us to communicate and share stories and ideas. There wouldn't be private alone time but there could be conversations between US.
I don't know maybe that crazy.....but neither of us is going to budge on quitting.
Would be change if we knew it was the right reasons?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways particularly if those little 4 are the reasons....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I am planning on talking to AO at some point but I don't think today is a good day. She had something medical done this week and figured she doesn't need added stress.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS just reading that brings tears to my eyes

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways not saying that! I'm just trying to bounce all these things off you and discuss it all.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways this was kinda my "deal with the devil" idea

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways like, I just walked downstairs and look out at the table and chairs and all I want to do is sit out there in the sun and laugh!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS sit out there in then sun and laugh together

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I am glad we are talking like this. This affects our lives too like kind off a lot...how could we not figure it out together

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I literally don't know. We have made many decisions apart for a long time. You kind of are my guidance - as I am yours.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS do you think you would be happy sitting out there with me as "just friends"? Not good friend not best friends cause we could never be that...we would be just casual friends more like acquaintances.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways it doesn't feel like people really get that. They listen.....but do they hear it? Do they want to hear it?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS they do not want to hear what we have to say cause it goes against what we committed to almost 13 and 10 years ago.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS for me I committed 20 years ago and I am now feeling I isn't give myself or even M a fair chance at true happiness

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS why couldn't I have bumped into at one of those footfall games you used to go to when your dad coached...why couldn't I hand met you back then. I know our spark would have flown way back then too!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I don't know why....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways life is filled with "why's" and "ifs".

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS it's all ways and what ifs anymore isn't it

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS omg I typed that before seeing your post!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS but I meant whys and what ifs....we think the same Baby

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I am convinced we share the same soul

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways it's regret that scares me

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways and that can go a lot of different ways

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS regret of hurting the little 4 and letting our families down, letting who we committed our love to down.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I've got something I need to tell you; this is dumb but I keep forgetting about these little things. Here it goes - I've switched the pocket I carry my wallet in. Used to be in my left back pocket. Switched it over to the right side.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways yes those could all be regrets. But don't forget God doesn't make junk. We all make mistakes. People far smarter than us have made commitments that couldn't be or weren't kept. And as long you're not letting yourself down - then I think you'll find peace where ever that takes you.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS thank you for telling me about switching your wallet pocket! How come you did that?!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS what are your plans for the rest of the day? I hate not knowing your schedule.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you always know what to say to me. I don't want to let you down, that would be like me letting myself down

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I can't wait to hear how your apt goes in Monday. I have high hopes that it will really help you.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I actually did it because of the new door opener thing at work. It easier for me to grab my wallet cause I usually carry stuff in my left hand.
I hate not knowing and sharing these kinds of little things!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I'm in the office all day today and Monday. Not sure about next week. Out a few days though. Including an overnight - I'm very apprehensive about that.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways the only way you could let me down is if I see you being someone you're not. If you're true to yourself - you'll be happy- and that's all I want.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways looking forward to it too. I'm thinking the 1st time is the toughest so I'm a little uneasy. But I figure if YOU could do it anyone can! (Insert winkie face with the tongue sticking out)

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS why are you aprehensive? I'd be overjoyed for a night alone right now

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS oh man I was such a mess that 1st time!! (You make me smile). You will do fine. She will need to know the details and then probably go from there. You will do great.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS Hey N, why is it that all you want is for me to be happy? What about yourself, everyone is telling me that I need to find me. You need to find love for your self too. And when you find you, you'll find me.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I really wanna see you face to face so badly right now. I was kinda hoping you'd be here now cause I'm the only one back here!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I'm scared to be alone. Like really really scared. I haven't felt it and I'm scared of my reaction.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways why is your happiness so vital to me? Hmm I think cause in some bizarre twist I've turned selfless when it comes to you. Most people would probably refer to me as a selfish person. I'm materialistic and want to get my way. But i just don't feel that with you. And it's refreshing to truly be putting the needs, wants, and desires of someone else in front of my own. I don't know - maybe that would go away with time. But it hasn't and it's become part of me.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways is it just me or do you have NO appetite? I eat breakfast and some dinner(and that's a struggle). But just can't choke down lunch or even think about a "snack"

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS can I tell you something?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I am exactly the same way about food. Some days are better than others. I never eat breakfast anymore and yesterday I didn't eat a bite of food until dinner.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS Hey N, you are never alone NEVER. When have you felt it? Tell me, talk to me.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS the thing I wanted to tell you was the words you wrote to me just then about why you want to make me happy....THAT is the N I know and those are the exact words that ran through my head last night when M was telling me you are only out for what is good for you. I knew in my soul that you may seem like that with others but with me you are not...we are equal. But I am always above all to you and I feel I do the same for you.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS N and I have only had a handful of texts since this came out but in one of them she said, I didn't know the real N, she said she knows the real N and who he was with me wasn't it. But I think I know the real you, maybe it's you who had changed, maybe I helped you become a man that you never knew you had inside of you. A man I've seen all along.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways well I guess I won't be cause I have this. But it a little different than the access we had before. And I KNOW it can't go there.
And I do have people I can reach out to. But I think you know and understand those moments of empty and alone that occur at times when in the past we would have connected. It's just different. And I'm not even saying bad - cause being a slave to my phones secrecy was a lot of work!

Of course you can tell me something(maybe this is what you meant)

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS how does that make you feel, what I had to say about you

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways you DID do that. THANK YOU. I never had have reservations or hesitations with you it was just Me. I didn't hold back on my feeling or emotions. The only thing I ever felt like I had to do was be strong when you needed me. And that was easy! And so many times even in the same conversation, who was strong and who was weak would change. I don't remember ever crying together.....
You did allow me to be what I think is the true me. Be it only an hour or only whatever. Who knows maybe I'd get tired of being me if it was more than that!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I don't think you would get tired if it was more....I think you'd get more ALIVE

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS now I am going to ask you a question...

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS think of the man you are now, the man you've always been but with a new sense of being selfless. Now, think of your relationship with N. Do you think you could show her then selflessness you have shown me?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS she is a great person and deserves just as much selflessness from you if you stay with her.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I think you're spot on. Equal but each of us was selfless when it came make eachother smile. Even when it was hard to find the strength to do it. We knew we HAD to so we found a way.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS she has catered to your needs and taken care of you for a very long time, she loves you, she deserves to see the man that I have come to know. Can you be that man for her?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways she does deserve it. Now more than ever. Maybe in this process I'll find that strength.
For so long I took advantage of the relationship and didn't make her a top priority. She questioning if she could ever be happy Not Being that anymore.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS She is right, if she knows that I am going to be your top priority then it will eat at her and she will resent you. You need to figure out if you can be that man for her as part of your process. I know you can be it for me but you need to know if you can be it for her.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways it's kinda funny....
Yesterday M said to me that it was like him and I were competing for the same women - his wife. And I actually disagreed. I think he's competing for Love. But all I want is for you to be happy.
The way you are talking you want the same for me.
I think if each of us could give the others spouse the "cheat codes" to get that stuff out of us for them, we'd happily do it.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS So I just need some clarification....at this time she knows that the only thing that will make you happy is if I'm happy?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you are so right...he said countless time last night it's like a game and you 2 are competing for me. I didn't feel it's that at all. He is trying to get my love but isn't thinking about what is going to make me happy. But he is willing to do better and fix what was broken, he wants to try and is being very positive (at times). It's hard hearing him say these things cause all I see is the hurt I am causing him.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS and when you say we would happily give each other's spouse the cheat code...I think yes, if only he could make me feel like N does! But then I think further and it hurts cause I would miss you. I always want you.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways and those same questions need to be asked of you. M is a hard working Man who is so committed to you and your family that he will work all hours of the day to provide for his family. He's got a big heart and values commitment and friendships.
Could you let him see that true You, that I know, who is willing to be spontaneous, a little risky, and a whole lot of fun?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I feel like I have tried that our whole relationship and I always do what is best for others. But he says he is willing to change. So yes I guess with hard work we could make it work.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways it does hurt - we already miss eachother. She's not gonna be you. And he's not gonna be me. They aren't gonna change That much! ;) but that doesn't mean it still can't be good....

Yes she knows that at my core I can't move forward until I believe you're making progress to fulfilling YOUR happiness. Not going through the motions, but actually have success at finding it.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS and knowing that she is willing to stay or she is just waiting to see what the counselor says?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways She feels like you hold all the cards and that her and I can make NO process during your process. I disagree. I fee like if her and I continue communicating and building a connection then there is no telling how I'll feel or she'll feel with each new day.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I feel like what you and I need to decide is if what we would miss is truly OUR relationship or the feeling it gives us. If we think we could get it with them we should stay.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways she is willing to be patient but only if I'm going through my own process. And she wants to find out herself what makes her happy cause she hasn't been for quite some time either. Maybe we truly have changed and grown apart into people that weren't truly happy. Maybe she thought she was but is seeing it differently now...

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways please explain how the feeling and relationship are independent. Cause all I've known is for them to me intermingled in US.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I am feeling the same as her. In a way I feel pressure that all 4 of our lives and our kids lives are on me. I also feel that it's going to be hard to make profess with them during the process. But I agree with you as long as we communting with each other progress can happen with each passing day.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you are right I guess they aren't different the feeling you give me is our relationship just as the feeling I give you is the relationship

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS Baby I don't know, my mind is spinning and all I feel like I'm falling off a cliff and I just want to land "In your hands"

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways well you are in luck....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways on Monday we both get to talk to someone who can offer insight that isn't fueled with emotion.
What scares me is them telling us "if you want to make it work with your spouse, you have to block US out COMPLETLY. No communication!" I feel like I would spiral again.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways like an "addict"(I heard that yesterday) is cold turkey the only way?!????
Cause I'm not sure I even want help then....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways "something inside is makin me crazy. I try to keep it together..."

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways you just couldn't resist, could you?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I also heard like and addict but we know we are addicted to each other.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I ate Winny's cookie that was on the counter and had a root beer.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways for lunch. If feel like I'm gonna run out of energy at some point.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS of course I could not resist!!! That little head bob you do just makes me happy!!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS yes Baby, you need to eat. I didn't eat lunch but I ate a bagel and piece of cake at break

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I miss wiggling

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS here is what I think, we tried cold turkey and we failed. Cold turkey made is miserable. But it really probably is the only way if we really want an honest to ourselves process.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS do I want to do that....NO. We both spiraled. So maybe we do those small little glances and a hi how are ya here and there. Just while we figure out ourselves.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways :(

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I do have some concerns tho...

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways It's gonna really hurt. THIS has made me happy(even though it's wrong). I don't wanna lose the happiness that WE have.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS like what happens when one of us knows what we want?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways and again that feeling of being alone.....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS are you supposed to say hey guess what I want you or am I supposed to say hey I want to, what if the other isn't ready or worse has decided to stay

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways you're further along than me. Maybe your counselor answers that kind of question.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways yeah that could be a Long HARD fall. Especially since you should tell your spouse 1st...

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways if one of us say it aren't we derailing the others process??

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways why can't we be going together or be going to the same person or something.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS or are you and I supposed to just let go and work on building a better marriage?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I bought that book you are reading. She sees the spouse and the lover. I feel like we really do need that or something like it

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS for me I would want you to tell me either way, otherwise it's unknown and we both know the others decision will way ours, even if it shouldn't

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS but if we tell the spouse first and then the other person isn't ready or is staying we ruined the primary relationship. But I guess at that point you know you aren't happy so you would leave anyway?? So many what ifs....

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways and I'd want you to tell me.
I really do wish someone was listening to both of US.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways yeah and then WE aren't talking so you fly blind. That's SCARY!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways it's the ultimate look but don't touch or communicate policy.
And what happens when you do look and think you see something that may or may not be there? And you try and read it and then those thoughts consume you and push you a direction that you may not even be leaning but you go there to avoid being hurt???

Yeah I need professional help!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS well you're in luck...

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you're going to get it soon!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I have another question...

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS do you think that both of us are saying that we are going through the process just to say we did it, to say we tried? And that our end game is to be together no matter what?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I have been told that the way I talk my decision has been made, by more than 1 person. Do I just sound like that so I don't lose US? I am scared to lose US. I told you I am convinced we share the same soul.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I've really only been told that by N. Other people don't really give me feedback. I wish they would but I don't think they want to "endorse" that thought.
I don't know if we are going through the motions. At times I think I was. But the last 48 hours not so much. Maybe the silence of the weekend will reveal something. I keep thinking all have this moment where I just KNOW, but even if I did when the consequences of my decision squash the excitement....?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I wish I got more feedback so I want to know what I sound like.
During the "ignoring" period and my tough days I feel like all I did was talk about and concern myself with you and how you were progressing. So I probably sounded a certain way.....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways we do have a connection like nothing I've know about or considered available to me. They wrote movies and love stories about it.
I believe it in. But people try and poke holes in it; would it last, it wasn't real cause it did have to deal with "life", you don't know the real ____, ect.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS if we end up together, nothing is going to squash our excitement

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you would be my life

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you and the little 4

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways that gave me a little smile

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways couple questions for you;
Do you ever think back to that dream C had kind of about all this? Do you think C is recalling having this thought?
And
What do you think about my hair getting longer?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways like that little stuff - a wink...That face. That stuff is OURS, how could it go away??

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I do think of that dream. She didn't mention that but she did mention being suspicious and wishes she would have said something.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I was thinking about your long hair the other day. I like it but I like it when it's a little shorter not as short as it was when you first get it cut but somewhere after you start the growing out process!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS that stuff is OURS and it isn't going away no matter what happens! Sorry!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS speaking of dreams...I can't get the one you had about my little C. That really got to me.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS back to your hair...don't change it. I like seeing it grow and then seeing it so drastically different when you cut it. Oh and just do what you wanna do with it!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS and will to please eat a good dinner for me, you don't need to be getting too skinny!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways seems like plenty of people wish they had said something. It wouldn't have mattered. We would have lied and been more cautious for a while - like we did with those that did expressed suspicions.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I kind have always liked this song

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I'm not gonna get too skinny(but tell me if I do!). I like the dramatic change to. For some reason I like his length. It manageable to "style" but had a little flip out of a hat.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways again I don't know what that dream meant. M was there. And you 2 were together. He was actually holding a shot glass and wanted you to have a drink with him but you didn't seem to want to.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I agree we would have lied to anyone who asked to protect US.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways and don't be sorry about OUR stuff. To give those little things up would and did devastate me the most. There is a lot there. A lot of history, emotion, moments, and connections.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I didn't hear the song you liked. But I bet I would have liked it too!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS you hair is perfect now and will be perfect in a month cause it's yours and you look so good!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS so much history, emotions, moments and connections.... I'd love to as so much future to that list

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways any plans for the weekend? I hear you got the piggies. How's that all going?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS no plans. We haven't been doing much these days. Grilling chicken and asparagus tonight. I might have one drink, it sounds kinda good. Softball/baseball pics tomorrow but that's it. How about you, what are you doing this weekend?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS the piggies are good. The kids like them!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways we don't have anything. Gonna try and let our minds relax tonight and just watch a movie. Pizza for dinner - we'll see what I can eat. No drinks, at least not for me. Please be careful.
And careful with that asparagus too - don't get to stinky;)
The donut shop is open so I'm going to take the girls tomorrow morning and probably Sunday too. You know us and donuts!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways glad to hear that it's going well with the piggies. W has asked me about 10x about them.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways you looked a little down.....probably feeling what I am - 4:30 is coming.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS yes I do know you and donuts!! That sounds nice! I find that watching tv helps your relax you mind. Eat pizza, it's your favorite! Mine too!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I will be careful, it sounds good now but I'll probably change my mind and it would only be 1 if any. I will think of you and smile when I pee after dinner!!

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry she can't come see the pigs. I hate that we ruined that.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS yeah I am a little down, 4:30 is close and I just have this little feeling in my heart. It's like an I'm gonna miss you this weekend feeling

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I'm even kinda close to tears and I have had a pretty good day as far as tears go, just welled up a few times this morning here anyway. At home I cried a little.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways yeah we did ruin some things that we never even considered. Those things sting.

That's so sweet...Thanks for thinking of me when you pee :)

You are brave with the drink but if anyone has the strength to stop at 1 it's you. Maybe it will help you relax your mind.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I have a lump in my throat. It's hard! I guess all we can do is try and keep busy and focus on something else. Otherwise the thoughts and wondering eat me up....

I like to say goodbye in person.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I really don't want to leave here. Can we just stay forever?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I like to walk out with you and get one last smell

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS This is so hard and to think it could all go away is even harder.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways you're too sneaky in those flats!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I don't even know how you can talk or think like that today. "All go away".....
Oh my!!!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I can think of a lot of consequences but my mind won't go There. Maybe I need to let it but I just can't. Not today

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS oh baby don't you worry

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I do not want it to ever all go away I told you this morning it never will

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I know that and I guess I'll always have that.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry I said that. I'm just scared. I don't wanna lose this.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways (just got a call that my g-pa wants to meet at 5:30 with me to "have a little chat". I don't have a good feeling about this....)

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS you will ALLways have me

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS oh N, you will be strong. Hear what he has to say and listen with an open mind. Be honest with him about your process....you got this.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I know you probably can't but if you can please update me on that conversation. I'd like to know his thoughts.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I'll update you. Can't bring it up and then leave you in the dark. That's not fair to you. Have you reached out to anyone to "talk" to. Parents or anyone?

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS thank you and good luck. No I have not. That is what my tears were for this morning. I was thinking about what to say to them. Im almost mad they haven't reached out but I think maybe me seeming ok is why

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS plus looking back we never were very open about emotions which is crazy considering how emotional I am. Maybe that's my problem. But I sure found someone I could get what I needed emotionally from. Thank you for being that person.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I really don't want to leave you today

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways thanks for letting me in RL.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways don't be upset with them. It's hard for anyone to know just how much they should pry.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways it's not cause they don't care or love you. I'm sure they want to give you space and not push you into something you're not ready to "decide".

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways I don't either!!

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways where some see problems other see part of You....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I know, I'm not upset with them. Thank you for making me smile with your "thanks for letting me in RL" comment.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS wow, I wanna die right now, I just don't wanna stop talking to you

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways Thank You

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS Thank YOU. I needed that. I hope that talking doesn't get you in trouble.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways I already called and reported it. Ask about your weekend and if you got the piggies

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I forgot to tell you something!! You might not wanna hear but even in my bad night last night I found enough alone time to well you know...(insert blushing face)

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS reported it to M?

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways no to N. But I will if you think that's best.

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS oh no you don't need to

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS have a good weekend. I'll be thinking of you

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways. Same to you (insert OUR emoji face)

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@ALLways well it ok. Grandpa just wanted to let me know I we needed anything, they were there. My grandma is in rough shape with her cancer so I haven't talked to much to them.
She did get 1 dig in on me - when I'm leaving I say Love You and she says "are you sure you love me? Just me??"
She's something else....

missingUSon May 06, 2016

@missingUS I'm glad it went ok. I'll be praying for your grandma. Bet that comment made ya smile a little.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@missingUS I hope you get that relaxing night you hoped for.

ALLways...on May 06, 2016

@ALLways @ALLways or did give me a little smile. Thank You for the prayers.
It was kind of nice. We had agreed to not talk about things and we didn't.
Hope you had a good night(and stinky pee) and a good day.
Laters

missingUSon May 07, 2016

@missingUS My night, while didn't go as planned and I can't call it good was actually quite eye opening. I did have stinky pee and I smiled:)

I'm glad you had a nice night. Enjoy your donuts!
Laters

ALLways...on May 07, 2016

@ALLways well even if the night was "good" hopefully that drink to the edge off....

missingUSon May 07, 2016

@missingUS the only drink I had was a root beer. It helped take the edge of and I got to drink it alone.

ALLways...on May 07, 2016

@ALLways well you got a little space... You were wanting that.
I had a RB too!

missingUSon May 07, 2016

@missingUS yes I did and it was so nice....that's what was eye opening.

Hope your donuts were good, they looked like it. They girls are getting so big!

ALLways...on May 07, 2016

@ALLways hmmm not sure I follow but ok.
They were good. Going back tomorrow too!

Yeah they are. But they are still stinkers! They ask about ya....

missingUSon May 07, 2016

@missingUS I'll fill you in another day.

I miss them...

ALLways...on May 07, 2016

@ALLways maybe tonight will be better...

Laters

missingUSon May 07, 2016

@missingUS Last night was better. I hope you had another nice night too. Have a great Sunday.

ALLways...on May 08, 2016

@ALLways glad to hear that.

Don't feel bad letting everyone spoil you today. You deserve it! Even the sun knows it - enjoy it's shine....
Happy Mothers Day!!

missingUSon May 08, 2016

@missingUS Deserve is a big word but...Thank you. Make sure to spoil the Mother's in your life today too, they deserve it!

ALLways...on May 08, 2016

@ALLways don't give me that - you know you're GOOD. But you still only get 1 day - so you may as well make the most of it!

missingUSon May 08, 2016

@missingUS You're right, I'll do my best to make the most of it!

ALLways...on May 08, 2016

@ALLways I'd expect nothing but your best - That sounds like the R I know!!
Enjoy...

missingUSon May 08, 2016

@missingUS and just like that I can see the sun...

ALLways...on May 08, 2016

@ALLways let it shine down :)

missingUSon May 08, 2016

@ALLways ALLways!

missingUSon May 08, 2016

@missingUS (insert OUR emoji face)

ALLways...on May 08, 2016

@ALLways our emoji ALLways

missingUSon May 08, 2016

@missingUS ALLways...

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS How are you doing? You look nice. How was your weekend?

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I doing. Already a little anxious about this afternoon. How are you? Hope you had a great day.
Thank You. So do you. You really nail that "look"!
Had a pretty relaxing weekend. Was outside A Lot but didn't do all that much which was kinda nice. Didn't stress about cleaning up or getting stuff out. Just kinda hung out. Tried to let our minds recharge and not talk about everything. And we didn't - like hardly at all.
Just ate donuts in the morning, hung out in the sun during the day, and watched a movie Friday and Saturday night. I guess I felt not great or good about everything, just kinda "ok". But it was nice not fighting.

How about yours?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS Thank you. I never know what to wear these days. I'm glad you had a nice relaxing weekend.

You will do just fine. Just be open and honest about what YOU are feeling. No matter what you need to do what is right for you.

My weekend was a whirlwind of emotions especially Friday and yesterday but I am feeling pretty good about where I'm at. I'm not sure how much you want to know or how much I should tell you.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I get that...you can just tell me to "mind ya bidness!"

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS Just like Will Smith! Gosh, you know how to make me smile!

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I want to tell you everything but it's kind of a lot and I don't want anything to sway you one way or the other. I want you making decisions based on what YOU are feeling.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways :) I've had a little bit of time getting to know you and picking up on these kinds of things.
Did you have a good Mothers Day?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I understand and appreciate that. And just think we are only a month in. Still plenty of time for feeling to swing back and forth and the process plays out....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS My Mother's Day started VERY rough but ended up being pretty good. The kids and I went to my moms for most of the day, they got some baby cows for the kids to show at the fair so we saw them and I played with ball them. We had sloppy joes for dinner.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS Its Hard to believe it's been 1 month already. There has been a lot of different emotions in this time. I think the next month will bring some new ones...

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I know we really shouldn't be talking but I feel so much better having this outlet. If you decide it's too hard to keep talking to me, I totally get it. I probably shouldn't be talking to you either but I just need to stay connected. As long as we both promise that this will never be revealed.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways it can't be revealed and won't me by me. Ever. I agree with regards to having a communication line. I hate to think where I'd be without it. Even the limited exchanges we had over the weekend made me feel a little bit better.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways it's been a rollercoaster of emotion. Ups and Downs and ALL arounds. And just when you think you're in control and facing forward, you're flipped upside down by something so simple - a memory, a look, a touch, simple words....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways sorry your day started rough. But I'm glad it got better - that's positive.

Question for you. Is this "talking" something you mention to a counselor?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS that is exactly how I feel. One second I think I am in control and the next I am lost and confused again.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I told her about it briefly but I think I am going to tell her we haven't talked since our actual conversation last week. I know that is probably not the best choice but I really want to preserve this...

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I am fighting every urge to tell you everything that transpired this weekend. I am so used to telling you everything. I feel like you should know but I don't want to hurt your process. And maybe it won't but I just don't know...

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways it does feel strange not knowing but I'm gonna trust your judgement on this and don't dwell on it one way or another. If you want to or need to share, you know I can be a good listener.

N told me that M wrote her today...didn't say anything else about the conversation.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I don't want to give this up either and I feel like if someone told me "NO" then I'd just shut them out and do it anyway. Kinda what I thought was gonna happen when I went to talk to my grandpa on Friday. But it wasn't too bad.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways the strange part for me is that my moments of feeling "in control" are when I'm doing the things I probably shouldn't be!

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I'm glad that it went better with your grandpa then you thought. I agree about feeling more in control when doing things we shouldn't.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS If M wrote N today I bet I know why. I probably should fill you in on the weekend. My guess is she will tell you about it this evening.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS Friday was interesting...my kids ended up having unexpected sleepovers. My sister, H stopped by the farm with J. Talked to M for a long time while I was at home. He came home and got the grill ready I was very short with him. To the point where it actually made him leave, as he walked out I said thank you for finally treating me like I deserve. I grilled the chicken and asparagus all by myself and while I did I had this moment of clarity. I looked around and thought....I can do this...I can work on ME for me.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways how come you were short in the 1st place?
What prompted the visit from H and J?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I think I was just pushing him away. Since he hadn't given me any space and now the kids were not there and I didn't want to be alone with him.

They came to get some straw for decoration at the prom.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS M called J and must have told him he left and later on he dropped H of to talk to me. She made me realize that I really do need to find myself. That I've always let M or anybody really influence my decisions. She thought that maybe I've never truly been "in love" with M and that you could very well be my 1st love and that's why it's feel so different with you. I'm not sure I totally agree with be but it made a lot of sense.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I felt so much better after that talk, like I knew I really needed to figure out me before I decided anything. M came home and we talked about it. He seemed to feel a little better that I was no longer choosing between 2 guys and choosing me for the moment. He knows I still love you but he said that I can't talk to you during this process. I'm guessing that's why he wrote N.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS Saturday morning I wrote my mom and told her I wanted to talk them and was actually going to spend the night there. I ran and then wrote Can. To tell her I wanted to talk to her too. Long story short, I didn't end up talking to any of them that day but I did yesterday. It helped talking to my mom (I think she might be the only one you could win over-wink face). She confirmed my feelings after my talk with H.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS M's mom kept the kids Saturday night and he and I went out. It was a pretty ok night but I woke up Sunday pretty lost again. He went to work and I had to go get the kids from his mom. She pretty much attacked me right in front of them and it was terrible. But Can. Was there and I talked to her for a long time. She made me see that what we were doing wasn't working that we really need to be apart from each other. So I am going to talk to my therapist tonight but I think we will be taking turns sleeping at our parents so the kids won't have to leave home.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I'm glad you got to have that talk with H. Think you want to keep confiding in her?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways :( I'm sorry. It so tough when people think they are going to say something to "open your eyes" or something. All is does is open your eyes as to what they really think about you.
I'm glad Can. could help you and you could talk with her.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways and I'm sorry for that "lost" feeling. It so tough - especially when it comes after an ok night.
I think those "normal" things almost wake you up as to what you have to give up to have them.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways N and I have talked about that time apart. But like I told you I'm scared of that "alone" feeling and what I will find....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS explain a little more what you mean by the "normal" things wake you up to what you have to give up to have them please

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I don't think you will be able to find what you really want if you don't. I told M, let me miss him or let me see if I will miss him. He hasn't given me any space only smothers me and pushed me further away.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I feel like those "normal" things come at the expense of US. And then I question if that's worth it to have an "ok" night.
What I've come to know "normal" as involved you - even if it is I was just telling you every detail if you weren't involved. I like sharing those experiences. It's why I check this about 20x during the weekend when there wasn't any activity. Even though we said we wouldn't, I didn't want to miss anything or leave you hanging if you needed me.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I think you guys are trying it the right way. If it's 1 person to "get out" I would think resentment would set in pretty quick.

I'm sorry I've put you here.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I don't like not sharing the details. And ironically I'm not sharing them with anyone now.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I also check this 20x's a day. Sorry I got quiet yesterday. I just had a terrible morning and wasn't sure I should tell you.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I just figured you were "trying"

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I knew that it was in regards to US when you referred to the "normal". I think the same thing, like this was an ok night maybe I can do this but then I think of US.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS don't be sorry for putting me here. We did this together and honesty no matter what the outcome, I think it will be for the best. Sometimes good things come from bad.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS you can share your details with me....I miss hearing them. If you need to talk I am here. We can be each other's sounding board.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways and I'm sure professionals would tell US that this isn't helping. Yet here we are....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS and in regards to you being scared to be alone, what scares you about it? When I was alone Friday it was refreshing and enlightening and I even said in my head, I'm not scared to be alone anymore. I'm scared to hurt people but not of the consequences anymore, kind of like you were after your talk with your dad last week.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways yeah like would those "ok" nights start to be "good" nights and then become what we think is normal?
And again is the only way that happens is if US is gone....
How could I ever accept that?!?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I know you're ALLways there to listen and you have become my confident. You're the one I want to share with and exchange thoughts and ideas with.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways when I'm alone it's easy for me to justify. I have clarity but no eyes I need to answer to. Plus my mind just spirals and I overthink and my good thoughts manifest and I question what I think. And can't just shut it off and find comfort in the truth or the thoughts of others.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways you're right about good coming from bad. It's always darkest before daybreak...

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways while I want to share ALL those day to day details 1) is that truly helping you?
2) is this the place to be doing it?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS you are right I am sure that this isn't helping and I know they would tell US that.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS this is a way that we can hold on to US

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS We need to ask ourselves if the ok nights do turn Into good nights, is that the normal we want.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS When I saw that picture of your girls this weekend I thought, how could he ever just not be with them whenever he wants. How can I do this to him, and I think, I should just let him go. But then I think about actually letting you go and it hurts.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways do you believe that You get to decide to "let go" of me? Cause that would only solve 1/2 of it. I'd have to decide to equally let go of you. And I feel that they would wreck me. Maybe time would heal me but it hadn't thus far - and maybe that's cause we are letting it. But I don't know if I can. It seems "easier" to give up other stuff.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways we know they would tell US it's not helping. Everyone is saying that. But do they understand that it's the only normal that makes me feel like Me.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways THIS is all we've got. That alone is pretty sad....especially when you want more

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways or at least want normal to feel This good!

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS exactly, we want normal to feel THIS good. And it scares is to let US go to see if normal can. Cause it hasn't yet for me.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS the decision to let US go would have to be made by both of us together. I couldn't do it without knowing you would be ok.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS like you, I would be a wreck completely letting go.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways it hasn't for me yet either. But is that cause we won't let it? Or cause it just won't cause we are ruined?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I don't know

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I mean in a lot of ways I feel like you Know how I feel better than anyone but that contact point is limited to This. But you just KNOW.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS We are ruined by each other and I love being ruined. I think that is why neither of us wants to let go.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I've told myself - I can't just let go. Not without KNOWING.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I know in my soul that I know you better than anyone. And I meant what I said last week about you being that man for N if that's the path you take.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways like you said we don't regret what we should. We can't or refuse to regret it all. Cause we found about ourselves and discovered US.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS We have never gotten and may never get the chance to KNOW. That's what makes it so hard. We want to be US ALLways but it's not like we can as for a trial run.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS and say we go back to "normal" will we still talk here and accomplish nothing to help normal.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways and I mean it when I tell you that if you are truly happy with M, tha I'd be SO happy for You...and him.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS we both know if this is found out we are done with them...is that telling us all we need to know?

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways and here is my problem; I'm so hurt with the lose of US that "normal" doesn't even sound "ok"

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I'm scared that I've found my true happiness with you and I'd be letting that go to stay with him hoping to "work on" finding that happiness.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways are we risking it ALL cause we know what we want or cause we can't shake the addiction to US....?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS That is a good question

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways good song

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS is it just an addiction or is it what we have always said it was, True Love

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS great song but Garth sings it better!

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways feels true to me.... ALLways has and ALLways will.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways Garth sings it much better. Even a city boy like myself recognizes That!

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS feels true to me too....ALLways has, ALLways will

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways how's your day today?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS actually is pretty good. I'm busy. How is your day?

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways ya know I'm still blaming this ALL on you...... Far from perfect, butt perfect for me!

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways it's pretty good. I'm anxious and apprehensive about tonight. 1st step is the hardest.
And I equally as concerned about your visit.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS you make my heart do things it's never done before...just those simple little comments get me.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS you will be ok, I promise. It will be easier than you think. Why are you concerned about mine?

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS why oh why do you gotta be so darn cute?!??!!

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways cause you're further along and might have to start answering tough questions. Or hear stuff that hurts your heart.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I don't want to change, I ALLways want to be cute for you. I'm conscious of it every morning. And I've even started brushing my teeth at night. And you'll never believe this but even skipped a few showers at night.....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I don't like the situation I'm in, and will learn from it but I can't say I'm unhappy with who I am. I don't wanna change so much that I'm unrecognizable to You. I'm yours....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone, you skipped what???

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I swear you can take the words right out of my mouth.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways yeah you heard me right. Not sure that's substanable but I could get into morning showers.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS well I could get into night showers!

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I like you being mine, I like being yours...

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I can't wait to see how your 1st apt goes. Don't feel like you need to share all but I hope it helps you. We need to be completely honest with each other even if we think it's gonna hurt the other.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways you and I. I have no doubts about honesty. It's easy. It's ALL I want and ALL I can give.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways what's do you mean not regarding sharing all....?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I guess I mean, don't feel pressure to tell me things you are not comfortable with but just make sure you are clear about what you are feeling in regards to me.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways R could should know I'm not going to hold back. I might beat around the bush but I'd never leave you in the dark. You're the only person I want to know ALL....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways could should ?? Sorry
R you should know...

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS yes N, I know and you should know the same for me

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS and you must mean a lot to me cause I've had to log into this site like 100 times today!!

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I do mean a lot to you and you mean a lot to me. That's why we are here....
That's why logging in seems like the most normal thing we do.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I just wish I could HELP you more. Or give you an answer....
There are times when I swear that WE could figure this all out Together.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways but instead we try. Instead we search for answers and hope we say the things that lead to someone acknowledging how we feel.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS Together sounds nice

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I think I came close to the people closest to me acknowledging how I feel this weekend. They know how I feel about you, but they also know I need to find me and I'm 100% commited to that. And I'm silently hoping that when I find me...I find you.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS how was your walk? Did you talk to her about stuff or just chit chat?

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I'm glad you found just a little piece this weekend. And found some people that you are comfortable talking to. It's hard to find those people. Especially if you're going to be truly honest. Sometimes I still wonder if I have That person.
I admire your commitment to yourself. I think that's the only why you discover who you are searching for - maybe it's you, maybe it's someone else, maybe it's where you're at.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways just chit-chat basically. I'm kinda trying to not say too much. I mean it was "there" but I'm not getting into how I feel or anything. Just what's going on.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS you have that person in your dad and if you don't then you have that person in me.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I hope it all goes well for you today. And for me too.
I just have an uneasy feeling....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I told her earlier a little bit of my weekend but I'm also trying not to get into how I'm feeling.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I think I do with my dad. I mean I can be honest but there is no doubt where he is trying to steer me.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS It will go well for both of us. I will be thinking about you. If you can update me, great, if not, we can talk about it tomorrow.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways she's doing her best but is in a Very tough spot. I wouldn't want to be stuck in the middle

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS of course that is where he will steer you. He has everyone's best interest at heart. My family is better now about telling me to try for my kids and commitment and just want me to be happy.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways you know I'll find a way.

I hope so....I don't know why but I feel uneasy.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I think they would like me to be happy with M but if that just isn't where my path leads I think they can handle it.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I felt the same way, uneasy talking to someone you don't know. But it really is helpful.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I hate when people throw "commitment" in my face. I understand what it is. I also know people make mistakes. Is it better to honor a commitment and be stuck or allow yourself to admit you made a mistake and move forward...?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS you have to ask yourself if honoring that commitment will make you feel stuck or if you can find happiness

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways it would be like starting over in life. And that looks daunting especially considering what we have and the things people see we have.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways happiness in change or happiness in honoring the commitment?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS when I think if the commitment I made, it was because I wanted to live with my boyfriend and his parent wouldn't allow it unless we were married so we for engaged. Not saying I didn't want to but now I just question the whole thing.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS happiness in honoring the commitment...finding the happiness WE have with them.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways and I think of it as just what I was "suppose" to do. Not because I have this strong desire to enter into it. It was just what was "expected" at that point in my life.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS when I think of starting over, it makes me happy and excited. But if we choose to honor the commitment maybe we would just have to start over with them and make it better.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS these are all things you need to address with your counselor. Maybe not today but sometime.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways that's tough to imagine. Could it....maybe. But hard to think about happening especially if I have to give up on US to get it.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I want to whisper 3 little words to you but I know I shouldn't....

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways starting over doesn't scare me.
And I think you're right if you honor the commitment you're starting over there too. It's why it takes "3 years" to get back to feeling like you're past it.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways That's something you can ask your counselor about. But I doubt That's allowed :)

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS 3 years to feel something we feel right now, right here with US

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS but then enters the 4 littles and everything changes

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS when I saw that picture of them it both warmed me and scared me....I don't want to hurt them or hurt you by you not being able to just wake up and take them to get donuts...

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I have no doubts I'd still do those kinds of things and maybe a whole lot more. And I might even appreciate it a whole lot more.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways are you going today. I thought you were already gone

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I think you are right...so much more appreciation for the little things

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS my apt is at 5:30 today so I'll be leaving soon

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways this is scary this is scary this is scary!!

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS you will be ok

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS good luck N, remember to take deep breaths and be honest. Maybe not about this (wink face) but about everything else!

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways thanks R. I've ALLways found it comforting to think of you as with me. I might need that today. So if you feel a little something extra it might just be me leaning on you a little.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I hope your session goes well today. Sounds like you've got some tough questions to address. Be strong, don't forget who you are, and remember - if it was easy...

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I am your strength

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS and you are mine

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I already feel stronger.

But I'm still scared! ;)

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I'm scared too but we've got this.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I'm right there with you.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways and I'm there for you.
I'm only 1 call way....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS or 1 public chat away;)

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

Listen to In Your Hands by Joshua Radin on @AppleMusic.
itun.es/us/…

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I'm not sure what I got from that other than a book to read about the 5 languages of love.

The words of these songs speak to me.

Didn't have to go into details just most put together family trees and backgrounds. She thought I needed I figure out what I wanted with N before I could explore any other relationships. And she thought that could take a bit. Especially if there isn't urgency.
I asked if we could talk and she suggested it was natural for us to want to but need to be respectful of M and N and there wishes.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways those 2 singing together sound like US together.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I'm not even sure I know what OUR song is anymore. I see us dancing to so many of these.....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS sounds like you had a good 1st session. My lady said the same thing about not having urgency. And that I need to know what I want with M.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS All of these songs our OURs and they always will be.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS that is what I told her today...I am just not ready and not sure I'll ever be ready to let you go.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS are you going back?

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways yeah I'll go again. It wasn't bad or anything. It was good - good to talk to someone else

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways what was the reply to not being able to let go?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways there were parts where she wanted to talk about certain things and I could feel myself just wanting to talk about US. So she'd know how important that was to me. I just don't ever feel like people know that. It frustrates me.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS she said I have to really be committed to making it work with M and that it will take time to let go or I may find out I don't want to. I told her right now I can't and won't.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I have expressed how US is important and feels so right. She said today that I have you on a pedistal and M is just on land. Other people have said that too. I told her what we say to each other...we are not perfect but we are perfect for each other.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways what were her thoughts on you 2 being part?

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS I think we will do the separation thing, talking about being alone and free struck me today. I have never had a chance to be free to make my own choices. But I also feel like if I'm alone I'm free to choose you without hurting M.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways well knock me off the pedestal!
I like how people thing we chose this. I can't help it that right now all I can compare to is You....and you to me. It's what WE think is Great.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS she didn't really say anything just that I need to find me. We jump around so much. I go back next Friday. Then will go every 2 weeks.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways you are brave women R. My lady told me I might need time alone and I told her I didn't want to be that. She said "you're attractive and might come to enjoy it" and I said not if I think I found what I looking for. (She wrote that down)

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS WE are great but we need to figure out if that's what we want. Really look at you life past present and future and see what you feel.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways I thought we jumped around. I remember thinking can we just keep talking about 1 thing.

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS was she hitting on you??!! ;)

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I love that you said not if you think you found what you are looking for...that made my hear race.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways you sound different. You're ahead of me. That scares me alittle....

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@ALLways I'm not even sure what this means- "Really look at you life past present and future and see what you feel."

missingUSon May 09, 2016

@missingUS don't be scared. I am ahead of you. I am just saying, look at the life you had and the life you have now and the one that you want. See how you feel when you think of those things. For me I'm feeling like I've been held back and I'm ready to express my self.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@missingUS I am looking forward to this separation to see if I will miss M at all. I think that will tell me how I truly feel about him. I know how I feel about you and You should know how I feel about you too. I'm hoping to land in your hands but we need to find out if our paths lead us there. And we cant feel any pressure from the other.

ALLways...on May 09, 2016

@ALLways you sound WAY ahead of me! And my fear of being alone is growing given the "but"......
Give our ability to communicate how we feel, I'm sure I've ever felt "pressure". I sure hope you haven't.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways let me try that again: you sound WAY ahead of me! And my fear of being alone is growing given the "but"......

With Our ability to communicate how we feel, I'm not sure I've ever felt "pressure". I sure hope you haven't.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS It sounds scary to be alone but to me it also seems empowering. I've never made my own choices and this, US, has been my choice and it feels good. It has given me this new sense of self. I am more scared of losing US than I am of being alone.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS the only time I felt pressure from you was last week during our talk in your car. Knowing that your happiness depends on my happiness. I know you didn't mean it as pressure and please don't feel bad or let yourself get down. I am just being honest. It's scary thinking that no matter what choice I make I'll be letting someone or lots of someone's down. I am focusing on being alone so that I can be alone and choose you. If I'm alone and choose you it's like I'm not hurting M as much. Probably sounds dumb...

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS I'm exhausted and she even said I look it and wanted to make sure I'm taking care of myself. I hope you are too. I can see you getting skinnier and skinnier. Please try to eat.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS I also want to tell you something funny but not that funny...when I got home Little C came and gave me a big hug. Out of nowhere he said, "you smell like N&N's!" M was right there and I thought he was gonna have a heart attack. M was like she does and came and smelled me . I was like nope just the dr office and put C to bed. But then the ?'s started...did you go there at lunch, why would he say that??? I was like, I didn't leave for lunch and you can call my Dr.

I just don't see that ever stopping even if he says it will.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I guess it's the idea of you being alone that and I feel stinging a bit. That's not what I ever wanted for you. And k just don't see that for myself cause I feel like at that point I'd know what I was after - and would just want to go get it. And hold on to tightly. And look into its eyes - to see that sparkle.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways you really inspire me though. The strength you've maintained and built over the last week or so is incredible. And it's everything I knew you had within. It awesome to see it being let out to shine.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways it wasn't my intent for you to feel pressure. All I wanted you to know was that I was giving up and that I wasn't hiding what I felt. Your happiness is everything to me. I know I alone can't make you happy but that won't stop me from playing a part. I have know clue how big of a role that is but I can't image not being a star. Or at least a co-star.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways Little C....OMG!!! Stinker!

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways I kind of had one of those push away nights. Especially after being asked "so are we just frozen in time?"

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways been a while since I've slept good. My hand still goes on my heart but there is a lot of tossing and turning.
Today was the 1st day I've had 3 meals in about a month.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS if I end up alone and you know where you'd end up....then maybe you already know. But we can't give up on the process. Things could change, each passing week has brought a different emotion for me.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS I'm glad you are 3 meals, even if small you need to eat.

I think that's why space for me and M will be good so I can stop pushing away and just focus on me. He thought I was at the point that I wanted to find me or be with him, he thought that I was done with you. Not sure how he got that impression but when I told him last night that it was still there. He was upset and gave me less time, said he won't wait much longer.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS I've been sleeping on the couch since this weekend and that has helped. We will figure out the separation arrangements today. I really need this space.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I just wish I could do something to "help". Even if it's to just offer a hug

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways the process is still very important. No matter what - I need to go through it. Even if it feels like I'm going no where.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways can you further explain you message "if I end up alone...."? I'm not sure I follow what you are saying.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways and I certainly understand the swings in emotion from week to week. Some emotions have been a rollercoaster. Others hand been stable.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways hope all is well this morning

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS by being alone, I mean if M and I divorce....

Which as of this morning seems like what's going to happen. He just called me and said he's done waiting. He was ok when it was me trying to find me but knowing that I haven't let you go is too much for him. He thinks if I'm not willing to just quit my job this week and work on my family then it's over. He decided we could try the separation for 2 weeks but that's all he is giving me.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS the crazy thing is, I'm not scared of this choice, I'm scared of telling my kids and shattering there perfect little lives. I told him that if he gives me space maybe I will truly miss him but he hasn't given me the opportunity.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I'm thinking about you.....and will be with you as much as I possible can through anything.
Like I told my counselor yesterday if the expectation is that I'm just going to stop caring and feeling the way I do for you - then people will be disappointed. Cause right now I'm not willing to do that. Maybe someday OUR feeling would change and a different relationship would develop but I can't imagine not having some kind of relationship.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways rely on your strength but know that it's ok and normal to take some time and grieve.... Who knows how you'll feel at the end of 1 week yet alone 2.
I want to give you every opportunity I can so please tell me what your expectations from me at during this time. And that doesn't have to be today or anything, you can think about that.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I can't have expectations from you cause what I want from you is to curl up on your lap and have you wrap your arms around me and never let me go.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I'm still not sure I understand this:
"if I end up alone and you know where you'd end up....then maybe you already know."

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I guess my sister wants to talk to M and I together. M talked to my dad on the phone this morning before he called me then my dad called H. So not sure when that talk is gonna happen.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways that made me exhale hard - cause that's exactly what I like to give you.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways R.....I feel terrible! I'm to blame on some level and in many eyes the sole blame!

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways I'll say this - I never knew H would play this role.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS You had said had you are scared to be alone cause if you were alone you'd know what you want and go get it...

I said if I end up alone and you feel you'd know where you end up assuming that was with me, then maybe you already know what you want.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways ahhhhh that's makes sense. The bazaar part is all these people talk about taking this time(maybe a year) and just staying away. That seems CRAZY!

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS they think that if we stay away OUR feelings will go away. Will they....maybe. Neither of US is willing to let them go. We are scared we won't find these feelings with M & N. We haven't yet so what makes us think we will. But we haven't tried either so what makes us think we won't.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I'm sorry. I know you don't need me to say that but it's all I can say......

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry too

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I don't want to "go quiet" on you but I want to make sure I'm giving you any space you want or need. So I'm not going to force it. But know that I'm here.....

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I have to go quiet too cause my boss told me to only be on my phone at breaks. I also lied to my sister and said I'm not talking to you. Don't worry this will never get revealed.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I understand.
Thank You and KNOW it will not get revealed from me either.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS this is hard. I am leaving at 12 to go home. My girl is sick.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I wish I help but I'm not sure what I can do to actually "help".
I'm going to be on the road overnight for a few days, but that doesn't mean I'm not here. Whatever support you want or need, I'll do my best to give.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways it's SO HARD. All we've known is to support and confide in eachother and that's all I want to do right now. But if you need to define "the line" to me - I understand that too.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I'm scared N. I'm scared that I'm going to end my marriage and I don't want to make you feel like that is what you have to do too. But letting go of US is unimaginable.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS I'm not sure what the line is....should we talk, NO. But do I care, NO. I need you to know what's happening in my life. But I don't want to disrupt yours.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS I think the time away will help you. Don't let yourself feel alone cause I am always here.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I'm scared too. And for the same reasons. I scared I'm not giving you a chance with M. I'm not try to disrupt that but am I.
I don't feel like you are disrupting me. Right now I'm going through the process and like you its unimaginable to let you go. I'm telling people that and I'll continue to tell it. And ulitmelty if N can't accept that than I know what will happen.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways I even told S today that I don't think people understand or want to accept just how we feel for eachother.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I think that is where M is at...he can't accept it and I can't expect him to.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS thank you for these starbursts

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS what did S say about that?

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways and I want to share what's going on with me - Every detail. And I want to know what your feeling and talk about it.
I don't know why it helps but it's all I've known for a long time And I want it cause it makes me feel connected to US.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLeays she said people have said they can't be "in love" but she believes we are. But that we choose to have this connection.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways and she right to some degree. We do get to decide what connections we have with people. And right now the choice to pick the one that makes us happy is what we can't and refuse to let go of.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways your welcome. I knew you'd know where they came from.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS if we let go will you be happy?

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS one call away just came on

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways how can I answer that...
would you be happy?
I guess I just can't see it. I don't know if I could. Feel like it will ALLways be there. ALL of it - the touch, the taste, the spark. It will be there cause it's The Best.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways if it was as easy as letting go, I would think we could make that decision. But it feels a WHOLE LOT BIGGER THAN THAT!

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways of course One Call Away came on. And a year from now it will be w different song that triggers the emotion....

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS you said it all just then....if it was as easy as letting go we could do it. It's bigger than just letting go. I think I could try to be happy but I'd ALLways miss you and wonder what if.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways what's on my radio....Baby Got Back!

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS that's a good song!

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS I'm home with my girl now so I probably won't write too much. But I'll check back here and there. I am not sure what tonight will bring. I think we are having the talk with H.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I mean don't you wish it was easy? i do. I don't like to think about the disruption! I don't like hurting M or N.
Or thinking about how it impacts all these people who our lives touch.
There will be confusion, ridicule, anger, and hurt - and that's amongst the people who care about us and love us. They might not Ever forgive or even attempt to understand.

And then the Biggest of all, the little 4....

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways it's Your song and your excitement to hearing it will forever make me smile.

Ok. Collect your thoughts this afternoon but most off let your love shine down on C.

Good Luck with where ever the afternoon/evening/and night take you. You're not alone - just as I won't be.
I'll want to know how it goes but I respect any line you have to draw.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS so do we just hurt US then??? Is the disruption too much???

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS or will giving up on US make it impossible to be truly happy. When will we know, for me I guess I have to decide very soon

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways could you be happy hurting US? I'm not sure I could. I know right now I wouldn't. ALL that other stuff seems manageable. The real friends would be there. And on some level I don't think I'd care who drifted out of my life.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways I think it's BS that you're "on the clock". I mean I get it - it's gotta be very hard for M...and N to be patient. But what happened to him talking to someone outside his circle? Or has be just we decided he wants ALL of you or none RIGHT NOW!?!

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways that's not really "going through the process", it's making decision. And it's not even letting you make a decision - it's forcing you to decide.
I guess at this point it doesn't have to "fair"...

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I need alone time before I can process anything. Whether it be 2 weeks or 2 months or more. If I decided today...I would leave him and be on my own with my kids 50% of the time.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

im just kidding kind of but get a room and get on with it already. love letters.com its sweet but a little much. email or pm for gawd sakes

oasisnesson May 10, 2016

@missingUS and NO I would not be happy hurting US.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways I know if I HAD TO DECIDE today, what I'd choose. It's the same thing I would have choose for the last 3 weeks. Will it hurt people? Yup.
Will it make people angry and push away from me? Yup.
Will people question me and not understand? Yup.
Will it present its own set of challenges and be hard? Sure will.
Will I want to celebrate life and enjoy new experiences? Oh yeah
Will I still want to share my love and be loved? Yes
Will I make the most of chances and opportunities I get. I hope so.
There would be plenty of things that would make me smile, laugh, dance, and maybe even wiggle a little.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS That's what I would choose too. ALLways!

Maybe we should just get that room that person suggested!! Ha!!

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways only took 1000+ messages

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@ALLways you should know that your 2 weeks, 2 months, or more - kinda makes me feel uneasy. I know what your after but makes wonder if your questioning it. And that's not to say I've got it figured out cause maybe you feel similar given where I'm at.

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I do feel similar. Of course we are going to question it. Not cause we don't know how we feel about US but bc if all the other things you listed.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways so how do we get US to have that comfort and strength to know what we are after?

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS I am going to search for that strength in my separation. But I really don't have an answer to your question.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS Why are we not just saying F it and going for it?

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways cause in spite of what people say and think we do care about others. And because we are a little scared. We've had to hear people question and doubt US. We still believe but wanna KNOW. But isn't the beauty of falling in love, the fear you won't fall?

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS that is the beauty of falling in love.

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS tonight may be very difficult...ill try to keep you posted

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@ALLways any strength I can give, I'll send your way....

missingUSon May 10, 2016

@missingUS thank you

ALLways...on May 10, 2016

@missingUS sorry it took me so long to update...

We didn't talk to H but he and I did talk. We are just not sure we will ever be able to move past all that's happened. The separation is starting tonight. I'm ok, just sad. Sad for causing so much hurt.

How was your night?

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways umm it was terrible. I didn't sleep more than an hour without checking this.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways tried to do anything I could to keep my mind else where but it was hard. Actually did something I've never done while traveling and went a saw a movie last night.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I'm sorry your down today. I certainly understand how you feel.
And I'm sorry for my contributions in getting you to this point.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry. But good for you watching a movie. Which one? Was it good? I am at work now so I won't be able to write for a while.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I saw the Jungle Book. It was good and only a $5 ticket.

Hope C is feeling better.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways my therapist recommended this
itun.es/us/…
Might be worth reading for both of you.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways not gonna lie I can't focus. Gonna be hard to get through my stuff today.
Can't even imagine where you're at but you're not alone....

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS that sounds good and a deal too!

C is doing better. Thank you.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS I will look into that. I have been reading the other one you said you were reading. I'm sorry you can't focus. I am actually trying very hard to just think about work. You are not alone either...

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways happy to hear she's better.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I just want to do something to Help you.....but I don't know what I can do.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways it feels like I'm wrecking everything.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I have another book my therapist told me to get but haven't started it yet. It's about making your marriage better. I'm not there yet. And from the talks we had last night and this morning we are not sure it will ever work.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS you are not wrecking anything

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways people have this perception that we are "in control of our futures" but I feel helpless.

What is the "fix"??

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways will it not work because of US?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways is there No compromise there from M?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS he wants me to be committed 100%, which I'm not ready for at all. But also he is not sure he will ever be able to get past what I did. I fear his family will never forgive me and there will always be tension if we do try. And I think that will eat away at us.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I often wonder if N and I will move past it. Or if I even ever could....

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways 100% seems impossible.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLway yet that's what they deserve. Especially if there was Ever a chance to move beyond it.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS it seems 100% impossible

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways so how can I help? Is there anything I can do. Is there something you're lacking from me?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS that "if ever" is where we are at. Can we move past it. No one knows. But you and I would have to be willing to let each other go.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I don't want you to have to wonder with me. I think you know where you stand but during a tough time I don't want you to question it. I want you to ALLways KNOW!

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways and you know where we are with letting go....

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I don't think I am lacking anything from you but I am scared if I take this step that you won't be in the same place and then any chance I had with M is lost.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I'm equally as scared of that.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I feel terrible when he says things like, you have someone to move on with, I am truly all alone. But I tell him that you and I are not certain either cause you are going through the process and my decide you need to stay with N.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways that why I hate "rushing" the process.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I know I need separation before I can know for sure. I know I can't give you up right now or ever.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS we can't have forever though, that isn't fair to them. In some sense the process needs to be rushed.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I know we don't get all the time in the world. And I truly hope we find what we are searching for.
I think I know what I want and I think you do. But that doesn't make it any less scary.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways like you said its have have to hear the words of pain coming at you. There is a lot of history there. And there are the "what ifs" that happen on each sides.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways and the separation that you and I are experiencing is tough to. You've been The Person I made decisions with and not we have adjust.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways it almost ironic that while I want to make the decision about US with you, it feels like we are doing it alone.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways when you talk about letting go(it Hurts) Are you referring to the relationship? Or does that include even a social frienship?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I feel like we need to make any decision about US together. But it does feel like we are doing it alone and it's scary.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS I don't want you to hurt when I talk about letting go, cause I'm not letting go.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS M will not allow me to have a social friendship with you if he and I stay together.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS when you say, find what we are searching for...do you know what you are searching for?

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways well I'm glad we agree on making a decision. I'm sure you feel it too, but it's very hard when you're not SURE what eachother are thinking.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I know you're not letting go. But not discussing everything in detail makes my mind wander. I just don't want to be the last to know - and I'm not saying I should be the 1st either. Last night was tough!

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS it was tough for me too. I knew I needed to contact you but I couldn't risk it.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS and I don't mean risk it for me...I couldn't risk it for you. I know you need to do this process for yourself.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I guess I get why he feels like that there can't be Anything but I can't comprehend NOT having a friendship. Maybe thats the only way but I'm not sure how I could get through that.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS M and I are in the seperation process and i want to see how that makes me feel towards him. I will ALLways know how I feel toward you. He and I have talked about the fact that we might not work it out and have started to talk about what the next steps would be. Now nothing is decided yet but it's out there.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I sometimes think I know what I'm searching for but then will hear something or read something and get out of sorts. I mean I'm still not sure what my goals are with my therapist. I know what I'm "suppose" to say...
Do you know? If so can you help me?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS will you be happy staying with N and having a social relationship with me?

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways N and I kinda had that talk last week. And it felt good to be That open. To the extent that it let us have a couple ok days. But I couldn't call the good cause all this looms.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I can't help you with your goals, you need to decide that. My goal with my therapist is to be honest about what I am feeling. She knows I can't let you go but says that's the only way to get to a true commitment to my marriage.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I don't know. Maybe I just say that so that I don't hurt anyone(except myself - and probably you). I just can't see how our lives could unmingle. We are connected and always will be. And letting go isn't gonna change that.
I feel like the friendship at least makes the best of it. But if he Can't, then it wouldn't work.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I'm not even sure I know what the process is.....

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways so if everyone knows letting go of US is the only way, why is it that no one can tell us how to do that? And how come we can't generate the desire to it??

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I feel like you have made up your mind N. If you can be with her and be happy DO IT. If I stay with him, he will not allow us to communicate. I guess maybe with work but he would want me to quit to say I'm really trying. But if you would be OK to just be friends with me then you need to follow your heart.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways why is everyone quick to tell us what US can't be and not willing to see what it Could be. Like all these people that are telling US no - why can't we just show them and then let them form an opinion.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS If I told you today that Matt and I are getting divorced and I'm getting an apartment with my kids. If I said I'm ok being alone please don't let my decision influence yours. What do you think you would do?

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I'm trying to fool myself R. You know my deal with the devil.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I'm trying to find anything I can to make the hurt go away

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I think I'd constantly want to reach for you. And don't stop till I know that it's what you wanted and not what settled for.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways And it think I'd constantly wonder about US. And wonder if you did too.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS that doesn't tell me what YOU want or what you would do

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS say I'm alone N, I'm not married....what would you do?

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways and it would eat at me, and I wouldn't/couldn't be happy

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways why does it have to be what would I do? What about what would YOU do?
I wouldn't let you out of my life. I know that.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS are you beating around the bush?

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I want to KNOW that US is what we believe it to be. That the stuff people say and doubt about US just doesn't apply. I want to KNOW that when it is "real" it's still gonna be everything we want and need.
I think that. But all the outside noise makes me wonder IF. If maybe they are right

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS at the place I am now, if you told me you were leaving her, I would choose you without hesitation.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I'm not beating around the bush. Look at what I did when you were married....
Would I go that route again - no. I'd want to do it right.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS Maybe they are right but we would have to work hard to prove them wrong. And if it doesn't work then, shame on us. And that's something we would have to live with.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways so why is everyone telling US that isn't the way your suppose to do it? Why do they think we should be alone?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS now that being said. I am going to take this separation seriously and make a decision about my life. Not sure the timeline but it's day by day for me

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I know it would be work. That doesn't scare me. What worries me is if all the outside stuff got us.
Just like you're scared of that from his family.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways so do you need to separate from me during that time too?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS we need to find ourselves. I agree to an extent. If we do divorce, I want to take it slow with you. Court each other and date and be happy.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS I should be separate from you but I want to see how it goes. I know where you stand with me. I just need to figure out where he stands with me.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I just wanna cry right now

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways do you know where you stand with me?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I just can't see that far out.... It's hard to see US not together if we aren't with them. At least it is for me

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS don't cry

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS I think I know where I stand with you

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS if we aren't with them, we will be together. I just don't want to rush it. I'm thinking of my kids when I say that.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways ok. I can see that. And that makes sense.
We've already hit the breaks so hard on US that to think we need to keep pumping them is rough. But you are right in that it already would be very tough for the kids to understand.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways it's just different because there is already so much we've revealed to eachother. And I want to go back to see ALL those things!
Are there things I don't know, sure. And those are the things that excite me about getting to know you even better. There will probably even be some things that open my eyes a little bit, just as there will be things you didn't foresee.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways what are the things I can say or do so that you Know?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways cause "I want to take it slow" doesn't sound like someone who KNOWS. And that's not to say I don't agree.....but what is slow?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS tell me where I stand with you...I think I stand as someone who will forever be your true love.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways that's not even important enough to answer right now. We could figure that out later.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS when I say take it slow I mean I don't think we should plan any family trips with the 6 of us or even tell the kids right away that we are together. We need to be US for a while and let them get accustomed to a changing life. We know that the kids love to be together so yes we can do play dates but I don't think we should tell them anything beyond that. But maybe I'm wrong.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways that is correct. You are the one that risking all I have feels like exactly what I want. Cause I don't want to wonder "what if"...
Your the one that I refuse to let go of cause I believe in US - even when facing the fire.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS and on the days we don't have them I want to fall asleep with you and wake up next to you and breath you in and smile and laugh and wiggle!

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways kinda limits the opportunities to be US. But I get what you mean

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS we would get there. We are ALLways gonna be US. I don't doubt that and never will

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways and you're SO MUCH more than even that. You're the one that opened up my eyes. Made me take risks, open myself up completely and be vulnerable.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways well you didn't make me take the risk but you made me want to.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS you are the same person for me too.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS take a deep breath for me

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways and once I had a taste it wanted it ALL. And I was jealous when I couldn't.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways ok.... I've done that. Now what?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I felt and still feel the same way about you

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways your the one who made me question 18 years of "comfort" for a chance at US. Even though we Know that US is gonna change and be different that is was.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS just breath, I know you are feeling scared and alone. You aren't

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS i have had 20 years of that same comfort. I feel like I can't move forward with out being US cause the what ifs would kill me.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways are we fools? Maybe. Lots of people think so and even more would. Yet I don't care.
For the 1st in my life I'm beginning to not care what people think about me. If I'm happy, who cares if I'm liked by them?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I feel like the what ifs would wreck me. Just as US has wreck the comfort.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS ok now take another breath

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I want get to where you are. I think I've been there and slipped with self doubt. Maybe you did too. But nothing has changed for me. New things keep getting thrown at me and I still have the desire to fight for US

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS tell me how you are feeling after that breath

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways other stuff has faded but US has been constant.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways a little relief. Cause you should KNOW now.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways maybe I'm not brave enough to choose OUR path. But you KNOW and you ALLways will. Cause I'd keep remind you. With looks, silly faces, dated tickets, or a starburst.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I am in a place where I know I need to decide. I need to decide if all the hurt I caused is going to hinder any "making it work" with M. I think it will but I'm going so separate from him and see if I truly miss him and I think that will be all I need to know.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways the desire to talk and communicate with you burns as hot as ever! It's beginning to overwhelm me how bad I want to talk to you.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS now listen, those looks and funny faces and starbursts will tell me we are still US but if you aren't brave enough to choose OUR path then that tells me don't really want to.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS and I respect that.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways I don't want to hinder or interfere with That. I want to give you that chance.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS for me I still need to see if M is the path I could be happy with, without US. That is what they deserve if we choose them.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways you want the 1 thing neither of US could give during all this. My commitment.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I don't want you to commit to anything until you are ready.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways you want the thing neither of US can give today, cause it's tied up. And we don't know where it will be in 2 weeks.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS that commitment may be to N or it may be to me or maybe it will be to yourself. But you need to do it for you not for anyone else.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS lets give it more time, nothing needs to be decided today or tomorrow or next week.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways do you feel better about where to stand with me?

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS well...

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways cause we agreed that we would be honest with eachother No Matter what.
It's hard to do that with this forum but I want you to KNOW.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways and if there is any question I want to address it with you. I'm busy right now but I am and ALLways will be One Call Away.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS you told me lots of amazing things and then said you might not be brave enough to take OUR path. That scares me a little.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@missingUS I don't want to stop trying with M thinking there will be an US just to find out you aren't brave enough. But I feel like that is pressure and I don't want to do that. We are in no place to make this decision.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways it's not how I feel TODAY. I just don't know how I feel after everything starts weighing down on. What I'll feel like after going a couple more time to the counselor.

I'm scared too. I don't US to change and hearing that it have to be different or slow, is scary.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I get that. So go to the counselor find Yourself. That's what I am trying to do. Maybe when I find me, I'll find you.

US won't be slow or change it will be US ALLways.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways and I don't want to make a decision that forces you from M or pressures you to US.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways how all I want to for US to talk this through. That's so selfish considering the impact.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways how come ALL I want is for IS to talk this through? That seems selfish considering everyone it impacts.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS cause it impacts US to, we are kinda the decision makers in all of this. They will tell us we need to commit 100% or it will never work. You and I have to decide together if we can do that. Cause there really is no other way. It's we choose them and let US go or we let the what ifs get us and leave.

ALLways...on May 11, 2016

@ALLways your strength right now I'd really something. I'm not sure if you're just providing me they cause you know I need it or if it's ALL you - but you WOW me!

I found something in my sportcoat today from a Long time ago. Maybe sometime I can show - it made me smile considering how long I've had and the modifications I've made to it.

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways regarding that strength. It's ALLways been there. Sometimes it comes with come emotion but I like knowing just how much you care. You don't bottle it up on me. And I like not hiding my own emotions. You've cracked my shell and let that show.
I'm never going to look back and regret US. I don't like the hurt that we've caused. But WOW have I learned a lot from you! And I'm still learning.....

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@ALLways I know your night isn't going to be easy and they might not for some time. But when you need strength I'm only one call away...

missingUSon May 11, 2016

@missingUS I wish I could call you. I just left home, it was easier than I expected but so hard saying goodbye to the kids. I won't see them until Saturday.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I can't wait to see what you found in your coat. I hope you are having a good night. I hope you can find strength in my strength. I do feel really strong right now. But those words you said almost felt like goodbye...

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I love that I have cracked your shell and if that was goodbye I sure hope you continue to be that man. You are amazing.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways that was NO goodbye!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I told you if you need to call - do it. But again your strength is WOW!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways why not till Saturday? What did you tell them?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I had asparagus tonight ;) and grilled salmon salad.
It was a long day - training agents and just all the emotions.
Hot and humid down here and strong storms are rolling in(hail and 60mph winds)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'm reading back and GEZ how can you even read my terrible messages!?! They hardly make sense! Sorry

And sorry if that sounds like goodbye it didn't sound like that in my head.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways and if you need a little smile - let me know. I've got something I'd share with you

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS not till Saturday cause I saw them at the game tonight. But after that M will have them 2 days and I will have them for 3 days.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I just told them that I gotta go out of town for a little bit and then when I get back daddy is gonna go but we will always be here if you need us and I'm only a call away.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS sounds like a good dinner! Bet the stinky pee made you smile! I hope you get some sleep tonight since you didn't last night.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I had a nice talk with my mom. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight but will get a room ready downstairs tomorrow.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS please tell me what you have that will make me smile! I've got something for you too....my mom watches dancing with the stars and guess who is on here....Wanya from Boyz II Men!! I saw him in concert!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways all I've got is WOW

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways so you know how sometimes I have my little stories from the road...
Well guess what I forgot this trip?
Sock! Gonna wear the same pair 3 straight days :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'm in awe of you tonight. Your lows will come but in your first night - you stand Tall.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways of course it's making me smile. That's why I specifically ordered it.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways no one tops your Boys II Men story!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS hey socks is better than underwear like last time!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways yeah I'm gettin a little better. Now I've just got stinky feet.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways oh wait....I've still got the stinky pee!! :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I'm not sure if I'm strong or just numb but I feel like I'm in a good place. But I bet I'll be worse once I go a day or so without seeing the kids.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways but I did brush my teeth....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS your feet will be stinky by Friday!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways tough days are certainly looming. But a day at time is all you can move.
You got love and support around you. Lean on it.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS good job! So did I and when I did I thought of you....like why doesn't he brush his teeth at night!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I strayed my socks with that spray power tonight. Maybe that will help

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I've been moving a minute at a time lately.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways easy there crumb bum!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS that will help! Stinky powder feet!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways slow and steady can win the race. Or at least get you to the finish line

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS you shower but don't brush your teeth!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I might just have to throw these socks away...

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I am actually excited to see where this race takes me

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLway I know what I do!
You brush your teeth but don't shower!!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways maybe we both are perfect. Butt...

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I mean what are doing in them to make them so stinky?!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@*aren't

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS we are perfect together!!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways it was hot and humid down here and I was on my feet all day.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways as if your feet down stink!! :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways * don't

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS i know how to read past you typing errors!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS ok so maybe you should throw them away....

Or hey, go buy a new pair!!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I think you are tired, you are typing like shit!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I think You are so you're suggesting I am!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS and don't bring my feet into this!!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways your feet.... :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I slept last night, kinda. You didn't.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS wonky toes and all!!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways you know what's funny is I forgot my charging cable for my watch so I went to Walmart and bought one(and will return it tomorrow) but I never even thought about buying a pair of socks

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I could sleep in till 8

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS you and your returning things!! But that's smart! Oh yeah Walmart has socks!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS well I'm not far from work and don't have to get kids up and around so I can sleep in too but sounds like my parents are up and around quite early!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways get this; today I wake up and I'm like I want a frap. So I get all dressed and ready and the closest Starbucks is 20 in the opposite direction of where I need to go. But I've got time so I say what the hell...
I drive all the way there and order my drink only to find out they are out of mocha! They offer me any other drink for 1/2 off but I politely say no thank you and leave.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways you're gonna end up with some chores before long!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways the cable was $30!! If they rented them I would have done that, but Walmart doesn't do that.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways Walmart socks...I feel like they'd be itchy or scratchy for some reason ;)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS oh man that stinks...you should have just bought a bottle of frap at Walmart!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS oh yeah I'll be doing chores for sure!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS listen before long you might have to get used to Walmart socks!!!!

(As I typed that I got the biggest smile!)

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I wanted the REAL thing and instead I got nothin!

I'm sure you don't mind helping out and getting your hands dirty.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I realize that R. THANKS for the reminder!!

I bet with the right detergent they'd soften up and be ALL good

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I love it when you get those big smiles and think you're SO funny.....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways Dork!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I am kinda funny!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS but more dorky than funny!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I smiled cause I pictured you shaking your head and smiling as you read it!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways and that's EXACTLY what I did!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways you use the term "kinda funny" pretty loosely!

(But you do have knack for making me smile)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I know you Baby!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I learned my humor from the best!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I haven't smiled this much in a long time. Thank you.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways me neither! Thank You

You do know a little about me dont'cha?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways and I know some thangs about you!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways and I'm not taking ANY credit for your "humor"! :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I'd like to know more...

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS what positions did you play in baseball? Little C had his 1st game tonight...he got 2 great hits!! He was in the outfield but did good out there too!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS W's recital is this weekend, isn't it! I wish I could see her! She is gonna do so good!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I play everywhere! Mostly 3rd, CF, and SS. But in college I literally played all 9 positions in 1 game!

That's great go C-note! Is it coach pitch?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I've got the video from rehearsal. I'll show it to you and the pics. I can't wait to see her beaming afterwards on Saturday!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I think I've got a lot to learn yet about you too....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I wish I coulda seen you play! I bet you looked great in your uniform!

C plays 3rd base and does good there! She hits well too! Hers is kid pitch so it so slow. But little C is pitching machine.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS oh yes I want to see it!! She will be so excited! Make sure you get her some flowers!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways well I've probably still got the uniforms.... :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways glad to hear C is having success. Kids just starting off pitching is tough - there are SO many balls and walks.

Good call on the flowers. I'll work on that Friday.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways how come you didn't do a spring sport?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways flipped through an NBA game yesterday on tv and thought about our epic battles on the court :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS make sure you bring the uniforms with you!!!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS we got kinda busy in the spring with the fair animals and stuff but I guess I was just never into softball. I wish I was now that I am watching it...its fun!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways there already at my parents.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I thought about that the other day when I went to the gym...I was like oh man no more basketball:(

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways it's not too late, you could start playing in one of those adult leagues.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I don't think I should picture you in them!!! (Blushing face)

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways the worst part for me is that I think you beat me the last time we played!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS no way, I would be terrible. I'm scared of the ball and you've seen me throw!!!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways yeah you better get your own room 1st :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I think I beat you the last couple times we played

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I'll work on my own room tomorrow!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS why can't I stop smiling??

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways that true - your throwing needs some work!
You're not scared of a basketball. Just takes a bit to get the depth perception for the smaller ball. You'd get use to it.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways you had some good days shooting. And you aren't scared of contact. I could see you as a good baller in HS.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS maybe you can give me some more throwing lessons

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'm not sure you beat me the last COUPLE we played but we seem to remember certain details differently :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS you wish you coulda seen me as a baller in HS!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS but luckily we see some things the same!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways THATS true!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'd just like to see you foul out in the 1st half ;)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS easy...I usually made it to the 4th quarter!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways "usually" :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways what # were you?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS yeah that's right...usually!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS 30

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'm gonna guess something in the 30's or 40's

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I knew it

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS how about you, what # were you?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways that's a unique # though. What drew you to it?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS you're good!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I don't think I had a choice but once I got it I kept it for the next year

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways 7 in football, 6 in baseball and 3 in summer baseball. When I played hoops I was 22.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I was gonna guess 9

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways that's close. Just an upside down 6

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS yup!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I like this!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways learning stuff or smiling?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS ALL of it

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways it does feel good!!
Hope I'm not keeping you up late though.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways can't have you falling asleep in your desk tomorrow.
You might need a frap!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS you're not but we prolly should get some rest, huh?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS a frap does sound good!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways fine

;)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways as hard as it is ... You're probably right b

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS are you overnight tomorrow too or headed home?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I guess I should say today!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways heading back. Couple stops but a pretty light day. Then in on Friday.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS hope your feet don't stink up the car too much!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways (shaking my head)....watch it!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I hope you fall asleep with a smile on your face, i know I will

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways rest up - today is another day.
Minute by minute, hour by hour....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways smile on my face, hand on my heart.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways Goodnight R....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS yes it is...

Good Night

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS sweet dreams

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways sweet dreams.....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS Good Morning. How did you sleep?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways Good Morning to you. I actually slept pretty well. How about you?
Hope your day is going ok - minute by minute....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS Im glad to hear that. I also slept pretty well. My day is going, minute by minute....

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS how is yours going?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways starting off pretty well. I got that Frappy and already returned the cable.
Now to do some work...

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS How was it?!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways mmmmm....is so good! I'd give you a sip but you're a Long ways away.
Don't mean to make you jealous though - well maybe a little ;)
Any breakfast for you?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I almost went to McDonalds to get one of their mochas. Since I had so much extra time this morning. I had some toast with pb for breakfast.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'll warn you their mochas aren't as good. They taste "fake". You'd be better off buying the bottles. Or begging a friend to bring you one ;)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I like PB toast. I like how gooey the PB gets

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I better just get my own bottles. I like how gooey the pb gets too.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways or if you have all this extra time you could just drive to your nearest Starbucks and get one. But call to make sure they have mocha 1st! :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I don't have that much time!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS you are in a good mood this morning. Did you enjoy your time away?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS Maybe you are in a good mood cause you are headed home!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I haven't had anyone to tease in a while. So it's nice to get these 1-timers out.
How about you, how's your day?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS well I'm glad I'm can help with that!

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS my day is ok. Busy with pip files

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways and I've got A LOT more :)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways well busy helps those minutes tick away. So I'm sure you don't mind.
Lunch plans?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS not fast enough.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS no lunch plans. I might go tan. I have to get something to eat since I wasn't at home to pack a lunch. What are you gonna do for lunch?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways there is a reason they call it "work"

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways you're still tanning??
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Should have plenty of time before my next meeting so I'll probably do a sit down lunch. Probably a salad.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I have tanned here and there. Salad sounds good.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways that brings make some memories...Don't get all burnt up ;)

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways *back

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I won't

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I still wear my bathing suit bottoms when I go.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways well you're 1/2 way there.
But I know it makes you feel good so I'm glad you're doing it - for you.
Plus you gotta use up those minutes!

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS that's what I figured too

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I'm on the verge of losing it today...

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways is there something I can do?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways minute by minute...

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways remember those deep breathes you shared with me yesterday....
There is nothing wrong with taking a moment to collect yourself. And if a tear falls - that's ok too.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS yeah there is something you could do, wrap your arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS how long are we going to feel this way? Are we just making it worse by talking. All I want to do is talk to you and this public forum is all we have. We are still lying to everyone....

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways if I could give you that I would. I wish I could RIGHT NOW.
I don't know how long this hurt lingers. Knowing that would be helpful.

I know we are.....and yet it's the only thing that feels right - yet it's wrong.

I certainly understand if this needs to be taken place someplace more private. Or maybe you simply just can't do This.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways it just FEELS so right talking. Where that is here or in a private text

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways yet I want to and need to give you a chance so be a honest as you need to be....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways and maybe that changes from day to day. I don't know....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS how could we be more private?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS what hurt are we waiting to go away...

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I was so strong yesterday but now all I feel is weakness

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways well we could email or text....

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I was referring to your hurt. My hurt is more about scared/confusion and the hurt its bringing to my family, friends.

I don't think you should expect that stength everyday. Like you said it's a minute to minute thing. There is a lot of change going on and to think you'd just take it in stride is unrealistic.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS maybe email but I think I should make a new one. I would text but probably shouldn't...not that it's really any different I guess

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'd use my Hotmail account. Do you have that?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I'm scared too. I'm telling everyone including myself that I need to find me. But if finding me doesn't include you then I don't want to find me. I will just go on living the life I had. I say I would be ok being alone but that scares me too....if US isn't gonna happen then why should I hurt my kids. But if I can't ever out 100% into my marriage that will hurt then too.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways or there is Twitter

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I don't know if I have it. I can't use my hotmail its linked to the iPad.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways that's exactly how I feel. And why I hate that you're going through this separation and I'm not there yet.
You're having to make a decision that WE aren't ready to make - cause we haven't let the process move along.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I just want to hear your voice

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways the pressure you feel is what I could soon be feeling. Even though you're not intending it.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I've told you - if you need that I'm only 1 call away

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS how long do you think your process is going to take?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I don't know what I need

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I'm not sure. Could be different for each of US.
The only thing I feel like I that's been consistent is my desire to stay connected to you. And I'm not even sure what that means

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS we can't have both

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I want to give you want you need but I'm torn cause I don't want to push to hard. To influence you or even impact me.
Yet you are the one I'm concerned with.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS push too hard for what?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways I know we can't. We tried that and even it was eating at US.

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@ALLways I don't want to push too hard and lead you to a decision that you're not ready to make. Especially because I don't know the Answer. I think I know - but it would be nice to have someone tell me - "N you are now being honest, and you should follow that"

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I don't think anyone is going to tell either of us that N

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways so how will we know?

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS I am going to have to make this decision sooner rather than later and I'm so scared you wont be in the same place. I am holding on to US...but if you have even the slightest doubt need to know.

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS I don't think we will ever KNOW. But why aren't we letting go? And also why aren't we just choosing to be together?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS why the process...so we can say we tried? Cause us talking like this is not and will never be really trying. If we end up together will we resent each other for not trying?

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@missingUS maybe we should just use Twitter...

ALLways...on May 12, 2016

@ALLways ok I'm moving over there

missingUSon May 12, 2016

@missingUS Hey

Sorry I wasn't able to respond to you message on Twitter. I didn't want to respond to it now in case you weren't by your phone. I'll get you a copy of the playlist...sorry it may be a little late if you mowed tonight.

I want to tell you about my night, you will never guess what I ended up doing. Write me on Twitter if you can otherwise I'll keep checking here. But don't feel like you have to.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS I also wanted to tell you about something I thought of on my run tonight. You mentioned 2 things today that you don't do/like anymore cause it is a reminder of US.
1)PB pie
2)running

You liked pb pie before me...remember how long I owed you a piece! You also ran long before me. Those were both things you have always enjoyed. Not cause of me but cause of you....

Maybe you should go one one if those runs that N talked about. You 2 used to do that. Maybe it will be a way to see if there is a still a connection. I want you to do all that you can to make sure you know what's in your heart.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways I want to hear! Please share...

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways I did enjoy those things prior to you, you're right. But like so much things have changed. With US the pie got sweeter. The run wasn't a workout, it was just fun.
Maybe that and other stuff would return, I don't know...
I appreciate you giving me every opportunity to see if I can find the connection. I hope you are also still in search of it. Right now that means making a conscious effort to do things that aren't "normal" but if they trigger the spark you need, or the spark I need, give it a go. Maybe we'd get a response that surprised us.

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways I sometimes feel like both of us want the other to just go back to M & N. And almost wish the other would just say that their choice was to stay. We both don't want to hurt them or others any longer. Cause it makes us feel so terrible.
Yet each of us can't shake the feelings of US. Those feeling drive US forward and we can't control that desire. That in itself is scary.

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways Come on....I WANT TO KNOW!!
What did ya do????

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS All the things you said are very true. I think it crazy how we feel and think the same exact things. I'm not sure I am still in search of finding a connection with M. We had a good night last Saturday but now with the separation I can feel myself letting him go. It's very confusing. But if you want to go back to N and give her your ALL then that's what you need to do. I respect that like no other. You need to do what's right for you and your girls. I am going to do this separation and see what I end up finding.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS last evening I ran 4 miles and ended at H's house. I had dinner there, sloppy joes and asparagus. She asked me if I wanted to go for a ride with her but said I had to change. So she took me back to moms and I showered quick and put my work clothes back on. We ended up going to the casino in town. Her and her friend meet up there now and then. You would have hated it cause of the smoke but it was kinda fun. I had 1 drink and asked them to make it very weak. So that was my Friday night. I hope yours was good too.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS I hope you have a good day today and enjoy that beautiful girl at the recital. Give her a squeeze for me!! The kids and I are going to go grocery shopping and then roller skating! His game got cancelled. Then we will have that dance party later.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways even if I wanted to "go back" the desire isn't there right now to give it my all. Next week we are trying our own separation. Maybe I'll feel different or maybe I'll sound like you're feeling.
I want what's best for you and for You to make that decision for yourself. If that's going back to give it your All, I'd respect that like no other. And if support you how ever I could - even if that meant not at all.

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS I feel like your asking me to go back to him so your decision will be made....

Is that what you want?

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways great job on the run. I can't even imagine being able to get through a 4mile run. Good Job!

And that's awesome that you got out and did something - and had a little fun! You've gotta be learning so much about yourself. I'm proud of you....

My night wasn't great. It was going ok till bed, then it was a breakdown. Probably the same things you hear from M, that make us both feel like terrible people. We remain civil but we both think is between 60-70% over.

Girls and I got donuts this morning and danced our booties off on the ride home. W cracks me up with her facial expressions! She really "gets it".
Bet she's asked 5x between last night and today if C&C could come over and says we are so mean for not letting them......tough to hear.

I gotta say I'm jealous of your plans to go roller skating. That sounds like a blast!! And that dance party is gonna be non-stop smiles - and smiling is my favorite.

Recital is tomorrow and I'll be sure she gets a little extra squeeze from R.

(Insert OUR emoji)

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways I feel like you're doing the same with me. Trying to push me back.
Yet it just doesn't feel like it's "there"....
And the thing that IS - feel like everything I want.

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways I don't feel like I'm pushing you to him. I'm trying to push to you. I want you to decide what you want and what's best for C&C.
I'm couldn't push to him - cause I'm still not sure how he's helped himself. He needs real help if he's ever going to learn to forgive. Without I'm not sure how you could be happy...

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS oh that dance party in the car sounded like a blast! I love those little girls!! I miss them so bad. Thank you for giving her a squeeze for me.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS I'm sorry you didn't have a good night. M says the same thing but he says its 90% over. He and I haven't really talked much besides the texting yesterday morning. I know you aren't pushing me to him but when you say things like you think we are both wanting to go back but don't want to hurt us makes me feel like I'm holding you back.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS I am struggling today...the little C is being so whiny and I find out that they have been at B&C's for both nights be had them so he didn't even really have to "take care" of them. They were feed by someone else and got to be at their favorite place. They love Can. I feel like maybe sometimes more than me. So when I get home, I have to be the mom and cook breakfast and clean up and go get groceries so they have food to eat while I'm gone too. But I want them to have fun so I thought of roller skating. They have never done that. I am going to let the laundry wait until after they are asleep.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways I think you and I are getting closer to having the comfort we need. And maybe M & N are getting there too. That's not to say it's any easier but time might be doing its thing.
You are not holding me back. Unless you think I'm holding you back.

I'm just shaking my head....that doesn't sound like a guy that's trying to me. Maybe he's trying to get the extra 10% and just "not care". I don't know. I think you should encourage him to get help to see if he could forgive. If he CAN'T then it's over. I'm sorry. And if he's not willing to talk to someone soon, then you can question if he is trying. It might even be time for him to go with you to counseling this week. Cause if it's not now it might be too late. If he would, you should call and let her it's now or never....

You don't need to feel bad about putting all that mom "stuff" on the back burner for a bit. You can do it after they sleep or whenever. And I wouldn't do more than your own and your kids laundry(maybe your not).

Find ways to have fun or let the kids lead you to the fun.

They don't love Can more than you. Don't let yourself go there. It might feel that way sometimes but it couldn't be further from the truth! Never ever never!!
Let them feel your love. Let them see your love. And let them hear your love.

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways put on that music and let it help you move and smile....
I can see you doing it and it makes me smile!

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways probably not even fair for me to weigh in on M. I shouldn't have done that. Sorry

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@ALLways I'm wearing The Hat today and was just in a store that sells it!
Thinking about cha....

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS all I do is think about cha...

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways careful skating. Don't injury yourself or hurt your asset ;)
I really wish I was going with ya.

Hope your day is improving.
I'm still really impressed with your night. And to be brave enough to have a cocktail. You're really somethin...

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS Thanks. I'm betting I fall at least once. I haven't skated in years like probably 20! I wish you were going too! We'd have a blast with the kids!

My day is good cause I'm with my kids but that almost makes things harder to think about. I am really struggling and feel like you are the only person I can talk to but you are probably the last person I should talk to. I really just want to cry my eyes out in your arms.

I hope you are having a good day. I'm glad you're wearing The Hat.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS I don't think you are holding me back but I do know one thing that if you were to walk up to my door and tell me you've decided to take the risk....I would land right in your hands. I told my mom that yesterday, that if you were to say you were ready to take the step I know 100% that I would take that step with you.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS and I know we need more time to process everything but I just want you to know where I stand. You are the only person I am completely honest with.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways you won't be the only one to fall. Laugh it off....

I'm sure that the time with the kids is tough. Stay strong for them and let them feel your love. That's all they really need.

I certainly understand the struggle. Like you said this feels "right" but I doubt it is.

I appreciate your honestly and want to assure you that I'm giving you that back 100%.

Was that comment to your Mom made pre-drink or post? Just teasing ;)

I've got a song recommendation for your dance party; Lets Go by Calvin Harris. It will get ALL of you moving!!!

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS the talk with my mom was right after work. Before I ran. I was asking about her divorce.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways I was just teasing you.

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS yeah I know you were

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS skating was fun. Little C got the hang of it. C took a little bit but eventually got more comfortable. They fell but I never did. However, I never went out of my comfort level.

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways glad to went well And that no one got injured! So are you thinking about getting your own rollerskates now??
Now to get your dance on!!!

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS I just might a pair. Not quite dance party time but soon.

How has your day gone?

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways can you get those fuzzy balls? I'd go if you do!
(Great pics/video for skating! - with I could "like" em)

It's been ok. Cleaned up my closet and threw a stuff away that I never wear. Kinda wishing I was doing the stuff you are...

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS thanks! They had fun and so did I! I thought about you a lot as I skated around. Especially when they played one call away...

I don't kinda wish you were doing the stuff I was....I REALLY wish you were.

Let the dancing begin...

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@missingUS oh and oh course I'll get the fuzzy balls!

ALLways...on May 14, 2016

@ALLways with those balls we'd be skating backwards in no time. And then we'd hit the ice and see how you do.

Yeah by kinda I meant REALLY wish.

Are you gonna take it easy tonight or catch up on your work?

missingUSon May 14, 2016

@missingUS That sounds great! little C was begging to go ice skating where W&C went that one time!

It is movie, popcorn and root beer time now. I might do some cleaning tomorrow but will probably just chill after they go to bed tonight.

ALLways...on May 15, 2016

@missingUS dance party was fun...they liked all of your picks!

ALLways...on May 15, 2016

@ALLways he'll shred that ice! And smile for ear to ear.

I bet they are having a great night! Movie, popcorn, root beer....how could they not!?!

Glad the music was hit. Hope you enjoyed the dancing too. Sounds like you deserve to do a lil chillin...so get comfy! (You'll probably be asleep in NO time!)

missingUSon May 15, 2016

@missingUS they are all tucked in now. I think I will do some laundry but after that the couch is calling my name.

How is your night going?

ALLways...on May 15, 2016

@missingUS Thank you...

Thank you for making me smile. Like real true smiles. Yeah I know, you're probably thinking, "what did I do to make you smile?" That's the great thing about you, N, I smile just thinking about you. Anything with you is everything to me...