Folk Monologue

Can I get my glass of tea? Mmm, nothing like it!
At this time I would like very much to do a Folksong. Since Folksongs,
I think are still popular today. Uhm, this one is in Latvian and it's
from Latvia. And it's about this Tahitian girl who uhm, had this lover.
And then one day this lover decides that he doesn't like her anymore
and likes her sister better. So she decided that the only thing to do
naturally was to kill herself, see. So one day, oh, was very nice out
about 75 degrees, and she was taking this walk down to the river to
drown when she, she tripped over this rock see. And uhm, oh it was
awful I mean, she broke her glasses, she scrapped her knees. And uhm,
just at this minute the lover and the sister happen to come by in a
taxicab. So, see they saw her on the floor and she, having an
astigmatism in her left eye, she thought that it was a wild bore. So,
she figured oh boy I'd better get down to the river fast to drown so
she runs down there and what do you know the river was frozen. So I
mean she just stood there you know and she went tchhh, like that. Tch,
and uhm, because, I mean, she couldn't do it that day. See, it was a
small town they only had one river, so. Anyway than she figured, oh
it's getting late, better get home cause her mamma would be worried
and would kill her if she was late for supper you know. So, I mean,
she gets up and she starts walking around home and she bumps in to
this guy, and what do you know, he turns out to be an optometrist.
And just happens to happen to have her "suscription". So, anyway, uh?
Oh, I'm sorry "suBscription".So anyway, I mean, she's I don't want
you to think that this is one of those Hollywood-like stories: She
gets the glasses and sees happily ever after. I mean, this is, you
know, no like that. I mean she had to pay for the glasses just like
you and me, she ... well, oh well, I mean, I don't want you to think
that I'm lying but she did get about a dollar fifty off, dollar
sixty-five? So anyway, uhm... this guy (Oh) turned out to be very
nice and he even told her where she could find another river.
So, I'll tell you the truth, this girl was a real creep. I mean,
you know who would wanna sing a song about her? I mean, her sister
was really much nicer. And uhm, I mean, I, I think she came from
a better family.

[Singing]
Call me a boob
Call me a schlemiel
Call me a brain with a missing wheel
Call me what you will
But nonetheless I'm still
In love with Harold Mingert
It's not because he has a car
Arnie Fleisher has a car
And a car is just a car
But if Harold didn't have a car too his name
I guess I'd love him just the same
Call me what you will
But nonetheless I'm still
In love with Harold Mingert
And it's not because he has a wealthy family
Arnie Fleischer has a wealthy family
But money isn't everything
And if Harold didn't have a car too his name
I know I'd love him just the same
But sometimes I ask myself why than
Do I than love Harold Mingert
Harold isn't handsome or clever or smart
And I don't find romance and a dance in his heart
The only answers I can think about
Harold Mingert’s money and Harold Mingert’s car
Call me what you will
But non the less I'm still
In love with Harold Mingert
Also Arnie Fleisher!