• I think I'm drowning, Asphyxiated.

    by iheartedwardcullen on April 24, 2008 I'm not really sure why I'm writing tonight. He's at a show, so he won't be back until later tonight. No,no, he doesn't call them shows. He calls them "concerts". To me, the word "concert" is just kind of ugly. I mean, seriously, when I hear the word "con" I always think of a con-artist or pro's and "con"'s. 'Con' just kind of has a bad hold on me. Anyway, I usually use him as my journal, telling him whatever I possibly can, crying on his shoulder, laughing to him, talking about myself and him, and the thought of 'us'. He wrote me a poem. It's quite cute, and you can tell he put thought into it, Unfortunately, not enough thought to make it good. :\ He wrote it for our English class, and our teacher, I'm sure, will be quite amused with it. She thinks we're an 'adorable' couple. He refers to him and I as 'us'. I don't know if I like that. 'us'. I've spent my whole life trying to be my own person, and to find out that I'm now part of something big, something possibly bigger than I am, that's scary. I don't know. My best friend says he's only in it for the 'action' he gets from me. If that's true, he must be one horny bastard, because there's really not much action involved with me. I'm kind of... Scared. to get hurt again. Well, even if he is, he makes me feel beautiful, so he's fine by me. No, I do not find myself attractive. Yes, everyone else does. Whatever, I think I should email Ryan. Umm. World, I do not love you, but I wish I did, Goodnight all. No Comments
  • When everything's made to be broken;;

    by iheartedwardcullen on April 17, 2008 i just want you to know who i am. So, things are going better, though people keep asking me howe my exes are and blahblahblah. Technically, I'm breaking Ryan's rules. I'm not allowed to journal, after the scene I caused when my journal was found and read by my brother, but this is songmeanings, and if any of you use this against me, well... too bad. Well, anyway. He's got a lot of stupid rules, and we say a lot of stupid things to each other, and we fight a lot. My friends say "I don't understand how two people can 'love' eachother and still fight so much." The truth is, hun, it's life. Noone's perfect, and him and I are opposites. He comes from rap music and california, I come from hardcore music and rain. He comes from rice I come from hamburgers He loves himself, I've always hated myself. Enough with the rant. If you love someone, of course you'll fight, it's hard to comprehend, sometimes, how someone so close to you, someone who holds your heart, can have such different views. My turnons for him: He's funny He's sweet He doesn't care what his friends say about me [he doesn't care when they call me emo, goth, scene, etc.] He loves me for ME, not who I pretend to be in public He accepts me no matter what I tell him He realizes that I've been hurt He wants to take care of me for the rest of my life My turnoffs for him: He acts different around his friends He makes up stupid rules We're total opposites He's very opinionated He's not happy with the world I love him more than anything, and I want to take care of him and mend his wounds for the rest of my life. Wow, I said it. I am in love. No Comments
  • Just[[think.]]

    by iheartedwardcullen on February 18, 2008 My nightmare last night happened flawlessly, just as it should have: I was in a large room filled with zig-zagging mirrors. I was alone, for a moment. I walked around, touching mirrors, looking at myself times a thousand, thanks to the reflections of reflections of reflections. Ryan appeared, with a nameless face. She was pretty, prettier than me. She stood shorter than I did, only standing about as high as Ryan's chin, whereas I stand to his nose. She had chocolate brown hair, which was in a twist on the back of her head. She wore a black skirt, with black leggings and ugg boots on. A red v-neck sweater clung to her torso, exposing many curves. She was of a pale complexion, with light makeup, bright red lipstick, and cheeks that were a light pink, though I couldn't tell if it was from makeup, from blushing recently, or if it were natural. He looked amazing, as usual. His black hair curling over his dark ears, as it always did. He wore jeans and a black sweatshirt. He was smiling, but not grinning, I could feel something strange about to happen. They stood just smiling for a minute, then they began embracing, though only for a few seconds. Then it began, a thin kiss. He leaned in on her, hesitantly, but she was not patient. She pulled him in, though he pulled away. I was hopeful. That died quickly. "I love you," he whispered, the way he had to me so many times before. She giggled in response. He kissed her with more intensity, then. His lips moved more, and he groped her entire body with passion. His tongue moved freely, her lipstick smeared on his lips. I was disgusted, mortified. The worst part, was that I know his face too well, and that I had to see it a thousand times, from every angle. No detail was missing. I couldn't take any more. I ran, ran and ran. I hit the mirror, which broke. Suddenly, they broke apart. They knew the mirror had broken, obviously, but they could not tell from where. I screamed his name. He could not hear me. "We should take this elsewhere." He whispered. Softly, he kissed her cheek, then swept her into her arms. He walked right through the mirror. I need him now, more than ever. No Comments
  • You're the leaky sink of sentiment.

    by iheartedwardcullen on February 17, 2008 I want him to die. I want him to die, painfully. I want him to keep running back to his new lover, after she shamelessly cheats again and again. I want him gone, for the paranoia I'm paying for now. Let me fill you in: Ryan had a dream that he cheated on me. My mind flashed to him. I couldn't take it. I'm paraniod. If he cheats on me, I don't know if he'll recover. So, I just want ....him, to pay for everything. I want someone to rip his skin off, slowly. I want him to be thrown into the flames of hell, just like he casually threw me to. I want him to want to kill himself, just like I did. I want him to fail. I want him to be this paraniod. I want him to not be able to take it, 'cause I can't take it anymore. No Comments
  • Boys like you are a dime a dozen.

    by iheartedwardcullen on February 16, 2008 So, basically, nobody on here knows me. That's a good thing. Read whatever. whenever. I wanted to be able to be honest. this is my truth. 1.Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with? technically, karl. but i held the last meaningful conversation with ryan. 2. Where is the last place you went out to eat? i went to pizza rita today for lunch. 3. What was the last beverage you consumed? a pepsi. 4. Thoughts at this moment? "where's my lover, really, I want to go to sleep." 6. What is more essential - a pretty face or a great body? who cares. 7. Medicine, fine arts, or law? fine arts, of course. 9. Best kind of pizza? doesn't matter. 10. Favorite drink? coke. monsters are good, too, but they make me sleepy. 11. Do you miss anyone? ryan. 12. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Saturday night? last weekend? talking to ryan. 13. Who do you hate? honestly? myself. Him. 14. Who was the last person you had in your room? laura 15. Is your room cleaned? sorta 16. Can you speak another language? not perfectly 17. What are you going to do tomorrow? probably nothing. 21. Do you take care of your friends while they're sick not really 22. Do you like to read? What was the last book you read? i like reading just fine. i'm currently reading "the dark hills divide". I don't reccomend it, really. 23. How do you feel about your first love? It was amazing, when it happened. now I hate him, for all the pain he caused me over time. 24. When was the last time you purchased something over $500? I don't know. My dad bought $600 speakers today, while I was with him. 25. What are your pet peeves? most everything 26. what is your favorite color? green. 27. Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with? ryan. he's wonderful. 28. Where was the last place you drove? uhh, i don't drive, actually. 30. Where do you want to go? to bed. 32. What are you wearing? dark blue skinny jeans, a white cammy, a silver shirt, and a grey sweatshirt. 34. What do you think about people who party a lot? who cares? 35. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? nope. 36. When is your birthday? july twenty first. 37. Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? laura 44. Ever stolen anything? no. 45.How many speeding tickets do you have? i don't drive. 46. How many kids do you want to have? zero. 47. Do you like coffee? yes. 48. Why are you doing this survey? the better question is why am i doing this survey on songmeanings. It's because I want to tell the truth, but I can't do that on myspace, or an email. I have to worry about what they'll read. 49. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Rachel and Karl. 50. Who did you last text? Karl. 51. Who last texted you? Jana, maybe Karl. 52. What does your 12th message on your inbox say? "Happy Valentine's day!" ugh. 53. Who do you text the most? karl, rachel, laura, jasmine, sometimes ryan, but he doesn't get free texting. 54. What are you craving? sleep. but i want to talk to ryan. 55. Whats the closest red thing to you? a pillow on the other end of the couch. 56. What are you listening to? my brother watch tv. 57. Do you like anyone? i love ryan, more than anything. 58. Have you ever kissed the person you like? yes. No Comments
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