• December 15, 2004 listening to: "testify" by Rage Against The Machine goddamn! there has been so much death lately. my friend sam's mom died. i think she overdosed on heroin, but i have'nt heard it from sam's mouth herself, so i dont know for sure. and she was doing so well too! i don't want to blow myself up to be more important than i really am...but i have premonitions sometimes...and i had one about sam. no lie...sometimes this happens. i know that people say that to make themselves cool and everything but its the truth. i had a dream that she popped pills till she died, too. i have'nt been able to contact her so i'm worried out of my fuckin mind! god i hope she's alright. i don't want to lose her, shes so awesome. if she died i don't know what i would do. i'm just praying that she stays strong. on another morbid note, in drama class right now we just finished reading the play 'our town'. in the beginning i thought that it was pretty lame, the first act was just everyday life and how it unfolds....waking in the morning and eating and going to school and coming home. but the third act, the last act, was the best. its just really touching...quite morbid but it gets the point across. and i started thinking about if i died right now. who would miss me? what would my family do and say? what would happen to nick? i'm listening to "elanor rigby" by the beatles...good song and at the right time i guess. but what would my last thoughts be? the theme of the play is to "cherish and appreciate every day like its your last" to really "cherish life". what if you knew you would die in a week? would you live differently? buried in the church along with her name...nobody came.... ugh! so depressing. not really depressing i guess but it makes you think. before i read and saw this play i did have a tendency to get that feeling and thought that "THIS IS REAL. i'm really living life!" and i would look at myself as if i was a third person. i would blank out and i would'nt be there for a second...and then i would think about it for the next 5 minutes. :-/ and when i step out the door sometimes i think, "what if this is my last day?". "what if this is the last time that i lock the door, get on the bus and go to school?". nowadays you have to appreciate it, especially after september 11th. such a sad day. people take this for granted. people just grow up and strive to be rich and prosporous....but how long does that last? 50 years, maybe. not long. i want to savor every day....but sometimes i'm just swept up with the strives of others. measuring myself against them. i'm 15. to me, thats short, compared to others. and what do i remember from these 15 years? some stuff, but i have'nt really appreciated everything sometimes. in 15 years i'll be 30. THIRTY. 1/3 of my life gone, memories. maybe some kids, married with a job. this is why old people are so wise. they have lived through it all....they just savor life now that they don't have alot left, and they are just trying to convey that message to us...for us to savor everything before we end up like them; old and partly wasted. i reccomend that whoever reads this goes and sees "Our Town".
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