You hold your own and they'll hold their's,
Hold their glasses - can't hold their beer
Tell 'em the one about the fucking queer.
Do the one that always works,
'Bout the lazy blacks that don't like work,
And once you got 'em, keep 'em there
Raise their spirits! Raise their cheer!
Do that one that never fails,
'Bout the gang of white thugs and the Asian male,
And once you got 'em, they'll be with you!
See this lot's loyal, through and through.
Tell Irish jokes and you can't miss,
Do the building site one and how they're all thick.
Keep 'em laughing - you'll have it made,
We're a friendly lot and you'll be well paid.
But keep 'em laughing don't let it stop
Or the truth might catch up and spoil the plot.
Lyrics submitted by redmax
"The Stand Up Comics Instructions" as written by Paul John Weller
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
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