"Asshole" as written by Denis Leary and Chris Phillips....
[Spoken]
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you.
The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests.
About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,
Maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area.
Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon,
We don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nic hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Naaaah!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

[Spoken]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible,
Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown
baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from
McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the
American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. YOu know why? Because
we got the bombs, that's why.

[Spoken]
Two words. Nuclear fucking weapons, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the Democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk
right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as
soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well
multiple that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes...
(Hey)
and Lee Marvin
(Hey)
and Sam Pekinpah
(Hey)
And a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas...
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E

[Barking]
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Oooh Oooh

[Spoken]
I'm an asshole and proud of it!


Lyrics submitted by sawg

"Asshole" as written by Denis Leary Chris Phillips

Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Lyrics powered by LyricFind

Asshole song meanings
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29 Comments

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  • +2
    General CommentThis is my fucking theme song....

    IM AN ASSHOLE AND PROUD OF IT.....!
    ThE SpiDeron May 14, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General CommentEveryone can relate to this one. Whether you are one or you know of one(or many). The song just cracks me up...
    dmann2376on April 10, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General CommentTHIS SONG IS A GREAT SONG. anyone who thinks they are liked or are cool should listen to this song, it made me realise i was an asshole too, and im damn proud of it too!!!!!!!!!!
    Smithers_punkon May 22, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General Commentyer all assholes, but thats beside the point, its just a funny song, i dont see why n e one takes pride in admitting theyre a cock, unless its in a song
    x_thrice_junkie_xon July 04, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General CommentYeah, it's just about a guy being an asshole (specifically Dennis Leary). There's no deep meaning to it, it's supposed to be funny. It is funny.
    shamelesson July 24, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General CommentThis song kicks ass...

    I can relate to it because I have done most of the things Denis sings about in this song...
    PapaRoacher_5kon August 07, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General Commentwow, that song perfectly describes me (especially in the public restrooms). this is the funnies song ever. denis leary kicks ass! I'm proud to be as asshole!!
    RejEkTon August 15, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General Commentheh.sometimes this song makes me laugh, others i wanna throw something at him.
    squeeon September 10, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General Commentlol dennis leary is fucking hilarious
    Bort_The_Greaton April 19, 2003   Link
  • 0
    General Commentto me this song is taking the piss out of the american way and saying there all assholes, i havnt done anything in the song and im proud of that cos it means im not an asshole... so i just find it funny cos its taking teh piss out of people that are, heh
    Koijuon June 19, 2003   Link

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